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His Support For You Is Integral

| San Francisco, CA, USA | Marriage & Partners

(My wife and I are chatting via Facebook from our respective workplaces.)

Wife: “I need to poop.”

Wife: “Very badly.”

(She is a schoolteacher, so she can’t just run to the bathroom whenever she pleases. Having said that, she has a “prep” period at the end of the day instead of students — and, if my understanding of her schedule is correct, it will begin shortly.)

Me: “Isn’t your prep soon?”

Wife: “10 min.”

Me: “YOU CAN DO IT!”

Me: “I TRUST IN THE INTEGRITY OF YOUR BUTTHOLE!”

Me: “THERE’S A SENTENCE I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SAY!”

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Married To A Spice Girl

| WI, USA | Marriage & Partners

(My husband and I share a house with a few people. One evening, my husband and one of our housemates are both in the kitchen, making dinner, while I am watching. It is worth mentioning that I have pale skin and red hair.)

Housemate: *looking through the spice cabinet* “Hey, [Husband], where’s your ginger?”

Me: *waving and smiling* “Right here!”

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A Common Excuse

, | WA, USA | Marriage & Partners

(My job occasionally requires me to travel. I don’t like it, and neither does my partner, but I do what I must. I have just gotten news that I’ll be out of state for nearly a week.)

Partner: “Okay, so, tell your boss this. We’ve been together for almost six years, which makes you my common-law wife, so that makes you my property, and I say you can’t go.”

Me: *laughing* “I have to stay and be barefoot in the kitchen, right?”

Partner: “Exactly!”

(The next day, I actually do try this line of reasoning on my boss, who is pretty laid-back.)

Boss: “Nice try. Washington doesn’t have common-law laws. Enjoy Texas.”

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It’s Not A Party Until It’s A Party

| Tacoma, WA, USA | Engaged

(My partner and I have just gotten officially engaged though we have discussed our wedding prior to this. For context when I mentioned weddings having themes his mind immediately went to party themes and he suggested ‘Doctor Who.’)

Me: “So, are you cool with having [Four Friends] as our wedding party?”

Partner: “Yeah, it can be at the laser tag place!”

Me: “You do know that the wedding party just means the groomsmen and bridesmaids, right?”

Partner: “Ohhhh…”

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Beneficial Language

| Tampa, FL, USA | Friends With Benefits

(I’ve been friends with benefits with this guy for a while, and I knew I was catching feelings for him. I didn’t think the feelings were mutual, so I broke it off with him. Long story short, we were both devastated by the split and avoided each other for a few weeks until he came to my apartment and confessed his love for me. After hours of talking, I walked him to his car. Neither of us are touchy feely.)

Me: *kissing him goodbye* “I love you.”

FWB: “I love you, too.”

FWB: *eyes widen in realization* “Good god, we say that now don’t we?”

Me: “I f****** love you, you stupid piece of s***. Better?”

FWB: *smiling* “Much better.”