Sickly Sweet

| Clemson, SC, USA | Dating

(I have been feeling sick for the last couple of days, and I am texting my boyfriend about it.)

Me: “I always get sick. Make it go away.”

Boyfriend: “I can’t directly talk to your antibodies and immune system as a whole, but I can be a constant supply of soup, cuddles, cheek/forehead kisses, and movie/TV partner.”

Me: “As long as you don’t try to spoon-feed me soup.”

Boyfriend: “Okay. Yeah, that’s kinda undermining you as a person there.”

Beats The Socks Off Other Romantic Gestures

| Montreal, QC, Canada | Dating

(My boyfriend of a few weeks and I are cuddling on my couch after watching a movie. He pulls me towards him and since my socks were loose, they come right off.)

Me: *laughing* “You literally just pulled me out of my socks!”

Boyfriend: “Yup, I’m just that amazing.”

Me: “Some girls get swept off their feet… Not me. Nope. I get pulled out of my socks!”

Not A Happy Taste

| UT, USA | Marriage & Partners

(My husband and I are both browsing Facebook on our phones, and sharing the ‘inspirational’ quotes that we find amusing.)

Husband: *reading* “You can’t make everyone happy; you are not a jar of Nutella.”

Me: “I could be a jar of Nutella!”

Husband: *laughing* “No, honey.”

Me: “Yeah, you’re right. I would be a gross jar of Nutella. I’d taste like human!”

Distracted My A**

| Newport, RI, USA | Dating

(My boyfriend and I are shopping. He is telling me a fairly long, in-depth story when he suddenly stops talking, puts his hand in my back pocket, and silently stands there for a moment.)

Boyfriend: “Sorry, I got distracted.”

Counting Anything But Sheep

| Avon, NY, USA | Marriage & Partners

(My husband stayed up late the night before last so he tells me to not let him stay up late tonight. Still later than usual, I declare it’s bedtime and we turn the light off.)

Husband: *after no more than 5 seconds* “I can’t sleep.”

Me: “You’re not even trying.”

Husband: “I’m restless.”

Me: “You just lied down. Give it a minute.”

Husband: “…but I can’t sleep.”

Me: “You need to wait.”

Husband: “I’m stuck in that place where I am really tired but totally wired. Have you ever felt that?”

Me: “Yes. I just made myself go to sleep. It works. Just wait.”

Husband: “But I don’t want to sleep.”

Me: “Want me to rub your back?”

(I do this only as a last resort when I know he won’t be able to sleep, because so far it has always worked within 2 minutes to relax him enough to go to sleep.)

Husband: *happily* “Sure!”

(I start to rub his back. He kicks off all of the blankets.)

Husband: “Mind if I crack open the window?”

(I am usually cold at night, but want him to sleep. I agree. After he returns to bed…)

Husband: “Mind if I turn on the fan?”

Me: *sigh* “Sure.”

Husband: “What?”

Me: “You’re undoing all of my work rubbing your back. If you aren’t settled in 30 seconds, I’m rolling over and going to bed.”

Husband: *snickers* “Okay.”

(All seems well until…)

Husband: “I have a question for you.”

Me: “What?”

Husband: “How many horses are there?”

Me: “Like… in the world?”

Husband: “Yeah. Like, kinds of horses.”

Me: “Um…400?”

Husband: “Are you making that up?”

Me: “I’m guessing. Actually it’s probably closer to 300.”

Husband: “How many different kinds of goats are there?”

Me: *sigh* “I don’t know. 200.”

Husband: “Are you making that up?”

Me: “Yes. I am guessing.”

Husband: “How many different kinds of cats are there?”

Me: “Like, household breeds?”

Husband: “Yes.”

Me: “400.”

Husband: “Are you making that up?”

Me: “Does it matter?”

Husband: “How many kind of ticks are there?”

Me: *groans* “Is there more than one kind? No, you won’t let me go to bed until I answer you. 10.”

Husband: “You’re making that up.”

Me: “Yes. Now go to bed.”

Husband: “But I’m not tired.”

Me: “You’re still talking. Now be quiet and roll over.”

Husband: *indignant* “I am not. You’re talking. I don’t know why you won’t just let me go to sleep.”

(He is very ticklish, so I assault him with tickles.)

Husband: “Okay, okay! I’m done.” *rolls over* “Don’t know why you wouldn’t just let me go to sleep.”

Me: *sighs* “You were harassing me.”

Husband: “I was not. I was asking you legitimate questions.”

Me: “About the number of tick breeds in the world.”

Husband: “But I wanted to know!”

Me: “Why would I know that?!”

Husband: *giggling*

Me: “Go to sleep.”

Husband: “But I’m not—”

(I assault him with tickles again.)

Husband: *laughing hysterically* “Okay, I’m sorry! I’ll stop!”

Me: *imitating him earlier* “Why don’t you just go to sleep, baby? Why are you harassing me? Why can’t you just go to bed?”

Husband: *almost crying from laughing* “Okay, okay, okay! I’m sorry! Stop! Please stop!”

(I do.)

Me: *with considerable venom* “Roll over.”

Husband: *rolls over*

(All is quiet for about thirty seconds.)

Husband: “Just couldn’t let me go to sleep.”

(I move stealthily to his side of the bed and get right next to his ear, whispering with the most malice I can summon.)

Me: “If you do not go to sleep right now, I will tickle the s*** out of you and will not stop no matter how many times you ask me to.”

Husband: “I’m totally ready to go to bed. Good night, dear!”

(He wasn’t. It took another 20 minutes of alternating harassment and tickles. We were both quite tired in the morning.)