Hold Your Breath

| San Francisco, CA, USA | Family/Kids

(In the middle of the night, my significant other suddenly decides we needed to “get it on.” Now, normally we carefully lock and close the bedroom door since we have kids, but we figure it is the middle of the night and they are asleep. We are getting hot and heavy when a tiny head pops through the doorway and yells:)

Kid: “If you keep breathing like that you will run out of breath and have to go to the hospital!”

(We finished, but only after much laughter, and closing the door.)

That’s Why I’m Inviting Him

| Australia | Engaged

(My fiancé and I are writing a list of potential guests to our wedding. He has decided to write his own list with his copious amounts of work friends, and is reading it aloud as he types.)

Fiancé: “[First Name] [Last name].”

Me: “What? He doesn’t even like you does he?!”

Fiancé: “Of course not.”

(I couldn’t help but burst out laughing.)

You Probably Don’t Want To Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is

| Canada | Advice, Dating

(My boyfriend works at his family’s business, which happens to be a very well-known business in our city and is simply known by the family surname. I am hanging out with my best friend and her husband when the topic of work comes up.)

Husband: “So where does [Boyfriend] work?”

Me: “At [Business]… He’s a [Surname].”

Husband: “[Business]? Great, another one just marrying the money!”

Best Friend: “Hey! She is not marrying money!”

Me: *thinking my friend is sticking up for me* “Thank you!”

Best Friend: “…She’s just f***ing the money!”

Me: “…”

Number One Favorite Drink

| Saskatoon, SK, Canada | Marriage & Partners

Me: “I have to pee; do you want some lemonade?”

Wife: “…You might want to consider rephrasing that.”

John McClane, We Have A Problem

| Orem, UT, USA | Marriage & Partners

(My husband is a big movie buff, so at goodly portion of our conversations involve movie quotes, and we have a huge – and ever increasing – movie collection. He’s browsing Amazon’s daily Blu-ray sales.)

Husband: “Hey, Apollo 13 has a 20th Anniversary Edition out.”

Me: “20th? No way, it only came out in… Wow. Never mind. I’m just going to sit here and feel old now.”

(As he’s six years older than me, he gives me a pointed look.)

Me: “You know what I mean! It just suddenly hit home that I’m well and truly in my 30s.”

Husband: “Understood. I could always quote Die Hard, if you want.”

Me: “Oh?”

Husband: “Welcome to the party, pal.”

Me: “Yipee-ki-yay, mother-f*****!”

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