10 Stupid Things Customers Have Said In Restaurants!

The Show

From the creators of Not Always Right, The Show is your new weekly dose of our most funny and outrageous stories–the ones worth telling!

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Their Love Is T-Rated

| Scotland | Engaged

(I’m sitting on the couch with my fiancée and I’m just wanting to make sure she’s comfortable.)

Me: “Are you okay there, love? Can I do anything for you? Rub your back? Make you lunch? Maybe [intimate underpants sex act]? Get you a cup of tea?”

Fiancée: *excitedly* “Ooohh! I’d love a cup of tea!”

Needs To Pun Ahead

| Worksop, England, UK | Marriage & Partners, Punny

(I am at work and get a call on my mobile from my wife.)

Wife: “I’m going to have to cancel and rearrange my optician’s appointment; I’m just way too busy with work to make it.”

Me: “Well, you need to look further ahead in the future to plan it better don’t you!”

(There is a few seconds pause, during which I can literally feel the frostiness building up over the phone. She is ‘our’ planner, always has been, and is very good at it, whilst I’m useless at planning ahead.)

Wife: “What did you say!?”

Me: “Think about it…”

Wife: *repeating me* “I need to look further ahead…” *groans* “…go away!”

Golden Years To Make You Feel Golden

| Ottawa, ON, Canada | Golden Years

(I work at a secondhand bookstore and have an older couple come in. After helping them find a few hardcovers, the man mentions that they have been together for over 42 years.)

Wife: *declaring proudly* “42 and a half.”

(I ring them up, and because I can’t resist, I ask:)

Me: “If you don’t mind me asking, what’s the key to staying together for so long? It’s lovely to see.”

(Her husband waits, knowing his wife will respond first.)

Wife: “Let’s see… patience.”

Husband: *joking* “Infinite patience. Especially for changing minds.”

Wife: “A sense of humour is most important to me, someone you can laugh with. He’s very quiet, but he tells the best jokes.”

(They look at one another, smiles on their faces.)

Wife: “And there comes a point, too, when you’ve been with someone for a few years, and that point is, ‘Should we stay together? Are you really the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with?’ And it comes down to a choice, you see. To love someone, with all their little quirks and complexities. And I knew I loved him, and I wanted him in my life. And I chose him.”

Husband: *with a smile* “I’ll always choose her.”

(They grabbed their purchases and left me with a warm feeling for the rest of the day. It’s moments like those that can make you believe love actually exists.)

Fell Into The Engagement

| India | Engaged, Proposals

(My fiancé and I are from a country where the norm is to have arranged marriages, and engagements are usually a party announcing that the guy and girl are going to be married. However, recently, more people have been dating before marrying. My fiancé and I dated for seven years before we decided we want to get married and told our families. Then an engagement party was announced for us. I am a klutz and before the party, I am nervous.)

Me: “I’m nervous.”

Fiancé: “Cold feet huh?”

Me: “Huh? What? No. I’m nervous that I’ll trip and fall in front of everyone during the ceremony.”

Fiancé: *thinks* “Just try your best to fall on one knee. I’ll clutch my face and start crying and squealing that you’re proposing. We’ll make a skit out of it! Nobody will know you fell!”

Me: “…”

(I laughed so much, I actually forgot to be nervous. His sense of humour ensures that I’ll never actually get cold feet.)