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Oh, Deer…

| USA | Marriage & Partners, Punny

(I’ve been sick and finally feel well enough to fool around. As we are cuddling and getting in the mood.)

Me: “Can you say something romantic to me?”

Husband: *grinning mischievously* “Your breasts are like two fawns—”

Me: “Not working. Try again.”

(Pause.)

Me: “Wait, is it because you’re FAWNdling them?”

Husband: “Really?”

Me: *dies in a fit of laughter/coughing fit*

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Game Of Life

| WI, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(I am on the phone with my boyfriend while he is playing a new video game. He’s on a side mission where he has to go kill this creature and when he gets to it, it is really huge and scary looking and he’s flipping out a bit. It hits him and causes a lot of damage with just one hit, so now he’s running away.)

Boyfriend: “Run, run, run!”

Me: “Okay, babe, here’s how ya gotta run.”

Boyfriend: “Hmm?”

Me: “Okay, so pretend that you got me pregnant and my dad found out.”

(My dad is a former marine who is very fond of his gun rights and I’m the oldest child, all three of which are daughters. Even though I’m 20 and Boyfriend is almost 19, and we’ve been dating for three years now, he might have a bit of a problem with it since we don’t even live together. We don’t want kids, for now, and probably won’t for a few years yet.)

Boyfriend: “Yikes. Well, my objective is to kill it, so I should really stop running and do that.”

Me: “Okay, then. So pretend that this monster is the boyfriend to our probably not-going-to-be-existent future daughter and you just found out he got her pregnant.”

Boyfriend: “All right, boy, let’s f****** go.”

(He — his character, anyway —  died bravely trying to defend the honor of our non-existent future daughter.)

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Not The Top Slice Answer

| TX, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My boyfriend and I are shopping at our local grocery store for beer. This particular beer he wants is best served with orange slices so we head for produce.)

Boyfriend: *looking at oranges* “How many slices come in an orange?”

Me: “…”

Boyfriend: *waiting for my answer*

Me: “However many you slice them into, dear.”

Boyfriend: “Oh.” *blushes*

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All Relationships Have Their Complications

| PA, USA | Advice

(My sister just found out that two of her friends got into a relationship.)

Sister: “So you know how I texted [Guy Friend] to say congrats on the relationship with [Girl Friend]? He just texted me back and said ‘not really.’ So now I’m confused, because it’s on Facebook that they’re in a relationship.”

Me: “I think she could say she’s ‘in a relationship’ without him, but I think for her to say she’s ‘in a relationship with him’ he has to approve it.”

Sister: “Exactly.”

Me: “Maybe she blackmailed him into accepting her Facebook relationship? Brings a new meaning to ‘It’s complicated’…”

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Painting An Incriminating Picture

| IL, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My boyfriend is living with his parents to save up for grad school and I am visiting him and staying with them, as I live several hours away. This happens one night while I am sitting in bed on the computer and he is using his computer at his desk.)

Me: “So after the loud, kinky sex tomorrow—”

Boyfriend: “[My Name], my mom is upstairs.”

(His mother’s office is just across the hall from my boyfriend’s room and she always has her door open.)

Me: *mortified* “…we should watch Columbo and Bob Ross.”