The Gift Of A Good Comeback

| Los Angeles, CA, USA | Harassment

(I work at an upscale fragrance shop.)

Man: “How much for this gift box of perfume?”

Me: “It’s [price].”

Man: “D***, I don’t even like her that much. Okay, how much do YOU cost?” *grins sickeningly*

(I’m rendered speechless for a moment, before looking down and noticing something he and I have in common.)

Me: “The price of both my divorce proceedings and yours, seeing as we’re both married.” *I hold up my hand with my wedding ring, then point to his own wedding ring* “Plus child support payments for my kid, yours if you have any, and tax.”

Man: “F****** h***, you really are operating highway robbery here!”

(He grudgingly paid for his purchase then walked out grumbling how his wife still wasn’t worth the price of the gift.)


It Trilby For The Best

| WA, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My girlfriend and I are at a boutique, looking at hats. We have been dating for years.)

Girlfriend: “Ew, I hate trilbies!”

Me: “I don’t like them, but I guess I would love you even if you wore them.”

Girlfriend: “I can’t trust someone who loves me that irrationally. I’m breaking up with you.”


Think’s You’re A Ho Ho Ho

| Grandville, MI, USA | Harassment

(I am female, and I work at an anchor store at an area mall one Christmas. I work in the children’s department, and have just grabbed an armful of clothes from the changing room to put back on the sales floor. As I’m replacing items, I see a taller man looking at t-shirts for boys.)

Me: “Hello! Have you found everything you need?”

Customer: *looks at me* “I have now.”


Penetrative Money Issues

| San Francisco, CA, USA | Marriage & Partners

(My wife and I have just finished making a purchase at a store and are walking out to the car.)

Wife: “I know they give added security, but I don’t like the new credit-card readers where you have to put the card in chip-side first. It’s awkward.”

Me: “What?”

Wife: “It seems… I dunno, invasive.”

Me: “Oh, yeah, I see what you’re saying. Because you can’t just swipe it anymore.”

Wife: “You have to, like, stick it in.”

Me: “You’re not just giving it an unwanted caress; you’re actually, what, penetrating it?”

Wife: “Exactly! Maybe it’s uncomfortable for the credit-card reader.”

Me: “We didn’t get its consent first.”

Wife: “Yeah, how would YOU feel if someone just walked up to you and stuck their credit card in without asking.”

(We have reached our car by now and are getting into it.)

Me: “You know… I suddenly understand why some people describe us Californians as ‘bleeding-heart liberals.’”


Time To Start A Relationship With A New Laptop

| PA, USA | Fights/Breakups, Popular

(I work in a computer store.)

Me: “Okay, so, what seems to be the problem with your laptop?”

Customer: “It won’t turn on and it smells like burnt plastic for some reason. I think the motherboard is fried.”

Me: “Let me take a look at it.”

(He removes it from the box and I am horrified to find that it appears to have been smashed and set on fire.)

Me: “So… a little fried, huh?”

Customer: “Yeah… my girlfriend and I broke up a week ago. So, can you fix it or do I have to buy a new one?”

(On the plus side, I made a sale that day.)

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