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Glassy Classy

| Saanich, BC, Canada | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My girlfriend and I have gone to a neighbour’s place for pizza and beer. He told me there were steins in the cupboard, but I only find two, so I grab a wine glass.)

Friend: “Oh, are there only two.”

Me: “Yeah, but that’s okay. [Girlfriend] can have the wine glass and be all classy tonight.”

Girlfriend: “‘Tonight’? Am I not classy every night?”

Me: “I’m… gonna just stop talking now.”

Friend: “Probably a good idea, before you put your OTHER foot in your mouth!”

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Very Coinci-dense

| Kitchener, ON, Canada | Marriage & Partners

Coworker: “Yo, I have the biggest coincidence in the world!”

Me: “Oh, yeah? What’s that?”

Coworker: “Okay, listen… My parents got married on the same day, at the same time, in the same place, and in front of the same people! How much of a coincidence is that?!”

Me: “Uh… they married each other, right?”

Coworker: “Yeah! Weird, right? Isn’t that like the biggest coincidence?”

Me: “You’re a special panda…”

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Can Also Upgrade To A Divorce

| NC, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My boyfriend and I have a couple of friends over for dinner, and he is pouring water out of our Brita pitcher for our guests.)

Boyfriend: “You know, I have the most amazing tool that always keeps my Brita filled. It’s the most amazing thing! Ever since I got one, I haven’t had to fill this thing once!”

Me: “Is that tool called… a ‘girlfriend’?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah!” *still speaking to our friends* “I heard there’s an upgrade that cleans out the cat box, too.”

Me: “Yeah, a wife.”

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Breaking Down Dawn

| Riverdale, MD, USA | Marriage & Partners

(We’re talking about how much we owe on our car and the fact that Husband just got paid.)

Husband: “So we can’t send in $1,000 to pay more on the car?”

Me: “Not if we want to pay off the other bills.”

Husband: “Stupid other bills, making it so I can’t pay off the car and buy you one. Making me wake up at ‘the butt-crack of dawn’ to drive you to work.”

Me: “Even if we had another car, you’d still have to get up at ‘the lower-back of dawn.’”

Husband: “Don’t you mean ‘the tramp-stamp of dawn’?”

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Trying To Offer Some Asian Persuasion

| CA, USA | Advice, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, LGBTQ

(I am out at a gay bar with my boyfriend and his best friend. All of us are white gay males, but live in a part of the country that’s quite ethnically diverse. We’re waiting for one of my exes to arrive, whom I am still on good terms with. My boyfriend’s friend has his Grindr app open, looking around the bar. I catch a glimpse of it.)

Me: “What the h***?!”

Friend: “What?”

Me: “Your profile! It says “No Asians””

Friend: “Yeah, I’m not into Asians.”

Me: “That’s very racist!”

Friend: “How? I just don’t find them attractive.”

Me: “Every single Asian?”

Friend: “Well, not really.”

Me: “So you’ve met every Asian from all over the world, have you?”

Friend: “Of course not, but—”

Me: “Then how can you know there is not a single Asian you find attractive?”

(My boyfriend has heard my voice rising throughout the conversation.)

Boyfriend: “It’s okay, [My Name]. [Friend] isn’t racist.”

Me: “If you make a decision or judgment about someone based solely and entirely on their race, is that a racist decision?”

Boyfriend: “I think what [Friend] means is—”

Me: “Yes or no. Is it a racist decision?”

Boyfriend: “Well… yes. But—”

Me: “There we go, then.”

Friend: “What’s the big deal? I just don’t find Asian guys sexually attractive. It’s a preference, not racism.”

Me: “Okay, then, why is that?”

Friend: “What is what?”

Me: “What is it about Asians that you don’t find desirable?”

Friend: “I don’t know… I just don’t.”

Me: “What about black guys?”

Friend: “Uh…”

Me: “So it’s just white guys you’re into, then?”

Friend: “I guess so. But I’m not racist! I have black friends!”

Me: “And you label them your ‘Black Friends’ do you?”

Boyfriend: “[My Name], chill out!”

Me: “I will not. I am not saying you’re Trump or anything, but you’re perpetuating the ideology that one race is superior to another, in this case, out of sexual prowess. White man is sexy and strong; Asian man is unattractive and weak. I’m telling you this because I want you to look inside and ask yourself why is it you feel this way? Also, I am saving you.”

Friend: “Saving me?! From what?”

Me: “From him.”

(We all turn to see my ex has arrived. A 6 foot, Korean-American body-builder with an amazingly handsome face, at least in my opinion. He comes on over and says hello.)

Ex: “Sorry I’m late. So… what we talking about?”

(I look pointedly at my boyfriend’s friend.)

Friend: “Oh… nothing… uh… So, who wants a round of drinks?”