Can’t Take That Bach

| ON, Canada | Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Punny

(My boyfriend and I are at school and he is packing up his locker, looking for a specific music book.)

Me: “Ready to go?”

Boyfriend: “Just a minute… Found it!” *pulls out Bach music book*

Me: *giant grin* “Soooo… you couldn’t find that book at first, right?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah?”

Me: “So it was lost… And now it’s Bach?”


Hopefully They’ll All Die Out One Day

| CA, USA | Harassment

(I am out jogging when I stop in front of a middle school to take a breather. There’s a rather attractive young girl folding origami while she waits for her ride home.)

Boy: *sitting next to her* “Hey, baby, what else can you do with your hands?”

Girl: *a little weirded out, starts putting away origami* “Lotsa things, I guess…”

Boy: “Wanna know what I can do with my hands? Squeeze the t*ts of a sexy babe like you.”

Girl: *starts clapping and bouncing up and down* “Yes! I need a picture! I’ve finally found Homo Sapien es F**kboy, trying and failing to get a girlfriend!”

Boy: “What…?”

Girl: *takes a picture of the boy, flounces away to car*

(More girls like this, please!)


Present Company Not Accepted

| ME, USA | Dating, Popular

(My girlfriend and I and a couple of our friends are sitting together at lunch. Somehow we’re discussing my past relationships. My ex-boyfriend broke up with me upon realizing he was gay. I’m a girl.)

Me: “I’ve only dated two people!”

Girlfriend: “Yeah, and one of them was gay!”

Me: “Well, technically…”


Flirting Technique Needs (Home)Work

| Staten Island, NY, USA | Popular, Young Love

(I am picking my two sons, aged six and eight, from school. My eight-year-old is talking to a girl from his class.)

Girl: *to my eight-year-old* “Let’s exchange phone numbers. I’ll give you my number; you give me yours.”

Eight-Year-Old: “Why would I wanna do that?”

Girl: “You can call me if you need help with homework.”

Eight-Year-Old: “Nah. Dad checks my homework.”

Girl: “Here’s my number.” *the girl obviously didn’t hear a word my boy said, and hands him a small piece of paper* “What’s your number?”

Eight-Year-Old: “My mom won’t get me my own phone. You’re gonna have to buy me a phone so I can give you my number.”

Girl: “Oh, bummer.”

(They say goodbye and then I walk my sons to the car…)

Six-Year-Old: “You could’ve just given her our home number.”

Eight-Year-Old: “She wants to exchange numbers because I might need help with homework. Seriously? She knows I’m Student of the Month in our class.”

Six-Year-Old: “You mean she’s lying.”

Eight-Year-Old: “She just wants to call me.”

(My smooth criminal. I don’t know whether to be worried or amused. And he’s only eight!)


I Love You Tso Much

| Waterloo, ON, Canada | Flirting, Popular

(I had gone to lunch with some friends one day before class. I was talking with one of those friends after class.)

Friend: “So what did you think of the Chinese place we went to for lunch?”

Me: “It was all right. I like [Other Chinese Restaurant] better, though.”

Friend: “That’s just because we went there so often in high school.”

Me: “Well, yes, but it’s not just that. Their sweet and sour chicken is better. Their General Tso chicken was better.”

Friend: “Okay, that’s not fair! You were thinking about the other restaurant while you were eating there! You were cheating on the restaurant!”

Me: “Cheating on the restaurant? When was I in a relationship with the restaurant?”

Friend: “Don’t deny it! You saw the way that waiter looked at you! He knew!”

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