Sticky Fingers

| USA | Dating

(My girlfriend has an… addiction to pudding. So when she asks me to grab her one, I oblige, but am intrigued by the pudding’s ability to not break when I touch it. So I touch it. A lot. Before bringing it to her. This is what follows after I hand it to her.)

Girlfriend: “Why are there fingerprints on my pudding? I’m going to take this to the lab for testing.”

Me: “I touched it. It was me.”

Girlfriend: “Well, now I have proof!”

Me: “So you’re saying… THE PROOF IS IN THE PUDDING?”

Drugs + Booze = Telepathy

| Leeds, England, UK | Dating, Theme Of The Month

(When I come to visit my boyfriend I get violent headaches. It is mostly just due to climate change, as I’m from Texas and he’s from England.)

Me: “God!”

(I’ve had a pretty bad headache all day, but at this point I’m buckled over on the couch, fingers on my temples.)

Boyfriend: “Headache?”

Me: “Yeah. God, it’s really getting to me this time!”

Boyfriend: “Want a bit of Ibuprofen?”

Me: “Please!”

Boyfriend: “Three?”

Me: “You think I’ll need that many?”

Boyfriend: *scoffs* “Most definitely.”

(He leaves to the kitchen soon returning with three of the little Ibuprofen tablets and dropping them in my hand. I go ahead and swallow them before he returns to the kitchen.)

Me: “Hey…”

Boyfriend: “What is it?”

(I dramatically turn my head towards the kitchen and smile.)

Boyfriend: “Liquor?”

(He scoffs before grabbing a bottle off the shelf.)

Me: “Oh, my god! How’d you know?!”

Boyfriend: “Lucky guess.”

Lucky If He Has A Bush Garden Snake

| OH, USA | Dating

(My boyfriend and I are lying in bed, ready to go to sleep.)

Me: “Goodnight.”

Boyfriend: “Goodnight. Don’t let the underwear fairy bite.”

Me: “What does that mean?”

Boyfriend: “The underwear fairy will come and steal your underwear right off your butt while you’re sleeping!”

Me: “What about your underwear?”

Boyfriend: “Oh, they won’t mess with mine.”

Me: “Why not?”

Boyfriend: “Because they’ll think there’s an anaconda living in there.”

Me: *facepalm*

Do You Wanna Build A Snow Dwarf?

| Chicago, IL, USA | Marriage & Partners

Him: “Your phone is going off.”

Me: *listening* “I don’t hear anything.”

(I check the desk, then my purse. No phone.)

Him: “It’s going off. It’s playing dwarven music!”

(I’m still not hearing anything, and I certainly don’t have dwarven music on my phone! So with increasing confusion, I search for my phone, finally finding it in my coat pocket – playing the opening song to the movie ‘Frozen.’ I cock an eyebrow at him.)

Him: “I heard pickaxes! I assumed it was dwarves!”

Time To Sleep Sleep On The Bed Bed

| Australia | Dating

(My boyfriend often talks in his sleep, and never remembers it. Sometimes, he seems completely awake when it happens. At this point in the story, I’m just climbing into bed after feeding our newborn son at two am.)

Boyfriend: *stares directly at me with eyes wide open* “…unless you bed bed.”

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: “Unless you do the bed bed bed bed!”

Me: “…are you awake, sweetie?”

Boyfriend: *looks around the room, as if scrutinizing things* “…I seem to be.”

Me: “Okay, because that didn’t make any sense.”

Boyfriend: *snooooooooooorrree*

Me: “Really?”