Married To A Yes-Man

| Warrington, England, UK | Marriage & Partners

(Two of my coworkers married many years before I joined the company. They don’t both work in the same department, so one will often call by the other’s desk to talk rather than using the internal phone. One day, I overhear the following:)

Wife: “What do you want for dinner tonight…? Or, actually, I mean, ‘do you want to go out for dinner tonight or are you cooking?’”

Husband: “Yes.”

Wife: “’Yes’ is not an acceptable answer, dear.”

Husband: “Yes.”

Love Comes In All Shapes And Guises

| San Jose, CA, USA | Advice

(My best friend at work and I have been with our respective partners for years. Somehow we get on the topic of relationship milestones.)

Me: “Yeah, the first time [Boyfriend] told me he loved me was after we’d spent about six weeks together… He got super drunk on Halloween when we were hanging out with a friend, called another of our friends asking him to come over so he could ‘talk about his feelings,’ cried a lot, and rambled on for about five minutes about how he loved me and he knew I was it right away. And the next morning, he didn’t remember any of it.”

Friend: “Did the friend come?”

Me:Yes. So we all happily told him about how hilariously sloppy drunk he was the next day. We mutually agreed to not acknowledge he said it because it was way too early and weird. Though now it’s what, seven years later? So I guess it turned out okay.”

Friend: “Yeah… That might be almost as bad as the first time I told [Girlfriend] I loved her. It was in a letter.”

Me: “What’s wrong with that?”

Friend: “That I sent from jail.”

Me: *laughs* “I’m so proud of you.”

Friend: “I mean, she’d said it before! It just took me a long time to come around to saying it, but… I wasn’t home to say it to her in person.”

Me: “If it helps, the second time [Boyfriend] told me he loved me was also an accident. We were talking on the phone which we almost never do, and when he went to hang up his mouth went on autopilot and he said ‘Love you, Mom!'”

Friend: *cracks up* “Okay, now I think he wins.”

Selfishness In Bloom

| Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Advice

(When my then-boyfriend, now-husband were dating, he sent me a beautiful bouquet of roses for our first Valentine’s Day. They were delivered to my office, and this happened.)

Coworker: “Nice flowers.”

Me: “Thanks!”

Coworker: “You know… [Other Coworker] didn’t get any flowers for Valentine’s Day. She hinted and hinted, but her husband didn’t send her any.”

Me: “Oh. That’s too bad.”

Coworker: “So…” *gives me expectant look*

Me: “Yes…?”

Coworker: “So, you should give her some of yours.”

Me: “What? I’m not going to do that.”

Coworker: “Why not? You’ve got so many! You won’t miss them, and they’ll make her happy.”

Me: “Because they’re MY flowers. If you want her to have some, buy her some yourself.”

Coworker: “I can’t believe you’re being so selfish!”

Dealt With It Single-Handedly

| Vancouver, BC, Canada | Flirting

(I am a receptionist at a busy insurance brokerage in downtown Vancouver. For the previous three years, I’d get a random obscene phone call in February. It seemed to me that someone was going alphabetically through a phone book and dialing random businesses, and February was when he got to me. It was getting annoying. One day I answer the phone:)

Me: “Good afternoon, [Insurance Broker]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Guess what I’m holding in my hand?”

Me: “If you only need one hand I’m not interested.”

Caller: “…” *click*

Totally Crushing This Penpal Thing

| London, England, UK | Crush

(At work, I am getting to know a new colleague who has an unusual accent.)

Me: “I can’t quite place your accent. Where are you from?”

Colleague: “It’s [Town several hundred miles away, on the other side of the country].”

Me: “Oh, right. I once had a penpal from [town 10 miles from his Town].”

Colleague: “I grew up there! What part of town is she in?”

Me: “I don’t really know. It’s [Road], if that helps.”

Colleague: *turning pale* “Oh, my god. What’s her name?”

Me: “[Penpal].”

Colleague: “You have got to be kidding me. [Penpal]! She was my first crush! Lived three doors down. I will NEVER forget [Penpal]!”

(He spent the rest of the shift smiling dreamily at the wall and murmuring my ex-penpal’s name!)

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