Can’t Stop The Feeling Of Divorce

| Ottawa, ON, Canada | Divorce, Marriage & Partners

Me: “By the way, I downloaded Trolls soundtrack, in case you want to put it on your phone.”

Husband: “I want a divorce.”


I Name Thee Creep

| NJ, USA | Harassment

(A couple of my friends are having a dispute with two other folks. Apparently I’m the official “negotiator/moderator” of our circle of friends, so I get invited onto their IRC group to settle it out. My online handle is a gender-neutral nickname, but admittedly it’s often used by females. About 10 seconds after logging in, I get a private message.)

Stranger: “Hey!”

Me: “Hi?”

Stranger: “Long time no see!”

Me: “Sorry, I must have taken someone else’s name; this is my first time on this server.”

Stranger: “You sure? It’s the exact same name.”

Me: “I’m sure; it’s not exactly a rare name. I also don’t want to talk. I’m here to settle an argument between some friends.”

Stranger: “Well, why not?”

Me: “Because I literally just said why.”

Stranger: “Well, you should talk anyway.” *then immediately another message* “36M. Married, BTW.”

Me: “That’s nice. Don’t care.”

Stranger: “You should! I’m a nice guy! I’m not trying to be a creep. I’m just making friends! Hey, you should come by my channel, and talk to my other friends, too!”

Me: “So if you’re not being creepy or hitting on me, the fact that I’m male and just have a gender neutral nickname shouldn’t matter, right? Oh, and should I invite my boyfriend along, too?”

(Stunningly, he stopped messaging me! So much for not being a creep. Went on the /ignore list anyway just to be safe.)

Carefully Worded

| Dubai, UAE | Marriage & Partners

(My husband has just called his parents to tell them that we are expecting our first baby. He texts me afterwards.)

Husband: “I just told my parents you’re pregnant.”

Me: “And? What did they say?”

Husband: “They said congratulations and that you should take care of yourself.”

Me: *jokingly* “Sure they said I should take care of myself and not you should take care of me?”

Husband: “Yeah, they don’t have much faith in me…”

Me: *laughing uncontrollably*

I Think I Love You But I Can’t Put My Finger On It

| MO, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My girlfriend and I have been dating for nearly four years. We’re juniors in high school, and chatting over text on fruit-related tablets. She’s scolding me for eating nearly nothing but candy all Christmas Day, when this transpires.)

Girlfriend: “I can’t send you a middle finger emoticon, but here’s a bird. It’s the closest I’ve got.” *sends a bird face in the message*

Me: *has the latest update, which has a middle finger emoticon* “Here you go!” *includes emoticon*

Girlfriend: “I don’t have anything. What did you try to send me?”

Me: “Oh, well in [Newest update], there’s a middle finger emoticon, like you asked for. I was giving it to you. As your boyfriend, it’s my duty not only to acknowledge my stupidity, but to assist in its discipline.”

Girlfriend: “…is this just an excuse to flip me off?”

Me: “No, no! If I was gonna flip you off, I’d just send a picture of myself doing it. I’m nice like that.”

Girlfriend: “Sure…”

Me: “Looove you!”

(She responded in kind, of course. We couldn’t be more mean to each other, or more perfect together!)

How Angelina Jolie Orders Takeout

| Ireland | Marriage & Partners

(My husband is rarely home from work at a consistent time, so he messages to let me know when to expect him. Our baby daughter woke up early from a nap in the middle of this exchange…)

Husband: “All going well. Be home around 18:15.”

Me: “Okay. What you wanna do for dinner?”

Husband: “Be lazy and get takeout?”

Me: “I love you.”

Husband: “I love me, too. Have a think of what you’d like.”

Me: *noticing daughter* “A well-rested baby…”

Husband: “Indian or Chinese well-rested baby?”

Me: “Quarter pounder well-rested drive-thru baby.”


Me: “With extra cheese.”

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