Have Reached Critical Flirting

| USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My boyfriend and I play Dungeons and Dragons, a game that involves rolling a 20 sided die. Rolling a 20 is a “critical hit” so you do double damage, but rolling a 1 means you fail automatically.)

Me: “I roll to kiss you!” *rolls imaginary dice* “Nat 20!”

Boyfriend: “I roll to resist!” *rolls imaginary dice* “Oh, no, a natural one!”

Me: *kisses him once* “Oh, wait, I do double damage!” *kisses him again*

Boyfriend: “That was the nerdiest flirting ever.”

Me: “Yeah, but it worked!”

Nurture Versus Terrifying Nature

| USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My boyfriend and I were talking about future children and parenting styles. I am extremely arachnophobic and he is aware of this.)

Boyfriend: “Would you love our kid if they were gay?”

Me: “Of course.”

Boyfriend: “Would you love them if they were an atheist?”

Me: “Sure.”

Boyfriend: “Would you love them if they were an entomologist–” *someone who studies insects* “–with a specialty in arachnids?”

Me: *opens mouth, then slowly closes it and lapses into a long period of silence as he laughs*

Invaded Only Just The Tip

| Waco, TX, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My boyfriend and I are lying in bed one evening when he starts trying to get frisky. Note: though born in the USA, he is very proud of his Irish heritage and is a huge history buff.)

Me: “What’re you doing?”

Boyfriend: “Trying to visit my favorite place.”

Me: “Ireland?”

(I pause to laugh as he rolls his eyes at me before we continue, but after a minute I pause again and look at him.)

Me: “Wait, if my vagina is Ireland, what’s your penis?”

Boyfriend: “Probably Britain, seeing as it’s invading Ireland.”

harassment

Text Vext

| USA | Harassment

(I’m in college at the time of this story. One of my friends has decided to set me up with a guy she knows, despite the fact that I’ve told her I’m NOT ready to date anyone new due to a recent breakup. I explain this to the guy, who says he understands, and offers to buy me coffee “just as friends.” He is very charming, so when he asks if we can get coffee again the next weekend after my finals are over, I agree. Less than 24 hours later, he starts texting me…)

Guy: “So, what are you up to tomorrow?

Me: “Well, I have to work in the morning, and I’ve got a study group in the afternoon for finals, so I’m going to have my phone off all day tomorrow.”

Guy: “No problem! I understand. I’ll talk to you in a couple days!”

(Thinking this is the end of it, I turn my phone off, and keep it off the next day. My study group runs longer than expected, so I don’t get back home until late that afternoon. I turn my phone on and discover 30 texts, all from the guy in question.)

Text #1: “Good morning!”

Text #2: “I know you said that your phone was going to be off, but I still wanted to say good morning.”

Text #3: “Just wanted to see if I could catch you before work!”

Text #4: “I hope everything is OK with you today.”

Text #5: “How is the studying going?”

Text #6: “Is this the study group with mostly guys?”

Text #7: “Are you into any of those guys?”

Text #8: “Are you ignoring me?”

Text #9: “You’re interested in one of those guys!”

Text #10: “If you don’t like me, just say so!”

Text #11: “I never liked you that much anyway!”

(And so on. As I’m ready to turn my phone off again, it rings. It’s him.)

Me: “WHAT?!”

Him: “Oh! So your phone IS on! I knew you—”

Me: “NO! I TALK, YOU LISTEN! I told you my phone was going to be off all day. I turned it on 5 minutes ago and saw 30 texts. 30! We are not in a relationship, we are not dating, so you do not get to be jealous. I told you that we were just friends, and YOU AGREED. I don’t have to tell you where I am going or who I am spending my time with. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!”

Guy: *meekly* “…I’m sorry.”

Me: “You’d better be!”

Guy: “Uh…”

Me: “WHAT?!”

Guy: “Are we still hanging out on Saturday?”

Me: “You’re joking, right?”

A Match Made In Hell

| ON, Canada | Dating

(It’s the 90s and my college is holding an event which includes free blind dates. I get seated at a table with a man I’ve never seen before. I’m a little skeptical of this so I try to be honest.)

Me: “Hello, sir. I’m 23, I pee in the shower, I snore, drool, and fart in my sleep, it will take an hour for me to finish a story that should only be 10 minutes long, and nobody is ever allowed to use my stuff.”

Man: “I’m also 23 years old. I never answer my phone on time, I wake up in the middle of the night several times every night, when I’m sick I will treat you like my slave, I won’t clean up after I shave, and I still don’t know how to peel a banana.”

(We have been married for 20 years now.)

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