Married To A Yes-Man

| Warrington, England, UK | Marriage & Partners

(Two of my coworkers married many years before I joined the company. They don’t both work in the same department, so one will often call by the other’s desk to talk rather than using the internal phone. One day, I overhear the following:)

Wife: “What do you want for dinner tonight…? Or, actually, I mean, ‘do you want to go out for dinner tonight or are you cooking?’”

Husband: “Yes.”

Wife: “’Yes’ is not an acceptable answer, dear.”

Husband: “Yes.”

Love Comes In All Shapes And Guises

| San Jose, CA, USA | Advice

(My best friend at work and I have been with our respective partners for years. Somehow we get on the topic of relationship milestones.)

Me: “Yeah, the first time [Boyfriend] told me he loved me was after we’d spent about six weeks together… He got super drunk on Halloween when we were hanging out with a friend, called another of our friends asking him to come over so he could ‘talk about his feelings,’ cried a lot, and rambled on for about five minutes about how he loved me and he knew I was it right away. And the next morning, he didn’t remember any of it.”

Friend: “Did the friend come?”

Me:Yes. So we all happily told him about how hilariously sloppy drunk he was the next day. We mutually agreed to not acknowledge he said it because it was way too early and weird. Though now it’s what, seven years later? So I guess it turned out okay.”

Friend: “Yeah… That might be almost as bad as the first time I told [Girlfriend] I loved her. It was in a letter.”

Me: “What’s wrong with that?”

Friend: “That I sent from jail.”

Me: *laughs* “I’m so proud of you.”

Friend: “I mean, she’d said it before! It just took me a long time to come around to saying it, but… I wasn’t home to say it to her in person.”

Me: “If it helps, the second time [Boyfriend] told me he loved me was also an accident. We were talking on the phone which we almost never do, and when he went to hang up his mouth went on autopilot and he said ‘Love you, Mom!'”

Friend: *cracks up* “Okay, now I think he wins.”

Hotel Californication

| USA | Fights/Breakups

(Our hotel has a strict rule about protecting our guests’ privacy. We do not give room numbers unless they say it’s ok. A young woman of about 21 comes in. She’s wearing ripped up old stained tank top with no underwear, and she’s pale, shaking, and thin. Another woman, her friend, looks more normal and stands behind her.)

Woman: “Hello, is [Name] here?”

Me: “He is.”

Woman: “Great, which room number is he?”

Me: “We are not allowed to give out his room number.”

Woman: “But I’m his girlfriend!”

Me: “Even if you were his mother I could not.”

(Round and round we go, with the woman piping, “But I’m his girlfriend!” every time as if that would magically get her his room number. Her friend behind her starts giggling, and then becomes bored and tries to pull her away.)

Friend: “C’mon, let’s just go. They can’t give his number. We’ll find another way.”

(The young woman continues insisting I give his room number, and I keep saying no. Finally, she looks at me with a complete psychotic look in her eye, and says:)

Woman: “He’s in there with another woman, isn’t he? Isn’t he?!”

(She made her hand into a claw and tried to attack me. Security and her friend helped pull her out, yelling incoherently. I never saw her again. I reported it to my manager and he told me later that he told the guest that his girlfriend has tried to see him. He said, “What girlfriend?” and told us that he’d broken up with someone earlier that day and thanked us for protecting his privacy!)

Not How To Spice Up Your Love Life

| WA, USA | Engaged

(My fiancée and I are stereotypical white people who can’t handle spice. We recently went to her favorite taco truck. It was my first time there.)

Fiancée: “I should warn you that the food is a little spicy.”

(My fiancée is worse than I am with spice, so I think nothing of it.)

Me: “Thanks for letting me know. What do they use?”

Fiancée: “They put lots of cilantro on the food.”

(I know that not everyone likes cilantro, but I never thought of it as spicy before! My tacos were delicious, by the way.)

Orphans Of The South Pole

| Cambridge, ON, Canada | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(The branches of a chain store are all closing in Canada, so my boyfriend and I are going to check out the sales. I ended up buying a Snorlax blanket.)

Boyfriend: “So you finally got your Snorlax blanket. And the last one, too.”

Me: “Yup, gotta catch ’em all.”

Boyfriend: “Wait… Does this mean that we’re going to have a closet filled only with Pokémon blankets?”

Me: “Maybe…”

Boyfriend: “But babe! Those blankets could go to freezing children in Africa!”

Me: *raises an eyebrow at him*

Boyfriend: “Wait… Uh, freezing children in… Antarctica!”

Me: “Nice save.”