A Jingle To Make You Single

| Melrose, MA, USA | Marriage & Partners, Theme Of The Month

(My wife and I love Christmas, but cannot stand most Christmas music. I’m telling her about my most recent trip to the supermarket.)

Me: “So I made it to December 19th before hearing the Chipmunks’ Christmas song.”

Wife: “Oh, god. I hate that song.”

Me: “I know!”

Wife: “I still haven’t lost the ‘Adolescent Male Percussionist’ competition.” (Our name for ‘The Little Drummer Boy.’)

Me: “Wow.”

Wife: “You’d better not play it for me now.”

Me: “I hadn’t even thought of it.”

Wife: “Yeah, right.

Me: “No, really. I value my life. And my balls.”

He’s Got Nowhere Else To Go

| OK, USA | Marriage & Partners, Theme Of The Month

(My wife calls me on a Friday to give a quick update on a few things.)

Wife: “Is there any way you can come home early?”

Me: “Depends on how early. It’s Friday before Christmas and there’s a lot going on.”

Wife: “Well, the ice storm is expected to start around 2 pm. I’d feel better if you come home early.”

Me: “The last I heard this morning it wasn’t supposed to start until tonight.”

Wife: “I just watched the weather and they have changed the forecast.”

(My office is a mix of hourly and salary folks. Management likes those of us on salary not to leave early when hourly folk can’t go. They especially don’t like us to leave before 3:30 pm, which is when the hourly folks who come in early can go.)

Me: “Well, you know how it is here. I’ve got an iron chain around my ankle.”

Wife: “So?”

Me: *exaggerating further* “And they have guards. And dogs. And guard towers with machine guns. You know how it is.”

Wife: “What about I come up, walk in there, and carry you out?”

Me: “Oh, like at the end of An Officer And A Gentlemen? I’m wearing a hat like she was wearing. That would be sweet. I could toss it up in the air and have my coworkers cheer me on as we leave together.”

Wife: “You do realize that you’re switching the gender roles on this? Right?”

Me: “You know I don’t care when it comes to romance with you. I look at it as a ‘win-win’ when I’m with you.”

Wife: “I’m not carrying you.”

Christmas Blows

| QC, Canada | Dating, Theme Of The Month

(My boyfriend and I are sitting on the couch watching telly, when I bring up the subject of Christmas presents.)

Me: “You know, I got your sisters and mum a gift, but I have no clue what to give you.”

Boyfriend: “Just give me a Christmas BJ. Not at my mum’s, when we’re back home!”

Me: “Oh, good. Here I thought I’d have to stand up mid-Christmas dinner going, ‘Stand back! It’s time for the Christmas beej! Get me the cranberry sauce and a bauble! This s*** needs to be festive!'”

Cooking Up A Storm At Home

| Gatineau, QC, Canada | Marriage & Partners, Theme Of The Month

(It’s December 24th, about an hour before closing time. It being a kitchen store, every conceivable surface in the place is covered in kitchen-related items. A vaguely panicked-looking guy power-walks into the store, scans the place, and comes straight to me.)

Guy: “Can you help me? I really need to find something for my wife!”

Me: “Absolutely sir. Does your wife like to cook?”

Guy: “Not really.”

Me: “…”


Pregnancy Number Two

| England, UK | Dating, Theme Of The Month

(It’s late Christmas evening. Our daughter is tucked up in bed and we stay up to feast on all the leftover treats.)

Girlfriend: “Ugh, I’ve eaten so much I feel pregnant again!”

Me: “Well, I’m not going to that birth.”

Girlfriend: *whilst hitting me with a pillow* “Dirty bugger.”