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Divorcing Yourself From The Situation

| FL, USA | Divorce, Popular

(I work in the county courthouse. Much of my day is spent getting customers documentation of their divorces for Social Security benefits, DMV, pension plans, passport applications, etc. On this particular day, a woman comes in with her current husband needing a certified copy of her divorce from the mid-1980s. A coworker could not find it and asked me to look.)

Me: “Ma’am, we cannot locate any record of your divorce. Was it filed in this county or one of the neighboring ones? Or was it possibly filed under a different name?”

Wife: “Oh, it was definitely filed here. Under [Name].”

(After much searching I find it by looking up one of the children on the case. It is filed under a hyphenated name, not the one she gave me over and over. However, the divorce was never finalized.)

Me: “Ma’am. I believe I’ve located the case. I just need to verify some details on the case.”

(After verifying that this is indeed her case, I have some unfortunate news…)

Me: “Ma’am, I’ve located your case. However, unless you or your husband filed in another county, your divorce was never finalized here. The judge dismissed this case as none of the parties showed up to the hearing.”

(As expected, she goes ballistic… Her current husband gets a rather weird look on his face, smiles, starts laughing, and throws up his hands…)

Husband: “This is the best news I’ve ever had! This means I’m not legally married to this crazy b****!”

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Making Periodic Updates

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Marriage & Partners

(My wife has always had a unique way to describe when she’s on her period.)

Wife: “I don’t think we can have sex this week, due to my monthly biological functions.”

(Or…)

Wife: “Well, I’m dripping tonight so next Sunday should be fine for sex.”

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Date Is Suddenly On Fire

| Vancouver, BC, Canada | Advice, Dating, Popular

(I, female, am on a first date with a guy from an online dating site. My roommate, male, and I had signed up on the site at the same time, and have a habit of “safety calling” each other in the middle of dates to make sure everything is going all right. The location for this particular date happens to be about two blocks from where my roommate works as a firefighter. On my way to the restaurant, I turn off the ringer on my phone because my ex-boyfriend is being annoying and calling me, and I want to be in a better frame of mind than dealing with him when I go on this date. Fast-forward about two hours; Date and I are having a fabulous time.)

Waitress: “Um, are you [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes?”

Waitress: *holding out a cordless phone* “I have a [Roommate] on the phone here for you?” *she looks REALLY uncomfortable, like she wondered if that’s my boyfriend on the phone and am I cheating with this guy*

Me: *look of horror on my face* “Oh, no! I turned off my ringer! He’s probably been trying to–! Oh, my God!” *takes phone* “I am SO sorry!”

Roommate: “You’d better be. I haven’t met this guy, I’m on the island until tomorrow, and if you hadn’t answered the phone, you’d have a big red truck showing up at the restaurant. I was going to send the guys to do a welfare check.”

Me: “Thanks, [Roommate]. That wouldn’t have been embarrassing at all.”

Roommate: “Leave your ringer on next time? I was worried.”

Me: “Aww, everything’s going fine. I’ll call you when I’m back at home.” *hangs up, hands phone back to waitress* “So… yeah… that’s the roommate I was telling you about. The one who calls to check in with me on every date?”

Date: “I could hear something about a truck?”

Me: “Yeah… his fire-hall is just up the street, and if he hadn’t been able to get ahold of me, he would have asked them to do a welfare check. Here. At the restaurant.”

Date: “That would have been fun…”

(Cue laughter from both of us. We had a great time on that date, and on the next few, but we didn’t really click. However, the roommate and I have been together for years now, so everything worked out wonderfully in the end!)