Dreams Really Do Fall Through

| Long Beach, CA, USA | Flirting

(My co-worker and I are sitting at the front desk, waiting for something to do, and this girl walks into our office.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Girl: “Hi! I was wondering if you’d marry me?”

Me: “Wait, what?”

Girl: “Will you marry me?”

Me: “I don’t even know you.”

Girl: “Well, my name is ****.”

(She then goes on to tell me her favorite things, her hobbies, and the name of her three-year-old pug. She even shows me a picture of it. Then she expects me to tell her about myself. I didn’t say a word, but my co-worker decides to join in the fun.)

Co-worker: “His name is ****. He loves hockey, playing video games…”

(This co-worker happens to be an ex-girlfriend, which is why she knows so much about me.)

Girl: “Wow, I imagined you being so different.”

Co-worker: “Nope, he’s really that lame.”

Girl: “Never mind then.”

Also seen on: Not Always Right

I’m Not Gay, But My Boyfriends Are

| Oregon, USA | Flirting, LGBTQ

(Two college-aged guys of similar age to myself come up to the register with a box of condoms. Note: I’m male myself.)

Customer 1: “We’re not gay, you know.”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer #1: “Well, we’re not.”

Me: “Okay, I know.”

(I finish the transaction, and they’re about to leave.)

Me: “Have a nice evening.”

Customer #2: “So…uh…are you doing anything when you get off? We’d like to hang out.” *winks at me*

What A Lady, What A Night

| New Port Richey, FL, USA | Marriage & Partners

(I’m standing in line and overhear this conversation between a beautiful middle aged woman and the photo clerk.)

Clerk: “… unfortunately, we are unable to print all of your photos. Some of them are in violation of a our content policy.”

Customer: “I don’t understand. All I took pictures of was a trip to Busch Gardens and then my son’s birthday party. What could be so inappropriate?”

Clerk: “Were you at some point singing karaoke?”

(The customers face goes from confusion, to understanding, to embarrassment, and finally to barely controlled rage.)

Customer: “I will be right back.”

(The customer goes down the aisle and begins grabbing a few additional items.)

Clerk, to me: “She was naked. Pretty hot for an older lady.”

(The customer returns with her new items and makes a phone call while the clerk processes the transaction.)

Customer: *sweetly on the phone* “Oh, honey, you have been working so hard and have been so good to me. I am making you an amazing dinner. Can you pick up some makings for some cocktails on the way home? I am going to give you a night you will never forget! Love you, bye!”

(As she says this, I notice the new items she’s buying: a sports drink, anti-diarrhea medicine, and a giant bottle of contact lens solution–the latter of which can give people diarrhea. The clerk finishes the transaction and the customer gives us the most evil grin right before she walks out.)

Clerk: “Hopefully, she won’t let him suffer too long…”

Also seen on: Not Always Right

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From Tasteless Typos To Tasteful Tenderness

| Berkeley, CA, USA | Flirting, Hall of Fame, Top

(Note: The pizzeria a block from my campus made a typo in an ad published in the school newspaper that morning, advertising that the Greek Special was a “huge 18 inch” male organ instead of a “huge 18 inch pizza”. Note that I am a guy of Iranian descent.)

Pretty Girl: “One Greek Special, please.” *giggles and gestures to the ad*

Clerk: “Miss, as I’ve been explaining to everyone, there’s a typo in that ad.”

Pretty Girl: “In that case, one slice of pepperoni.”

(Three fraternity boys nearby walk over to the pretty girl.)

Frat boys: “Between us, we can give you the real Greek Special.”

Pretty Girl: “I’m not into that! Try your line elsewhere.”

(I’ve been in line behind her this entire time, and overhear the exchange. After I get my pizza, I walk over to her.)

Me: “How about I give you an Iranian special instead? Two hours of listening and afterwards you can rest your head on my chest and snuggle until you fall asleep.”

Pretty Girl: *laughs* “I’ll take it!”

(We dated for the next 4 months.)

Perspiring & Persistent

| Toronto, Canada | Dating, Flirting

Me: *on the phone* “Good afternoon, this is ***, *** speaking, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. I’m looking for a present for my girlfriend. She plays soccer a lot, and I was wondering if you carry Febreeze for her soccer shoes.”

Me: “Uh, yes sure we do.” *start to list varieties*

Customer: “That’s good. I really hope she likes it. Would you like it?”

Me: “Well, it depends on your girlfriend, sir. I may not enjoy the gift, but if you said that she needs it for her soccer shoes then she probably will.”

Customer: “She says she sweats a lot.”

Me: “Oh, well, soccer is a very physical game.”

Customer: “Do YOU sweat a lot?”

Me: “…um, no, not particularly.”

Customer: “So you would not like this gift.”

Me: “No sir, but I’m not your girlfriend.”

Customer: “Would you like to be?”

Also seen on: Not Always Right