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Toll-Free Escorts

| Williamsport, PA, USA | Engaged

(My fiancée often jokes that when she’s away visiting family or friends, I’m living it up with hookers back home. Because of this, I rig my cell phone with a questionable contact. When my beloved reactivates a phone and realizes it was missing many contacts, I handed her my phone without a second thought.)

Fiancée: “What the h***?!”

Me: “What? What’s wrong?”

Fiancée: “’Silk Escorts’?! What’s that?”

Me: *I start laughing hysterically* “Whoops. Forgot about that.”

Fiancée: “I thought the hookers were a joke!”

Me: *still laughing* “Call it.”

Fiancée: “Call it?”

Me: “Yes, call it.”

Fiancée: *she does so, and after listening for a minute…* “Really?”

Me: “Yup. It’s the phone number to the toll-free directory.”

Fiancée: *laughing* “I hate you so much right now.”

Me: “Your laughter says otherwise. You love me.”

Fiancée: “Yes, I do, but I’m starting to forget why.”

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You So Finey

| USA | Marriage & Partners

(I am sitting next to my wife, telling her how hot she is.)

Me: “You have a very sexy butt.”

Wife: “I don’t have a sexy behind.”

Me: “Oh yes, you have a very sexy behiny… whiny… behiny-whiny… Yes, when we’re in bed, I whiny for your behiny…”

Wife: “…”

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Bad Beer-havior

| Chapel Hill, NC, USA | Exes/Old Flames

(I’m staying a couple nights at a house where several of my friends live, and a bunch of our friends hang out to play tabletop and card games. On this night, we’re all drinking and hanging out, and my ex, who I am still good friends with, is hanging out with us. I get up to get myself another drink. Note that we all pick on each other and I am really good at making Ex nervous that I am angry with him.)

Me: “I need another beer.”

Ex: *not looking up from his cards* “Get me one, too.”

(I stop and stare at him until he looks up at me. I pretend to be offended at the order.)

Me: “You wanna try that again?”

Ex: “I mean, can you grab me one, too, please?”

Me: “That is not my job anymore. Anyone who is not [Ex] want a beer?”

(Two of the guys said they would like a beer, so I went to the kitchen and grabbed three beers, distributing them accordingly. My ex/friend got up to get himself another beer and we all had a laugh at him. Later, to make sure he knew I was not actually angry, I grabbed him a beer while getting one for myself. Even nearly two years after breaking up, it is still so easy to scare him like that.)

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