Conceiving A Decent Excuse

| Finland | Marriage & Partners

(My husband and I are trying to conceive. This morning, my waking temperature indicates that I am likely to be ovulating. We are both in the mood, so we decide to take advantage of the opportunity immediately. Afterwards, we head to work later than usual.)

Me: “If anybody complains, we can tell them we had an urgent family situation.”

Husband: “…”

Me: “We were trying to add more family members.”

The Low Point Of Their Relationship

| NY, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(A week before this story, I had to take my boyfriend to the ER for a bad head wound that ended up needing staples. I take him back to the ER to get them removed a week later and chat with one of the doctors while another doctor removes the staples behind a curtain.)

Me: “Yeah, I already heard the joke of ‘What did you do to him?’ when we came here last week.”

Doctor: *laughing* “Well, what DID you do to him?”

Me: “Look, I’m 5’4”, and he’s really tall. If I was going to do damage to him, I wouldn’t be able to do anything to his head. It would be—“

Doctor: “His knees?”

Me: “Or, you know, other areas that would hurt.”

(My boyfriend and the other doctor come out from behind the curtain, and the doctor I’m talking with sees that my boyfriend is 6’5″ tall.)

Doctor: “Oh, man, you weren’t kidding.”

Me: “See? I told you! Below the belt!”

Boyfriend: “I don’t even want to know… do I?”

(I promise I love him!)

Can’t Take That Bach

| ON, Canada | Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Punny

(My boyfriend and I are at school and he is packing up his locker, looking for a specific music book.)

Me: “Ready to go?”

Boyfriend: “Just a minute… Found it!” *pulls out Bach music book*

Me: *giant grin* “Soooo… you couldn’t find that book at first, right?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah?”

Me: “So it was lost… And now it’s Bach?”

Would Hate To See Dressed Down

| AB, Canada | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(I’ve just gotten home from work and see my boyfriend standing in the kitchen. He’s wearing khakis and a t-shirt.)

Me: “What are you all dressed up for?”

Boyfriend: “This is dressed up?”

Me: “Well… you’re wearing pants.”

harassment

Lacking Stylus And Style

| Kansas City, MO, USA | Harassment

(While in high school I work at a grocery store. Our card reader has a stylus attached that fell off, so the manager puts up a sign that said “please use finger.” A gentleman comes up to the register with a few items.)

Me: *scans items* “Hi, how are you?”

Customer: “Fine. Just these, please.”

Me: *finishes scanning* “Your total is [total].”

Customer: *looks for stylus*

Me: “Oh, the stylus broke off. You have to use your finger.”

Customer: “That’s what she said.” *winks, creepy smile*

Me: *shocked* “Okay… Have a nice night, sir.”

Customer: “Oh, I will.” *winks again, leaves*