Chocolate Salty Balls

| Denver, CO, USA | Marriage & Partners, Popular

(I’m on my period, cramping, and miserable.)

Me: “We need chocolate.”

Husband: “We should have gotten chocolate the other night, when I wanted it.”

Me: “When your testicles turn against you and start inflicting pain, we can talk.”


Having A Six-Inch For Lunch

| San Francisco, CA, USA | Marriage & Partners, Popular

(My wife and I are engaging in sexy times. It’s now her turn to finish. It’s late in the morning and her mind is clearly elsewhere, because…)

Me: “How does that feel, darling?”

Wife: “Mmmmmm, delicious. …I may or may not be thinking about lunch.”


Needs To Get A Refund On That Dream

| CA, USA | Engaged, Popular

(It’s Saturday, and my fiancée and I are sleeping in. My phone rings, and since it’s a number I don’t recognize, I let it go to voicemail. After I listen to the message, I nudge my fiancée.)

Me: “It’s [Alcohol Distributor]. They said they didn’t properly process the order we made for the wedding, so we get ninety-five dollars back.”

Fiancée: “Oh… okay.”

Me: “So, if you could go to the store and get that figured out while I’m out today, that’d be awesome.”

Fiancée: “Yeah, sure.”

(I get out of bed and proceed to take care of some errands, including picking up a suit and getting a haircut. Before heading home, I send my fiancée a text.)

Me: “Hey, love! Have you checked in with [Alcohol Distributor] yet about that refund?”

(I get a text back.)

Fiancée: “No. I thought I dreamed that, actually!”

(Turned out that she was half-asleep when I told her the news! We wound up going to the store together to work out that refund.)


Here We Pokémon Go Again, Part 5

| Madera, CA, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Pokemon

(This is our first Pokémon Go date and my boyfriend is excited because I am now a high enough level to join a team. He is currently dragging me by hand to the nearest gym to do so.)

Boyfriend: “Come this way so you can join Team [X]. All others are the enemy!”

Me: “So, I take it you don’t want me on a different team than you?”

Boyfriend: “No!”

Me: “But what if I end up choosing a different team?”

Boyfriend: *in a very firm voice* “Then we would have to break up.”

(We are still together, so I guess I chose right!)

Here We Pokémon Go Again, Part 4
Here We Pokémon Go Again, Part 3
Here We Pokémon Go Again, Part 2


Was Only Lost For One Episode

| NY, USA | Marriage & Partners, Popular

(During the very first episode of Lost, about 15 minutes in…)

Me: “This is dumb. It’s all going to purgatory and they all died in the crash.”

Wife: “Nuh uh.”

(Six years later, watching the series finale…)

Wife: “I hate you a little bit.”