Narration Fail

| CA, USA | Engaged

(My future in-laws are holding their annual Halloween party, and this year, it is vampire-themed. My fiancée and I are in the living room, and I am observing her writing a “Fangria Special” on a whiteboard for a vampire pub set up in the gazebo in the backyard. She accidentally messes up a letter and erases it.)

Me: *pretending to be the erased letter* “AHHHHHH!”

(My fiancée gives me a look before returning to her work. A little bit later, she erases another part of the whiteboard.)

Me: “AHHHHHHH!”

Fiancée: “Don’t narrate my failures!”

Me: “I’m not calling them failures! You’re killing them! Don’t you see that, hon? You’re killing your works of art!”

(My fiancée puts down her marker and gives me a rather appropriately evil and Halloween-ish glare.)

Fiancée: “I’m killing them because they’re not fit to live.”

Don’t Sweat The Sweater

| MA, USA | Dating

(I am currently knitting my boyfriend a sweater. In order to make sure he likes it, it will not be a surprise and I have let him pick the pattern and the colors. He is very excited about the sweater and has been singing my praise.)

Boyfriend: “This will be the best sweater in the world! It has blue, like your eyes, and brown, like your hair, and grey, like the parts of your eyes that have grey in them… and it’s soft… like your boobs.”

Fluctuating Weight

| Cincinnati, OH, USA | Dating

(My boyfriend and I are not a particularly romantic/affectionate couple. We get back to my apartment one night and he sprawls out on my couch, so I lay between his legs. It’s worth noting that while I have some extra tummy pudge that I’m slightly insecure about, I’m far from fat. A few minutes later, he makes a smart comment.)

Me: *slithering my upper body onto his* “What did you just say?”

Boyfriend: “UGH! Why are you so fat?”

Me: *trying to play hit him* “DON’T CALL ME FAT!”

Boyfriend: “Why are you so overweight?!”

Me: *continuing to play hit him* “Don’t say that!”

Boyfriend: *deflecting my attempts* “Why are you so underweight?”

Me: “Don’t lie to me!”

Boyfriend: “Why are you so… perfectly proportioned?”

Not Much Assurance In The Marriage

| NJ, USA | Marriage & Partners

(My husband recently got some new insurance benefits at work.)

Husband: “I’ve got pretty good life insurance now. So you’ll be happy to know that if I die you stand to get a quarter of a million dollars.”

Me: “Nice. If I die, I think you only get $75,000 or something.”

Husband: “Ugh, lame. Hardly even worth murdering you.”

Me: “I know. Sorry.”

The Many Forms Of Love

| Australia | Engaged

(I have two large cold sores on my lip, which have made my bottom lip swell to about twice normal size. Needless to say, I’m feeling self conscious.)

Fiancé: “It looks like you’re sulking.”

Me: “I’m not sulking. It’s just my face. I’m hideous.”

Fiancé: “You’re not hideous. You’re just slightly deformed!”

Me: “Thanks, baby, that makes me feel so much better.”