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Ruining More Than Just Songs

| Beloit, WI, USA | Dating

(My girlfriend and I have been trading some sexy banter over text at work.)

Girlfriend: “I want you.”

Me: “To want me.”

Girlfriend: “Ruined.”

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Going The Ex-tra Distance

| Vancouver, BC, Canada | Exes/Old Flames, Popular

(I’ve been feeling sick for a few days, getting worse and worse every day. I wake up this morning with a sore throat, stuffy nose, headache, weepy eyes, every symptom of a head cold. For various reasons, even though we live together, my boyfriend and I do not share a bedroom. I’m getting ready to go to work, as I am the only one scheduled.)

Me: “I feel like s***.”

Boyfriend: “Stay away. I can’t get it.”

Me: “You’re so compassionate.”

(I go to work. I’m texting with an ex-boyfriend who I am still really good friends with, telling him how horrible I feel and how I don’t want to be at work, but as the manager, and the only one scheduled, it’s all on me.)

Me: “I’m sorry I’m so whiny. I hate being sick.”

Ex: “No, not at all. Being sick sucks.”

Me: “I need a big hug, but I don’t want to get people sick, lol.”

Ex: “I can wear hazmat gear.”

Me: “Aww.”

Ex: “I’ll go the distance for you.”

(I have no doubt that if the ex were here, he’d have no problem giving me a hug. Hazmat gear or not, he’s just that kind of guy. Boyfriend, however, is treating me like I have the plague.)

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Haunting Puns

| Tulsa, OK, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Punny

(I have recently moved to a new apartment. I have come home from work twice to discover the TV switched on; when I left it was off.)

Me: “I’m lying in bed, browsing online. The TV just came on all by itself.”

Boyfriend: “Oh, so, it’s a ghost, not intruders. What a relief.”

Me: “Who you gonna call?”

Boyfriend: “That’s spooky.”

Me: “I need an inSPECTREgator.”

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