Dying For A Romantic Gesture

| Brisbane, QLD, Australia | Dating

(I am in the car with my boyfriend when a song comes on the radio…)

Me: “Would you catch a grenade for me?”

Boyfriend: “I would if the pin hadn’t been pulled.”

Me: “Well, would you stand in front of a train for me?”

Boyfriend: “If it were stationary.”

(And he’s normally the romantic one!)

Gone Taco Whacko

| USA | Marriage & Partners

(My husband and I are trying for a baby when I take a pregnancy test. Lo and behold, I am pregnant. He frequently interrupts me only because he thinks it’s funny and when he thinks that I’m not saying anything too important.)

Me: “Honey bunny, I have some news!”

Husband: *excited* “We’re making tacos for dinner?!”

Me: “What? No, I—”

Husband: “So we’re not doing tacos for dinner?”

Me: “I don’t care. We can do that if you want. I wanted to—”

Husband: “Okay good because I want a taco.”

Me: “WOULD YOU GET OFF THE TACOS FOR A SECOND?!”

Husband: “Okay, sorry. I’m just hungry.”

Me: “I just took a pregnancy test and I’m pregnant!”

Husband: *silent for a minute* “Is it mine?”

Me: “Of course it’s yours. We’ve been trying, jacka**!”

Husband: *pumping a fist* “AWESOME! Let’s have a celebratory taco for the baby growing in YOUR taco!”

Me: “…”

My Pet Hate

| USA | Dating

(My girlfriend and I have just moved in together. We each have our own pets and I’m more of a ‘let them do whatever’ person while she is not.)

Girlfriend: “I hate that your pets are teaching mine bad habits.”

Me: “What is that supposed to mean?”

Girlfriend: “Normally mine just lay on the floor and take the love I give them. Your animals crawl into my damned lap and demand it from me. Now that mine have seen it they’re starting to climb on the furniture.”

Me: “I see nothing wrong with that.”

Girlfriend: “You have a 180 lb beast that is under the impression he is a lap dog and a 20 lb cat that thinks the bed belongs to him.”

Me: “Yeah, well your dog snores!”

Do You Wanna Build A Dough-Man?

| UK | Dating

(My boyfriend has a habit of sleep-talking when he has been overtired from working. This was the first time I heard him doing it not long after we moved in together.)

Boyfriend: *sits up in bed* “Guess what?”

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: “I just got the best idea.”

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: “Let’s make a man. Let’s make a man out of dough!”

Me: “What are you talking about?”

Boyfriend: “I knew you wouldn’t understand. You’re so uncreative.”

(And with that he lay back down and started snoring! He still doesn’t believe that he talks in his sleep!)

The Tragic Cut Down Of Cutlery

| Home | Williamsport, PA, USA | Engaged

(It’s national novel writing month, and I’m participating. This means that my already bizarre imagination is working overtime. It should also be noted that I keep plastic spoons by my bedside to snack on low fat peanut butter from time to time.)

Me: *taking the last spoon out of the box* “This is my last spoon.”

Fiancée: “I’ll get you more tomorrow when I go shopping.”

Me: “You don’t understand. This reminds me of my uncle. He was a spoon, too… but he was killed during the last Great Utensil War.”

Fiancée: “The what?!”

Me: “He was… He was…” *sniff* …standing guard, when he was ambushed by a group of butter knives hiding in a salad. Their reflective surfaces helped them to blend in with their surroundings.”

Fiancée: “I’m going back to playing my video game.”

Me: “Uncle Spoony never stood a chance.”

Fiancée: “You need help.”

Me: “They forked him up pretty bad.”

Fiancée: “It’s a good thing I love you, or one of us would be packing right now, and I don’t think it would be me.”