Socks To Be You

| Indian Orchard, MA, USA | Exes/Old Flames

(My ex is a cop. He drives me up the wall by holding his uniform socks up to the light and peering intently at them to make sure they are the exact same shade of navy blue or black.)

Me: “If someone is close enough to tell the difference, they are too close.”

No Splinter In Their Relationship

| MN, USA | Marriage & Partners

(I’m well known for being extremely clumsy and unlucky. My wife comes home from work around four am. I’m in bed asleep, and roll over to greet her when a sharp pain stabs me between my toes.)

Me: “OW! What in the—”

Wife: “Oh no, what did you do now?”

Me: “Foot, foot, foot, ow—”

Wife: “You… you have a splinter between your toes.”

Me: “What?! It wasn’t there when I went to bed. How did I give myself a splinter in my sleep?!”

Wife: *sighs and gets the tweezers* “I want to say I’m surprised, but honey, you always damage yourself somehow. You’ve been okay lately, so I guess you were due.” *looks at my other foot* “What’s that?”

Me: “What’s what?” *she pokes the top of my foot and I howl in pain* “WHAT DID YOU DO?!”

Wife: “Oh-kay. Time to call a doctor!”

(I had a cyst on my other foot that was also on my tendon. I wound up needing surgery to remove it. Love hurts!)

It Finally Didn’t Click

| ME, USA | Marriage & Partners

(I’m talking to my husband about bills. It’s worth noting that while we both were born blond and have changed hair color, I’m the one who is the ‘dumb blond.’ I have a pen in my hand, and I’m clicking it.)

Me: “They should make non-clickable pens.”

Husband: “…dear.”

Me: “What? They should!”

Husband: *he starts laughing* “Look on the other side of your hands.”

(I did, and to my embarrassment, there was an entire package of normal pens… that don’t click. He puts up with this every day.)

Crackers With A Pun-gent Flavor

| San Francisco, CA, USA | Marriage & Partners, Punny

(My wife has fired up the shower for us. I step in.)

Wife: *begins splashing me*

Me: “Augh!”

Wife: “Okay, fine, switch.”

(I am now standing under the water, but she has contrived to still splash me.)

Me: “Augh, I’m assaulted on both sides! I’m a cracker!”

Wife: “Huh?”

Me: “A-salted on both sides?”

Wife: “And also because you crack yourself up?”

(My wife then begins laughing at her own joke.)

Me: “Umm… apparently that’s NOT me…”

My Wife The Spam-bot

| Geneva, Switzerland | Marriage & Partners

(My husband and I are at home. He’s working in one room and I’m surfing Facebook in the sitting room. I see an interesting link and send it to him. Then I find a second link and send it to him also. He comes running in, furious:)

Husband: “I haven’t even finished reading the first one! This is spam!”

Me: “Calm down. There’s no time limit to read these.”