I Can Text In My Sleep

| NC, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My girlfriend and I have been dating for about five months, and we live in different states at the moment. I always wake her up with a “good morning” text. This happens:)

Me: *over text* “Morning, babe. Hope you’re feeling a little better today. I just got up. Text me when you get the chance, all right? I love you.”

Girlfriend: *about ten minutes later* “, b v”, “w”, “whybfo you taoe thr bunny”

Me: “Sorry, what?”

(She fails to respond:)

Girlfriend: *two hours later* “Hi, babe. I just woke up!”

(She had been having a dream about a bunny and somehow unlocked her phone and texted me for about ten minutes.)


It’s Nothing Special

| MO, USA | Marriage & Partners

(I’m chatting online with my husband, who is at work, about the chores I’m doing at home today.)

Me: “Box is outside in sun, sprayed down with purification oil and water. Hoping to de-must a bit.”

Husband: “Purification oil?”

Me: “[Friend] left me some purification oil when we were making bug spray a few months back. It’s an essential oil blend.”

Me: “It’s not some weird blessing I’m putting on the box.”

Husband: “What’s it got in it?”

Me: *after checking the bottle and coming up with no info* “Oil.”

Husband: “Essential oils of which things?”

Me: “Plants.”

Husband: “So you don’t know which ones?”

Me: “Special plants?”

Husband: “All plants are special.”

Me: “That’s just another way of saying none of them are.”


Putting The ‘D’ In DnD

| TN, USA | Harassment

(I’m in a DnD group using a system called Gurps. I recently joined a new game where we play monster hunters. I don’t know anyone aside from the DM and a guy I’d played a previous campaign with. On week one, we all introduce ourselves. Week two, we start. On week three, two days after game, a guy messages me and the chat goes like this. Keep in mind I’ve told everyone in the game that I am a happily married woman.)

Guy: “One of these days, I gotta catch you and start the typical weirdo male conversation stuff.”

Me: “What do you mean by that? I’m online. I’ve just been lurking a lot.”

Guy: “I think you know what I mean!”

Me: “No… I don’t.”

Guy: “I almost want to get in an endless loop of ‘Oh, you know’ but a ‘wink wink, nudge nudge’ may give it away.”

Me: “Are you hitting on me?”

Guy: “I think I’m too freaky for that exactly!”

Me: “So what did you want to talk about?”

Guy: “I guess I’ll dive right into the awkwardness, how about [genitals]?”

Me: *freaking out* “What about them.”

Guy: “General opinion? I’m a big fan myself.”

Me: “Uh… Okay? Sorry. I’m really tired. Is there a point to this? I’m not sure what you’re aiming at here.”

Guy: “I have a bad habit of just generally amusing myself like this. Fortunately, I have the judgement to not just post a picture and be like ‘What do you think? Eh, eh, eh?’ Always good for a good chuckle.”

Me: “Stop. You’re creeping me out.”

Guy: “I will. just feeling you out to see if you’re a fellow freak of the same breed.”

(After a friend calmed me down, I contacted the DM and told him I couldn’t play the game with this person any more. The DM showed me the message later where the creep said he “couldn’t help himself” and that he “didn’t have interest in resolving anything”! Mr. Creep, if you’re reading this, learn that this behavior just freaks people out and that you’re not being funny!)


Showered With Love

, | CA, USA | Marriage & Partners

(Our house is generally the place to hang out with our group of friends, especially when sports are playing as we have the sports cable packages. People have been over at our house since 10 am watching football on a Sunday and I have yet to take a shower. I go inside to use the restroom and while there, decide it is time to take a shower. Rather than go back outside to tell him, I text my husband to let him know in case he wonders where I’ve run off to.)

Me: “I takes shower!”

Husband: “Niiiiice. Pics?”

Me: *sends him a picture of our shower head*

Husband: “God-da***, I love you.”


Ignoring The Six Red Flags

| USA | Advice, Exes/Old Flames

(My friend has been in very rocky relationship with a girl who has cheated on him on multiple occasions and he keeps taking her back. After this most recent patch, I’ve been serving as a shoulder to cry on, both literally and figuratively, while, at the same time, trying to encourage him to end it with her for good. He finally hits a point where he’s ready to throw her out when I receive a message from him.)

Friend: “Hey, just letting you know that [Girlfriend] and I are going to Six Flags tomorrow.”

Me: “What?! Just a week ago, you were ready to kick her out, and now you’re going with her to an amusement park?”

Friend: “I know it seems crazy, but I’m trying not to think about things at the moment and just have a good time.”

(I’m annoyed, but decide not to say anything further until the next day when he sends me another message.)

Friend: “[Girlfriend] just won this for me at one of the booths.”

(He sends me a picture of a Superman plushy.)

Me: *head-desk*

(They ended up getting back together only to finally break up six months later over the same issues as last time. This time, thankfully, he wasn’t as broken up about it.)

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