Dealt With It Single-Handedly

| Vancouver, BC, Canada | Flirting

(I am a receptionist at a busy insurance brokerage in downtown Vancouver. For the previous three years, I’d get a random obscene phone call in February. It seemed to me that someone was going alphabetically through a phone book and dialing random businesses, and February was when he got to me. It was getting annoying. One day I answer the phone:)

Me: “Good afternoon, [Insurance Broker]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Guess what I’m holding in my hand?”

Me: “If you only need one hand I’m not interested.”

Caller: “…” *click*


Totally Crushing This Penpal Thing

| London, England, UK | Crush

(At work, I am getting to know a new colleague who has an unusual accent.)

Me: “I can’t quite place your accent. Where are you from?”

Colleague: “It’s [Town several hundred miles away, on the other side of the country].”

Me: “Oh, right. I once had a penpal from [town 10 miles from his Town].”

Colleague: “I grew up there! What part of town is she in?”

Me: “I don’t really know. It’s [Road], if that helps.”

Colleague: *turning pale* “Oh, my god. What’s her name?”

Me: “[Penpal].”

Colleague: “You have got to be kidding me. [Penpal]! She was my first crush! Lived three doors down. I will NEVER forget [Penpal]!”

(He spent the rest of the shift smiling dreamily at the wall and murmuring my ex-penpal’s name!)


A Common Excuse

, | WA, USA | Marriage & Partners

(My job occasionally requires me to travel. I don’t like it, and neither does my partner, but I do what I must. I have just gotten news that I’ll be out of state for nearly a week.)

Partner: “Okay, so, tell your boss this. We’ve been together for almost six years, which makes you my common-law wife, so that makes you my property, and I say you can’t go.”

Me: *laughing* “I have to stay and be barefoot in the kitchen, right?”

Partner: “Exactly!”

(The next day, I actually do try this line of reasoning on my boss, who is pretty laid-back.)

Boss: “Nice try. Washington doesn’t have common-law laws. Enjoy Texas.”


Very Coinci-dense

| Kitchener, ON, Canada | Marriage & Partners

Coworker: “Yo, I have the biggest coincidence in the world!”

Me: “Oh, yeah? What’s that?”

Coworker: “Okay, listen… My parents got married on the same day, at the same time, in the same place, and in front of the same people! How much of a coincidence is that?!”

Me: “Uh… they married each other, right?”

Coworker: “Yeah! Weird, right? Isn’t that like the biggest coincidence?”

Me: “You’re a special panda…”


Who Said Love Is Dead(pool)?

| Hingham, MA, USA | Advice, Marriage & Partners, Popular

(It’s St. Valentine’s Day, a holiday which my wife hates. I order flowers for her online to be delivered to her office.)

Coworker: “Hey, [Wife], it’s so sweet that your husband got you flowers for Valentine’s Day.”

Wife: “They aren’t for Valentine’s Day.”

Coworker: “They aren’t?”

Wife: “Nope.”

Coworker: “So what does that card say?”

Wife: “Happy Deadpool Premiere Day.”

Coworker: “You two have to be the biggest geeks I’ve ever met.”

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