Foot In Mouth Disease, Perhaps

| Kansas, USA | Flirting, Young Love

(I am sitting alone at my lunch table, waiting for my friends to finish getting their food when a boy I’ve never talked to comes up.)

Boy: “Hey there, [my name]·”

Me: “Uh, hi?”

Boy: “So, I was wondering…”

Me: “What?”

Boy: “Do you have some disease that makes it so you can’t absorb fat correctly?”

Me: “Um, excuse me?”

Boy: “Well, you’re just really skinny.”

Me: “That was the worst pick up line, ever.”

Boy: “I’m sorry. But seriously–no diseases?”

Me: “What? No!”

Boy: *disappointed* “Oh, okay. Well, can I maybe text you sometime?”

Me: “Honestly, no.”

Ball Buster Filibuster

| San Jose, CA, USA | Fights/Breakups, Marriage & Partners

(I work at a video store, where in order to rent movies we ask for a phone number and then read out their name to verify the account. You can have one primary account name, with others added on to it. This particular customer was on the account under his wife.)

Me: “Phone number, please.”

Customer: *reads out number*

Me: “Are you under [name of wife]”?

Customer: “Not tonight. She’s mad at me!”

Also seen on: Not Always Right

Hair Apparent, Frustratingly Senescent

| Salem, OR, USA | Golden Years

(I’m sitting outside, relaxing in the sun with my youngest daughter, when my sweet husband comes out the front door to talk to me. He looks down at us and pauses before going back inside.)

Husband: “You know honey, the way you’re sitting there with the sun shining on your hair, I just realized…”

(I smile at him affectionately, anticipating the compliment he is about to pay me.)

Husband: “You’re getting really gray-headed, old woman!”

Related:
Hair Apparent, Innuendo Imminent
Hair Apparent, Forgetfulness Deterrent

Marriage: The Ultimate Slippery Slope

, | East Greenwich, RI, USA | Family/Kids, Marriage & Partners

(I work in the shipping and receiving department of a furniture store, where customers ring a bell so I can give them their box. We also have a loading dock for semi’s.)

Outside: *BANG! BANG!*

(Alarmed, I go to the loading dock where I see an E-class Mercedes sliding repeatedly down the icy incline and crashing into the building.)

Me: “Sir! Sir! What are you doing?”

Customer: “I’m trying to pick up my f***ing table! You call this customer pick-up?”

Me: “No, Sir. We call this the loading dock. The customer service door is right over here.” *points at door*

Customer: “F***! Would you come down here and help push my car up the grade while I floor it?”

Me: “Sir, that incline is solid ice. If I slip or your car slides down, I could be killed. So, no, I won’t do that.”

Customer: “Well, f*** you!”

Me: “Okay, sir. Just ring this bell over here when you get out.”

(After a few more minutes and several more crashing noises, the bell rings. I open the door and it’s the same customer standing outside.)

Me: “Hello, sir. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I need this.” *hands me slip*

Me: “Okay, sir, I’ll have that ready right here for you. Would you like some help getting it into the car?”

Customer: “F*** you!”

(The customer takes the box by himself and attempts to fit box into his back seat but fails, as it’s filled with various items. He pulls out a child’s stroller and throws it across the road and into the woods, where it catches and hangs on a tree branch. He then proceeds to throw all other items in his car out onto road. The whole time, his wife is standing with me and watching.)

Customer’s wife: “Here you go.” *gives me a $10 tip*

Me: “Good luck with that guy.”

Customer’s wife: “Yeah, thanks. He’s still got to put that table together!”

Also seen on: Not Always Right

Someone’s Sleeping On The Tarmac Tonight

| Calgary, AB, Canada | Engaged, Fights/Breakups

(Around 12:30 am at the airport, a young woman in her mid-20’s strolls up to me at the check-in counter.)

Me: “How are you this morning?”

Female customer: “Alright. How early can I check in for a morning flight?”

Me: “Using the kiosk boarding pass printers, you can check in up to 5 hours early, but you won’t be able to drop off your bag until we open again around 5 am. What flight are you on?”

Female customer: “My name is *** and I’m on the 6:30 flight to Winnipeg. My fiance just broke up for me because of an argument that’s his fault. He just up and left, so I thought I’s come here and see. We are still on the same flight, too.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Well, at least you are on separate reservations. Did you want to go later?”

Female customer: “No, I just want to get out of here. Is there a bar or anything open around here?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but the only thing open is the Tim Hortons, which is one floor below us, and the Mac’s stores on either end of the terminal.”

Female customer: “Okay. Is there anywhere to sleep?”

Me: “Sure, just head up to the third floor. There are some very comfy chairs, and it’s nice and quiet.”

Female customer: “Thanks…” *leaves*

(About ten minutes later, one of my coworkers calls a guy in his late 20’s up to her podium. I overhear their conversation…)

Coworker: “Where are you off to?”

Male customer: “Winnipeg at 6:30 am.”

Coworker: “Okay. You won’t be able to checkin until 5 hours prior, and you won’t be able to drop your bags until we open again around 5 am.”

(I know where this is going, so I walk over to the counter and chime in.)

Me: “Can I ask you a very personal question?”

Male customer: “Okay?”

Me: “Did you just break up with your fiance?”

Male customer: *surprised* “How do you know!”

Me: “I just talked to her about 10 minutes ago. She is here at the airport.”

Male customer: “F***! Where is she?”

Me: “I sent her downstairs to the Tim Hortons, and then to the third floor to sleep.”

Male customer: “Where should I go?”

Me: “If you stay on this floor, you should be okay. Just head down the terminal further by the other airlines. She won’t look for you there.”

Male customer: “F***! We’re on the same flight too!”

Me: “I know. Good luck!”

Also seen on: Not Always Right