Only Airbenders Get Flying Bison

| Boston, MA, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My boyfriend is from the UK, while I’m from the US. Consequently, we have the occasional cultural difference. After a couple years I think we’ve ironed everything out, and then this happens.)

Boyfriend: “So bison and buffalo are the same thing?”

Me: “No, but close enough.”

Boyfriend: “But, tell me, where do the wings come into all this?”

Me: “From Buffalo, New York.”

Boyfriend: “Huh? So what are they made of? The wings?”

Me: “Chicken!”

Boyfriend: “They ARE wings, right?”

Me: “They’re wings!”

Boyfriend: “Phew. At least one thing was true.”

Me: “Why, what did you think was the case?”

Boyfriend: “That they were made of buffalo, but they weren’t wings because buffalo don’t have wings…”


You Suck At Being Exes

| Exes/Old Flames

(My ex and I still talk on rare occasions and we’re somewhere between cordial and friendly.)

Ex: “You suck.”

Me: “Not you, though.”

Ex: “That was a good one… I’ll take the burn.”


God Has A Sense Of Humor, Just Not This One

| USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My boyfriend and I live on opposite sides of the world and have successfully kept it together for four years like this. He has just woken up and I am passing out but we decide to talk for a bit before carrying on with our day and night.)

Boyfriend: “God made some pretty amazing things.”

Me: “I could do better! I would make a creature absolutely covered in clitorises!”

Boyfriend: “But… all over? They would be out in the elements… It’s like, they would age faster and get all… all…”

Me: “Calloused?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah!”

Me: “Then they need to be constantly producing an ooze to keep all nice and smooth and healthy…”

Boyfriend: “[My Name], that’s…”

Me: “And it has to be a beast of burden! So when anyone gets on its back to go for a ride it starts going all Ohhh! Aaah! Oh! Uhh!”

Boyfriend: *stifling a laugh* “This is why you are not God. You are a cruel beast for even thinking that poor creature up! Think of its life!”

Me: “Perpetual orgasmic bliss?”

Boyfriend: “It’d be torture…”

Me: “You don’t like my Clitoris Monster?”


Extra Mouthy

| FL, USA | Exes/Old Flames

(I am texting my ex and we are getting a bit gushy, when I suddenly get these set of texts from him:)

Ex: “I really, really want…”

Ex: “…to punch you in the mouth…”

Me: “…um?”

Ex: “With my mouth!”

Me: “Oh! Oh okay that’s a lot less violent. You probably should have done that all together.”

Ex: “D*** it! I had hoped it’d send quickly enough!”


Trying To Occulus Reparo The Relationship

| USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Popular

(My girlfriend and I have been together for around two years now. We both are EXTREME nerds and love anything to do with ‘Harry Potter,’ ‘Star Wars,’ and the like. This takes place over text at about 2:30 in the morning. I have messy black hair and emerald eyes; this makes me look extremely like Harry Potter.)

Me: “Hey, babe?”

Girlfriend: “What?”

Me: “I’m thinking of getting glasses instead of wearing my contacts. These are just a pain to put in.”

Girlfriend: “I swear to god, if you don’t get glasses that make you look more like Harry Potter, I’m leaving you.”

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