Harry & Ginny: The Golden Years

| Long Island, NY, USA | Golden Years

(A man walks up to my register with his wife, they have a few items, one of which is a broom.)

Me: “How are you guys today?”

Husband: “Oh, we’re good.”

(The husband takes the broom and places it on counter, then stares at his wife).

Wife: “What?”

Husband: “Are you sure you’re going to fit on this?”

Also seen on: Not Always Right

Dyeing For An Innuendo

| Ohio, USA | Dating

(My boyfriend and I have been together for about two weeks. I’m sitting beside him doing homework and he’s on the computer instant messaging with someone. I look over and read the following.)

Friend: “Haven’t talked to you in awhile. What’s new?”

Boyfriend: “Not much. I have a girlfriend.”

Friend: “Dude, awesome. What’s she look like?”

Boyfriend: “She’s a dirty blonde.”

(At this point, I smack him.)

Me: “That makes me sound awful! My hair is blonde–light brown, if you must–but it’s not dirty!”

Boyfriend: “But that’s what it’s called…”

Me: “NOT ON ME.”

10 Little Pints Of Joy

| Florida, USA | Family/Kids, Marriage & Partners

(A guy comes into my register with a pretty standard basket of groceries.)

Me: “Sir, did you only get one pint of Ben and Jerry’s?”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “Well, it’s ‘Buy one, Get one free’ this week.”

Customer: “Hold on.” *runs off and returns a minute later with 9 more pints*

Me: “You must really like Ben and Jerry’s, huh?”

Customer: “I have a pregnant wife.”

Also seen on: Not Always Right

You Had Me At Hello, But Lost Me At Hell No

| Frederick, MD, USA | Dating

(I am on a date with a guy for the first time.)

Me: “I’m really glad we did this.”

My date: “Yeah, I really feel like I know you…”

(I stand up to get some napkins.)

Me: “Do you need any napkins or anything?”

(My date also stands up, but suddenly puts his hand on my stomach.)

My date: “Soon, you will be plump with my seed.”

Me: “I want to go home now.”

See No Evil, Grope No Evil

| Detroit, MI, USA | Golden Years

(One of the regular customers at our hardware store is an elderly man named Ernie. Ernie usually came in just after the store opened and there weren’t many customers, so I’d grab a couple lawn chairs off the shelf and sit out front with him, drinking coffee. Sometimes he’d make fun of my long hair by calling me ‘Missy’ or try to offer me a job as a secretary at his company as a joke, but I shrugged it off. One afternoon, Ernie’s wife comes into the store and encounters the owner. Note: I’m a man.)

Wife: “I’m supposed to drop off these measurements to Jamie for the new kitchen floor they talked about this morning.”

Owner: “You mean Jimmy? He’s the one that talked to Ernie this morning.”

Wife: “I might have the name wrong. My husband said she’s a cute little brunette that wears glasses.”

Owner: “We haven’t had any women working today, Ma’am.”

(I walk out of the back room at this point. Ernie’s wife looks over in my direction, squints a little, and hands the piece of paper to me.)

Wife: “I guess my husband’s vision isn’t what it used to be, sonny.”

Me: “What do you mean, ma’am?”

Wife: “His hearing is gone too! Don’t worry, sonny. He won’t be trying to play grab-a** with you any more!”

(Ernie didn’t come in very often after that.)

Also seen on: Not Always Right