Can’t Stick To The Beat

| PA, USA | Engaged

(After a week-long hospital stay, my fiancée picks me up. As we make the long drive home, a song that she *REALLY* likes comes on. Unable to resist, she starts to sing along… completely off key, which isn’t unusual. I sing along as well, but on key. When the song ends, I look at her.)

Me: “Awww…my poor baby. You couldn’t carry a tune if it was Crazy-Glued to your back.”

Fiancée: *pouting* “I know I can’t sing.”

Me: “Don’t beat yourself up, baby…” *pause* That’s my job.”

Fiancée: “What?!”

Me: “Sorry… that was an apparent breakdown of my brain-mouth filter. Love me anyway?”

Fiancée: “I love you because… although I’m questioning that at this moment.”

Blow Off That Date

| CO, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Non-Dialogue

After a fun date, my boyfriend and I are snuggling in his car. His head is on my shoulder, which I think is very sweet and nice.

Suddenly he turns his head and blows his nose into my shoulder! I am mortified, and he just turns back around like it was completely normal. He doesn’t understand why I yell at him for getting snot all over my new dress, acting like it is no big deal.

I walked the rest of the way home.

They’re Sinny Side Up

| USA | Marriage & Partners

(I am notorious for mixing up phrases. I will say “If you twist my arm” when I mean “If you pull my leg” and vice versa, but this one tops them all. My husband and I were out driving and had to change lanes to get off the highway. As we are approaching the exit a car appears out of nowhere and we almost hit him.)

Husband: “Man, that guy was flying down the road!”

Me: “Yeah, he came up like a chicken out of Hades!”

Husband: “What…? Did you mean, ‘bat out of Hell’?”

Me: *sheepishly* “Yeah…”

(After a few minutes of us both laughing, my husband asks:)

Husband: “What kind of eggs do those lay?”

Me: “Deviled eggs?”

Scored Twenty For Effort

| MN, USA | Marriage & Partners

(My wife is a kindergarten teacher and NOT a morning person. Chasing 25 kids around, plus our seven kids (four of mine, three of hers), leaves her with little left over energy during the work week. She normally drives herself but her son’s car died and he needs to use hers. I notice my gas warning light has come on and mention I’ll need to fill up right after dropping her off. This conversation happens:)

Me: “Looks like I’ll have to fill up before heading to my client.”

Wife: “Do you want me to give you a twenty?”

Me: *confused* “Why? I can fill it.”

Wife: “You gave [Her Daughter] $40 last week and I only put $20 into your tank. I still owe you.”

Me: “Oh. Right.” *joking* “Nah, we’ll just have sex tonight.”

Wife: *not missing a beat* “Can’t I just give you the $20?”

True Romance Takes Balls

| CA, USA | Marriage & Partners

(My wife and I are running errands and have just left a store with some groceries and trinkets. In my car is a therapy fidget, which can be bent into various shapes. My wife is playing with the fidget as I drive.)

Wife: “I made a heart!”

(She shows me.)

Me: “Aww!”

(She then flips the heart upside down.)

Wife: “And now it’s a ballsack!”

Me: “God d*** it, [Wife].”

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