Linking The Princesses

| Salem, OR, USA | Engaged

(My fiancée and I are both horrible nerds, and very, very drunk. I’m watching the Screw Attack Death Battle series on YouTube.)

Me: “See, they even say it: Princess Peach vs Princess Zelda is matching the ‘two most useless damsels in distress.’-                          ”

Fiancée: “Well, Peach is f***ing useless, but the only times Ganon invades is when Zelda’s been deprived of her powers. She’s actually a really powerful sorceress!”

Me: “Then why isn’t she the main character of the games? Why does she need to be rescued by an effeminate man in a Peter Pan costume?”

Fiancée: “Because he’s the Hero of Time!”

Me: “Effeminate man in a Peter Pan costume!”

Fiancée: “Hero of Time!”

Me: “I should post this on Not Always… but butt-hurt Link fanboys…”

Time To Break Up, Make No Bones About It

| CA, USA | Advice, Fights/Breakups

(My roommate and I are watching the TV show ‘Bones.’)

Roommate: “So I think I need to break up with [Boyfriend].”

Me: “Oh, why?”

Roommate: “Well, the other day we were kissing and all I was thinking about was what his skull would look like if I peeled off all the skin.”

Me: “Well, to be fair he does have an interesting looking skull… Kind of prognathic…”

Roommate: “Right! And his forehead slopes back more than normal…” *pause* “…but I think if that’s what I’m thinking about while making out I should probably break up with him.”

Me: “Yeah, probably.”

Valentine’s Pay

, | Neuquén, Argentina | Advice

(I’m the customer in this one. It’s Valentine’s Day, and although is not a really celebrated holiday in my country, the company is American. I have already ordered and I’m about to pay when the cashier smiles at me and makes me a question.)

Cashier: “Are you in love?”

(I was rejected by my crush two weeks ago, so the question doesn’t make me happy at all.)

Me: “No, not really…”

Cashier: *bummed* “…I’ll give you the discount anyway. I hate having to ask that.”

The Apex Of Asex Ignorance

| Batavia, NY, USA | Advice, LGBTQ

(I and my fellow female coworker are working a Tuesday night together as hosts. I’m wearing my glasses and no makeup that night.)

Coworker: “Take off your glasses!”

(I oblige.)

Coworker: “You have such pretty eyes! Why don’t you wear contacts? Maybe you could get a boyfriend!”

(She runs off to do something and returns a moment later, having noticed my startled expression.)

Coworker: “…or maybe a girlfriend?”

Me: “Oh! Uh, no. If I ever dated it would be a boy, but I’m actually what’s called asexual, which basically means I don’t find anyone sexy.”

Coworker: *jaw drops* “You don’t find anyone sexy? Like ever?”

Me: “Well, maybe Captain America.”

Coworker: “But how would you have sex?”

Me: “Um, well, there’s other ways to get to that point. Besides, you know I’m a church girl, so I only plan to have sex with my husband anyway.”

(For the rest of the night she continues to prod me, asking kind of invasive questions about my purity pledge and under what circumstances I would have sex, and telling me that she wants to take me out and get me drunk so I can lose my V-Card. I put up with it, thinking she’ll get it out of her system. Unfortunately, it continues two nights later, when I actually am dressed up a little nicer in honor of a favorite movie’s anniversary.)

Coworker: “Oh, you look nice tonight! Is it for the bartender?”

Me: “Uh… no.”

Coworker: “You have to admit he’s attractive.”

Me: “Yes, he’s cute. Sure! I’ll admit that. I know when people are handsome.”

Coworker: “But not the ‘s’ word?”

Me: “What?”

Coworker: “Sexy? Still have problems with that word?”

(I roll my eyes and keep working. Later a large family comes in to celebrate their son’s 18th birthday, as they were not allowed into the local casino because he does not have a driver’s license.)

Coworker: “Oh, hey, I wanted to get your number.”

Me: “Oh, sure!”

(I give my number, thinking she wants it for shift changes and stuff. Then I read what she’s written beneath the number.)

Me: “…Happy Birthday?”

Coworker: “I can’t believe you fell for that! I’m giving it to that cutie at table 64.”

Me: “What? Oh, come on! You know he’s 18 and doesn’t have his driver’s license, right?”

Coworker: *pauses* “Well, you’re 21 and still a virgin, so I guess everyone has their own story!”

(For some reason I guess she just took my decision not to have sex really personally!)

Shred Away The Romance

| Scottsdale, AZ, USA | Advice

(A friend and I are shopping for dinner when we ask an employee for help.)

Me: “Excuse me, where is the shredded parmesan cheese?”

Employee: “Right this way. If the two of you are planning a romantic wine and cheese night may I suggest a bottle of wine?”

Me: “Um, no, thanks.”

Friend: “I think he thought we were a couple.”

Me: “I’m more concerned he thought our wine and cheese night would be centered on shredded parmesan.”