Only A Jedi May Enter…

| London, England, UK | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(It’s Sunday morning, and I am getting dressed in the bedroom while boyfriend is preparing breakfast in the kitchen. I realise that I not only gained weight around my tummy and hips, but that my breasts have also grown significantly)

Me: “My boobs have grown drastically…”

Boyfriend: “Where did they come from?”

Me: “No idea…”

Boyfriend: *mishearing* “What, Darth Vader?! Are they his spare helmets or something?”

The Grinch Who Changed Christmas… Again

| San Jose, CA, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Fights/Breakups

(Some friends at work and I had recently discussed what we’re getting for our significant others for the holidays — I explained that as we’re onto our eighth Christmas together, my boyfriend and I stopped exchanging gifts a while back. About a week later I’m talking to one of them about the same topic; he hates the holidays but it’s his girlfriend’s favorite time of the year.)

Coworker: “She changed her mind about what she wants again. We were talking about it and I told her, ‘You know, [My Name] and [Boyfriend] don’t get each other anything and they’re perfectly happy!'”

Me: *laughing* “NO!”

Coworker: “Yeah, she got hella mad.”

Me: “I could’ve told you that would happen.”

Coworker: “I should’ve known better. So then I asked her to pay for my next tattoo as her present to me and she said ‘Sure! What are you getting?’ And I told her… The Grinch. She was like, ‘F*** you!'”

Me: *laughing*

Coworker: “So THEN she starts going on about how someday she’ll teach me to love the holidays as much as she does. So I told her ‘Well, if that happens, they just can ink over him so his heart grows three sizes, right?’ And she yelled ‘F*** YOU!’ again.”

Me: “You didn’t handle this very well.”

Coworker: “I really didn’t. Now she’s getting jewelry for Christmas.”

Me: “Until she changes her mind again?”

Coworker: “YES. THANK YOU.”

Not Bready For This Relationship

| Sunnyvale, CA, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(We’re getting what we need at the grocery store, but unlike usual we aren’t working off a list because we only need a few things. We tend to run things by each other whether we need to or not.)

Me: “Soup’s the only other thing we need, right?”

Boyfriend: “Yep! Ooh, and can I get more bread?”

Me: “Didn’t you just buy bread yesterday?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, but I already ate about a third of the loaf. Apparently I go through it pretty quickly.”

Me: “Okay! I mean, regardless, you could still get bread. I’m not so mean that I’d tell you you’re NOT allowed to have bread.”

(Later we’re loading groceries in the car and I’m talking about making a stop to get tea.)

Boyfriend: “Sure! And I can get chocolate milk. I mean, that’s okay, right?”

Me: “Fiiiine. Jeez, you want bread AND chocolate milk? You’re so demanding lately. Weren’t we just talking about how we don’t get each other anything for Christmas? What happened to that? Now you want bread AND chocolate milk! Ugh. So needy.”

Winter Is Coming… Out

| Kitchener, ON, Canada | Boyfriend/Girlfriend, LGBTQ

(My girlfriend and I are talking about our past relationships.)

Girlfriend: “I’ve wound up liking a few guys… only to find out they are gay.”

Me: “Hey, babe, I’m as straight as the day is long!”

Girlfriend: *worriedly* “But what about in winter?”

Hopefully Woke Up With Full HP

| NY, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My cousin’s girlfriend is a huge fan of video games and apparently sleep-talks when she starts to be immersed in her dreams. I am nearby when they are on the couch in my living room; she is sleeping on his lap when she mumbles:)

Girlfriend: “No… the Behemoth… I’m low on HP… [Cousin], heal me with something…”

(He gives me a confused look.)

Cousin: “Umm… [Cousin] uses hi-potion on [Girlfriend].”

Girlfriend: “Thank you…”

(When she woke up she didn’t remember any of it.)