He’s Got Nowhere Else To Go

| OK, USA | Marriage & Partners, Theme Of The Month

(My wife calls me on a Friday to give a quick update on a few things.)

Wife: “Is there any way you can come home early?”

Me: “Depends on how early. It’s Friday before Christmas and there’s a lot going on.”

Wife: “Well, the ice storm is expected to start around 2 pm. I’d feel better if you come home early.”

Me: “The last I heard this morning it wasn’t supposed to start until tonight.”

Wife: “I just watched the weather and they have changed the forecast.”

(My office is a mix of hourly and salary folks. Management likes those of us on salary not to leave early when hourly folk can’t go. They especially don’t like us to leave before 3:30 pm, which is when the hourly folks who come in early can go.)

Me: “Well, you know how it is here. I’ve got an iron chain around my ankle.”

Wife: “So?”

Me: *exaggerating further* “And they have guards. And dogs. And guard towers with machine guns. You know how it is.”

Wife: “What about I come up, walk in there, and carry you out?”

Me: “Oh, like at the end of An Officer And A Gentlemen? I’m wearing a hat like she was wearing. That would be sweet. I could toss it up in the air and have my coworkers cheer me on as we leave together.”

Wife: “You do realize that you’re switching the gender roles on this? Right?”

Me: “You know I don’t care when it comes to romance with you. I look at it as a ‘win-win’ when I’m with you.”

Wife: “I’m not carrying you.”

Seriously Not Getting It

| Australia | Exes/Old Flames

(I’d been dating my partner for two months, and one of my coworkers was a little weird about it. I live platonically with my ex.)

Coworker: “So doesn’t your partner have a problem with you living with your ex?”

Me: “Not at all.”

Coworker: “Oh, so he doesn’t know.”

Me: “No, he knows. He just doesn’t care.”

Coworker: “So you’re not that serious, then.”

Me: *getting frustrated* “We’re serious, enough so that he trusts me.”

Coworker: “No. Believe me, when it becomes a REAL relationship he’ll have a problem with it.”

Eating Out

| NY, USA | Dating

(My boyfriend is coming over after work and we’re texting about timing.)

Boyfriend: “I’ll leave work at six. Dinner?”

Me: “Yes, we will eat something for dinner.”

Boyfriend: “Haha.”

Me: “What? It’s true.”

Boyfriend: “If you keep this up I’m going to eat you for dinner.”

Me: “Well, that’s not very appropriate in public…”

Take A Chance On Me

| Darmstadt, Germany | Dating

(My boyfriend spends the night at my place and has a shower in the morning. The week before, I had started to hang the shower curtain over the bathtub, so I could clean it more easily.)

Me: “Good morning. I’d just like to say that I did not speak of the wet curtain, when I said it should be hung over the bathtub. That is all I have to say about it.”

Boyfriend: “Okay, I had a 50/50 chance on that curtain and I failed. That’s why I don’t gamble.”

The Danger Of Falling In Love

| Buckinghamshire, England, UK | Engaged, Theme Of The Month

(I’ve just arrived at work. As usual, I send my fiancée an email to let her know I’ve got there safely, as there is no signal at work.)

Me: “Got to work okay, my love! Traffic was all right. Heavy rain at one point but I got through it. Cold here, even with the heating coming on early. It’s through the air con, which takes longer to warm the room. How did you sleep? I love you.”

Fiancée: “Hello. My bed warm. World cold. Need wee. Danger Will Robinson. X.”

(She doesn’t yet know this is going online. This is why I’m with her.)

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