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A Gut Feeling That They’re Gonna Be Okay

| CA, USA | Marriage & Partners

(My husband and I are getting ready for work and he’s been in the bathroom awhile. He finally comes out and this exchange happens:)

Husband: “Dear God, that coffee just blew through all my insides. I don’t know if there’s anything left!”

Me: “Yeah, coffee’ll do that to you.”

Husband: “Seriously, if s*** was gold we’d be rich right now.”

Me: “There’s brown gold up in them hills!”

Husband: “But now I feel like everything inside is on the verge of collapsing.”

Me: “The integrity of the colon is at stake!”

Husband: “LOOK OUT! THAT WAS A LOAD BEARING POOP!”

Me: “We’re so gross.”

Husband: “Kiss me.”

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Wouldn’t Dream Of Doing It… Oh, Wait

| USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My boyfriend and I have just woken up and are still in bed.)

Me: “I had such a nice dream about you last night.”

Boyfriend: “Oh, I know. You wouldn’t stop groping me.”

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: “You were violently groping me in your sleep. I rolled over to get you to stop, and that didn’t even work.”

Me: *laughing uncontrollably* “Well, did it feel good?”

Boyfriend: “NO! I feel violated!”

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Oh, My Gourd!

| Washington, DC, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend, LGBTQ, Popular

(My boyfriend and I, both male, are in a supermarket. I’m having issues with allergies that have made my eyes red and sore. We’re buying a cucumber so I can put cucumber slices over my eyes. Note: the area we are in has a large gay population.)

Boyfriend: *looking through the cucumbers* “Let’s make sure we get a good one so we can eat it afterward!”

Me: “…”

Everyone Else: “…”