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  • Be Mindful Of What You Say

    | OR, USA | Dating

    (I am saying good bye to my boyfriend and will not be able to see him for several weeks. He is hugging me before I get in my car.)

    Boyfriend: “I loves you.” *kisses the top of my head*

    Me: *snuggling closer* “I love you more.”

    Boyfriend: “Okay… I didn’t say ‘I love you’ yet.”

    Me: “Wha— Yes, you did! You said ‘I loves you’ and then kissed my head!”

    Boyfriend: “I did?”

    Me: “YES!”

    Boyfriend: “Oh… I thought you were just being weird and trying to respond to my thoughts…”

    Will Need A Lot Of Mana To Fix That Damage

    | Tallahassee, FL, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend is a fan of Magic: The Gathering, especially the draft format. You pick a card from a booster pack, then pass the pack, and so on. On this particular night, he pulls a card I really want.)

    Me: *nuzzling him* “Who’s your favorite girlfriend?”

    Boyfriend: “Well, I have another one, so…”

    Me: “What?!”

    Boyfriend: *realizing how it sounds* “The card! I have another one if you want it!”

    I Mentally Scream For Ice Cream

    | Canberra, ACT, Australia | Engaged

    (My fiancée, her housemate, and I have just picked up fast food for dinner and are now watching a movie.)

    Fiancée: *pokes me*

    (I get up and get her the ice-cream tub from the freezer and a spoon. A few spoons later…)

    Fiancée: *pokes me with ice-cream*

    (I get up and put the ice-cream back in the freezer and the spoon in the sink and then pass her a macaroon.)

    Me: “This is going on NotAlwaysRomantic. We know each other too well.”

    Boy! What A Woman!

    | London, England, UK | Flirting/How We Met

    (I have a friend who acts like a tomboy. One day, as we are speaking with each other, we pass a boy who she has a huge crush on.)

    Boy: “Are you sure you’re a girl? Because you sure don’t act like one!”

    Friend: *seductive smirk* “I don’t know. Should I check? Or do you want to check for me?”

    Lower Your Ex-pectations

    | Boston, MA, USA | Dating, Exes/Old Flames

    (I’m playing designated-driver for the night during a night out with and ex and his new girlfriend. My ex and I are still friendly but we don’t hang out or talk regularly. I’m hesitant to go as my ex turns into an a** when drunk but I end up going with them after he’s sworn up and down he’s changed and just wants to catch up. Not surprisingly, he gets thoroughly tanked.)

    Ex: *leaning over to me whispering horridly* “Hey, you see that girl there? She’s my ex and she still totally wants it.”

    Ex’s Girlfriend: *nervously* “Wrong shoulder, sweetheart.”

    Ex: “It’s totally pathetic that she hasn’t gotten over me. She wasn’t even good in bed.

    (His girlfriend gives me a sympathetic look and starts to make the excuse that ‘he’s drunk’ but I stop her.)

    Me: “No, stop. You know what’s really pathetic? The fact that he hasn’t changed a bit. I left him because he was a f****** drunk. I agreed to this outing because he swore up and down he’s changed and that it wouldn’t be awkward. We broke up five years ago and I haven’t regretted it a single second of my life.”

    Ex: *to his girlfriend* “She’s such a b****. That’s why I left her. That and because—” *yelling now* “—she sucks in the sack!”

    Ex’s Girlfriend: “This is so dumb. If she’s so pathetic then why are you the one talking about it? I’ve had enough. I’m done with you!”

    Ex: *shouting* “Yeah, well, f*** you, too! You’re the worst lay ever!”

    (The bartender came over and had our ex kicked out of the bar. Then he paid for our taxi home after deciding that we deserved a good stiff drink for having had to deal with an a** for however long we dated him.)

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