And I Am The Egg-Man

| NC, USA | Engaged

(My fiancé and I are drinking on a Friday night. He puts a pair of chopsticks in his mouth.)

Me: *takes the chopsticks from his mouth* “You’re drunk and that is a bad idea.”

Fiancé: *heartbroken* “But… I’m a walrus…”

Remote Hair Braiding

| NY, USA | Marriage & Partners

(I am male, and I have long box braids that reach to my mid-back. My wife likes to play with them. One night, we are watching TV; I am sitting on the floor in front of the couch while my wife is sitting on the couch, and for some reason she has decided to start tying random things into my hair, including but not limited to 3 pencils, a (clean) fork, and her car keys. I don’t mind until I go to reach for the TV remote and it’s not there.)

Me: “Babe, where’s the remote?”

Wife: *starts giggling*

Me: “What?”

(I turn to look at her and feel something abnormally heavy hanging off my head. I reach around and feel the remote, tied up in several of my braids.)

Me: “…really?”

Wife: *is now laughing so hard she’s not even making noise*

Me: “Do you do this when you hang out with your girls?”

Wife: *shakes her head, still unable to speak*

Me: “I’d be mad if you weren’t so cute.”

(She immediately snorted and almost fell off the couch laughing. I had to get the remote out of my hair myself.)

Telling You To Your Face

| NY, USA | Marriage & Partners

(My wife and I are getting ready to go out to a formal party. We’re sitting next to each other on the bed, me putting on my socks and shoes, her trying to pull on a pair of stockings. They seem to be a bit small, and she’s pulling pretty hard.)

Me: “Maybe those are too small.”

Wife: “No, they’re fine.”

(I shrug and go back to tying my shoelaces. A second later, there’s a ripping noise, my wife loses her grip on the stockings, and she accidentally smacks me in the face.)

Wife: “Okay… maybe you’re right.”

Housework Itself Out

| Australia | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

Brother’s Girlfriend: “You know, you could help me with this housework.”

Brother: “But we’d be missing an important opportunity.”

Brother’s Girlfriend: “An opportunity for what?”

Brother: “To live in squalor.”

You’re An April Tool

| VA, USA | April Fool's Day, Dating

(It is April Fools Day. A girl I know walks up to me at the park.)

Girl: “Hey, [My Name].”

Me: “Hey.”

Girl: “Wanna go on a date?”

Me: *cautiously* “Sure.”

Girl: “APRIL FOOLS!”

Me: “Oh, good. If I’d said it, that would’ve made ME look like the a**-hole.”