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Cat Caught Your Coffee

| South Africa | Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Pets & Animals

(I stupidly started calling my boyfriend and our very intelligent cat the same pet name/nickname — let’s just say it’s “sweetheart” — until this happens far too often:)

Me: *to cat* “Hey, sweetheart! Want a [cat treat]?”

Boyfriend: “What?”

Me: “Not you!” *to boyfriend* “Sweetheart, want some coffee?”

Cat: “Prr?”

Me: “Not you!”

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Big And Beautiful

| USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(I’m about four months pregnant and at that awkward stage where I’m just starting to show, so I really just look like I enjoy eating a little too much. Unfortunately, shortly after we found out my boyfriend had to travel for work. We haven’t seen each other in over a month and it’ll be another three weeks before he comes home. We’re on the phone one night when this conversation occurs:)

Boyfriend: “So I got on the scale today and I’ve lost almost ten pounds. Even one of the guys says I look like I’ve slimmed down.”

Me: “That’s great, babe. You’ll come home all sexy and thin and I’ll be here fat and disgusting.”

Boyfriend: “That’s not true. You’re making a baby. You’re beautiful and the baby’s going to make you even more beautiful.”

Me: “No. The baby is just making me look like I eat too much fast food.”

Boyfriend: “Shush. You’re the most beautiful person in the world. Especially first thing in the morning. I love that you’re the first thing I see when I wake up.”

Me: “Pshh. That’s just because we sleep naked.”

Boyfriend: “Babe, you manage to take the entire blanket and cocoon yourself in it every night. The only thing I get to see when we wake up is your beautiful sleeping face.”

(Major points to him for cheering me up when I was feeling miserably alone and fat.)

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I Can Text In My Sleep

| NC, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My girlfriend and I have been dating for about five months, and we live in different states at the moment. I always wake her up with a “good morning” text. This happens:)

Me: *over text* “Morning, babe. Hope you’re feeling a little better today. I just got up. Text me when you get the chance, all right? I love you.”

Girlfriend: *about ten minutes later* “, b v”, “w”, “whybfo you taoe thr bunny”

Me: “Sorry, what?”

(She fails to respond:)

Girlfriend: *two hours later* “Hi, babe. I just woke up!”

(She had been having a dream about a bunny and somehow unlocked her phone and texted me for about ten minutes.)

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A Fart From The Heart, Part 5

| TX, USA | Marriage & Partners

(My husband and I are newlyweds. This conversation takes place in the bedroom.)

Husband: “Have you ever seen me light a fart on fire?”

Me: “No… Why?”

Husband: “I feel a good one coming… Do you have any matches or a lighter?”

Me: “I think there’s a lighter in the junk drawer in the kitchen. It’s one of the long ones so I don’t have to get my hand close to the fire.”

Husband: *gets lighter, comes back* “How do you work this…” *lets out long fart* “Aww, man, I wasted it!” *looks disappointed*

Me: *laughing* “Why did no one ever tell me that marriage meant staying up late to watch your husband try to light a fart on fire?”

Related:

A Fart From The Heart, Part 4

A Fart From The Heart, Part 3

A Fart From The Heart, Part 2

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No… One… Dates Like Gaston

| USA | Dating

(I’m on a first date with a guy who seemed nice enough before this. He’s made several comments like, “You’re pretty smart for a girl,” so I’m uncomfortable and looking for an opportunity to leave without being rude. Somehow, the topic of children comes up. I can’t have children due to a medical condition and don’t want them anyway.)

Date: “Yeah, I think I’d want three kids. It’s a good number, not too many, not too few.”

Me: “Well—”

Date: *cutting me off* “The first would be a boy, of course. He’d be named after me. I’m named after my father, so he’d be [Date] III. For the other two, I’m thinking David and Stephanie.”

Me: “I—”

Date: *cutting me off again* “I’d send them to [Private School] instead of a public school with everyone else. My sons would play football, like me.”

(This continues for quite a while. He apparently has his possible future children’s lives entirely planned out in detail, and just keeps talking even if I try to say something. Eventually, he gets through the plan.)

Me: “That’s… very thought out.”

Date: “And of course my wife would be a stay at home mom.” *looks at me expectantly*

Me: *no longer caring about being rude* “Good luck finding someone for that. It’s getting late. I should be going now.”