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Penetrative Money Issues

| San Francisco, CA, USA | Marriage & Partners

(My wife and I have just finished making a purchase at a store and are walking out to the car.)

Wife: “I know they give added security, but I don’t like the new credit-card readers where you have to put the card in chip-side first. It’s awkward.”

Me: “What?”

Wife: “It seems… I dunno, invasive.”

Me: “Oh, yeah, I see what you’re saying. Because you can’t just swipe it anymore.”

Wife: “You have to, like, stick it in.”

Me: “You’re not just giving it an unwanted caress; you’re actually, what, penetrating it?”

Wife: “Exactly! Maybe it’s uncomfortable for the credit-card reader.”

Me: “We didn’t get its consent first.”

Wife: “Yeah, how would YOU feel if someone just walked up to you and stuck their credit card in without asking.”

(We have reached our car by now and are getting into it.)

Me: “You know… I suddenly understand why some people describe us Californians as ‘bleeding-heart liberals.’”

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Time To Start A Relationship With A New Laptop

| PA, USA | Fights/Breakups, Popular

(I work in a computer store.)

Me: “Okay, so, what seems to be the problem with your laptop?”

Customer: “It won’t turn on and it smells like burnt plastic for some reason. I think the motherboard is fried.”

Me: “Let me take a look at it.”

(He removes it from the box and I am horrified to find that it appears to have been smashed and set on fire.)

Me: “So… a little fried, huh?”

Customer: “Yeah… my girlfriend and I broke up a week ago. So, can you fix it or do I have to buy a new one?”

(On the plus side, I made a sale that day.)

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At The Checkout For An Age(gap)

| Washington, DC, USA | Dating, Flirting, Popular

(I am the cashier. A tall, handsome young man who looks to be in his 20s and an older woman approach. I make an assumption.)

Me: “Hi, did you and your son find everything?”

(She looks surprised, and then grins. The guy looks stricken.)

Woman: *laughs* “This one isn’t my son, although I’m old enough to be!”

Man: *to her* “No, you’re not!”

Woman: “I’m more like the honorary auntie.”

(If possible, the guy looks more upset. She doesn’t seem to notice and puts her things down on the belt.)

Woman: *insistent* “No, you’re not!”

(She finally looks up at her companion.)

Woman: “I’m not?”

(She’s facing him, so he takes hold of her upper arms, draws her up, and kisses her right on the mouth. She’s so stunned, she can’t even speak. She just stands there staring at him. The customers behind them are snickering.)

Me: *stage-whispering to the man* “I think she’s stunned.”

Man: *grinning*I took her voice, huh? I should give it back then.”

(He kisses her again and after, she blushes bright red.)

Woman: “Are you crazy? Your mother is going to kill me!”

Man: “You think she doesn’t know? Who do you think told me to go for it?”

Me: “It’s [price].”

(She looks confused, and then blinks.)

Woman: “Oh! Right… the stuff. Here. This has turned into a very weird day.”

(I hand her the bag, but she doesn’t move. The guy starts to leave, then comes back, and leads her out of the store.)

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A Lousy Example Of A Man

| DE, USA | Flirting, LGBTQ, Popular

(I have just come out as transgender and aside from my really short hair, I still look and sound very feminine, even though I am a man. This happened at the end of a transaction while I was working the register.)

Customer: “You know, you’re pretty hot. What time do you get off?”

Me: “I’m not interested, sir.”

Customer: “Whatever. You look like a man, anyway.”

Me: *cheerfully* “Thank you! I’m trying!”

(He looked at me strangely and walked away with his purchases while I could hear both my manager and one of my coworkers cracking up from somewhere nearby.)

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That’s Not How It Goes In The Movies

| USA | Fights/Breakups, Flirting, Popular

(I promote foods and other goods in a big box retail store. I’m currently promoting a movie and selling tickets when this horrible conversation happens.)

Me: “Would you like to buy [Movie] tickets?

Guy: “Can I take you?”

Me: “Oh. Sorry, sir. I’m happily married.”

Guy: “That’s not what I asked you, b****.”

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