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Finally Got That Dream Job

| Yorkshire, England, UK | Marriage & Partners

(I work in a call centre for a large bank. At the time of these incidents I’ve been finding work a little stressful and I’ve been dreaming about work a lot. The following incidents occurred as a result of this. It seems whilst some people sleepwalk I have managed to master the art of sleepworking! I’m half asleep in bed when my mobile phone rings.)

Me: “Good morning. Thank you for calling [Bank]. You’re speaking to [My Name]. How can I help?”

Mum: “Would you like me to call back and try that again?”

(The next night I am awoken by my partner who seems a little confused. Apparently in my sleep I’d come out with the following:)

Me: *sternly* “Sir, in order to help you I’m going to need to take your sort code and account number, else I will be unable to locate your details and help you further.”

(A further few nights later I woke up to my partner asking me what he couldn’t do with his credit card. Confused, I asked him what he meant. Apparently in my sleep the following conversation occurred.)

Me: *out of the blue* “No, I’m sorry, sir. I’m afraid you can’t do that with your [Bank] credit card.”

Partner: “I can’t do what with my credit card? Are you okay?”

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry for any inconvenience but again, I’m afraid we can’t do that for you.”

Partner: *playing along* “Can I speak to your manager, please?”

Me: “No, you can’t speak to my manager. Go away!”

Partner: “Fine. I’d like to make a complaint.”

Me: “Okay then, sir, I’ll just…” *rolls over and continues snoring*

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Seeds Of Worry

| UK | Marriage & Partners

Me: *after being prodded awake by my husband* “What?”

Husband: “You should have a vasectomy.”

Me: “Why?”

Husband: “Because a woman might knock you out and harvest your seed.”

Me: *thinking it over* “What about you?”

Husband: “…good point.” *rolls over and goes back to sleep*

(He couldn’t remember it in the morning. I sometimes worry about his dreams. I’m a woman.)

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Inviting Some Brotherly Trouble

| Cupertino, CA, USA | Engaged

(I am at lunch with my parents, boyfriend, brother, and his new wife of just over a month. My boyfriend have been together and lived together for quite a while and people joke we’re an ‘old married couple’ already. We are getting legally married in a few months in a very small ceremony at my parents’ house with a friend officiating. We haven’t told many people yet, aside from the couple of friends and family who will be in attendance, as we don’t feel like it’s a big deal, and also because we didn’t want to steal the thunder from my brother and his now-wife. When we ordered our wedding rings online we also got a simple band with some microscopic diamonds for me as an engagement ring of sorts. I’m fond of it though I rarely wear it. Most of the way through the meal my brother notices it on my finger.)

Brother: “Oh, look; you have a ring now, too!”

Me: “Oh, you haven’t seen it yet? Amazon! But yeah, we’ve had it for… a while. I’m trying to learn to wear it sometimes.”

Mom: “It’s so she can actually remember.”

Boyfriend: “Exactly! She’s training herself to get used to the idea.”

(We all laugh. A couple hours later when we have gone our separate ways and are running errands.)

Boyfriend: “Wait. You did remember to tell your brother we’re getting married, right? That wasn’t how he found out?”

Me: “Uhm. I think so? Wait, yes. It came up, because I remember mentioning we were keeping things quiet so we didn’t pull focus from his wedding. But I don’t remember if I ever told him we picked a date?”

Boyfriend: “We should probably tell them.”

Me: “We should, so they know to be there. You told your brother, right? I think I remember you saying you did?”

Boyfriend: “Uhm… I’m PRETTY sure I did. Ah, crap.”

(After we got home we both talked to our brothers to make sure they knew. They’ll be there.)

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Won’t Be Haunted By This Marriage

| Leesburg, VA, USA | Marriage & Partners

(My fiancé and I decide last minute to have a small wedding with just our direct family members. I am slightly disappointed to be getting married in a lawyer’s office, but happy to be getting married to my fiancé. Once everything is done, we are about to leave when things get interesting.)

Me: “Thank you so much! This building is actually quite lovely. I was expecting a standard building.”

Lawyer: “Oh, no! This is one of the oldest buildings in town! It was originally a tavern in the 1700s and over the years it’s been many different things. In the Civil War alone it was a military hospital, prison, and mortuary! This place is actually haunted! Want to see?”

Me: “Absolutely! Impromptu ghost tour and finding out I got married in a haunted house? Best wedding surprise ever!”

(He then took us on a tour of the building and attic. Soldiers from the Civil War had drawn directly on the walls and a few drawings were depicting ghosts that had been seen in the house over the years! It was completely accidental, but it made the day even more eventful!)

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Only A Jedi May Enter…

| London, England, UK | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(It’s Sunday morning, and I am getting dressed in the bedroom while boyfriend is preparing breakfast in the kitchen. I realise that I not only gained weight around my tummy and hips, but that my breasts have also grown significantly)

Me: “My boobs have grown drastically…”

Boyfriend: “Where did they come from?”

Me: “No idea…”

Boyfriend: *mishearing* “What, Darth Vader?! Are they his spare helmets or something?”