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True Romance Takes Balls

| CA, USA | Marriage & Partners

(My wife and I are running errands and have just left a store with some groceries and trinkets. In my car is a therapy fidget, which can be bent into various shapes. My wife is playing with the fidget as I drive.)

Wife: “I made a heart!”

(She shows me.)

Me: “Aww!”

(She then flips the heart upside down.)

Wife: “And now it’s a ballsack!”

Me: “God d*** it, [Wife].”

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Fart Jokes Precede Dad Jokes

| Sunnyvale, CA, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My boyfriend and I are of similar minds in regards to the possibility of future children: we both want none. We’re currently in my car in stop-and-go traffic on a freeway off-ramp. It’s congested because half the lanes are closed while they make improvements. The road workers are currently laying asphalt, and the in-progress section is about two or three feet higher in elevation than the existing road.)

Boyfriend: “I farted.”

Me: “I can tell. I was hoping the smell of new asphalt would cover it up but… it’s not working. Hopefully it doesn’t kill those road workers.”

Boyfriend: “They should be fine in the end. After all, it’s what they get for taking the high road!”

(There is a long pause while he snickers and I stare at him with a look that is equal parts amused and aghast at his terrible joke. And then, suddenly:)

Boyfriend: “AH, CRAP, I MADE A DAD JOKE. YOU BETTER NOT BE PREGNANT.”

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A Brief Period Of Stereotyping

| San Jose, CA, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My parents were recently on vacation in Canada and brought back a few things including snacks, some of which they send me. I also accidentally left my sunglasses in their car the last time we saw them before their trip, so they put the sunglasses in with the care package. Naturally, I forget to take them out to leave in my car. My boyfriend and I are now in my car and I’m driving. The sun is in my eyes so I fumble for my sunglasses, but of course they aren’t there.)

Me: “Oops. My sunglasses are on the kitchen table, aren’t they?”

Boyfriend: “Yep! In the bag with the rest of the stuff.”

Me: *suddenly shrieking* “OH, MY GOD, THERE’S ALSO CHOCOLATE IN THE BAG! I SHOULD EAT THAT CHOCOLATE!”

Boyfriend: “Uh…”

Me: “Oh. My period started yesterday, by the way. In that context, the moment I just had probably makes a lot more sense.”

Boyfriend: “There we go!”

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Your Great Purpose

| QLD, Australia | Marriage & Partners, Popular

(My husband drove me to a job interview and waited in the car. We are driving home and he is complaining about being in the car all day. I regularly go to a job with him and wait in the car. I get out my phone and pretend to text his grandfather.)

Me: “Your grandson is a butthead.”

Husband: “Don’t send that. Don’t turn my family against me.”

Me: “They already like me better than you anyway.”

Husband: “They’re just using you…”

Me: “For what?”

Husband: “Great-grandchildren!”

Me: “Touché.”

Husband: “You know it’s true.”

(Sadly, it is true – sort of. I’m the only adult female of my husband’s generation who can have children. I am their ‘only hope.’)

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Expecting Milk To Come Out

| New Zealand | Marriage & Partners, Popular

(I have just grabbed drinks, a juice for me and chocolate milk for my husband, who is British and quite polite and proper. The brand of milk is called Nippy’s, and it comes in a tetra pak box. He is driving, so I ask if he wants me to put the straw in his drink for him and accidentally come out with one of the best lines ever:)

Me: “Do you want me to pierce your Nippy’s?”

Husband: “…I think I’m good, thanks.”

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