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My Super Villain Wife

| OR, USA | Marriage & Partners

(I really dislike Superman as a character, which my husband knows. We both play a collectible figure strategy game that has characters largely based on comic books and movies (as well some video games and other stuff). The pieces are referred to as Clix. I do have a great love of Batman and his villains, and most of my own collection reflects that. I refuse to take in any Superman pieces, though, with the exception of one.)

Husband: *opening a box from a new set* “Hey, check this one out. Superman’s all infected with Kryptonite.”

Me: *I grab the card that accompanies the piece and explains his abilities, and laugh* “Nope! Figures, he’s actually under Poison Ivy’s control. How does he always wind up like that? It’s so ridiculous. I hate him.”

Husband: “Why is that again?”

Me: “He’s touted as being super and infallible but he usually either winds up under someone’s control or loses his temper and goes nuts! There’s even a whole video game where he becomes a tyrannical dictator and melts Shazam’s face in one of the cut-scenes! He sucks.”

Husband: *holds the piece out to me* “You do like Poison Ivy though, and he pairs up with her.”

Me: “Hmmm… I do…” *takes the piece* “I shall call him B**** Superman. Because he’s Poison Ivy’s b****.”

Husband: *laughs* “Okay, you have fun with that.”

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Engaged With The Wrong Parent

| PA, USA | Engaged, Proposals

(My parents had just gotten engaged, and my father wants to talk with my grandfather about what he thinks of him marrying my mom. Unsure how to go about this, my father decides to approach my grandmother about how best to broach the subject. He is incredibly nervous due to a few mishaps when mother’s sister got engaged to someone my grandfather didn’t care for.)

Daddy: *nervously stands next to my grandmother while she does the dishes* “Excuse me, Mrs. [Grandmother], uhm… What would be the best way to talk to your husband about [Mother] and I getting married?”

Grammy: *grins and tosses down the dish she was washing* “The best way to talk to my husband about getting married?! Here, I’ll show you!” *she then takes my father by the hand, drags the poor man to the TV room where my grandfather is watching something, and switches said TV off*

Grandmother: “[Grandfather]! [Father] here wants to tell you something!” *makes a grand gesture to my father* “YOU! You’re on!”

(My poor father managed to stutter out what he wanted to say, and thankfully my grandfather was very happy with their engagement! They’ve now been very happily married for more than twenty years, and despite my mother’s growing health issues, he always looks at her like he loves her more every day, never thinking her a burden, and giving her the biggest kiss on the lips when he comes home from work! Needless to say, my boyfriend has a lot to live up to! ;) )

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Well, Who Isn’t?

| Memphis, TN, USA | Marriage & Partners

(I’m currently five months pregnant, showing, and making myself a snack in the kitchen. I have a sudden thought and grin.)

Me: “Hey, babe! I’m barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen!”

Husband: “Did you say you’re Barefoot Contessa?”

Me: “No! I’m not as pretentious as her.”

Husband: “But you are as cute at her!”

Me: “I’m not cuter than Ina Garten? She’s like 60! She is pretty cute, though.”

Husband: “Yeah, she’s like the non-threatening Martha Stewart!”

Me: *baffled laughter* “Are you afraid of Martha Stewart?!”

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Beginning To See Why They Broke Up

| USA | Exes/Old Flames

Me: “[Ex], I am a sissy. Motivate me to not suck so much.”

Ex: “Stop being a b****, b****.”

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Cheesy Love

| USA | Friends With Benefits

(I’m texting with my best friend from our respective houses during our fall break. She’s eating lunch, and I’m hanging out with my guy friend who is slightly more than just a friend. Note: As a running joke, I randomly bite him gently on his chest or arm when we cuddle.)

Me: “What are you up to?”

Best Friend: “Lounging in my bed with pizza. You?”

Me: “Lounging in my bed with [Guy Friend].”

Best Friend: “Better than pizza?”

Me: “Hold on, haha. I’ll ask him.”

(In person:)

Me: “Babe, are you better than pizza?”

Guy Friend: “Same thing.”

Me: *confused* “Um… what?”

Guy Friend: “We’re both warm and cheesy… and you bite us both!”

(I started laughing and relayed the information to my best friend, who agreed it was pretty accurate. For the record, I do like him slightly more than pizza!)