• Brunch With Evil Stepmother
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    Trolling For Love

    | The Philippines | Dating

    (I am in class. The teacher has been droning on for the last 30 minutes about our country’s history that has been discussed over and over again in the past years. I secretly text my boyfriend this: “I’m borrreedddd .-.” Note: he knows my schedule. Another note: I’m a Harry Potter fan.)

    Teacher: “And as you can see on your textbooks—”

    Boyfriend: *bursts through the door panting and wearing a turban* “TROLL IN THE DUNGEONS!… Just thought you ought to know.” *collapses*

    Everyone: *laughs hysterically*

    (I think I’ve found the one.)

    Don’t Poop On My Day

    | Tampa, FL, USA | Dating

    (I have recently moved in with my boyfriend and his roommate. They both work during the week and are home on the weekends. I work from home, so I have the apartment to myself during the week. My boyfriend and I are still in the ‘too awkward to be fully human around each other’ stage. This takes place on Sunday night.)

    Me: *in the cute voice my boyfriend loves* “I’m so excited for tomorrow!”

    Boyfriend: *genuinely confused* “Why? What’s tomorrow?”

    Me: “No one will be home, so I can finally poop!”

    Wedding-Crash My Dreams

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Flirting/How We Met, Marriage & Partners

    (My husband and I have gone on what has become an annual camping trip with a cycling group. We mainly stick to ourselves but have struck up a friendship with a woman on our second trip whom I notice is very smiley and pays extra attention to my husband. On our third trip she hangs around us, pretty much like a bad smell. We have all walked together to the centre where the showers are. Husband goes to the male showers while she and I head to the female ones.)

    Friend: *a bit snottily* “You know, [Husband] is quite good looking. You really should marry him before someone else takes him from you.”

    Me: “We are married.”

    Friend: “What?! How long?” *looking crestfallen*

    Me: “Over a year now, about 18 months.”

    Friend: “But you aren’t wearing a ring.”

    Me: “Not wearing a ring doesn’t mean I’m any less married. I can’t wear it with my cycling gloves anyway, and it’s safer at home.”

    Friend: “But, but how is anyone to know you are married?”

    (Funnily she stopped hanging around so much and didn’t turn up the next year.)

    Harry Potter Meets Ashley Madison

    | Flin Flon, MB, Canada | Marriage & Partners

    (I’m checking an email on my laptop sitting on the couch. My husband leans on my shoulder as it loads.)

    Me: *pretends to cover the screen* “Don’t look! This is my email for all the dating sites I use to cheat on you!”

    Husband: *looks at inbox* “Pottermore?”

    Me: “I didn’t say they were good dating sites.”

    OMG Love

    | San Antonio, TX, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (My wife and I are leaving a restaurant. She suddenly starts laughing loudly.)

    Me: “What?”

    Wife: “Look at the first part of that license plate across from us.”

    Me: “DMF?”

    Wife: “Yeah, what does that mean to you?”

    Me: “Dumb Mother F***er?”

    Wife: “HA! Me, too. That’s why I love you!”

    (I guess we have perfectly matched bad attitudes!)

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