Needs To Trump Your Nose

| CO, USA | Marriage & Partners

Me: “Hey, can you grab me a Kleenex? My nose has decided it’s going to run.”

Partner: *handing it to me* “It’d make a better president.”

A Love Worth Belching About

| NC, USA | Engaged

Me: *looking romantically at my fiancé* “How are you so attract—”

Fiancé: *burps in my face*

Me: “—ive”

A Fortunate Proposal

| NY, USA | Proposals

(My boyfriend and I are having dinner with his siblings and some other friends. We’re having Chinese takeout, and afterwards there are fortune cookies. My boyfriend passes them out.)

Brother #1: “Mine says ‘Your future will be happy and productive.’ I hope so!”

Me: “Mine is ‘Believe in yourself, and others will, too.’ I like that.”

Boyfriend: “Wait, what? Let me see yours.”

(He takes my fortune and reads it, then looks in the takeout bag, looking confused.)

Brother #2: “Guys, my fortune says ‘Will you marry me?’ What?”

Boyfriend: “Oh, f***!”

(He leans across the table, snatches the fortune out of Brother #2’s hands and gives it to me.)

Boyfriend: “Well, no one can say I didn’t try.”

(I said yes.)

Socks To Be You

| Indian Orchard, MA, USA | Exes/Old Flames

(My ex is a cop. He drives me up the wall by holding his uniform socks up to the light and peering intently at them to make sure they are the exact same shade of navy blue or black.)

Me: “If someone is close enough to tell the difference, they are too close.”

No Splinter In Their Relationship

| MN, USA | Marriage & Partners

(I’m well known for being extremely clumsy and unlucky. My wife comes home from work around four am. I’m in bed asleep, and roll over to greet her when a sharp pain stabs me between my toes.)

Me: “OW! What in the—”

Wife: “Oh no, what did you do now?”

Me: “Foot, foot, foot, ow—”

Wife: “You… you have a splinter between your toes.”

Me: “What?! It wasn’t there when I went to bed. How did I give myself a splinter in my sleep?!”

Wife: *sighs and gets the tweezers* “I want to say I’m surprised, but honey, you always damage yourself somehow. You’ve been okay lately, so I guess you were due.” *looks at my other foot* “What’s that?”

Me: “What’s what?” *she pokes the top of my foot and I howl in pain* “WHAT DID YOU DO?!”

Wife: “Oh-kay. Time to call a doctor!”

(I had a cyst on my other foot that was also on my tendon. I wound up needing surgery to remove it. Love hurts!)

Page 1/67612345...Last