Crushed Their Chances

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Crush

(I have liked this guy for about six years. I am really shy but as I get into my teens I turn very social. I finally manage to sit and talk with him after church. It’s all going well… until a very “odd” elderly lady comes and sits between us.)

Lady: “OH, MY GOODNESS! YOU TWO! FINALLY! [My Name], what are you planning for university?”

Me: “Mathematics, Ms. [Lady].”

Lady: “Oh. Well. And you?” *to Crush*

Crush: “I’m not sure, yet.”

Lady: “Well, you better hurry up and decide! Can’t very well have your future wife being smarter than you! She’s going to have to stay home with the kids anyway.”

(She grabs me by the shoulder and him and pushes us closer, holding our heads.)

Lady: “Oh! Look at you two! [Crush’s Last Name] and [My Last Name]! It was meant to be! We’ve all been rooting for you! Imagine how cute your kids are going to be!” *to Crush* “You better get started on that!” *to me* Are you fertile now?”

Me: *in shock* “Uh… no? I’m only 17.”

Lady: “Oh, I’m being so rude. I’ll leave you two kids alone. Don’t get started on the babies until I leave! Oh, the two of you. So great.”

(She leaves and I’m sitting there gripping the edge of the chair.)

Crush: “I… uh… I’m gonna go—”

Me: “Yup. Yup.”

(We haven’t talked much since.)

Should Have Gone To Bethlehem

| Jerusalem, Israel | Marriage & Partners

(I’m walking around the Christian area of the old city looking for something to buy for my mom who lives in America. My in-laws and friends are super loud and always cause a scene. They found a friend that wants to meet me and my daughter and spot me wondering around a church.)

Family And Friends: *running at us screeching my daughter’s name and a bunch of Hebrew slang for cute*

Me: *with a forced smile* “Oh, sweet baby Jesus! Brace yourself.”

Husband: “You’re the wrong religion. You don’t get his help.”

(And I didn’t. I never do when I go back.)

No A**-Holes In Their Knowledge

| NY, USA | Engaged, Popular

(My fiancée and I are at a church thing and we are engaged, but not married yet. There is a Newlyweds-style game, where they ask each person to guess what the other said. While she’s out of the room, one of the questions is “what is her pet name for you?” It’s not the most affectionate name, but I write down what she calls me most often. She comes back in and they ask her what her pet name for me is.)

Fiancée: “Uhhhhh, I mean, I guess… a**hole?”

Me: *holding up the card I wrote “asshole” on* “DING DING DING DING DING!”

Making No Mis-steaks On Valentine’s Day

| WA, USA | Marriage & Partners, Popular

(I have recently married my wife. We are in church on Valentine’s Day, and one of the older church-moms comes up to me.)

Church-Mom: “What are you doing for [Wife] for Valentine’s Day?”

Me: “Well, [Wife] has been driving a lot, so I bought her a gas card, and I’m cooking steaks. Oh… and we’re watching a movie tonight. We’re going to have a date night. We’ve been so busy that we never get to spend any time alone.

Church-Mom: *in a disappointed tone* “Hmm… knowing you, I expected it to be a lot more romantic.”

Me: “But… steak…”

The Wedding Planner Is Fired

| WI, USA | Dating, Marriage & Partners, Theme Of The Month, Young Love

(My cousin has just gotten married, and I bring my boyfriend with me as my date. We’re only 20, but we do talk about marriage sometimes, albeit mostly as a joke. We are having a conversation as we exit the church.)

Boyfriend: “You know what? This wedding has got me thinking. Choose your top four friends to be your bridesmaids!”

Me: “I actually already have that list prepared so—wait, four? B-but I just narrowed it down to seven the other day.”

Boyfriend: “Too bad! It’s gotta be four now!”

Me: “I can’t choose! I love them all so much!”

Boyfriend: “Well [Best Friend’s Name] would be your maid of honor right? Just gather the other six in a room and set them all on fire; whoever lives gets to be in the wedding!”

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