Category: Engaged

Engagement can be a bit like romantic purgatory for some, but at least you get to test drive a ring.

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Being Not Always Romantic While Trying To Not Always Work… As A Cat

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Engaged

(I work from home, at the same computer I use for leisure, and this takes place around the time I usually end my morning routine and get to work. My fiancée will occasionally pretend to be a cat for laughs.)

Fiancée: “Am cat. Am snuggling you when you’re trying to work.”

Me: “Actually, I haven’t quite started work yet.”

Fiancée: “Oh. Am cat, am snuggling you when you’re trying to do stuff?”

Me: “I’m not even really trying to do anything right now either. I’m just reading Not Always Working.”

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Starting This Marriage With A Fresh Sheet

| San Francisco, CA, USA | Engaged

(I am marrying my fiancée in two days. We have just left a dinner with my extended family, including some out-of-towners whom she has never met before.)

Fiancée: “Ugh, I ate too much. I just want to get into bed.”

Me: “Well, the bad news is, the bedsheets only just came out of the dryer before we left. We’ll have to put them on first.”

Fiancée: “Double ugh. I HATE doing bedsheets.”

Me: “I’ll make you a deal: you hang all the other clean laundry and I’ll handle the bedsheets.”

Fiancée: “Deal! And don’t forget to throw your shirt in the wash! You spilled some sauce on it and you don’t want the stain to set in.”

(We get home and begin our chores.)

Me: “I don’t have enough dirty clothes to run with this shirt. Do you have anything you need washed?”

Fiancée: “Uh… Just, everything I’m wearing. Throw yours in, too; it’ll make a load.”

(We strip naked, and I toss everything into the laundry machine. Then I get back to the business of putting bedsheets on the bed.)

Fiancée: “Ugh, I ate too much. I need to exercise. And I haven’t pooped in a couple of days. I’m just gonna do some jumping jacks over here.”

(She does.)

Fiancée: “Can’t do this with my boobs flopping around.”

Me: “Do you want me to hold them in place for you? Or get you a sports bra or something?”

Fiancée: “Ha-ha. No, I’ll hold on to them myself. I’ll just only do the ‘jumping’ part of the jumping jacks.”

(She does.)

Fiancée: “I need to poop…”

(She hurries to the bathroom.)

Fiancée: “Ha! I figured out how to get out of helping you put sheets on the bed!”

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Will Have You In Stitches

| Alberta, CA, USA | Engaged

(I recently had a mole removed in a relatively awkward place – my left breast. The dermatologist didn’t seem overly concerned about leaving as small a scar as possible, despite me asking he be careful. I had the procedure done first thing in the morning, and was instructed to remove and replace a fresh bandage over the spot before going to bed. I’m standing in the en-suite bathroom in our master bedroom when this exchange occurs.)

Me: “My GOD, babe. These stitches are awful. He didn’t care at all.”

Fiancée: “It can’t be that bad. Let me see.”

(I show him; the stitches are those large black plastic kind you often see. Not exactly delicate.)

Fiancée: “I bet it will heal better than it looks.”

Me: *visibly upset* “It’s all puckered, and awful.”

(I go back into the bathroom, look at it again, and start giggling to myself.)

Fiancée: “What’s so funny?”

Me: “Well. You know what the stitches remind me of? Frankenstein. So that would make this….. Frankenboob.”

Fiancée: “Can we call the other one ‘Igor’?”

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A New Breed Of Coworker

| Fort Wayne, IN, USA | Engaged

(My fiancé and I are talking about my coworkers. One is about to have a baby, while the other three are much older, and are acting like expectant grandmothers. I release this wonderful gem from my lips:)

Me: “So [Coworker] is about to pop. [Boss] got a voicemail this morning and was sad because it wasn’t an announcement that the baby had arrived.”

Fiancé: *unenthusiastic* “Okay, cool?”

Me: “Well, [Boss] and [Other Two Coworkers] are past breeding age, so they are excited to grandmother the heck out of the baby.”

Fiancé: *stares at me like I’m crazy* “Past breeding age?”

Me: “Yeah?”

Fiancé: “You mean like menopause, right? Librarians aren’t like cattle. They don’t ship them off to make dog food when they can’t produce more baby librarians.”

Me: “Whatever. Past breeding age.”

Fiancé: “Coworkers are friends, not food!”

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Engaged With The Wrong Parent

| PA, USA | Engaged, Proposals

(My parents had just gotten engaged, and my father wants to talk with my grandfather about what he thinks of him marrying my mom. Unsure how to go about this, my father decides to approach my grandmother about how best to broach the subject. He is incredibly nervous due to a few mishaps when mother’s sister got engaged to someone my grandfather didn’t care for.)

Daddy: *nervously stands next to my grandmother while she does the dishes* “Excuse me, Mrs. [Grandmother], uhm… What would be the best way to talk to your husband about [Mother] and I getting married?”

Grammy: *grins and tosses down the dish she was washing* “The best way to talk to my husband about getting married?! Here, I’ll show you!” *she then takes my father by the hand, drags the poor man to the TV room where my grandfather is watching something, and switches said TV off*

Grandmother: “[Grandfather]! [Father] here wants to tell you something!” *makes a grand gesture to my father* “YOU! You’re on!”

(My poor father managed to stutter out what he wanted to say, and thankfully my grandfather was very happy with their engagement! They’ve now been very happily married for more than twenty years, and despite my mother’s growing health issues, he always looks at her like he loves her more every day, never thinking her a burden, and giving her the biggest kiss on the lips when he comes home from work! Needless to say, my boyfriend has a lot to live up to! ;) )

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