Needs To Trump Your Nose

| CO, USA | Marriage & Partners

Me: “Hey, can you grab me a Kleenex? My nose has decided it’s going to run.”

Partner: *handing it to me* “It’d make a better president.”

harassment

Behaving Below The Belt

| UK | Harassment, LGBTQ

(One of my best friends is a non-op transgender woman. She’s been flirting with me heavily for weeks and, thinking she was joking, I played along. I’m a lesbian.)

Friend: “Hey, [My Name], do you want to come back to mine?”

Me: “Sure, we can do that. Just let me finish my drink.”

(I finish my drink and stand to leave. At that moment she lunges at me, trying to kiss me. I push her away.)

Friend: “What the h***, [My Name]?!”

Me: “I’m not interested in you like that, [Friend], sorry.”

Friend: “This is just because of what I have between my legs!”

Me: “It’s not that. It might play a part, because I don’t like penis and I am gay, but we’re also friends. I wouldn’t want to ruin that.”

Friend: “LIAR! You’re a TRANSPHOBIC B****. You have NO RIGHT to exclude me because of my genitals.”

Me: “Actually, I do. I don’t want to have sex with you. Whether or not this is because of your penis, it’s my choice who I sleep with. I’m going home.”

(I start walking out.)

Friend: “YOU’RE A F****** SLUT ANYWAY! YOU’LL SLEEP WITH ANYONE SO WHY NOT ME? F****** B****!”

(We aren’t friends anymore.)

A Love Worth Belching About

| NC, USA | Engaged

Me: *looking romantically at my fiancé* “How are you so attract—”

Fiancé: *burps in my face*

Me: “—ive”

A Fortunate Proposal

| NY, USA | Proposals

(My boyfriend and I are having dinner with his siblings and some other friends. We’re having Chinese takeout, and afterwards there are fortune cookies. My boyfriend passes them out.)

Brother #1: “Mine says ‘Your future will be happy and productive.’ I hope so!”

Me: “Mine is ‘Believe in yourself, and others will, too.’ I like that.”

Boyfriend: “Wait, what? Let me see yours.”

(He takes my fortune and reads it, then looks in the takeout bag, looking confused.)

Brother #2: “Guys, my fortune says ‘Will you marry me?’ What?”

Boyfriend: “Oh, f***!”

(He leans across the table, snatches the fortune out of Brother #2’s hands and gives it to me.)

Boyfriend: “Well, no one can say I didn’t try.”

(I said yes.)

Socks To Be You

| Indian Orchard, MA, USA | Exes/Old Flames

(My ex is a cop. He drives me up the wall by holding his uniform socks up to the light and peering intently at them to make sure they are the exact same shade of navy blue or black.)

Me: “If someone is close enough to tell the difference, they are too close.”