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You Drew The Short Straw

| LA, USA | Marriage & Partners

(I first met my now-husband online in 1998, then in person in 2004. We went out with some other friends to eat at a restaurant known for their ice cream and he was over-excited for the color changing straw in his milkshake. Shortly before our second anniversary we are hanging out at home watching movies. I’m shirtless and he’s trying to “clap” my breasts with little success, so I decide to indulge him and do it myself.)

Husband: “I’m the luckiest boy in America!”

Me: “Wait. Boobs make you the luckiest boy in America, but a color changing STRAW makes you the luckiest boy in the WORLD?”

Husband: “Hey, I can see these boobs every DAY. But that straw was like a DREAM! It was there—“ *flutters his hand dramatically* “–and then it was gone!”

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His Number One Belief

| Bainbridge Island, WA, USA | Marriage & Partners, Popular

(This area is an interesting melting pot of religious and political stances with a generally liberal leaning, all rolled up in a lot of money surrounded by very little. As a result one will occasionally overhear gems like this in public places, in this case a grocery store.)

Husband: *very well dressed middle aged man sounding very angry and looking around like he’s waiting to be attacked* “I’m just not comfortable with all these un-Christian beliefs kids have these days!”

Wife: *even more nicely dressed middle aged woman not even looking up from the two boxes of expensive crackers she’s comparing seeming both deeply nonplussed by her husband’s behavior and very done with him entirely* “Dear, you believe the government watches you pee when you use public restrooms. I don’t think you get to comment on anyone’s beliefs.”

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When Your Brain Is In A Vegetable State

| San Jose, CA, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Popular

(I have had a major case of Monday brain all day. My boyfriend and I are both home from work and I’m roasting a batch of carrots in the oven. We’re getting settled in our room to surf the Internet when he asks me:)

Boyfriend: “Did you set a timer?”

Me: “I did! My phone will make noises when I need to go… harass the carrots.”

Boyfriend: “What?”

Me: “Yeah, that wasn’t really the right word. It just came out.”

Boyfriend: “Harass the carrots.”

Me: “Yeah, sure. You know, poke them a little. Let them know who’s boss.”

Boyfriend: *laughs* “You’re a keeper.”