(I have recently bought a Hogwarts logo tee from a clothing retailer; stupidly, I only tried it on when I got home, and found that it was an inch shorter in the torso than I usually like to wear. It’s later the same day, and my boyfriend marches into the kitchen wearing it. Note that he’s about an inch shorter than me and somewhat skinnier, though we have the same body-frame.)
Me: “How does this look better on you than me?!”
Boyfriend: “It’s because you have boobs, dear.”
(His logic can’t really be faulted…)
I have recently been diagnosed with depression and put on antidepressants. It has completely killed my sex drive and my long-term partner (we’re both men) has been getting agitated by it, so I offer a compromise that I read about online. It’s essentially an open relationship, but it’s called Friends with Benefits (FwB). He’s quite eager about it so we agree to trial it, as long as he keeps me aware of everything. It helps ease the tensions in the relationship, and for a few months everything is great.
After six months I’m coming off the antidepressants, but have said we can keep the relationship open if he wants. He decides, however, to end it with his other. He plans to do it over a weekend while I’m away on business. When I come home, our house is picked clean of everything that is his. I try to call him but he doesn’t answer. My suspicions are confirmed when his other boyfriend calls me and asks why my boyfriend’s been claiming I broke it off with him for the two of them to be happy. I explain my end of the story and we agree he is an a**-hole. He is completely dumped by both of us and is forced to move in with his parents.
It’s a few months later now, and his other boyfriend and I are now in a relationship (closed) and couldn’t be happier.
I don’t want to say the whole “open relationship” thing doesn’t work, as I think it was probably more my ex being unhappy and wanting a change. But I would’ve hoped a seven year relationship would have warranted more than lying and then finding out you’ve been dumped through your ex’s boyfriend!
(My boyfriend and I are getting a little frisky one night while lying in bed.)
Me: “I want you so bad, babe.”
Boyfriend: “I want you, too. It’s taking every bit of restraint I have not to rip your pants off, and your panties. And rip off my pants, and my panties—”
(He froze, realizing what he just said, and we both burst out laughing for a good few minutes before getting back to what we were doing.)
(I am known for always freezing. Even in summer I’ll often wear a sweater and during winter I absolutely have to have extra fluffy socks or slippers. I have several pairs that I usually rotate so only one is out, but lately I’ve been a bit sloppy. We have, albeit jokingly, talked about getting married before.)
Boyfriend: *thoughtfully* “You know, there’s a reason I can’t marry you.”
Boyfriend: “Because I know you’ll get cold feet.” *points at a pile of my socks and slippers with a proud grin*
(I’m thirty weeks pregnant with #3 and just got out of the shower. I go to lie next to my husband.)
Me: “You know, love, there are just some things you can’t say until after you’ve been together for years and someone has seen everything. Like giving birth.”
Me: “So I was in the shower and I farted and it was so loud the baby jumped.”
Husband: *nearly falls off the bed laughing*