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Try Some Kentucky-Fried-Orc

| NM, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(I’ve just started playing a new D&D campaign with some friends, and I’m trying to develop a ‘character voice’. My character is a woman, like me, but I’m still having trouble coming up with something that is distinct from my own voice but not sounding like a caricature, so I’m venting to my girlfriend.)

Me: “Ugh, this is so hard. I have like a million times more respect for voice actors now.”

Girlfriend: “Just go the [Well-Known Podcaster] route: your regular voice, just slightly lower.”

Me: “I’m trying all the ways. Higher, lower, something that turned into a weird Southern accent somehow.”

Girlfriend: “Oh, my god, babe, you gotta use that one!”

Me: “Listen, I don’t know where exactly [Character] is from on account of our DM throwing that weird amnesia plotline at us, but I’m pretty sure it’s not Fantasy Georgia.”

Girlfriend: “You’re right.” *pause* “It’s Fantasy Texas.”

Be Happy It Wasn’t ‘Great Balls Of Fire’

| OK, USA | Marriage & Partners, Non-Dialogue

My husband and I are lying in bed getting ready to spend quality time together. I ask our voice activated speaker to play romantic music.

What is the first song it played?

The theme from The Nutcracker.

The mood was ruined for a few minutes while I laughed so hard I cried.

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Please Don’t Fix Dinner

| Brisbane, QLD, Australia | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(I’m trying to open a packet of popcorn. Getting frustrated, I leave my computer and walk into the kitchen.)

Boyfriend: “Do you need help with that?”

Me: “No.”

(I grab a knife and proceed to stab it several times.)

Boyfriend: “You needed help with that.”

Me: “No. Knives fix everything… except knife wounds.”

Boyfriend: “No, knives fix knife wounds; you just need a bigger knife!”

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A Threepenny For Your Answer

| Tampa, FL, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My boyfriend and I are in the kitchen listening to some old tunes. He’s washing dishes while I’m cooking dinner.)

Me: *passionately singing along with “Mack the Knife”* “Now that Maaackyyyyy’s… back in toooooowwwwwnnnn!”

(The song ends, and after a few moments of silence while we’ve been quietly working on our respective tasks…)

Boyfriend: *puts down dish brush and turns toward me, completely serious* “If Mack’s ‘back in town’… where did he go?”

(I started laughing so hard, I had to temporarily excuse myself from the kitchen.)

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Lower Forms Of Communication

FL, USA | Dating

(The guy I have been dating has just gotten out of the shower while I am still washing my hair.)

Guy: *unintelligible noise*

Me: “Hm?”

Guy: “Well, I mean I just farted, if that’s what you’re asking about.”

Me: *hysterical laughter* “I thought you were saying something to me!”