How To Start Fires

| NC, USA | Marriage & Partners

(My husband and I go to our local dollar store. I point out a spot close to the front of the store.)

Husband: “I can’t park there. It’s for the Fire Department.”

(He finds a spot farther away. I ponder this for a moment.)

Me: “FD only does not mean Fire Department. It means Family Dollar only. Thanks for the walk!”

How I Met My Dinosaur

| USA | Flirting/How We Met, Popular

(I am shopping for my sister’s newborn baby with my two-year-old niece. I have gone to a large franchise store on Black Friday because they have the cutest things for babies, which is in the back of the store. I am getting bumped into and my niece is falling and tripping on rushing people as I try to make it to the baby section.)

Me: “Excuse me! Pardon me! Sorry, coming through! Excuse me!”

(A random man comes running through the crowd heading right for the people hitting and bumping me and my niece.)

Man: *making dinosaur noises* “RAWWWWWRRRRRRR! Move out the way!” *runs up to me* “Come on, we need to get you through! Where are you going?”

Me: “The baby section!”

(He started running through the crowd to the baby section. He walked with me all through the time I was there. When I got to the register he gave me his number and walked off… and that’s how I met my husband and father of my children.)

Talking The Same Language

| TAS, Australia | Marriage & Partners

(A customer comes up to the counter, having a mild disagreement with his wife.)

Customer: *jokingly to me* “Tell me, how do you deal with women?!”

Me: “By talking to them, usually.”

Customer’s Wife: “Thank you.”

Renovating Their Bedroom (Habits)

, | Burnaby, BC, Canada | Flirting/How We Met

(I am the only female employee (but also the most knowledgeable) in the tool department. Over the past two weeks a middle aged couple has come in several times for help with a home improvement project. After our first interaction they were so impressed with me they would seek me out, ignoring other associates altogether. This was the third time I have seen them this week and they have waited patiently for 10 minutes while I finish up with another customer.)

Me: “Hi! How are you two today? How’s the bathroom reno going?”

Female Customer: “Oh, just great, thanks to you! We would be so behind if we hadn’t had your help!”

Male Customer: “That’s right; you’re such a sweet girl. We wanted to ask you one last thing.”

Me: “Okay. Do you need a recommendation for a plumber like we talked about?”

(They look at each other and smile.)

Female Customer: “Actually, it’s been so nice getting to know you we were wondering if you would be interested in joining us in the bedroom.”

Me: *sure I misunderstood the request* “Um, you mean you’d like to make some improvements to your bedroom next?”

Male Customer: *laughs* “No, dear. We’d like to have a threesome with you. Or a foursome if your partner would like to join us, as well.”

(I stand there in complete stunned silence for a moment.)

Female Customer: *to her husband* “I told you this was a bad idea. We’ve scared her half to death.” *to me* “I’m so sorry, dear. I hope this doesn’t change the way you see us. It’s just so difficult to find people you get along with and trust!”

(At that point I just walked away, unable to think of any kind of response to such an inappropriate request. They left right away and I never saw them again, thank the stars!)

Pimp My Joke, Part 2

| PA, USA | Dating

(We are at a store, and the cashier forgets to ring up a bag of cookies.)

Me: “I’ll pay for it.”

Boyfriend: “No, I have cash.”

(He pulls out a ten dollar bill and gives it to the cashier.)

Me: “Can I have any dollar bills from that for the bus?”

Boyfriend: “You can have all of the change.”

(He hands me a five dollar bill and a one dollar bill.)

Me: “Awww, thanks!”

(A pause.)

Boyfriend: *running out the door* “I have to pay you somehow!”

(The cashier looks at me with a very amused and bewildered look.)

Me: “…I’m going to kill him when we get home.”

Related:
Pimp My Joke

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