Card Red-Handed

| Brisbane, Australia | Infidelity, Marriage & Partners

(I notice a man sneak a card into his bag. He then picks out another card and comes to the register. It’s a “Happy Anniversary” card.)

Me: “And the other card?”

Man: “What other card?”

Me: “You slipped it into your bag.”

Man: “I didn’t!”

Me: “You did. Want me to show you the security feed?”

Man: “Um…”

(He reluctantly takes the second card out. It has “To My Love” on the cover.)

Man: “Shh…please don’t tell my wife. I’ll pay separately, but destroy the second receipt.”

(Sadly–but not surprisingly–his mistress’s card was more expensive than his wife’s.)

Romantically Centsless

| Dublin, Ireland | Dating

(My boyfriend runs a catering company, and travels around in a refrigerated food-storage van. This day, he’s been working in a hotel about two hours away, near a milkshake and smoothie bar that I love.)

Boyfriend: “Hey honey, I’m home. I was near that milkshake bar earlier that you love, so I bought you a Chocolate Malt and stuck in in the fridge in my van. Here you go.”

Me: “Aw, that’s so sweet! Thank you, I love these things.”

Boyfriend: “So, that’s €4.95 you owe me for it. I have five cents if you don’t have change.”

Me: *speechless*

Boyfriend: “So, what’s for dinner?”

Bosomless Buddies

| Chicago, IL, USA | Dating, Top

(My friend and I walk into our apartment late one night to find our boyfriends discussing the perfect woman. Without them knowing, we silently stand right behind them and listen in on the entire conversation.)

My boyfriend: “A blonde with blue eyes and C-Cups, that’s where it’s at.”

Friend’s boyfriend: “Completely. No questions asked. We just need to find some.”

(At this point, my friend speaks up.)

Friend: “Good luck with that!”

(Our boyfriends turn around, both of them with shocked faces.)

Me: “Well, [friend] and I are going to take our brown hair and B-Cups to bed to sleep. You two can share the couch.”

(Needless to say, they did a lot of apologizing for the next few weeks.)

The Not-So-Gentleman Caller

, | Nevada, USA | Flirting

(While at home, the phone rings and I answer.)

Caller: “Hi, will you be my girlfriend?”

Me: “Um, who’s this?”

Caller: “I’m me. I’m kinda dialing random numbers in the phone trying to find someone.”

(I think it’s one of my friends.)

Me: “Alright, quit joking around. Who’s this?”

Caller: “My name’s Joe. I’m looking for a girlfriend. And–”

Me: “I have a boyfriend and I do not appreciate random calls like this. Thank you.” *click*

(A few minutes later, the phone rings again.)

Caller: “Hey, what’s wrong, sweetie? We haven’t got to know each other yet.”

Me: “Go away or I’ll call the police.”

Caller: “Fine, you’re boring anyway. I’ll keep dialing random numbers until I find someone who cooperates.” *click*

I’m Not Gay, But My Boyfriends Are, Part 2

| Berkeley, CA, USA | LGBTQ, Top

(It’s a Friday. I’m chatting with customers while making their drinks. An attractive woman approaches my bar. Note: I’m a gay male, and few have trouble figuring that out.)

Me: “Doing anything exciting this weekend?”

Attractive woman: *glares* “I’m spending my weekend with my really jealous boyfriend.”

Me: “Oh? I’m spending my weekend with my boyfriend too!”

(She looks confused, then embarrassed, grabs the first drink out, and quickly leaves the store.)

I’m Not Gay, But My Boyfriends Are