Category: Fights/Breakups

All relationships are like a rowboat: they all face beaching on the rocks at some point or another, especially when you’ve got two captains and no rowers.

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The Grinch Who Changed Christmas… Again

| San Jose, CA, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Fights/Breakups

(Some friends at work and I had recently discussed what we’re getting for our significant others for the holidays — I explained that as we’re onto our eighth Christmas together, my boyfriend and I stopped exchanging gifts a while back. About a week later I’m talking to one of them about the same topic; he hates the holidays but it’s his girlfriend’s favorite time of the year.)

Coworker: “She changed her mind about what she wants again. We were talking about it and I told her, ‘You know, [My Name] and [Boyfriend] don’t get each other anything and they’re perfectly happy!'”

Me: *laughing* “NO!”

Coworker: “Yeah, she got hella mad.”

Me: “I could’ve told you that would happen.”

Coworker: “I should’ve known better. So then I asked her to pay for my next tattoo as her present to me and she said ‘Sure! What are you getting?’ And I told her… The Grinch. She was like, ‘F*** you!'”

Me: *laughing*

Coworker: “So THEN she starts going on about how someday she’ll teach me to love the holidays as much as she does. So I told her ‘Well, if that happens, they just can ink over him so his heart grows three sizes, right?’ And she yelled ‘F*** YOU!’ again.”

Me: “You didn’t handle this very well.”

Coworker: “I really didn’t. Now she’s getting jewelry for Christmas.”

Me: “Until she changes her mind again?”

Coworker: “YES. THANK YOU.”

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Hater Dater

| GA, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Fights/Breakups

(I’m half-black. I’d lived in the south for a good portion of my life but I’d never experienced any sort of racism. I’ve just started dating this guy who would not usually be my type. He’s your stereotypical good ol’ country boy: camo, heavy boots, big truck, loves hunting. One day we’re at lunch, just talking, when this exchange happens.)

Me: “You know, you’re not my usual type but you’re cute so I thought, what the heck? Why not?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, you’re not my usual type either. In fact, I could probably never bring a n***** like you home to my parents.”

(I broke up with him at that word and he seemed absolutely shocked and had no idea why I did.)

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Proven Right Time(sheet) And Time Again

| Hartford, CT, USA | Fights/Breakups, Marriage & Partners

(My husband and I are looking for a blank time-sheet that he needs for work in an hour. He maintains that he gave it to me, so I must have lost it.)

Me: “You gave it to me in the car and I put it in the glove box. It was inside the other ones.”

Husband: “Babe, I checked the glove box. Twice. It. Isn’t. There.”

(We then proceed to almost literally tear the place apart looking for this time sheet but of course it isn’t in the apartment.)

Me: “Babe, go check the glove box again.”

Husband: “It isn’t in the d*** glove box, [My Name]! Why are you insisting that it’s there?!”

Me: “Because that’s the last place I remember seeing it! It’s not my fault you’re blind!”

(For the record, he has perfect vision. He just has a really bad habit of losing things right in front of his face; his cell phone in his pocket, for example.)

Husband: “It’s not in there! Now find it!”

(He goes to get ready for work and I, fed up with his bull-s***, decide to take the initiative. I pull my shoes on just as he walks into the bedroom.)

Husband: “Where are you going?”

Me: “I’m checking in the car.”

Husband: *clearly more fed up than I am* “You want me to check in the car?! Fine! I’ll check in the car!”

(He goes down the stairs to the car, even pulls it around to the bottom porch (we’re on the third floor and the topmost balcony overlooks the parking lot) to make an even bigger spectacle of my “stupidity.” I stand out on the porch, looking down at him yanking papers out of the glove box until he comes to the bunch of time sheets mentioned before.)

Husband: “Now watch.”

(I nod, not in the slightest bit upset anymore, and watch as he rifles through them and abruptly stops. He looks up at me. I raise my eyebrows. He flips me the bird and pulls the blank time sheet away from the rest of them, shoving it in his sweatshirt pocket. I go back inside to nurse our daughter. He comes in a little while later and gives me a kiss.)

Husband: “I swear I looked through those papers.”

Me: “I know.”

Husband: “You need to stop making history change itself so you can be right!”

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They’re Not So Pretty In Pink

| PA, USA | Fights/Breakups, Marriage & Partners, Popular

(I work at the information desk at my local library. We often get calls asking for phone numbers, word definitions, etc., along with the standard “Do you have [book]?” that you’d expect. When it comes to asking for a definition of a medical term, we are obligated to inform the patron that we can ONLY give definitions and any advice should be directed to a medical professional. Why people ask us these things, I never know, as we’re not a doctor’s office.)

Me: *answers phone* “[Library], Information Services. This is [My Name].”

Patron: “Uh, hi. I was wondering if you could tell me what ‘pink eye’ is.”

Me: “I can look up the definition for you, but am obligated to inform you that I am not a medical professional, and will only be reading what I see on-screen, and cannot interpret the definition. If you have any questions about treatment, diagnosis, or anything beyond a definition or symptoms, you are going to need to seek a medical professional.”

Patron: “That’s fine. Just tell me what it is.”

Me: *reads the definition from the CDC’s website to him*

Patron: “Uh-huh. And what are the symptoms?”

Me: *reads the symptom list*

Patron: “Uh-huh. Would you mind telling what you just told me to my wife?”

Me: “Uh, sure. But same for her, I can only read what I see on-screen.”

Patron: “HERE, DUMB-A**!”

Patron’s Wife: *in background* “I . DO. NOT. HAVE. F***ING. PINK. EYE!”

Me: *immediately thinks this will go horribly* “Uh, hello?”

Patron’s Wife: “Yeah, he said it sounds like what I have, but it can’t be that. What’s the definition so I can shut him up?”

Me: *re-reads the definition and symptom list for her*

Patron’s Wife: “Yeah, no. Definitely don’t have that. My eye is still brown. It didn’t turn pink. He’s a f***ing liar.” *hangs up the phone*

(Apparently, there are actually people who think “pink eye” turns your iris from brown/blue/green/etc. to pink! Aside from the slight worry that I was going to get screamed at over the phone, I found it hilarious!)

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Time To Start A Relationship With A New Laptop

| PA, USA | Fights/Breakups, Popular

(I work in a computer store.)

Me: “Okay, so, what seems to be the problem with your laptop?”

Customer: “It won’t turn on and it smells like burnt plastic for some reason. I think the motherboard is fried.”

Me: “Let me take a look at it.”

(He removes it from the box and I am horrified to find that it appears to have been smashed and set on fire.)

Me: “So… a little fried, huh?”

Customer: “Yeah… my girlfriend and I broke up a week ago. So, can you fix it or do I have to buy a new one?”

(On the plus side, I made a sale that day.)

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