Chew Shoe Toy

| Scotland, UK | Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Pets & Animals

Me: “Can we get a dog, please, please, please?!”

Boyfriend: “No, it’ll chew all our shoes!”

Me: “We have a shoe cupboard!”

Boyfriend: “You can’t keep a dog in a shoe cupboard!”

They’re Sinny Side Up

| USA | Marriage & Partners

(I am notorious for mixing up phrases. I will say “If you twist my arm” when I mean “If you pull my leg” and vice versa, but this one tops them all. My husband and I were out driving and had to change lanes to get off the highway. As we are approaching the exit a car appears out of nowhere and we almost hit him.)

Husband: “Man, that guy was flying down the road!”

Me: “Yeah, he came up like a chicken out of Hades!”

Husband: “What…? Did you mean, ‘bat out of Hell’?”

Me: *sheepishly* “Yeah…”

(After a few minutes of us both laughing, my husband asks:)

Husband: “What kind of eggs do those lay?”

Me: “Deviled eggs?”

Cradle To The Grave

| Canada | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(Being a non-native speaker of English, I confuse my words quite often, especially when I’m hungry. This was one of the best examples of this phenomena. I am just coming out from the ladies’.)

Boyfriend: “Hey.” *points at the guy who is down the hall by now* “I just ran into another guy I was in the Physics department with. I’ve been running into old acquaintances all over the place today.”

Me: “Cool.” *starts teasing* “It’s because you have a lot of past now.”

Boyfriend: “…probably.”

Me: “Yeah. Twenty one years of past. About to be twenty two.”

Boyfriend: “Twenty one? Since when?”

Me: “Since birth. Twenty one years of being alive.”

Boyfriend: “I’m not twenty one.”

Me: “Yes, you are. You haven’t had your birthday ye— THIRTY ONE! Thirty one was what I meant. It was thirty one in my head!”

Boyfriend: *starts laughing* “That’s what I thought. Getting back ten years of my life. That sounds nice. Give me my ten years back, [My Name]. I want to be twenty one again.”

Me: “No!”

Boyfriend: “Why not?”

Me: “I don’t want to be forty! You can’t have my ten years!”

Boyfriend: “I didn’t mean I’d take them from you personally.”

Me: “Oh. Still no.”

Boyfriend: “Why not? You don’t want a young, hot, twenty-year-old boyfriend?”

Me: “Ew, no.”

Boyfriend: “Why not? Some twenty-year-olds can be pretty mature.”

Me: “I don’t want to feel like a grave robber— CRADLE ROBBER! Grave robber is something completely different!”

Boyfriend: *laughs harder* “That’d be dating a really old guy.”

Me: *laughing* “That’d be dating a cradle robber.”

Carefully Worded

| Dubai, UAE | Marriage & Partners

(My husband has just called his parents to tell them that we are expecting our first baby. He texts me afterwards.)

Husband: “I just told my parents you’re pregnant.”

Me: “And? What did they say?”

Husband: “They said congratulations and that you should take care of yourself.”

Me: *jokingly* “Sure they said I should take care of myself and not you should take care of me?”

Husband: “Yeah, they don’t have much faith in me…”

Me: *laughing uncontrollably*

Snailed It

| MA, USA | Engaged

(My fiancé and I are cuddling in bed and he’s holding onto me very tightly.)

Me: “Aw, you’re really hanging on there! You’re like a limpet! Wait… that sounded better in my head. I’ll think of a different animal to call you. What’s cuter than a limpet?”

Fiancé: “Just about anything.”