They’re Sinny Side Up

| USA | Marriage & Partners

(I am notorious for mixing up phrases. I will say “If you twist my arm” when I mean “If you pull my leg” and vice versa, but this one tops them all. My husband and I were out driving and had to change lanes to get off the highway. As we are approaching the exit a car appears out of nowhere and we almost hit him.)

Husband: “Man, that guy was flying down the road!”

Me: “Yeah, he came up like a chicken out of Hades!”

Husband: “What…? Did you mean, ‘bat out of Hell’?”

Me: *sheepishly* “Yeah…”

(After a few minutes of us both laughing, my husband asks:)

Husband: “What kind of eggs do those lay?”

Me: “Deviled eggs?”

Scored Twenty For Effort

| MN, USA | Marriage & Partners

(My wife is a kindergarten teacher and NOT a morning person. Chasing 25 kids around, plus our seven kids (four of mine, three of hers), leaves her with little left over energy during the work week. She normally drives herself but her son’s car died and he needs to use hers. I notice my gas warning light has come on and mention I’ll need to fill up right after dropping her off. This conversation happens:)

Me: “Looks like I’ll have to fill up before heading to my client.”

Wife: “Do you want me to give you a twenty?”

Me: *confused* “Why? I can fill it.”

Wife: “You gave [Her Daughter] $40 last week and I only put $20 into your tank. I still owe you.”

Me: “Oh. Right.” *joking* “Nah, we’ll just have sex tonight.”

Wife: *not missing a beat* “Can’t I just give you the $20?”

True Romance Takes Balls

| CA, USA | Marriage & Partners

(My wife and I are running errands and have just left a store with some groceries and trinkets. In my car is a therapy fidget, which can be bent into various shapes. My wife is playing with the fidget as I drive.)

Wife: “I made a heart!”

(She shows me.)

Me: “Aww!”

(She then flips the heart upside down.)

Wife: “And now it’s a ballsack!”

Me: “God d*** it, [Wife].”

Fart Jokes Precede Dad Jokes

| Sunnyvale, CA, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My boyfriend and I are of similar minds in regards to the possibility of future children: we both want none. We’re currently in my car in stop-and-go traffic on a freeway off-ramp. It’s congested because half the lanes are closed while they make improvements. The road workers are currently laying asphalt, and the in-progress section is about two or three feet higher in elevation than the existing road.)

Boyfriend: “I farted.”

Me: “I can tell. I was hoping the smell of new asphalt would cover it up but… it’s not working. Hopefully it doesn’t kill those road workers.”

Boyfriend: “They should be fine in the end. After all, it’s what they get for taking the high road!”

(There is a long pause while he snickers and I stare at him with a look that is equal parts amused and aghast at his terrible joke. And then, suddenly:)

Boyfriend: “AH, CRAP, I MADE A DAD JOKE. YOU BETTER NOT BE PREGNANT.”

A Brief Period Of Stereotyping

| San Jose, CA, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My parents were recently on vacation in Canada and brought back a few things including snacks, some of which they send me. I also accidentally left my sunglasses in their car the last time we saw them before their trip, so they put the sunglasses in with the care package. Naturally, I forget to take them out to leave in my car. My boyfriend and I are now in my car and I’m driving. The sun is in my eyes so I fumble for my sunglasses, but of course they aren’t there.)

Me: “Oops. My sunglasses are on the kitchen table, aren’t they?”

Boyfriend: “Yep! In the bag with the rest of the stuff.”

Me: *suddenly shrieking* “OH, MY GOD, THERE’S ALSO CHOCOLATE IN THE BAG! I SHOULD EAT THAT CHOCOLATE!”

Boyfriend: “Uh…”

Me: “Oh. My period started yesterday, by the way. In that context, the moment I just had probably makes a lot more sense.”

Boyfriend: “There we go!”

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