Category: Golden Years

Romance isn’t only the domain of the young. This category finds love tempered with honesty. Lots, and lots, and lots of honesty.

Love Cures All

| IA, USA | Golden Years, Marriage & Partners

(My mother is the in-house lawyer for one of the hospitals in our city and always makes sure to say hi to people in the hallways. This occurs with a woman that she has seen several times pushing another woman in a reclining wheel chair who is clearly completely disabled to the point that she is unaware of her surroundings.)

Mom: “Hi, there!”

Woman #1: “Hi, didn’t I see you at the Bar Association outing this summer?”

Mom: “Yes, I bet you did.”

Woman #1: “Yeah, I thought so. I haven’t kept up my license but I always like to go and see everyone.”

(They talk for a few minutes about the types of law they’ve practiced and where.)

Mom: “I see you here frequently. Do you volunteer with hospice?”

Woman #1: “No, this is my wife.”

(It turned out that Woman #2 had advanced stage Alzheimer’s and her wife, Woman #1, took her for a walk everyday even though Woman #2 didn’t have any clue who she was. Love isn’t always romantic but it is always beautiful.)

Didn’t Even Try For The First Couple Of Years

| Brisbane, QLD, Australia | Golden Years, Marriage & Partners

(We’re all in the kitchen putting groceries away. Mom’s eating some mangoes she took out of the fridge to free up some more space.)

Mom: “Mmm, perfect.”

Dad: “I know I am. It’s only taken you 15 years to figure it out.”

Mom: “… Uh, d***-head, we’ve been together 17 years.”

Today Is A Good Day To Pie

| OH, USA | Golden Years, Theme Of The Month

(It is no secret that my paternal grandparents had a somewhat turbulent marriage. My grandfather died a year before I was born. I am 10 in this story and asking my grandmother how it happened.)

Grandma: “They’d just released him from the hospital for his diabetes and told him not to eat any sugar. I had these two beautiful blueberry pies I’d made for the church bake sale, and he went and ate both of them! He collapsed and went back to the hospital and died the next day.”

Me: “That’s horrible!”

Grandma: “I know! I worked hard on those pies! He knew darn well they were for the bake sale!”

Me: “But Grandma… he died!”

Grandma: “I know he did! And I had nothing to sell at the church because of him! He was just being selfish!”

The Aged Of Innocence

| MN, USA | Golden Years, Marriage & Partners, Theme Of The Month, Top

(I am nine months pregnant with my third son, and am sitting down at a Chinese restaurant. I have soup and a plate of stir-fried vegetables. Across the aisle from me is an elderly couple.)

Older Man: “Look at that girl. What a cow. Look at her, honey. Just stuffin’ her face full.”

(The older woman glances over, then looks down at her own plate.)

Older Man: “See what I mean? Someone should just take the plate away and make her walk everywhere. No one wants a woman that big. Poor thing will be single for her life at this rate.”

(The older woman sits silently and eats. By this point, I can feel tears starting, and now I don’t want to eat. But just as I think about waddling away, and thanks to what I hope are hormonal mood swings, I get angry. So I stand up and waddle over to his table.)

Me: “Yeah, real nice. See this?” *I rub my pregnant belly* “It isn’t made of food. It’s a baby. My third, actually, and I’ve been happily married for a few years as well. Anything else horrible you’d like to say about a pregnant woman you don’t know? Maybe remark on my horrible complexion, or that I can’t tie my own shoes?”

(The old man shakes his head and looks deflated. The older woman is suddenly angry.)

Older Woman: “See, this is why I hate eating with you! Why do you got to be that old grumpy a** who keeps doing this? Apologize to her now! Poor thing!”

Older Man: “I’m sorry. It was rude of me.”

Me: “It definitely was. I’ll be leaving now.”

Older Woman: “You’re such an a**! You are so lucky I said ‘yes’ 33 years ago, or someone would have killed you by now!”

Divorced From The Idea Of Marriage

| London, England, UK | Divorce, Golden Years, Theme Of The Month, Top

(I am looking at old family photographs, especially those taken at my parents’ wedding. I can’t find any from my grandparents’ wedding, however, and I ask my grandparents where I can find some.)

Grandmother: “Oh, you won’t find any pictures of our wedding, dear.”

Me: “How come? Did you not have a camera back then?”

Grandmother: “No, but your grandfather and I never actually got married.”

Me: “What!”

Grandfather: “We just never got around to it.”

Me: “But Grandma! You have Grandpa’s name and everything!”

Grandmother: “I know. It was just easier that way. Less gossip.”

Me: “But didn’t you want to get married!”

Grandfather: “What’s the point? I don’t need a piece of paper to tell me that I have been lucky enough to spend my life with the love of my life.”

Me: “So you don’t believe in marriage?”

Grandmother: “Of course we do, but marriage isn’t a requirement of love, dear.”

Grandfather: “Exactly! Look at that ‘Brittany Clears’ fellow. Didn’t he get married for like an hour?”

Me: “You mean Britney Spears?”

Grandmother: “See! I told you that was his name! You never think I’m right about these things!”

Me: “Actually, Britney Spears is a woman.”

Grandmother: “Oh. I guess we were both wrong.”

Grandfather: *in a sing song voice* “Ha! You were wrong! You were wrong!”

Grandmother: “Is it possible to divorce someone you never married?”