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This Relationship Has Gone Cold(sore)

| Norway | Dating

(I’m two months into a new relationship, and talking to my boyfriend during a break. Due to a cold sore, I’ve instituted a no kissing rule until it’s gone, as I don’t want him catching it.)

Me: “It doesn’t make sense, though. I haven’t had cold sores this often since I was eleven. Now, I have them all the time, but I’ve hardly had any in over a decade.”

Boyfriend: “You don’t have to worry about me, though. I don’t get cold sores. I hardly get sick at all!”

Me: “Yeah, but the worst case scenario here is that we pass them back and forth via kissing, and then we’d never get rid of them. I’d rather we just wait until it’s gone.”

Boyfriend: “But it’s not like you’re gonna infect me.”

Me: “Just because you don’t get any, doesn’t mean you don’t carry it. Then you’ll end up infecting me again, anyway.”

Boyfriend: “But I hardly ever get sick! I drink out of the same bottles as [Friend\] all the time, and he has lots of cold sores, but I never get any!”

Me: *rubs my forehead* “I take it back. These cold sores suddenly make a lot of sense.”

Trying To Tickle Your Ribs

| Bloomington, IN, USA | Themed Giveaway

(My boyfriend is a good head taller than I am. He is gangly and with a long torso. Sometimes I just like to say silly things. Also, I’m an English major, while he’s a business major who frequently talks about efficiency.)

Me: “You know, I think you have extra ribs.”

Boyfriend: “Oh?”

Me: “Yeah. Explains how your torso is so long.”

Boyfriend: *snorts* “Okay.”

Me: “You know, with those extra ribs, you’d be a really efficient snack for a cannibal.”

Boyfriend: *gives me a look*

Me: “Yeah! Pay for x amount of ribs and get extra ribs! Decrease spending!”

Boyfriend: “You’re weird.”

A Pet Hate

| MO, USA | Engaged, Themed Giveaway

(My fiancé and I are talking about different kinds of pets. I have just mentioned that I do not want to have a bird.)

Fiancé: “But I would love to have a trained falcon!”

Me: “Yeah, okay.”

Fiancé: “A falcon would be the best pet. Because then it could eat other people’s pets.”

Me: “…”

On A Power Trip And Fall

| Ft. Lauderdale, FL, USA | Dating

(I’m horribly clumsy and just nearly missed smashing my head into the side of the bathtub and my boyfriend is upset.)

Me: “You know; if I were a superhero, my power would be clumsiness. I’d trip over my own feet and kill six people.”

Got You By The Footballs

| UK | Dating

(My girlfriend is German, and moved to the UK to study at one of the more prestigious universities. She, my friend, and I are watching the football: a German team versus an English one.)

Friend: “Come on, pass to [Player]! Pass to— NO!”

Me: “Godd*** it, [Player]!”

Girlfriend: *cackles evilly* “Yes, that’s right. Make all the wrong moves. Lose to [German team].”

Friend: *condescendingly* “Are you even interested in football?”

(She says nothing, just stares him down. He looks away, embarrassed. Later in the game…)

Girlfriend: “Yes, pass to [Player]. Pass it now. NOW! Idiot! You missed your opportunity! Wait… Yes, go! GO! Hurry up. Go faster. No, don’t let that motherf***** take it! No! Yes, son, keep going! GO! IT’S AN OPEN GOAL! SHOO— WHAT THE F***?! HOW THE F*** DID YOU MISS THAT?! IT WAS AN OPEN F***ING GOAL!”

(She starts to shout and swear in German, then gets up, leaves the room and slams the door, still swearing profusely.)

Me: “Yeah… She’s interested in football.”

Girlfriend: *from behind the door* “AND YOU CAN SHUT THE F*** UP!”

(The final score was 1-1.)

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