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Killed The Chance Of A Second Date

| USA | Dating, Popular

(I’m a female in my mid-20s and until this I had never been on a date in person, just some very awkward Skype dates with a different guy. This happens in the middle of dinner and I’m running out of stuff to talk about.)

Me: “So, anything weird happen to you lately?”

Guy: “Well… a few months ago I had to deal with a stalker.”

Me: *a little too enthusiastically* “Really? I’ve been studying stalkers and serial killers.”

(Pretty sure I know why there wasn’t a second date.)

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Beginning To See The Reason For The Breakup

| USA | Flirting/How We Met, Popular

(I’m a 19 year old female, working alone. A male comes in, and ask to use the bathroom. I give him the keys and he looks up at me. His expression lights up like he’s seen an angel and he can’t take his eyes off of me. I’m nervous, because it’s three am and he’s much older than me, probably in his 50s.)

Man: “I’m going to to the bathroom, but I’ll be coming back to see YOU!” *points at me and runs off*

Me: “Oh… kay….”

(I hide out in the back room. After a short time, I see him rush back out, looking around. Another customer comes in needing help, so I have to come out again. Once the other customer leaves, the older man grins, excited.)

Man: “There you ARE! I was looking! For you! Where were you?!”

Me: “Oh. I was in the back. Is there, um, anything—”

Man: “I’ve had a terrible night. My girl broke up with me and…”

(He tells me about this awful breakup, and that his now ex stole his stuff, all he wanted was a good girl, and that “maybe” I could be her, and how women were terrible for breaking up with him. He was babbling away and I was nodding, hoping he’d go away. Finally he stops and looks at me with that lit up expression again.)

Man: “How old are you?”

Me: “19.”

Man: “Oh… well, it’s okay. I’m too old. You’re an angel, you know that? I saw an angel today, and that’s you. Thank you for listening. Bye, angel.”

Me: “Uhhh… bye.”

(I felt happy that I had helped him feel less lonely, but I was more happy that he left.)

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Can You Smell The Love Tonight

| Dallas, TX, USA | Marriage & Partners, Popular

(I recently had my first colonoscopy. Scared as h***, I go into the hospital thoroughly convinced I will not return. Prior to the procedure, my doctor explained that they inflate your intestines with air in order to get the camera inside, and you have to “give the air back” after you wake up. This exchange happens between me and my wife immediately after the procedure.)

Wife: “Hey, honey, you okay?”

Me: *as I’m getting dressed* “Yeah, I’m fine. Went quicker than I thought it would.”

Wife: “That’s good. I’m gonna go sign you out, then we’ll go home.”

Me: “Wait, one question.” *looks around nervously* “Did I fart?”

Wife: *deadpans* “Like a beached whale.”