He Stuck The Landing

| CT, USA | Flirting, Young Love

(My senior year, in English class, as an assignment and ice breaker, our teacher assigns us to bring in an item to use as a metaphor for ourselves. The two most notable ones were my friend’s and his crush’s.)

Girl: *holds up duct tape* “I brought in duct tape because it holds things together just like how I connect my friends. It’s not very pretty, but it gets the job done. Just like me.”

(A bunch of other people present until…)

Friend: *holds up super glue* “I brought in glue because it can build or fix things if you try hard enough like I do.”

(Almost everyone forgets about these metaphors come prom season, when during lunch he comes up to the table where she’s eating with the dorkiest grin on his face. On the side are our other friends and I, as we’re recording all of this going down.)

Boy: *facing Girl* “[Girl], if you’re tape, and I’m glue, then will you stick together with me at Prom?”

Girl: “Oh, my gods, yes!” *she hugs him before looking at the sign properly, and she takes it and shows it to everyone while laughing*

(The sign? It was the word ‘PROM?’ spelled out in duct tape with glue squiggles as a frame.)

He’s Having A Bad Blonde Moment

| NM, USA | Dating

(I am naturally blonde; while in college I decide to be a redhead — a redhead on a budget. So about once a month I would buy a $2 box of dye, in all different shades. Sometimes I was deep auburn, sometimes I was copper penny red. Clearly I was dying my hair. I worked with this guy for two years during this time period. He had a huge crush on all the girls there, myself included. It is worth noting that he was Hispanic and very vocal about all perceived racism and stereotyping. He told a tale of woe about how awful his life growing up had been with being picked on because of his race, until a year later his younger brother started working at the same place, and we find out he grew up in a small town that was nearly 90% Hispanic and the reason he was picked on was because their dad was the Sheriff and his mom a judge, and he made use of that. One day during a conversation I make a comment about dying my hair.)

Guy: “Wait, wait, you aren’t a natural red-head?!”

Me: “Dude, you’ve been in my pants. No, I am not.”

Guy: “But… but what are you, then?”

Me: “What? Blonde.” *laughing* “Why does it matter?”

Guy: *with a look of horror* “Are you kidding me!? You are a liar and a fraud; all blonde girls are mean, stuck up b****es! They think they are so much better than anyone; will never give a guy like me the time of day!”

Me: “Seriously? You’ve known me for two years. Have I ever given you that impression? We have known each other intimately; are you seriously going to sit there and tell me that you have such a problem with the hair color I was BORN with, that knowing me for two years doesn’t matter, because I am blonde? Seriously? You don’t see the utter hypocrisy you have going on right now?”

(He didn’t see the hypocrisy — and we no longer hung out except as work forced us to.)

Not Sure Who Wears The Pants In This Relationship

| NY, USA | Marriage & Partners

(My husband and I have just finished dinner and are walking back to the car. The parking lot was crowded when we arrived, so the car is a bit far out. I’m absolutely freezing; I’m wearing a knee-length, short-sleeved dress and no coat, because I was an idiot and didn’t bring one. We make it to the car and are buckling in when I realize that I left my phone in the restaurant.)

Me: “Oh, no, I left my phone! Back out into the cold for me.”

Husband: “I’ll go get it.”

Me: “No, I left it in the ladies’ room. I’ll just walk really fast.”

Husband: “Wait a second.”

(He proceeds to take off his pants and give them to me.)

Husband: “These will keep you warm.”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Babe, I was just going to ask for your jacket.”

Husband: “Well… the pants are off now, so just take them.”

Me: “This is really weird and really sweet.”

(Luckily his pants weren’t too big on me, and they WERE warm. I did cause a few double-takes in the restaurant, though.)

These Chemistry Puns Are Sodium Funny!

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Squaring That One Away

| Prague, Czech Republic | Golden Years, Marriage & Partners

(Despite my age, I not only decide to donate blood for the first time, but I also talk my husband into doing the same. We are in the waiting room, filling in the questionnaire. Everything goes well, but then my husband gets to the part about “risky behaviour,” which may disqualify a person from being a donor.)

Husband: “What is this? Do I have to fill it?”

Me: “What is the problem? You never got transfusion, much less abroad, you never touched a prostitute, actually you slept with only one woman the last twenty years, and you never even thought about taking drugs!”

Husband: “Yeah… Now they will think I am complete square who has no fun in life!”


Husband: “And yet I have SO MUCH FUN with you, my sweetest bloom on the tree of beauty!”

Me: “Tough luck. Let’s hope the medical records are really secure here.”