He-Who-Is-Properly-Trained

Boston, MA, USA | Golden Years

(I approach an older couple.)

Me: “Good afternoon, sir. Do you have your ticket?”

(The man points to a woman digging through her purse.)

Older man: “She-who-must-be-obeyed has them.”

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VOTES

Laughter (And Love) Is The Best Medicine

| Williamsport, PA, USA | Engaged, Hall of Fame, Top

(I’ve been an insulin-dependent diabetic for 37 years, and for the first time I am facing the amputation of a toe. It should also be noted that my fiancée and I have gotten into the habit of cuddling just before drifting off to sleep. These cuddle sessions often become our time to discuss serious matters.)

Me: “So, it’s decided. This ulcer isn’t getting better. If anything, it’s getting worse. The tendons are gone inside the toe, which means I’m just waiting to accidentally stub the toe off. This would only mean a bigger mess and a more serious infection. On my next doctor visit, I’ll tell him it needs to come off.”

Fiancée: “It’s okay, baby. I understand…”

(She snuggles closer.)

Fiancée: “…and I’ll still love you if you can only count up to 19.”

(Suffice to say, we both ended our night with a great deal of laughing.)

No Need For The Big Picture, Please

| Ohio, USA | Family/Kids, Flirting

(My band is between sets, taking a break. A guy my age and two people who appear to be his parents approach me, while I’m on the phone.)

Mom: “Hi…”

Me, to caller: “Hold on a sec.”

Mom: *gestures to son* “He thinks you’re really hot.”

Me: *awkward silence*

Mom: “And I’ve heard he has a monster in his pants.”

Me: *unbearably awkward silence*

If You’re Gonna Break The Ice, Might As Well Spill It Too

| South Carolina, USA | Flirting

(I am here at this college for one month during the summer as part of a special program. I am sitting with a couple of my friends in the dining hall at the end of the table. We are talking and laughing when a tall, really cute blonde guy walks up.)

Guy: “Do you know how much a polar bear weighs?”

(My friend Ashley and I stare at each other, perplexed and expecting the worst from this guy.)

Guy: “Enough to break the ice! Hi, my name is Will.”

(He shakes my hand and turns to shake Ashley’s when he knocks her cup over. The water spills on the table and the ice goes bouncing across the floor.)

Guy: “Oh my gosh! I’m so sorry! Let me go re-fill your cup!”

(He runs off and everyone at my end of the table is just staring at each other, open-mouthed. Then he comes back with the refilled cup.)

Guy: “Here you go! I’m just gonna, um, go back over here now…”

(He hurries off, red-faced and everyone bursts out laughing. It was just too adorable!)

Another Kid For Brangelina

| London, UK | Young Love

(I am the elf at a Santa’s Grotto display in a shopping centre. A very well-dressed, eloquent boy, no older than 5, sits on Santa’s lap.)

Santa: “Merry Christmas, young sir! Have you been a good boy this year?”

Boy: “Oh yes, Santa! I’ve been extra good all this year because mummy and daddy said if I am extra good, I can have whatever I want!”

(Santa looks up to the smiling parents, who are nodding approvingly.)

Santa: “Well, it does seem you have been EXTRA good this year! What would you like?”

Boy: “Angelina Jolie.”

(Santa looks again at the parents, who continue to smile and nod like this is a standard request.)

Santa:“You’d like Angelina Jolie for Christmas?”

Boy: “Because I’ve been extra good!”

Santa: “I’m sorry little guy, I don’t think she would fit in my sack.”

Boy: “Oh don’t worry, I don’t want Brad Pitt. You can give him to someone else!”

Also seen on: Not Always Right