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Floored With That Proposal

| Dorset, England, UK | Engaged, Proposals

(I am working up the courage to ask my girlfriend to marry me. Being a little old fashioned a about this, I ask her father for permission first, one weekend we are visiting. He’s delighted, and tells me to do it ASAP. Shortly after, my girlfriend and her mother walk into the room. I get down on one knee and propose.)

Girlfriend: “Get up off the floor; you’ll get your trousers dirty!”

Girlfriend’s Father: “The man asked you a question. Answer him!”

Girlfriend’s Mother: “What are you insinuating about the state of my floors?”

(Still happily married, now five years later!)

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The Terrible Star Trek Twos

| Logan, UT, USA | Marriage & Partners

(We have a toddler whose middle name is Tiberius.)

Husband: “If we ever have another boy, we should name him James. Leonard James.”

Me: “That’s actually not too bad. I like the name.”

Husband: “And then if we have ANOTHER boy, we can name him Kirk.”

Me: “I don’t really like the name Kirk.”

Husband: “No, you don’t understand. We have to name him Kirk.”

Me: “Wait…”

Husband: “So then we could have James Tiberius Kirk! And then if I become an officer and get to the rank of captain in the army, we could be Captain James Tiberius Kirk!”

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Glassy Classy

| Saanich, BC, Canada | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My girlfriend and I have gone to a neighbour’s place for pizza and beer. He told me there were steins in the cupboard, but I only find two, so I grab a wine glass.)

Friend: “Oh, are there only two.”

Me: “Yeah, but that’s okay. [Girlfriend] can have the wine glass and be all classy tonight.”

Girlfriend: “‘Tonight’? Am I not classy every night?”

Me: “I’m… gonna just stop talking now.”

Friend: “Probably a good idea, before you put your OTHER foot in your mouth!”

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Very Coinci-dense

| Kitchener, ON, Canada | Marriage & Partners

Coworker: “Yo, I have the biggest coincidence in the world!”

Me: “Oh, yeah? What’s that?”

Coworker: “Okay, listen… My parents got married on the same day, at the same time, in the same place, and in front of the same people! How much of a coincidence is that?!”

Me: “Uh… they married each other, right?”

Coworker: “Yeah! Weird, right? Isn’t that like the biggest coincidence?”

Me: “You’re a special panda…”

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Can Also Upgrade To A Divorce

| NC, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My boyfriend and I have a couple of friends over for dinner, and he is pouring water out of our Brita pitcher for our guests.)

Boyfriend: “You know, I have the most amazing tool that always keeps my Brita filled. It’s the most amazing thing! Ever since I got one, I haven’t had to fill this thing once!”

Me: “Is that tool called… a ‘girlfriend’?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah!” *still speaking to our friends* “I heard there’s an upgrade that cleans out the cat box, too.”

Me: “Yeah, a wife.”