Category: Golden Years

Romance isn’t only the domain of the young. This category finds love tempered with honesty. Lots, and lots, and lots of honesty.

Didn’t Even Try For The First Couple Of Years

| Brisbane, QLD, Australia | Golden Years, Marriage & Partners

(We’re all in the kitchen putting groceries away. Mom’s eating some mangoes she took out of the fridge to free up some more space.)

Mom: “Mmm, perfect.”

Dad: “I know I am. It’s only taken you 15 years to figure it out.”

Mom: “… Uh, d***-head, we’ve been together 17 years.”

Today Is A Good Day To Pie

| OH, USA | Golden Years, Theme Of The Month

(It is no secret that my paternal grandparents had a somewhat turbulent marriage. My grandfather died a year before I was born. I am 10 in this story and asking my grandmother how it happened.)

Grandma: “They’d just released him from the hospital for his diabetes and told him not to eat any sugar. I had these two beautiful blueberry pies I’d made for the church bake sale, and he went and ate both of them! He collapsed and went back to the hospital and died the next day.”

Me: “That’s horrible!”

Grandma: “I know! I worked hard on those pies! He knew darn well they were for the bake sale!”

Me: “But Grandma… he died!”

Grandma: “I know he did! And I had nothing to sell at the church because of him! He was just being selfish!”

The Aged Of Innocence

| MN, USA | Golden Years, Marriage & Partners, Theme Of The Month, Top

(I am nine months pregnant with my third son, and am sitting down at a Chinese restaurant. I have soup and a plate of stir-fried vegetables. Across the aisle from me is an elderly couple.)

Older Man: “Look at that girl. What a cow. Look at her, honey. Just stuffin’ her face full.”

(The older woman glances over, then looks down at her own plate.)

Older Man: “See what I mean? Someone should just take the plate away and make her walk everywhere. No one wants a woman that big. Poor thing will be single for her life at this rate.”

(The older woman sits silently and eats. By this point, I can feel tears starting, and now I don’t want to eat. But just as I think about waddling away, and thanks to what I hope are hormonal mood swings, I get angry. So I stand up and waddle over to his table.)

Me: “Yeah, real nice. See this?” *I rub my pregnant belly* “It isn’t made of food. It’s a baby. My third, actually, and I’ve been happily married for a few years as well. Anything else horrible you’d like to say about a pregnant woman you don’t know? Maybe remark on my horrible complexion, or that I can’t tie my own shoes?”

(The old man shakes his head and looks deflated. The older woman is suddenly angry.)

Older Woman: “See, this is why I hate eating with you! Why do you got to be that old grumpy a** who keeps doing this? Apologize to her now! Poor thing!”

Older Man: “I’m sorry. It was rude of me.”

Me: “It definitely was. I’ll be leaving now.”

Older Woman: “You’re such an a**! You are so lucky I said ‘yes’ 33 years ago, or someone would have killed you by now!”