Another Kind Of Human

| USA | Flirting/How We Met, Popular

(It has been a long day at work and I am relaxing alone at a bar when a man approaches me.)

Man: “Hi, I’m taking a class about human behavior and I’m doing a study about the correlation between numbers and people. Can you write down some 10 random numbers for me?”

Me: “Um, sure.” *he hands me a paper and pen and I do so*

Man: “Thanks!” *I watch him go back to his table and hear him say* “I told you I could get her number! You owe me $10!”

(We ended up going out after that!)

The Biggest Mistake To Assume Too Early

| Austria | Marriage & Partners, Popular

(I’m having a drink with a group of friends, among them an older married couple who have been married for decades.)

The Husband: *about his wife* “My biggest mistake—”

All Of Us: “Aww, you’re so mean!”

The Husband: “—was thinking she was only a summer fling.”

Brother Bother

| West Sussex, England, UK | Dating, Family/Kids

(I’ve been friends with my now-boyfriend for over ten years but we’ve only been together as partners for about two months. I’ve stayed at his house and met his housemate and am meeting his parents, two brothers, and everyone else in the tiny village he lives in at his local pub. His brothers are grilling me about my life.)

Brother #1: “So, how long have you two been together?”

Me: “About two months, but we’ve known each other for a little over ten years.”

Brother#2: “Why the change? What happened?”

Me: “Oh, I had a crappy day at work and needed a drink and to vent a bit. I sent a group text to our friends and [Boyfriend] was out with some work people and said I could join them.”

Brother #1: “Wow! That must’ve been one really s***** day to find solace in his arms. What do you do for a living?”

(I don’t usually tell people what I do as I’m a child psychologist and can’t really talk about my work.)

Me: “I work with kids.”

(My boyfriend looked at me a bit funny.)

Boyfriend: “You don’t just ‘work with kids.’”

Brother #2: “What’s that mean? What do you do then?”

Me: “I’m a child psychologist. I mainly work with children aged 3 – 12 who are going through traumatic bereavement. I’m freelance, but work with [County] police and hospitals.”

Brother #1: “Bloody h***! That’s some job. Is that why you say you ‘work with kids’?”

Me: “Yes. Would you like your doctor talking about you in a pub?”

Brother #2: “You’re a doctor? A real, proper, doctor?”

Boyfriend: “Told you she was smart!”

Brother #1: “Hang on! So you’re really clever, funny, hot, a caring person, and you clearly have humility? Why are you with him!?” *gestures to boyfriend* “Oh, God! You two are like those couples in sitcoms. She’s all smart and funny and stunning and he’s a useless, lazy, ugly fool, and no-one knows how the h*** he got a woman like that. It’s not even like he’s rich!”

(It’s obvious that he’s just teasing and I wait until everyone’s stopped laughing.)

Me: “Do you know the worst part of my job?”

Both Brothers: “What?”

Me: “Brothers. No matter how bad their lives are, how horrendously painful their experiences have been, they always, always, annoy each other.”

(We’ve been together for nearly a year now and no matter how bad their day’s been they still talk to each other like that. They all in their 30s!)

Only Deserving Of A Jail Cell

| USA | Flirting/How We Met

(Our bar is a local “cop bar”. There’s a woman in her late 20s who comes in a few times a week and she’ll sit at the bar, chat with staff, and read while she has a drink and waits for her husband to get off work. We’ve gotten to know her pretty well, and all of our staff members [except two people who only work mornings, and haven’t met her] like her. She’s friendly, and actually somewhat petite so she seems unassuming at first. This happens one evening when there’s a new guy in the bar.)

New Guy: *to her* “Well, hey there, baby! ”

Woman: *glances up at me, with a “here we go” look, but doesn’t respond to him*

New Guy: *looks at me, then clears his throat* “I said, hey!”

Woman: *without looking up from her book* “Hello.”

New Guy: “How about you and I get some dinner sometime?”

Woman: “No, thank you.”

New Guy: “No, no.” *waving his hand dismissively and adopting an aggressive tone* “I said… ‘How about you and I get some dinner sometime.’”

Woman: *looking up at him for the first time* “I heard you; I’m just not interested. Now if you don’t mind, I’m trying to read.”

New Guy: “No, you see… I do mind. I asked you on a date. You owe it to me to give me a chance.”

Woman: *clearly annoyed* “Actually, I don’t. You wanting something doesn’t mean you’re entitled to it, and it doesn’t mean anyone is required to give it to you.”

New Guy: “But I deserve—”

Woman: *interrupting* “You deserve to be treated like a human being. But that does not involve accepting your invitation just because you’re interested. You being interested in someone doesn’t mean anything except that you’re interested.”

New Guy: “No, you’re wrong! It means I deserve a chance!”

Woman: “No, it doesn’t. Let me ask you a question. You obviously think it’s wrong for women to turn men who express interest down, but do you think it’s wrong when a man does the same thing?”

New Guy: “No, of course not!”

Woman: “Why?”

New Guy: “Because, you women can get dates anytime you want. It’s not a crime to turn somebody down.”

Woman: *to me, as she turns back to her book* “You want to explain this one to him?”

New Guy: *lowering his voice* “For all you know, I could have a weapon in my car and make you take that date with me.”

Woman: *placing her bookmark* “You should really learn something about somebody before you threaten them.”

(She stands up, and he assumes this means they’re going to go somewhere and tries to grab her arm. Next thing he knows, he’s face-first on the floor, and the bouncer is running over.)

Woman: *calmly* “[My Name], will you call Sergeant [Name] at the police station down the road, please?”

New Guy: “You’re a cop?!”

Woman: “No, but my husband is.”

New Guy: “Why didn’t you just say you were married?!”

Woman: “Because it’s none of your business, and I don’t actually have to tell you that. You should have accepted it when I said ‘no.’ You don’t deserve an explanation, and you aren’t even entitled to an answer.”

(We hope never to see the guy again, and my co-workers and I really don’t know what happened to him. Maybe next time he won’t threaten a random person in a notorious cop bar?)

When The Concept Just Grabs You

| USA | Friends With Benefits

(We are in a bar with a large group of friends and many new people. I am a guy, and I am across the bar from the only two girls I am close to. Somebody grabs my butt and disappears before I see who.)

Me: *to Girl #1* “Someone grabbed my butt and ran off. You and [Girl #2] are the only ones who I would let get away with that.”

Girl #1: *grabbing my butt* “I would never grab you!”

(Later that night I am telling Girl #2 about it.)

Girl #2: “Yeah, [Girl #1]’ is kinda grabby and flirts a lot. You should date her. Hey, why is your hand on my butt?!”

Me: “Probably because we are drunk, curled up in your bed, and your hand is down my pants grabbing my butt.”

Girl #2: “Oh, yeah, fair enough. Grab away.”

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