icon_marriage

Scored Twenty For Effort

| MN, USA | Marriage & Partners

(My wife is a kindergarten teacher and NOT a morning person. Chasing 25 kids around, plus our seven kids (four of mine, three of hers), leaves her with little left over energy during the work week. She normally drives herself but her son’s car died and he needs to use hers. I notice my gas warning light has come on and mention I’ll need to fill up right after dropping her off. This conversation happens:)

Me: “Looks like I’ll have to fill up before heading to my client.”

Wife: “Do you want me to give you a twenty?”

Me: *confused* “Why? I can fill it.”

Wife: “You gave [Her Daughter] $40 last week and I only put $20 into your tank. I still owe you.”

Me: “Oh. Right.” *joking* “Nah, we’ll just have sex tonight.”

Wife: *not missing a beat* “Can’t I just give you the $20?”

icon_marriage

True Romance Takes Balls

| CA, USA | Marriage & Partners

(My wife and I are running errands and have just left a store with some groceries and trinkets. In my car is a therapy fidget, which can be bent into various shapes. My wife is playing with the fidget as I drive.)

Wife: “I made a heart!”

(She shows me.)

Me: “Aww!”

(She then flips the heart upside down.)

Wife: “And now it’s a ballsack!”

Me: “God d*** it, [Wife].”

icon_boyfriendsgirlfriends

Fart Jokes Precede Dad Jokes

| Sunnyvale, CA, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My boyfriend and I are of similar minds in regards to the possibility of future children: we both want none. We’re currently in my car in stop-and-go traffic on a freeway off-ramp. It’s congested because half the lanes are closed while they make improvements. The road workers are currently laying asphalt, and the in-progress section is about two or three feet higher in elevation than the existing road.)

Boyfriend: “I farted.”

Me: “I can tell. I was hoping the smell of new asphalt would cover it up but… it’s not working. Hopefully it doesn’t kill those road workers.”

Boyfriend: “They should be fine in the end. After all, it’s what they get for taking the high road!”

(There is a long pause while he snickers and I stare at him with a look that is equal parts amused and aghast at his terrible joke. And then, suddenly:)

Boyfriend: “AH, CRAP, I MADE A DAD JOKE. YOU BETTER NOT BE PREGNANT.”

icon_boyfriendsgirlfriends

A Brief Period Of Stereotyping

| San Jose, CA, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My parents were recently on vacation in Canada and brought back a few things including snacks, some of which they send me. I also accidentally left my sunglasses in their car the last time we saw them before their trip, so they put the sunglasses in with the care package. Naturally, I forget to take them out to leave in my car. My boyfriend and I are now in my car and I’m driving. The sun is in my eyes so I fumble for my sunglasses, but of course they aren’t there.)

Me: “Oops. My sunglasses are on the kitchen table, aren’t they?”

Boyfriend: “Yep! In the bag with the rest of the stuff.”

Me: *suddenly shrieking* “OH, MY GOD, THERE’S ALSO CHOCOLATE IN THE BAG! I SHOULD EAT THAT CHOCOLATE!”

Boyfriend: “Uh…”

Me: “Oh. My period started yesterday, by the way. In that context, the moment I just had probably makes a lot more sense.”

Boyfriend: “There we go!”

icon_marriage

Your Great Purpose

| QLD, Australia | Marriage & Partners, Popular

(My husband drove me to a job interview and waited in the car. We are driving home and he is complaining about being in the car all day. I regularly go to a job with him and wait in the car. I get out my phone and pretend to text his grandfather.)

Me: “Your grandson is a butthead.”

Husband: “Don’t send that. Don’t turn my family against me.”

Me: “They already like me better than you anyway.”

Husband: “They’re just using you…”

Me: “For what?”

Husband: “Great-grandchildren!”

Me: “Touché.”

Husband: “You know it’s true.”

(Sadly, it is true – sort of. I’m the only adult female of my husband’s generation who can have children. I am their ‘only hope.’)

Page 1/4312345...Last