Should Have Gone To Bethlehem

| Jerusalem, Israel | Marriage & Partners

(I’m walking around the Christian area of the old city looking for something to buy for my mom who lives in America. My in-laws and friends are super loud and always cause a scene. They found a friend that wants to meet me and my daughter and spot me wondering around a church.)

Family And Friends: *running at us screeching my daughter’s name and a bunch of Hebrew slang for cute*

Me: *with a forced smile* “Oh, sweet baby Jesus! Brace yourself.”

Husband: “You’re the wrong religion. You don’t get his help.”

(And I didn’t. I never do when I go back.)


Blood Is Fatter Than Water

| CA, USA | Golden Years

(We’re all sitting down and my cousin and I are talking about blood type. I ask my dad, who is more on the heavy side, what blood type I am and this is how the conversation goes.)

Me: “What blood type am I?”

Dad: “O.”

Me: “How do you know? What blood type are you?”

Dad: “B.”

Me: “Really?”

Dad: “C.”

Me: “There is no C.”

Dad: “Oh, then BC.”

Mom: *out of nowhere* “Yeah, he’s obesity.”

Dad: “I love you, too.”

(We’re still seated at the buffet while I’m typing this…)


Uh… What Was The Job Again?

| Waterloo, ON, Canada | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(I was recently offered an opportunity to work as an independent beauty consultant for an expensive makeup company, but after doing research on their product, company, and customer reviews, I decide that it’s not a product I’m willing to support. I’m telling my boyfriend about it after turning down the offer.)

Me: “They make the job sound like an amazing opportunity when they meet with you, and they lay on the flattery REAL thick.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, that’s how they get you to sign on with them.”

Me: “Exactly! Besides, a lot of their products are way too expensive. I did a demo with one of the other consultants, and I’ll admit that the stuff from the soft hands set felt REALLY nice, but I couldn’t afford that! I mean, come on! $150 just for hand stuff?”

(I paused, realizing how that came out, while my boyfriend burst out laughing.)


Didn’t Hear That Through The Grapevine

| Melbourne, NSW, Australia | Marriage & Partners

(Ever since I was little, I’ve had an unquenchable thirst for knowledge. I was an early reader, too, and I’d started to read short novels by the age of 5 or so. I learn a lot of things from books, but sometimes I learn about subjects without a proper frame of reference to understand them, such as one time where I’d learned enough from reading to know that there was such a thing as ‘white’ wine, and ‘red’ wine, and that white wine ought to be paired with seafood and red wine with beef and such. Curious, I ask my dad:)

Me: “Daddy, what’s the difference between white wine and red wine?”

Dad: *thinking I was referring to the ingredients and not the obvious colour difference* “Well, white wine comes from green grapes, and red wine comes from red grapes”.

(Now, God knows why, my stupid child brain never realised that red wine was obviously also distinguishable from white wine because red wine was, well, red, and white wine was white. I grew up thinking that the ‘red’ and ‘white’ were sort of verbal colour codes identifying the origin of the wines, not the colour. I also rarely drink and don’t like wine, so I never really thought about it. Fast forward 17 years later. I’m married, and trying to make dinner from a recipe that asks for red wine.)

Me: *to husband* “Honey, have we got any red wine?”

Husband: “We should have some…” *grabs bottle* “Here, use this.” *begins pouring it*

Me: “But… are you sure it’s red? It needs to be red wine.” *takes the bottle and tries to look on the label to see if it says it’s made from red grapes*

Husband: “Yes… it’s red…” *eyeing me with some confusion*

Me: *still trying to read the label* “But how can you tell?”

Husband: *slowly pointing to the cup of wine he’d just poured* “It’s… red?”

(I stare at the cup, and then my jaw drops as a series of expressions must have flickered across my face in the space of three seconds – shock, understanding, embarrassment – and my husband bursts out laughing.)

Husband: “OH, MY GOD, don’t tell me…”

Me: *completely red-faced* “Shut up…”

(Yes, at the age of 22, with one of the few things I’m proud of is my nerdy general knowledge, I didn’t know that red wine was red. My husband calls me his little encyclopaedia with some missing pages.)


What The Peck Are You Talking About?

| Portland, OR, USA | Marriage & Partners

(I recently learned the smiley for penis and was waiting for an opportunity to show off. My husband was taking our car to the shop before heading to work and sent me a message in the group chat with his mom.)

Husband: “Made it to work.”

Me: “I love you.”

Mother-In-Law: “A bushel and a peck, though I am not sure what ‘peck’ means.”

Me: *not aware who I am talking to or that it is a group chat* “8===D derived from the word ‘pecker.’”

Husband: “I am fairly certain that’s not the way they meant this phrase.”

Me: “But it should suffice.”

Mother-In-Law: “I am sure that it is not what it means but I love that [My Name] is so confident to write it here.”

(At this point, Husband sends me a separate message informing that I sent a message in a group chat.)