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Trying To Offer Some Asian Persuasion

| CA, USA | Advice, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, LGBTQ

(I am out at a gay bar with my boyfriend and his best friend. All of us are white gay males, but live in a part of the country that’s quite ethnically diverse. We’re waiting for one of my exes to arrive, whom I am still on good terms with. My boyfriend’s friend has his Grindr app open, looking around the bar. I catch a glimpse of it.)

Me: “What the h***?!”

Friend: “What?”

Me: “Your profile! It says “No Asians””

Friend: “Yeah, I’m not into Asians.”

Me: “That’s very racist!”

Friend: “How? I just don’t find them attractive.”

Me: “Every single Asian?”

Friend: “Well, not really.”

Me: “So you’ve met every Asian from all over the world, have you?”

Friend: “Of course not, but—”

Me: “Then how can you know there is not a single Asian you find attractive?”

(My boyfriend has heard my voice rising throughout the conversation.)

Boyfriend: “It’s okay, [My Name]. [Friend] isn’t racist.”

Me: “If you make a decision or judgment about someone based solely and entirely on their race, is that a racist decision?”

Boyfriend: “I think what [Friend] means is—”

Me: “Yes or no. Is it a racist decision?”

Boyfriend: “Well… yes. But—”

Me: “There we go, then.”

Friend: “What’s the big deal? I just don’t find Asian guys sexually attractive. It’s a preference, not racism.”

Me: “Okay, then, why is that?”

Friend: “What is what?”

Me: “What is it about Asians that you don’t find desirable?”

Friend: “I don’t know… I just don’t.”

Me: “What about black guys?”

Friend: “Uh…”

Me: “So it’s just white guys you’re into, then?”

Friend: “I guess so. But I’m not racist! I have black friends!”

Me: “And you label them your ‘Black Friends’ do you?”

Boyfriend: “[My Name], chill out!”

Me: “I will not. I am not saying you’re Trump or anything, but you’re perpetuating the ideology that one race is superior to another, in this case, out of sexual prowess. White man is sexy and strong; Asian man is unattractive and weak. I’m telling you this because I want you to look inside and ask yourself why is it you feel this way? Also, I am saving you.”

Friend: “Saving me?! From what?”

Me: “From him.”

(We all turn to see my ex has arrived. A 6 foot, Korean-American body-builder with an amazingly handsome face, at least in my opinion. He comes on over and says hello.)

Ex: “Sorry I’m late. So… what we talking about?”

(I look pointedly at my boyfriend’s friend.)

Friend: “Oh… nothing… uh… So, who wants a round of drinks?”

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How To Mansplain To A Mansplainer

| Sweden | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My boyfriend loves to explain things and everybody who knows him teasingly calls him the ultimate mansplainer. We are out drinking with my friend, who is a woman, when this happens.)

Boyfriend: *end of long rant* “…and that’s why that’s like that.”

Friend: “Oh, my god.”

Me: “You’re such a mansplainer, darling.”

Boyfriend: “I’m not mansplaining! I’m only explaining so you girls will understand!”

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Not Who You Were Ex-pecting

| USA | Infidelity, Popular

(I get a flirtatious text from my girlfriend addressed to someone else. I text her back pretending to be this other person, and find out she has been cheating on me. Still oblivious that she’s actually texting me, I suggest we meet up at a local bar, where we can laugh over how stupid her boyfriend, me, is. An hour later at the bar…)

Me: “Oh, hey, [Girlfriend]!”

Girlfriend: “[My Name]? What are you doing here?”

Me: “I wanted a drink. What about you? Weren’t you going to that play with your sister tonight?”

Girlfriend: “Yeah, it ended early. Um, I just remembered I forgot my purse at her place. I gotta go back.”

Me: “Aren’t you carrying your purse?”

Girlfriend: “My other purse.”

Me: “You took two purses?”

Girlfriend: “Yeah, I gotta go. See you later, babe!”

Me: “Okay! Tell your other boyfriend I said hi!”

(The look on her face was priceless.)

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Boyfriend Won’t Save You From This Pickle

| Cedar Rapids, IA, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Popular

(My boyfriend and I are out at a bar after a big football game and have spent the better part of the evening drinking. I have a problem with word recollection without alcohol, but with that in the mix I sometimes fail at any sort of communication.)

Me: “Could I get an order of your fried pretzels?”

Waitress: “Uh, you know, I don’t think we have those but I could check with the kitchen staff to see if they can whip you something up.”

Me: *confused* “Are you sure? They’re on the menu.”

Waitress: “I don’t think so, but I’ll go check and be right back.”

(She leaves and returns.)

Waitress: “I’m sorry, dear, we don’t have any fried pretzels.”

Me: “What? No I want the fried pickles.”

Waitress: *looks at me like I’ve grown a third eye* “Well, those we certainly have. Sorry about the confusion.”

(She leaves.)

Me: *to boyfriend* “Why didn’t you say something?”

Boyfriend: “I mean you seemed so confident! How was I supposed to know you flubbed?”

(This is by far the most hilarious and embarrassing time this has ever happened to me, with or without alcohol.)

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Or Could Be Impregnated With An Alien

| London, ON, Canada | Marriage & Partners, Popular

(Some coworkers and I go out for some billiards and snacks after work one night. I have just ordered a sampler which comes with various items like deep fried pickles. I’ve always hated pickles, but thought I’d give them a shot. I am messaging my husband.)

Me: “I tried a deep fried pickle… Still don’t like pickles.”

(Later:)

Me: “If I suddenly like pickles, I’m either pregnant or an alien-abductee. So, give me a pregnancy test if I like pickles. If it comes back negative, call the CIA or kill me… unless I’m being nice; then maybe I’m a misunderstood nice alien.”

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