A Stench Made In Heaven

| New Mexico, USA | Marriage & Partners

(My hubby and I have only been married for three months. One night, he comes home from work and starts getting ready for bed.)

Me: “You need a shower.”

Hubby: “I know, don’t worry! I won’t make you smell my ball sweat!”

Me: “Why did ‘ball sweat’ remind me to take my birth control?”

Hubby: “Welcome to marriage, babe.”

They’re Useful For Clawing Creeps

| San Jose, CA, USA | Flirting

(I have long fingernails that usually have artwork on them. A guy about 20 years my senior comes up to me when I’m reaching for an item on a shelf.)

Guy: “Wow, I really love your nails!”

Me: “Oh, thank you.”

Guy: “I hope you have someone who appreciates what those nails can do!”

Me: “Uh, I do.”

Guy: “Does he treat you like a princess? Because if not, I know of someone who will.”

Me: “Oh, he does.”

Guy: “Do you suppose we could clone you?”

Me: “Uh…I don’t think the world needs more than one of me.”

Guy: “I guess it would be unethical. Well, bye now! You take care of those nails!”

(He walks off. I go to find my boyfriend and stay with him until we’re done shopping.)

And By The Orwellian Power Vested In Me

| Minneapolis, MN, USA | Hall of Fame, Proposals, Top

(My boyfriend and I are out at a nice restaurant to celebrate getting into the same graduate school. He has been vehemently anti-marriage for our entire relationship, but ever since we got accepted I’ve been trying to figure out the best way to ask him to do a commitment ceremony with me. What can I say, I like parties!)

Boyfriend: “Now, before I say anything, please don’t cry or make a huge scene, okay?”

Me: *slightly freaked out* “Okay…”

Boyfriend: *pulls out ring box* “Sweetie, I love you very much, and I want the blessings of our fascist state on our union. Will you marry me?”

Me: *crying* “Yes, you jerk!”

(And so far, we’ve lived happily ever after.)

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I Love You Just The Way You (And Your Rear) Are

| Chicago, IL, USA | Dating

Boyfriend: “I’m going to start working out again, I want to lose a little weight.”

Me: “Me too! Maybe we should start running or biking together?”

Boyfriend: “If you lose that ass, I’m breaking up with you.”

Me: “…what?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, I like them big!”

Now, The Only Thing Hot Is The Water You’re In

| Virginia, USA | Dating

(I’m at dinner with my boyfriend and his friends. They’re teasing me about the girl my boyfriend had been talking to before we started dating.)

Me: “I don’t care, because he picked me. Right, baby?”

My boyfriend: “Exactly. You were clearly the better choice.”

Me: *grinning* “What made me the better choice?”

My boyfriend: “She was insanely hot. Whenever we went out, guys were constantly staring at her. I don’t have to worry about that with you!”