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Love Isn’t The Only Thing In The Air, Part 14

| Czech Republic |

(I’m in my boyfriend’s bedroom when I accidentally let out a very smelly fart.)

Boyfriend: “Honey, you know I love you, but you should go home right now.”

Related:
Love Isn’t The Only Thing In The Air, Part 13
Love Isn’t The Only Thing In The Air, Part 12
Love Isn’t The Only Thing In The Air, Part 11

He Can Feel It In His Gut

| Gloucester, MA, USA |

(I put on a shirt and realize that it’s too small for my growing beer belly.)

Me: “You know when guys flex and rip their shirts?”

Fiancée: *visibly excited* “Yeah?”

(I relaxed my gut and popped a button.)

What A Harasshole

| OK, USA |

(It is a very busy afternoon. My younger coworker and I are trying to power through long lines as quickly as possible. She begins helping a man and I overhear some of the conversation. It starts with a normal “where are you from?”, and then quickly progresses.)

Customer: “Let me get your number.”

Coworker: “No, thank you.”

Customer: “Oh, come on.”

Coworker: “No, thank you. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

(The customer proceeds to pester her with questions, asking if she has a boyfriend. When she replies that she has a girlfriend, he gets more persistent.)

Customer: “I know her. She won’t mind.”

(I have cleared my customers and fully turn my attention to him.)

Me: “Sir, I am her girlfriend and I do mind. Please stop asking.”

Customer: “Nah. How do you know she’s not my sister?”

Me: “Sir, I honestly hope she’s not because that’s frowned upon here.”

Customer: “I was just playing. If she’d just give me her number—”

Me: “Sir, you are harassing my underage employee. I must ask you to leave. If you refuse, I will be forced to call the police.”

(When he told her that he’d be back to ask again when she’s alone, I stand between them and promise that she won’t be. A week later, he came in again. That coworker wasn’t scheduled, but our main manager was present. I mentioned that it was the same guy and she followed him to his car. His wife was with him and threatened to sue for falsely accusing her husband – at least until we pulled up the cameras and had proof of him doing it.)

Incoherent Coherence

| WA, USA |

(My boyfriend sleep-talks almost every night. It’s just after my alarm goes off early in the morning. I let him continue to sleep, cuddled up next to me, while I browse my phone. Suddenly he turns over and faces away from me.)

Me: “Uh-oh, is my phone too bright? I’ll turn down the brightness.”

Boyfriend: *drowsily* “Thank you.”

(Pause.)

Boyfriend: “Come ‘ere… Come ‘ere.”

Me: “I can’t cuddle with you. My phone will wake you up and you need to sleep.”

Boyfriend: “It’s because you hate fish, isn’t it?”

Me: “…what?”

Boyfriend: “You hate fish and are anti-Semitic.” *neither of those are true*

Me: “What the heck? Are you sleep-talking?”

Boyfriend: “No, I’m not!”

Me: “I’m pretty sure you are.”

Boyfriend: “I’m not sleep-talking; I’m just very very tired.”

(An hour later when he actually wakes up, I ask him about it again.)

Me: “So, were you sleep-talking?”

Boyfriend: “Kinda… I remember saying it and it making sense back then. I think I was half asleep.”

Me: “That makes sense. You were too coherent to be sleep-talking, but not coherent enough to actually make sense.”

Would It Kill You To Not Hog The Blanket?

| Ireland |

(My fiancé occasionally talks in his sleep, has been known to say strange things if woken up, and rolls around a lot so he ends up unintentionally pulling the blankets off my side. I sat up late messaging a friend in Australia so by the time I get to bed he’s bundled himself up in the blankets. He opens his eyes as I come into the room.)

Me: “Blanket hog…”

Fiancé: *incomprehensible* “… You’re a blanket hog.”

Me: “What…?”

Fiancé: *slightly more awake* “I said ‘Quiet you, or there’ll be murders. You’re a blanket hog.'”

Me: “Murders…? Really?”

Fiancé: “I dunno…”

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