The Wrongest Flavor Of Chocolate

| Essen, Germany | Engaged

(My fiancé and I are in bed, in the middle of sexytime. He was hungry before and thought about having oats with milk and chocolate powder, but got distracted when I came out of the shower naked. We literally JUST finished.)

Fiancé: “Are you sure there is no chocolate powder left?”

Me: “I love you, too, honey!”


A Brief Period Of Stereotyping

| San Jose, CA, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My parents were recently on vacation in Canada and brought back a few things including snacks, some of which they send me. I also accidentally left my sunglasses in their car the last time we saw them before their trip, so they put the sunglasses in with the care package. Naturally, I forget to take them out to leave in my car. My boyfriend and I are now in my car and I’m driving. The sun is in my eyes so I fumble for my sunglasses, but of course they aren’t there.)

Me: “Oops. My sunglasses are on the kitchen table, aren’t they?”

Boyfriend: “Yep! In the bag with the rest of the stuff.”


Boyfriend: “Uh…”

Me: “Oh. My period started yesterday, by the way. In that context, the moment I just had probably makes a lot more sense.”

Boyfriend: “There we go!”


It’s Crime For Dinner!

| Wheaton, IL, USA | Harassment

(This conversation takes place over the chat feature of a popular social networking site. I have recently accepted a friend request from a guy that I went to high school with, but never knew very well. It should be noted that if one were to actually look at my profile, it is obvious that I am in a long term relationship.)

Guy: “I just wanted to say that you’re absolutely beautiful.”

(I’m surprised, since this is the first I’ve heard from him in ten years, but decide to attempt to proceed graciously.)

Me: “That’s nice of you to say, thank you.”

Guy: “You’re welcome! How have you been?”

Guy: “I think you should go to dinner with me.”

Me: “That’s a kind offer, but I’m not sure my boyfriend would appreciate that very much. Know what I mean?”

Guy: “Yeah, but that would only apply if he knew. Just saying.”

Guy: “75% of relationships have one or the other cheat. I’m not asking you to cheat. Just go to dinner.”

(I was so astounded that I didn’t respond right away. An hour and a half later…)

Guy: “Was that a no?”

Me: “97% of statistics are made up on the spot.”

Guy: “That’s true but that’s a real stat.”

Me: “Thank you, but I am not interested in dinner.”

Guy: “Fine. But if anything changes, I really would love to take you.”

Me: “I haven’t gotten where I am by sneaking around and I’m not about to start now.”

Guy: “Well, you never know.”

(I stopped responding at that point. Some people just can’t take a hint!)


Has A Sixth Sense For These Things

| London, England, UK | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My boyfriend and I decide to sit down and finally watch a highly popular drama series about hackers in order to catch up with the current season. A couple mutual friends had been raving about it and it recently won a prestigious television award, so we’re both really excited to get into it. We’re watching the second episode when I notice something. It should be noted that I am completing a degree in Film Studies.)

Me: “Oh… d***.”

Boyfriend: *gives me a worried look* “Something wrong?”

Me: “No, it’s just… I may have unintentionally spoiled an important plot point for myself.”

Boyfriend: *surprised* “What, really?”

Me: “Maybe? There’s a chance I could be wrong, but now that I’ve seen it it’s going to bug me… Hold on, I’m gonna check in with [Friend]!”

(Since I’m pretty sure that I’m right and don’t want to spoil the show for my boyfriend I text one of our friends who has watched already. They confirm my suspicion and it turns out to be a major plot twist for the series. The damage is done but I keep watching with a fresh pair of eyes and see the show from a different angle, which actually enhances the experience rather than kills it! Eventually the plot twist is revealed near the end of the season and my boyfriend is reeling is surprise.)

Me: *smiles*

Boyfriend: “Wait, why aren’t you reacting? This is huge!”

Me: “Um, do you remember when we started watching and I thought I uncovered a major plot point?”

Boyfriend: “Yes?”

Me: *point to screen*

Boyfriend: “Are you kidding me? You figured it out THEN?? How?”

Me: “I’ve studied Secret Window, Fight Club, The Sixth Sense, and many Shyamalan films! All the clues were there in plain sight! It’s the curse all film students must bear!


He’s A Few Digits Short Of A Phone Number

| Lansing, MI, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(It is the 1970s. We have an ice storm, and the electric and phone lines are down. Things are gradually being restored, and our phone rings. My sister answers; it’s her boyfriend.)

Boyfriend: “Hi, I was calling to see if your phone was working?”

Sister: “Nope. It won’t be fixed until Friday.”

Boyfriend: “Okay, I’ll call back Friday.” *click*

(My sister stares at the phone a few minutes, waiting for him to catch on, and call back. Nope. On Friday afternoon:)

Boyfriend: “Hi, I was wondering if your phone came back on yet?”

Sister: “Yes, it was working on Wednesday, last time you called.”

Boyfriend: “No, you told me it was still out, and to call back today. So, is your phone working?”

Sister: “YES! And it was working Wednesday, too. Why didn’t you call back?”

Boyfriend: “Because your phone was not working. You told me so.”

Sister: “Yes, I told you OVER THE PHONE. The phone you called me on. The phone I answered. I heard you; you heard me. It was working.”

Boyfriend: “But you told me it wouldn’t be working until today!”

(She dumped him before she hung up.)