Carefully Worded

| Dubai, UAE | Marriage & Partners

(My husband has just called his parents to tell them that we are expecting our first baby. He texts me afterwards.)

Husband: “I just told my parents you’re pregnant.”

Me: “And? What did they say?”

Husband: “They said congratulations and that you should take care of yourself.”

Me: *jokingly* “Sure they said I should take care of myself and not you should take care of me?”

Husband: “Yeah, they don’t have much faith in me…”

Me: *laughing uncontrollably*

I Think I Love You But I Can’t Put My Finger On It

| MO, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My girlfriend and I have been dating for nearly four years. We’re juniors in high school, and chatting over text on fruit-related tablets. She’s scolding me for eating nearly nothing but candy all Christmas Day, when this transpires.)

Girlfriend: “I can’t send you a middle finger emoticon, but here’s a bird. It’s the closest I’ve got.” *sends a bird face in the message*

Me: *has the latest update, which has a middle finger emoticon* “Here you go!” *includes emoticon*

Girlfriend: “I don’t have anything. What did you try to send me?”

Me: “Oh, well in [Newest update], there’s a middle finger emoticon, like you asked for. I was giving it to you. As your boyfriend, it’s my duty not only to acknowledge my stupidity, but to assist in its discipline.”

Girlfriend: “…is this just an excuse to flip me off?”

Me: “No, no! If I was gonna flip you off, I’d just send a picture of myself doing it. I’m nice like that.”

Girlfriend: “Sure…”

Me: “Looove you!”

(She responded in kind, of course. We couldn’t be more mean to each other, or more perfect together!)

How Angelina Jolie Orders Takeout

| Ireland | Marriage & Partners

(My husband is rarely home from work at a consistent time, so he messages to let me know when to expect him. Our baby daughter woke up early from a nap in the middle of this exchange…)

Husband: “All going well. Be home around 18:15.”

Me: “Okay. What you wanna do for dinner?”

Husband: “Be lazy and get takeout?”

Me: “I love you.”

Husband: “I love me, too. Have a think of what you’d like.”

Me: *noticing daughter* “A well-rested baby…”

Husband: “Indian or Chinese well-rested baby?”

Me: “Quarter pounder well-rested drive-thru baby.”

(Pause.)

Me: “With extra cheese.”

Try Some Kentucky-Fried-Orc

| NM, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(I’ve just started playing a new D&D campaign with some friends, and I’m trying to develop a ‘character voice’. My character is a woman, like me, but I’m still having trouble coming up with something that is distinct from my own voice but not sounding like a caricature, so I’m venting to my girlfriend.)

Me: “Ugh, this is so hard. I have like a million times more respect for voice actors now.”

Girlfriend: “Just go the [Well-Known Podcaster] route: your regular voice, just slightly lower.”

Me: “I’m trying all the ways. Higher, lower, something that turned into a weird Southern accent somehow.”

Girlfriend: “Oh, my god, babe, you gotta use that one!”

Me: “Listen, I don’t know where exactly [Character] is from on account of our DM throwing that weird amnesia plotline at us, but I’m pretty sure it’s not Fantasy Georgia.”

Girlfriend: “You’re right.” *pause* “It’s Fantasy Texas.”

I Can Text In My Sleep

| NC, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My girlfriend and I have been dating for about five months, and we live in different states at the moment. I always wake her up with a “good morning” text. This happens:)

Me: *over text* “Morning, babe. Hope you’re feeling a little better today. I just got up. Text me when you get the chance, all right? I love you.”

Girlfriend: *about ten minutes later* “, b v”, “w”, “whybfo you taoe thr bunny”

Me: “Sorry, what?”

(She fails to respond:)

Girlfriend: *two hours later* “Hi, babe. I just woke up!”

(She had been having a dream about a bunny and somehow unlocked her phone and texted me for about ten minutes.)

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