Spare The Bod, Sell The Husband

| Colorado, USA | Marriage & Partners

(I have recently been diagnosed with breast cancer, and have just come home from the doctor. I’m in a state of information overload and am talking to my husband about all the surgical options presented (lumpectomy, mastectomy, etc). In all fairness, my husband has been super supportive, but this is not one of his finer moments.)

Me: “I’m not sure what the best option is. It’s a big decision to make.”

Hubby: “Well, honey, whatever you feel right about. If a mastectomy is the best answer for your health, then go for it. You know I’m not a boob guy.”

Me: “Yes, lucky me. But just think babe: after the surgery, I’ll be able to get any kind of boobs I want.”

Hubby: “True. I’m just glad you don’t have butt cheek cancer. I do love your butt. I’d be sad if they had to do a butt-ectomy. Screw the boobs, save the butt!”

Me: “Nice babe, that’s great…”

Why Arranged Sounds A Lot Like Deranged

| USA | Family/Kids, Flirting

(I’m walking down the street when an older man approaches me.)

Older man: “Hey there.”

Me: “Hi.”

Older man: “How old are you?”

Me: “Um, well I’m an adult.”

Older man: “Married?”

Me: “Sir, please stop asking personal questions.”

Older man: “Sorry, but my son really needs a wife.”

Me: “I don’t even live here, I’m on vacation.” *I begin walking away*

Older man: *chases after me* “Doesn’t matter. Ah, aren’t you Chinese? I have to talk to your parents about marriage, right?”

Me: “Sir, please leave me alone.”

(Suddenly, a younger man who is across the street begins yelling.)

Younger man: “Dad! Quit nagging girls. I can find my own wife.”

(The younger man crosses street to talk to me.)

Younger man: “Sorry, young lady. My dad is not happy that my younger brother is getting married before me. Says it’s bad luck!”

The 40-Year-Old Virgin-No-More

| USA | Dating

(At the store where I work, I notice a 40 year old man is squealing and jumping up and down.)

Me: “Sir, would you please stop that?”

Man: “I can’t! I’m so happy!”

Me: “I’m happy for you too, but your behavior is disturbing everyone.”

Man: “I can’t! I’m 40 years old and I finally got a girl to go out with me! I can’t believe it! My first date!”

No Pain, No Jane

| Washington, D.C., USA | Flirting

(I’m sitting in the food area reading a book when this guy comes up to me out of nowhere. The entire time he’s talking to me, he’s looking down at his feet timidly.)

Guy: “Hey, um. I saw you back there, and, um, you’re cute, and um, I don’t know, uh…”

(He hands me a card, turns to leave, and, still looking down at his feet, walks smack into a support pole.)

Love Can Sneak Up On You

| Doylestown, PA, USA | Flirting

(I have just finished my shift at a pizza place. I’ve gotten out of uniform, taken my glasses off, and untied my hair. I walk over to a male coworker, who is still working behind the counter.)

Me: “How much is it for me to get a sandwich?”

Coworker: “Well, it’s $6.95, but for you, I’ll make it $5.”

Me: “Wait, I thought our discounts were 50%?”

Coworker: “Just because you’re cute doesn’t mean you can get it that cheap. But, if I can get your number, I’ll pay for it myself.”

Me: “I already gave it to you twice last week.”

Coworker: “How could you have? I’ve never seen you before!”

Me: “Yeah, sure.”

(I reach over the counter to grab a cup for my drink.)

Coworker: “Normally I’d charge you for that, but since you’re so adorable I’ll give it to you. So, what’s your name? Want to go to dinner next week?”

Me: *holding up name tag*

Coworker: “…you’re a ninja, aren’t you?”

(We’ve been together 6 months now.)