With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 17

| Louisville, KY, USA | Marriage & Partners

(My husband and I both work at the same small grocery store. One of the company’s policies is that the meat department has to cook bacon in the morning because the scent makes customers hungry and then they buy more. The cooked bacon is supposed to be sampled to customers, but if it’s slow staff can eat it. I see my husband deliver bacon to a couple of coworkers.)

Me: “Bacon?”

Husband: “Bacon?”

Me: “Bacon.”

Husband: “Bacon.”

(A few minutes later he brings me some.)

Husband: “Bacon.”

Me: “Bacon!”

(Weird stares from coworkers.)

With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 16
With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 15
With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 14

How To Look A-lure-ing

| Woodstock, GA, USA | Flirting/How We Met

(I’m in high school at the time of the story. I’m on a popular app that’s a lot like texting, but with pictures and captions instead. I’m talking to my crush.)

Crush: *sends picture of her with something in her hair*

Me: “Forgive me if I’m wrong, but are those fishing lures?”

Crush: *looking disappointed* “No, [My Name], they’re earrings.”

Me: *terrified* “Sorry… I have lures that look just like that.”

Crush: *without earrings in her hair* “All normal!”

Me: “Noooo, it broke the line! And was a beauty, too!”

Can You Smell The Love Tonight, Part 16

| BC, Canada | Marriage & Partners

(This was when my husband and I were still dating, about 18-20 months in. We are laying in bed chatting before going to sleep.)

Husband: *offhand* “You know sometimes I can only tell if you’re really asleep when you start farting.”

Me: “What?! Do I fart a lot in my sleep?!”

Husband: “Yes, but it’s good! I know you’re actually totally relaxed when you fart! I know you don’t always sleep well. They’re reassuring farts.”

Me: “Oh, my GOD! Did you have to tell me?! Now I don’t want to sleep!”

Husband: *continuing absently* “I think it’s also some kind of defense mechanism, because when I startle you or tickle you, you fart then, too.”

Me: *laughing uncontrollably by this point but horribly embarrassed* “Stop! No more talking about me farting!”

Husband: *earnestly* “No! Like I said! I love you, so you have reassuring farts!”

(To this day we still laugh about me and my ‘reassuring farts!’)

Can You Smell The Love Tonight, Part 15
Can You Smell The Love Tonight, Part 14
Can You Smell The Love Tonight, Part 13

The Joke Has Reached Its Twin Peak

| New Zealand | Dating

(My boyfriend and I have talked about having children before, but we have both agreed that we neither want, nor are ready, to have kids anytime soon. He has just shown me a cute gif of twin babies.)

Me: “That’s freaking adorable!”

Boyfriend: “I know, right?” *pause* “This doesn’t mean I want kids yet, just so you know. I just thought it was cute.”

Me: “Oh, me neither. And just so you know, I would rather not have twins, either. Having one at a time would be hard enough.”

Boyfriend: “Aww, but I could pull soooo many pranks with twins!”

Me: *stern* “No.”

Boyfriend: “Yes.”

Me: “You want twins? You can deliver them.” *I meant give birth*

Boyfriend: “Sweet! Just as long as we don’t live in the country. I don’t want to have to pay heaps for rural deliveries.”

Me: *half amused, half irritated* “Not what I meant, but whatever you say.”

Boyfriend: *haughtily* “I liked my joke. AND SO WOULD THE TWINS!”

Finished A Game Of Sarcastaball

| Davenport, IA, USA | Dating

(After my boyfriend I have sex for the first time, we leave so that he can play in his indoor soccer league. This conversation occurs after the game.)

Boyfriend: “And now you have seen me play soccer. I don’t know how you aren’t trying to have your way with me right now.”

Me: “Lots of self control.”

Boyfriend: “I sense no sarcasm in that sentence, so WOO!”