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She Who Wears The Pants, Part 2

| Calgary, Alberta, Canada | Fights/Breakups, Marriage & Partners

(I’m helping a couple check out at the front desk.)

Me: “Okay, and how would you like to settle the bill?”

Husband: “Put it on my card you have.”

Wife: “No, put it on my credit card.” *hands me her credit card*

Husband: “No! put it on my credit card!”

Wife: “Don’t worry about him, just put it on mine.”

Husband: *grabs wife’s credit card*

Wife: “Fine, do what you want! I’m out of here!” *storms out of the hotel*

(The husband runs out after his wife; 10 minutes passes by and he finally returns.)

Husband, very quietly: “Put it on her card…”

Related:
She Who Wears The Pants

Also seen on: Not Always Right.

Rudolph The Boob-Nosed Reinder

| California, USA | Dating, Hall of Fame, Top

Me: “Thank you for calling ***, this is Bill in the breast aesthetics department. How may I help you?”

Customer: “My left boob popped.”

Me: “Okay, so the implant failed?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Are your implants silicone gel or saline?”

Customer: “The water kind.”

Me: “So, we’ve had a saline deflation. I need to ask you some questions in regards to how it may have deflated.”

Customer: “Why, don’t you believe me?”

Me: “Of course I believe you, but as part of making our implants even better and evaluating where under the device’s warranty this falls, I need to know what may have led up to the implant’s leak.”

Customer: “Oh, so you think this is my fault?! You make a crappy implant and you have the nerve to blame me?”

Me: “Wait, wait. First, I didn’t make your implant, my company did. I’m here to help you get this fixed in the fastest way possible and that starts with finding out how the implant deflated.”

Customer: “So you want to know what I did to screw them up, is that right? I spend a fortune on these things to be walking around with a flat tire of a tit and you think it’s my fault?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I simply need to know how to cover this under your warranty, to see how much money we are going to give you to fix the problem. We give you a check for money to fix the problem if you’ll just answer my questions. What do you remember doing when you first noticed the deflation in your breast?”

Customer: “Me and my boyfriend were playing sex hide-and-seek in the house and he thought it would be more fun if my boobs glowed. So, he used a needle tube to insert little red lights into them… what do you call those little glowing lights? It’s like three letters?”

Me: “… A diode?”

Customer: “Yes. He’s a trained professional… he uses them on animals at his job all the time.”

Me: “So, your boyfriend punched a hole in your chest and tried inserting a diode inside the implant?”

Customer: “Well, not in my chest. Just on the top side of my boob so it wouldn’t hurt. He numbed it first.”

Me: “… And this is the implant’s fault, how?”

Customer: “It started leaking and getting flat.”

Me: *laughing* “I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I’m recording this and no one is going to believe me!”

Customer: *click*

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Marital Bliss, In All Its Forms, Part 2

| Des Moines, IA, USA | Golden Years, Marriage & Partners

(I’ve just done a sales pitch for internet service.)

Customer: “Oh honey, I’m 73. I wouldn’t know that to do with the internet. I can hardly run the computer my daughter gave me.”

Me: “Well, I’ll be honest. I’m 24 and I do struggle with them from time to time.”

Customer: “Boy, I sure wouldn’t want to be your age, what with all the bad things happening in the world today.”

Me: “I don’t know, I’m pretty optimistic most of the time. I think we’ll be okay.”

Customer: “You’ve never been married, have you?”

Related:
Marital Bliss, In All Its Forms

Also seen on: Not Always Right.

Chippendales, The Golden Years

| Syracuse, NY, USA | Flirting/How We Met, Golden Years

(Four elderly men enter the store. They are all at least 70, balding, and at least one has a cane.)

Manager: “Hi, what can I get for you?”

Elderly Man #1: “Are those bagels hot, young lady?”

Manager: “They’re pretty hot. They’ve been out about ten minutes.”

Elderly Man #2: “But are they as hot as us?”

Also seen on: Not Always Right.

She Who Wears The Pants

| Dover, DE, USA | Marriage & Partners

Customer: “… and I’d like a pack of cigarettes.”

Customer’s wife: “No, he doesn’t.”

Customer: “Yes, I do.”

Customer’s wife: “You don’t need them.”

Customer: “Yes, I do.”

Customer’s wife: “No, you don’t.”

Me: “No offense, sir, but she’s scarier than you are.”

Customer’s wife: “D*** straight!”

Also seen on: Not Always Right.