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Going On And Hobbiton All Night

| NY, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My boyfriend and I are both pretty dorky; we’re discussing the topic of “erotic Dungeons & Dragons.”)

Boyfriend: “How would you even make that sexy? Would you have to roll initiative to see if you can take your pants off or not?”

Me: “I don’t know, I think there’s a lot of kinky potential in the fantasy genre. Like… orc orgies?”

Boyfriend: “Goblin grinding?”

Me: “Wizard wanking!”

Boyfriend: “Hobbit humping! Wait, no. Hobbit’s are proprietary, so they aren’t in D&D.”

Me: “It’d have to be halfling humping. Otherwise it’s just sexy copyright violation.”

flirting

You Can Do Bet-ter

| VA, USA | Flirting

(During my senior year, I volunteer as a docent at the aquarium. I am one of the “funny guys” in the group of docents. A lot of my jokes are about my love life, or rather lack thereof. One day, as I walk into the break room, this happens.)

Volunteer: “Hey, [My Name], you wanna go on a date?”

Me: *completely serious* “What was the bet?”

(Everyone burst out laughing because, apparently, she actually did lose a bet. To be fair, I didn’t like her that much and would’ve most likely said no even if there wasn’t a bet.)

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The Pun Nazi

| TX, USA | Marriage & Partners, Punny

(My wife is a bit nuts about cables; she hates to see them. I’m a computer/network/electronics guy. You can imagine this causes some friction. I’ve just set up a new TV we got.)

Me: “I just had to use the tools I used for running wire through our attic and walls just to get a power cable behind our entertainment center, and it’s your fault.”

Wife: “How is that my fault?”

Me: “Because you’re the cable Nazi. Wait, what do you always say about cables? That you don’t want to ever see them…”

Wife: “Yeah, so?”

Me: “Right. You’re the cable ‘not-see’!”

Wife: “You’re sleeping on the couch. I can’t be with that level of dorkiness.”

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How Angelina Jolie Orders Takeout

| Ireland | Marriage & Partners

(My husband is rarely home from work at a consistent time, so he messages to let me know when to expect him. Our baby daughter woke up early from a nap in the middle of this exchange…)

Husband: “All going well. Be home around 18:15.”

Me: “Okay. What you wanna do for dinner?”

Husband: “Be lazy and get takeout?”

Me: “I love you.”

Husband: “I love me, too. Have a think of what you’d like.”

Me: *noticing daughter* “A well-rested baby…”

Husband: “Indian or Chinese well-rested baby?”

Me: “Quarter pounder well-rested drive-thru baby.”

(Pause.)

Me: “With extra cheese.”

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Very Punful

| Engaged, Punny

(My fiancé and I are in the middle of being intimate. She is known as being a klutz and we joke that risking personal injury is a part of marrying her. She accidentally digs her hip into my inner thigh very hard.)

Me: *groans in pain*

Fiancé: “Oh, I’m so sorry!”

Me: “Well, at least I know you haven’t been replaced by pod people, or a clone, or an alien replicant or anything. You’re still you.”

Fiancé: “Yeah, my hips don’t lie!”

Me: *groans at the pun, laughs, kisses her*