I just showed my husband a joke about the wife being a dishwasher.
Me: “is this how you view me?”
Husband. Laughs. “You don’t wash dishes, you hardly ever even put your dirty ones in the sink! If you were a dishwasher I would have taken you to the dump a year ago!”
Me. “You’d take me to the dump? wow, thanks!”
Boyfriend: “I’m so bored. No one is coming to the store.”
Boyfriend: “And there’s no place to nap here.”
Me: “Pobrecito.” (Spanish for, and my sarcastic way of saying, “poor little thing.”)
Boyfriend: “Tell me something sexy, babe.”
Boyfriend: “Good start babe.”
(My wife is firing up the shower for us. She turns on the water, and then starts making incoherent noises. I turn to see her flailing her arms helplessly at the shower… Whose showerhead is pointed at an angle and has very high outflow, with the result that the water is going overside and splashing on the floor.)
(I hasten to reorient the showerhead.)
ME: Y’all gotta learn how to bathtub, honey!
SHE: I am not multiple people! Learn how that word works!
(After reading the Until Undeath Do Us Part series)
Me: what would you do if there was a zombie apocalypse and I was bit?
Boyfriend: keep you as a pet
Me: But what if I bit you?
Boyfriend: you couldn’t, you’d be in a cage and stay there until we found a cure
Me: aww that’s so sweet
Boyfriend: so, what would you do if I was bit?
Me:(without skipping a beat) oh you’d be dead… (finger gun) straight between the eyes… boom!
(For April Fool’s Day my boyfriend and I pretended to get engaged over Facebook, just for that day. We made it clear it was a joke in the evening by taking cheesy overdramatic pictures of him proposing to me with a ring pop. Later on we were in my basement, and since it’s fairly cold, I was wrapped up in 3 different blankets, which led to this conversation.)
Me: Babe, could you grab me a drink?
Boyfriend: Sure *Goes to get it*
Me: Babe, can you grab the remote?
Boyfriend: Mhm *grabs it and hands it to me*
(A few minutes later, when I’m even more wrapped up in the blankets)
Me: Babe… Can you adjust my blanket at the bottom? It’s falling off, but I don’t want to take my arms out of this toasty blanket burrito.
Boyfriend: Sure, love *Adjusts it*
Me: Thank you. You’re so good to me.
Boyfriend: *Smiles* It’s fine. You’re comfy being a burrito and don’t want to move, I get it.
Me: *Completely deadpan* You’re engaged to a selfish burrito.
(We both started laughing after that