Category: Golden Years

Romance isn’t only the domain of the young. This category finds love tempered with honesty. Lots, and lots, and lots of honesty.

Today Is A Good Day To Pie

| OH, USA | Golden Years, Theme Of The Month

(It is no secret that my paternal grandparents had a somewhat turbulent marriage. My grandfather died a year before I was born. I am 10 in this story and asking my grandmother how it happened.)

Grandma: “They’d just released him from the hospital for his diabetes and told him not to eat any sugar. I had these two beautiful blueberry pies I’d made for the church bake sale, and he went and ate both of them! He collapsed and went back to the hospital and died the next day.”

Me: “That’s horrible!”

Grandma: “I know! I worked hard on those pies! He knew darn well they were for the bake sale!”

Me: “But Grandma… he died!”

Grandma: “I know he did! And I had nothing to sell at the church because of him! He was just being selfish!”

The Aged Of Innocence

| MN, USA | Golden Years, Marriage & Partners, Theme Of The Month, Top

(I am nine months pregnant with my third son, and am sitting down at a Chinese restaurant. I have soup and a plate of stir-fried vegetables. Across the aisle from me is an elderly couple.)

Older Man: “Look at that girl. What a cow. Look at her, honey. Just stuffin’ her face full.”

(The older woman glances over, then looks down at her own plate.)

Older Man: “See what I mean? Someone should just take the plate away and make her walk everywhere. No one wants a woman that big. Poor thing will be single for her life at this rate.”

(The older woman sits silently and eats. By this point, I can feel tears starting, and now I don’t want to eat. But just as I think about waddling away, and thanks to what I hope are hormonal mood swings, I get angry. So I stand up and waddle over to his table.)

Me: “Yeah, real nice. See this?” *I rub my pregnant belly* “It isn’t made of food. It’s a baby. My third, actually, and I’ve been happily married for a few years as well. Anything else horrible you’d like to say about a pregnant woman you don’t know? Maybe remark on my horrible complexion, or that I can’t tie my own shoes?”

(The old man shakes his head and looks deflated. The older woman is suddenly angry.)

Older Woman: “See, this is why I hate eating with you! Why do you got to be that old grumpy a** who keeps doing this? Apologize to her now! Poor thing!”

Older Man: “I’m sorry. It was rude of me.”

Me: “It definitely was. I’ll be leaving now.”

Older Woman: “You’re such an a**! You are so lucky I said ‘yes’ 33 years ago, or someone would have killed you by now!”

Divorced From The Idea Of Marriage

| London, England, UK | Divorce, Golden Years, Theme Of The Month, Top

(I am looking at old family photographs, especially those taken at my parents’ wedding. I can’t find any from my grandparents’ wedding, however, and I ask my grandparents where I can find some.)

Grandmother: “Oh, you won’t find any pictures of our wedding, dear.”

Me: “How come? Did you not have a camera back then?”

Grandmother: “No, but your grandfather and I never actually got married.”

Me: “What!”

Grandfather: “We just never got around to it.”

Me: “But Grandma! You have Grandpa’s name and everything!”

Grandmother: “I know. It was just easier that way. Less gossip.”

Me: “But didn’t you want to get married!”

Grandfather: “What’s the point? I don’t need a piece of paper to tell me that I have been lucky enough to spend my life with the love of my life.”

Me: “So you don’t believe in marriage?”

Grandmother: “Of course we do, but marriage isn’t a requirement of love, dear.”

Grandfather: “Exactly! Look at that ‘Brittany Clears’ fellow. Didn’t he get married for like an hour?”

Me: “You mean Britney Spears?”

Grandmother: “See! I told you that was his name! You never think I’m right about these things!”

Me: “Actually, Britney Spears is a woman.”

Grandmother: “Oh. I guess we were both wrong.”

Grandfather: *in a sing song voice* “Ha! You were wrong! You were wrong!”

Grandmother: “Is it possible to divorce someone you never married?”

January Themed Story Giveaway: The Golden Years

Not Always Romantic | Announcements, Golden Years, Theme Of The Month
Want to win A Not Always Romantic t-shirt?
Enter January’s Themed Story Giveaway: The Golden Years!

Entering is as easy as 1-2-3:

  1. Submit a funny or interesting story about romance in the golden years! (PS: Here’s a definition of golden years)
  2. Enter your email address in the form to qualify.
  3. All posted stories will be entered in a drawing to win a free t-shirt gift certificate, to use in the official Not Always Romantic shop!

PS: Congratulations to a lucky reader for winning December’s Themed Story Giveaway, which featured stories about the holidays, Christmas, the New Year. The winning submission: Be Careful What You Christmas Wish For (319 thumbs up).

PS #2: winners will be announced the first Wednesday of every month. Next free t-shirt gift certificate: Wednesday, February 5!

All I Want For Christmas…

| Denver, CO, USA | Golden Years, Marriage & Partners, Top

(It’s Christmas season, and I’m shopping in a department store. An elderly couple is also shopping nearby. The woman goes off to look at something in a different section. The gentleman sneezes.)

Me: “Bless you.”

Elderly Gentleman: *looks at his wife* “It’s already been done.”