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Magic: The Sneezing

| USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Popular

(My boyfriend and I have been together for six months, and while I have recently told him that I love him, he has asked me if I mind him waiting to say it back until it comes out spontaneously. On this particular night I am sick, and we are texting back and forth. I have said something silly, and he is teasing me for it.)

Me: “Stop it. I’m ill. You shouldn’t make fun of an ill person.”

Boyfriend: “But it’s so easy!”

Me: “Watch it or I’ll come over there and sneeze on everything you love!”

Boyfriend: “You wouldn’t!”

Me: “I’ll sneeze on your cat, your Legos, and your Magic cards!”

Boyfriend: “Not my Magic cards!” *pause* “You would need to sneeze on yourself as well.”

Me: “Huh?” *realizing what he has just said* “Ooooh…”

(And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how my dork of a boyfriend told me he loves me!)

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They’re Not So Pretty In Pink

| PA, USA | Fights/Breakups, Marriage & Partners, Popular

(I work at the information desk at my local library. We often get calls asking for phone numbers, word definitions, etc., along with the standard “Do you have [book]?” that you’d expect. When it comes to asking for a definition of a medical term, we are obligated to inform the patron that we can ONLY give definitions and any advice should be directed to a medical professional. Why people ask us these things, I never know, as we’re not a doctor’s office.)

Me: *answers phone* “[Library], Information Services. This is [My Name].”

Patron: “Uh, hi. I was wondering if you could tell me what ‘pink eye’ is.”

Me: “I can look up the definition for you, but am obligated to inform you that I am not a medical professional, and will only be reading what I see on-screen, and cannot interpret the definition. If you have any questions about treatment, diagnosis, or anything beyond a definition or symptoms, you are going to need to seek a medical professional.”

Patron: “That’s fine. Just tell me what it is.”

Me: *reads the definition from the CDC’s website to him*

Patron: “Uh-huh. And what are the symptoms?”

Me: *reads the symptom list*

Patron: “Uh-huh. Would you mind telling what you just told me to my wife?”

Me: “Uh, sure. But same for her, I can only read what I see on-screen.”

Patron: “HERE, DUMB-A**!”

Patron’s Wife: *in background* “I . DO. NOT. HAVE. F***ING. PINK. EYE!”

Me: *immediately thinks this will go horribly* “Uh, hello?”

Patron’s Wife: “Yeah, he said it sounds like what I have, but it can’t be that. What’s the definition so I can shut him up?”

Me: *re-reads the definition and symptom list for her*

Patron’s Wife: “Yeah, no. Definitely don’t have that. My eye is still brown. It didn’t turn pink. He’s a f***ing liar.” *hangs up the phone*

(Apparently, there are actually people who think “pink eye” turns your iris from brown/blue/green/etc. to pink! Aside from the slight worry that I was going to get screamed at over the phone, I found it hilarious!)

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Snow White: No Longer The Fairest Of Them All

| Devon, England, UK | Marriage & Partners

(I’m trying to explain my tendency to fall into “link sinks” to my husband. It also should be noted that I am notorious for having no filter.)

Me: “You know the feeling! Like when you look up something totally innocent on Wikipedia and next thing you know it’s four in the morning and you’re reading about necrophilia.”

Husband: “That has never happened to me.”

Me: “Oh. I’ve had that exact scenario happen.”

Husband: “Of course you have.”

Me: “I once read an erotic story that featured necrophilia. It was in a dirty book I bought at a library sale. It was a pretty gross story.”

Husband: *head in hands* “Of course you have.”

Me: “Don’t worry it was fictional!”

Husband: *exasperated sighing*

Me: “Actually we’ve both read a fictional story that technically features somnophilia!”

Husband: *looks up curiously*

Me: “Snow White!”

Husband: *stares at me* “Well, I can sort of see what you’re getting at. Please stop talking.”