A Thorny Issue Of The Dead

| Salt Lake, UT, USA | Advice

(A man that a coworker and I know passes away unexpectedly. My coworker and I decide we’ll drive to the funeral, a couple of states away, to pay our respects, and then go to the office our company has in that state. We both want to see ‘Ms. B,’ a wonderful coworker who used to have a serious thing for my coworker.)

Me: “Okay, before we go see [Ms. B], we need to stop and get roses.”

Coworker: “We do?”

Me: “We do. [Ms. B] loves roses.”

Coworker: “I know.”

Me: “[Coworker], this is why you’re a bachelor.”

Coworker: “This is one of the many reasons I’m bachelor.”

(Upon presenting the roses to Ms. B, my coworker decided to joke and say he’d taken them from the funeral. Ms. B hit him before I could.)

Can’t Stop The Feeling Of Divorce

| Ottawa, ON, Canada | Divorce, Marriage & Partners

Me: “By the way, I downloaded Trolls soundtrack, in case you want to put it on your phone.”

Husband: “I want a divorce.”

This Whole Thing Was A Mistake

| London, England, UK | Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Punny

(I’ve been bitten by something a lot lately, so I look up what draws mosquitoes in.)

Me: “So apparently mozzies are twice as likely to bite a Type O than a Type A.”

Boyfriend: “So they like mistakes?”

Me: “Huh?”

Boyfriend: “Type O. Typo.”

Me: “Really? That’s just terrible…”

We Know Who Is The Boss In This Relationship

| NC, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(I’m hanging out with my boyfriend’s family, playing a game on his PS4 while his little nephew tries to pester me. Usually, I only play on my computer or phone. I manage to get to a big boss fight.)

Boyfriend: *picking up his nephew* “Now this one’s really tough, so give ’em all you’ve got.”

(The boss turns out to be bigger and faster than my character, so I have to dart around and look for openings to attack. Finally, I squeak through with just a sliver of health left, having made it in one attempt.)

Boyfriend: “I hate you.”

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: “It took me SIX HOURS to win that fight! How did you just…”

Me: “I’m playing it on easy!”

Boyfriend: *leans in and whispers* “So was I.”

I Am The Alpha And The Omega Of Inappropriateness

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Engaged

Fiancée: “I hate that my professors don’t know their Greek letters. My aerospace engineering prof mixing up zeta and xi, and he keeps calling omega ‘W.’”

Me: “You mentioned he’s bad at explaining what he’s talking about. Could it be he’s discussing something else that’s actually ‘W?’”

Fiancée: “Nah, it’s the angular momentum formula, and angular momentum is always omega.”

Me: “Maybe he’s talking about wangular momentum?”

Fiancée: “Heh. That sounds kind of dirty, though.”

Me: “Oh, god, it does. ‘Today we’ll be studying helicopters!’”

(“Helicopter” is a euphemism for a guy swinging certain body parts in a circle.)