Selfishness In Bloom

| Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Advice

(When my then-boyfriend, now-husband were dating, he sent me a beautiful bouquet of roses for our first Valentine’s Day. They were delivered to my office, and this happened.)

Coworker: “Nice flowers.”

Me: “Thanks!”

Coworker: “You know… [Other Coworker] didn’t get any flowers for Valentine’s Day. She hinted and hinted, but her husband didn’t send her any.”

Me: “Oh. That’s too bad.”

Coworker: “So…” *gives me expectant look*

Me: “Yes…?”

Coworker: “So, you should give her some of yours.”

Me: “What? I’m not going to do that.”

Coworker: “Why not? You’ve got so many! You won’t miss them, and they’ll make her happy.”

Me: “Because they’re MY flowers. If you want her to have some, buy her some yourself.”

Coworker: “I can’t believe you’re being so selfish!”

Your Intelligence Is In The Pits

| Atlanta, GA, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My boyfriend and I are curled up in bed, and the dog jumps up on the bed with us.)

Boyfriend: “[Dog] is licking himself again. He’ll be trying to lick us in a minute.”

(Seconds later.)

Me: *squeal* “He just licked me in the armpit!”

Boyfriend: “Who?”

Me: “…Really?”

flirting

A New Way To Face Your Crush

| Philadelphia, PA, USA | Crush

(I am sitting with my friends at lunch, as well as with my sister and her friends. Right next to me is my crush. The fact that I have a crush is well-known, as well as that they aren’t interested. Also, because we don’t have enough chairs to seat everyone, some people are sharing chairs, and people have been stealing each others’ chairs. My crush gets up to get more food.)

Crush: “Okay, if anyone else is sitting in my chair when I get back, I’m just going to sit on you.”

(They leave, the second they are out of sight, I, my sister, and my friend all leap for their chair. My sister gets there first, so I just sit on her. She then pushes me back into my own chair, so I put my head in her lap, on my crush’s chair.)

Sister: “If you do that, [Crush] is going to sit on your face!”

Me: “…”

Sister: *quietly* “Actually, you’d probably like that, wouldn’t you?”

Zit It!

| San Jose, CA, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(As some but not all other couples do and despite technically knowing better, my boyfriend and I sometimes take pleasure in popping each other’s zits. He is five years younger than me, and currently has a very large, ripe zit on his lip. When he came home from work, the first thing he told me was ‘I’m saving it for me! It’s not for you!’ We’re now getting settled in for bed.)

Me: “You should pop that. What if you let it go too far and it’s not as satisfying?”

Boyfriend: “Oh, it will be satisfying.”

Me: “But what if it overshoots? I’m just trying to look out for your best interests. You should enjoy that. It’s so promising.”

Boyfriend: “It’s looking at you, isn’t it?”

Me: “I’M JUST TRYING TO HELP. I’M OLD. AND WISE. I TEACH COLLEGE.”

Boyfriend: *laughs*

Me: “POP THAT SUCKER!”

Don’t Cheese Him Off

| Sacramento, CA, USA | Marriage & Partners

(I’m at the stove preparing breakfast, and my husband is hanging out by the refrigerator, watching me cook.)

Me: “Hey, [Husband], do we have any cheese in the fridge?”

Husband: “No. Just a half a block of cheddar.”

Me: “…”

Me: “[Husband]. When I ask you if there’s cheese in the fridge, and there IS cheese in the fridge, I believe the correct response is ‘yes, we have cheese’!”

Husband: “WELL, I THOUGHT YOU MEANT SOMETHING ELSE!”