Love Knows No Bounds: Except Survival Horror

| FL, USA | Marriage & Partners

(My husband and I have both been gamers most of our lives, but while he prefers turn-based strategy or tabletop RPGs, I’ve always been into more fast-paced titles. He enjoys watching while I play through these types of titles. An action-horror game that revolves around a man who goes in search of his missing wife has just been released. My husband is watching me play the opening sequences, and is good-naturedly mocking it… He never finds these types of games scary.)

Husband: “Baby, don’t worry. If you were ever kidnapped, I would come get you.”

Me: “Oh, yeah? Even if it were at a place like this? Saw blades hanging in the trees? Creepy old house? Doorway covered in animal parts?”

Husband: *scoffs* “Of course! I’d go get [Friend #1] and [Friend #2], and we’d go all Red Dawn and have you home in no time.”

(Half an hour later after the game has really gotten going…)

Husband: *calmly* “Baby?”

Me: “Yeah?”

Husband: “I love you, but I would have noped the h*** out of there, like, fifteen minutes ago.”

Me: “What! You’d leave me to the crazy cannibal family? What happened to Red Dawn?”

Husband: Red Dawn is for heavy-handed dramatic patriotism. Not for situations where someone scuttles up the basement stairs on all fours and pins your hand to the wall with a screwdriver. You’re on your own, dearest.”

Things Are Going To Be OK(lahoma)

| USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

My boyfriend and I are on a very long road trip, as I am moving from my hometown in Connecticut to live with him in Oklahoma. One night we stop at a gas station to refuel and use the restroom.

There’s a very disheveled man in the little (closed) restaurant area of the station. When we come through the doors he gets up and starts talking to us, and being a very anxious person it makes me a little uncomfortable. My boyfriend just tells me to go to the bathroom, so I do.

When I come out, my boyfriend is sitting in a booth with the man, who is happily talking to him about nothing in particular. He is clearly not all there mentally, but harmless; he just doesn’t have anywhere to go. When I come to the booth he is very excitedly talking to my boyfriend about his boots.

My boyfriend chats with him for a while, but tells him we have to get going. He looks sad — my boyfriend was probably the first person to actually engage him in conversation for a while — until my boyfriend hands him a fifty and tells him to get something to eat and maybe a place to stay for the night. The man looks about to cry, he is so happy.

If I had any doubts about moving halfway across the country for that man, that pretty much banished them all.

He’s since started working in juvenile mental health, and is the favorite staff of a lot of troubled kids.

Honeymoon Staged

| TX, USA | Marriage & Partners, Young Love

(I’m not allowed to hang up unless the guest is swearing.)

Me: “Thank you for calling reservations. How may I help you?”

Guest: *low voice* “Yes, I got married today, and I wanted to book a surprise honeymoon. She’s asleep right now so I got to be quiet.”

Me: “Congratulations!”

(I ask for dates and start looking at listings.)

Guest: “Do you have any suites? Something sexy?”

(The guest’s wife wakes up at that moment, and a misunderstanding ensues.)

Guest: “No, I’m booking a room for US! No, I wasn’t calling HER sexy! I mean, YEAH she’s a lady, but I was talking about a ROOM!”

Me: *dying inside* “If you can hear me, ma’am, I can verify that I work for [Hotel] and I’m booking a room for YOUR honeymoon.”

(Things calm down, and I go on booking when…)

Guest: “No, baby, stop that!”

Me: *speechless*

Guest: “Hey, she wants me to ask you if it’s okay to book this while she’s sitting on my lap? She promises to be quiet.”

Me: *laughing helplessly* “If you can keep the same promise, I’m fine.”

(Finishes reservation as fast as possible while his wife tries to distract him.)

Me: “Okay, you’ll get the confirmation number. Anything else I can help you with?”

Guest: “Are you married?”

Me: “No…”

Guest: “You should call me on your break. You’ve been great!”

Me: “With all due respect, sir, I think you’ll be busy.”

Guest: “I’m gonna be honest. She’s across my lap right now—”

Me: “Sir, this call is being recorded, and I REALLY don’t want my boss to hear this, so I’m gonna stop you right there and wish you a happy honeymoon.”

Guest: “All right, but you have my info. We should all…” *groans* “…h-hang out!”

Me: *blushing* “Uh, you should get back to your wife. Good night, sir!”

Guest: *hangs up*

Me: *questions life*

Let’s Hope That Came Out Wrong

| Novi Sad, Serbia | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

Me: “What would you do if I died?”

Boyfriend: “I would build a school in your name and everybody would learn, create, and build, and your name would never be forgotten.”

Me: “So, you’d never remarry?”

Boyfriend: “No.”

Me: “You’d never find a new girlfriend?”

Boyfriend: “No.”

Me: “And what would you do for sex?”

Boyfriend: “Well, I’d have a whole school…”

If The Shoe-Smell Fits

| VA, USA | Marriage & Partners

(We are walking down the stairs, talking about shoes.)

Me: “My shoes start to stink pretty quickly if I don’t regularly change my socks.”

Husband: “I don’t usually have a problem with that, though my tennis shoes are starting to stink recently. I should pack it with some paprika to help.”

Me: *laughing because I know what happened* “Put what in your shoe?”

Husband: “D*** it! Potpourri!!”

Me: “You don’t even use potpourri like that either!”

(He will never live this down.)