Category: Family/Kids

Family and/or kids always adds spice to any relationship. Specifically, the kind of spice that gets in your eyes and makes you cry.

A Muted Reaction

| Hettenhausen, Germany | Family/Kids, Hall of Fame, Marriage & Partners, Popular

(My husband is sitting on the couch watching TV. I come in to tell him some good news.)

Me: “Hey honey, guess what?”

Husband: “Huh?” *keeps staring at TV*

Me: “I said, ‘Guess what?'”

Husband: “Uh…what?”

Me: “The pregnancy test is positive!”

Husband: “Cool. Let me finish this movie. I’ve never seen it.”

Me: “That’s all I get? Cool?

Husband: *holds fist out for knuckle bump* “Better?”

Those Are The Answers You Are Looking For

MT, USA | Family/Kids, Marriage & Partners, Popular

(The geeky family I’ve married into has gathered for Christmas dinner and is discussing plans to see the new Star Wars movie the next day as a group. I turn to my sister-in-law and point out that I’ve never seen either of their previous trilogies in their entirety.)

Sister-In-Law: *to my husband, her brother* “I’m surprised you haven’t divorced her yet…”

Husband: *at the same time as me* “It’s Stockholm syndrome.”

Me: *at the same time as him* “It satisfies his geeky need for smug superiority.”

Sister-In-Law: “Ah. That explains it.”

Husband: “The Stockholm syndrome or the smug superiority?”

Sister-In-Law: “I’ll accept either.”

Present Has Blanket Coverage

| Kitchener, ON, Canada | Advice, Dating, Family/Kids, Popular

(I’m a university student and during my free time, I’m crocheting an afghan for my boyfriend for Christmas. My grandmother, who taught me to crochet, is skeptical about my ability to finish it on time since it usually takes me a really long time to finish crocheting projects and Christmas is fast approaching. I’d also like to mention that I attempted to make an afghan of the same pattern for my ex-boyfriend in high school and he never ended up getting it because it took me too long to finish it.)

Grandmother: “I like the colours you used for that blanket.”

Me: “Thanks, I’m making it for [Boyfriend]. I thought the colours worked well together.”

Grandmother: “They do. When did you start making it?”

Me: “Around mid-October.”

Grandmother: “And when do you have to have that finished?”

Me: “By Christmas Eve at the very latest.”

Grandmother: “And you’ve only gotten this far? Christmas isn’t that far away, you know.”

Me: “I know, but I’ll make it. Once my exams are over, I’ll have a few days where I can just spend the entire day crocheting until I’ve finished it.”

Grandmother: *laughs, sarcastically* Sure you will! I’ve heard that before!”

Me: “I will! I have to get this done by Christmas this time!”

Grandmother: “You said that last time. Remember what happened?”

Me: “Yes. I didn’t finish it on time, we broke up, and I got to keep my lovely afghan. It was win-win. But this time I really need finish it on time! To prove that I can do it!”

Grandmother: “Does [Boyfriend] want a blanket for Christmas?”

Me: “I dunno, but he’s getting one!”

No Fallout From Too Much Fallout

| Easton, PA, USA | Dating, Family/Kids

(It’s a couple of weeks after ‘Fallout 4’ was released.)

Me: “What are you doing?”

Sister: “Playing Fallout 4.”

Me: “Yeah, I can see that. I meant why are you still here? I thought you were going on a date with [Boyfriend] in an hour!”

Sister: “Well, I changed my mind because I wanted to stay home and play Fallout 4, so I called him up and told him I wasn’t going.”

Me: “Wasn’t he upset that you cancelled your date for a video game?”

Sister: “No. When I called him, he said that’s okay because he was too busy playing Fallout 4 to get ready anyway.”

(Those two were clearly made for each other.)

Brother Bother

| West Sussex, England, UK | Dating, Family/Kids

(I’ve been friends with my now-boyfriend for over ten years but we’ve only been together as partners for about two months. I’ve stayed at his house and met his housemate and am meeting his parents, two brothers, and everyone else in the tiny village he lives in at his local pub. His brothers are grilling me about my life.)

Brother #1: “So, how long have you two been together?”

Me: “About two months, but we’ve known each other for a little over ten years.”

Brother#2: “Why the change? What happened?”

Me: “Oh, I had a crappy day at work and needed a drink and to vent a bit. I sent a group text to our friends and [Boyfriend] was out with some work people and said I could join them.”

Brother #1: “Wow! That must’ve been one really s***** day to find solace in his arms. What do you do for a living?”

(I don’t usually tell people what I do as I’m a child psychologist and can’t really talk about my work.)

Me: “I work with kids.”

(My boyfriend looked at me a bit funny.)

Boyfriend: “You don’t just ‘work with kids.’”

Brother #2: “What’s that mean? What do you do then?”

Me: “I’m a child psychologist. I mainly work with children aged 3 – 12 who are going through traumatic bereavement. I’m freelance, but work with [County] police and hospitals.”

Brother #1: “Bloody h***! That’s some job. Is that why you say you ‘work with kids’?”

Me: “Yes. Would you like your doctor talking about you in a pub?”

Brother #2: “You’re a doctor? A real, proper, doctor?”

Boyfriend: “Told you she was smart!”

Brother #1: “Hang on! So you’re really clever, funny, hot, a caring person, and you clearly have humility? Why are you with him!?” *gestures to boyfriend* “Oh, God! You two are like those couples in sitcoms. She’s all smart and funny and stunning and he’s a useless, lazy, ugly fool, and no-one knows how the h*** he got a woman like that. It’s not even like he’s rich!”

(It’s obvious that he’s just teasing and I wait until everyone’s stopped laughing.)

Me: “Do you know the worst part of my job?”

Both Brothers: “What?”

Me: “Brothers. No matter how bad their lives are, how horrendously painful their experiences have been, they always, always, annoy each other.”

(We’ve been together for nearly a year now and no matter how bad their day’s been they still talk to each other like that. They all in their 30s!)

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