Plankton & W.I.F.E., The Early Years

| Minnesota, USA | Engaged

(Note that my fiancé has, shall we say, attention problems. This occurs the night before finals week my fourth year in college. My fiancé is cuddling with me while I’m trying to fall asleep.)

Fiancé: *pokes me very frantically*

Me: “Yes, dear?”

Fiancé: *continues poking*

Me: “What, dear?”

Fiancé: *pokes a few more times, than says excitedly* “Do you know what that is?

Me: “What, dear?”

Fiancé: “THAT’S SPONGEBOB!”

(Apparently, he had been poking the rhythm to the Spongebob Squarepants theme song into my arm. Needless to say, it was a very long night.)

The Frog And I

| Florida, USA | Marriage & Partners, Young Love

Me: “I like this boy at school. I want to marry him!”

Mom: “That’s nice, but aren’t you a little young? You’re only 15.”

Me: “Well, when I grow up. He’s my Prince Charming! We’re going to live happily ever after. Nothing will change that!”

Mom: “That’s a nice dream.”

Me: “Dream? No, it’s gonna be real! Doesn’t everyone marry their Prince Charming?”

Mom: “Everyone wants to, but you know, real life isn’t always a fairy tale ending. I wanted to marry my Prince Charming when I was younger.”

Me: “Didn’t you?”

Mom: “No, I married your Dad instead.”

How About Some Dessert Instead

| Ireland | Proposals

(I have a table of four foreign business-men. One of them looks very sad.)

Sad customer: “And also, you bring me tea because this country is very cold and I am sick.”

Me: “I’m sorry you’re not well. Of course I’ll bring you some tea.”

Sad customer: “…and then you marry me, because no-one will marry me.”

Also seen on: Not Always Right

Not The Kind Of Arches I’d Imagined

| Texas, USA | Proposals

(My boyfriend and I are eating lunch at a fast food restaurant known for its iconic arches. The decor of this particular establishment is a bit tacky, with plastic gold candelabras, “fancy” wallpaper, and paintings. We’ve been together a while and have been planning on getting married.)

Me: “I don’t understand why someone would decorate a [fast food restaurant] like this.”

Boyfriend: “I know. Can you imagine how many people have been married in these places?”

Me: “Oh, I know.”

Boyfriend: “Or how many people have gotten engaged in one?”

Me: *laughs* “Probably too many to count.”

Boyfriend: “Well, there’s about to be one more!” *reaches under the table*

Me: *speechless*

Boyfriend: “I’m kidding! I’m kidding! Oh, you should see your face right now!”

Me: *fuming* “I can’t believe you did that!”

Boyfriend: *laughing*

(He proposed for real a few months later, and we got married the following year.)

Contractions Speak Louder Than Words

| Manchester, UK | Family/Kids, Marriage & Partners

Me: “Hello sir, how can I help?”

Customer: “I want to make a complaint about the lady who just served my wife. She is 8 months pregnant. When she came to pay, the checkout girl didn’t offer to help with the packing. She let my wife struggle!”

Me: “I’m really sorry. It’s store policy to ask if the customer needs help with the packing. Do you have the receipt so I can see who served her?”

(I walk over to the till and show the checkout girl the receipt. She explains what happened. I return to the customer.)

Me: “Hi sir, the checkout girl explained that your wife was on her phone at the till. She asked a few times if she needed help packing but she didn’t answer. I’m confident we did all we could to help.”

Customer: “Well, that’s not good enough. I want some money back on the shopping for the poor service. My wife is pregnant and in a lot of pain and had to struggle on her own. No one helped her.”

Me: “This receipt is from a few minutes ago. Can I ask where you were?”

Customer: “I sat in the car waiting for her to come back. What’s that got to do with anything?”

Also seen on: Not Always Right