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    Reading The Situation Wrong

    | Seattle, WA, USA | LGBTQ, Marriage & Partners

    (I am female. My wife can get sort of loopy when she is tired. Many nights, she falls asleep while holding a book, and gets upset when I try to take it away or wake her up. This night, however, she isn’t reading, she just falls asleep early.)

    Me: “Hey, sweetie. Wake up. We need to brush our teeth and stuff.”

    Wife: *as she wakes up* “READING! I’m still reading!”

    Me: “Um… no you weren’t.”

    Wife: “WHERE’S MY BOOK?”

    (She starts patting the bed and frantically searching, so I hand her a book from the shelf.)

    Me: “Um, here, but we need to brush our teeth.”

    Wife: *accusingly* “I. Am. READING!”

    Lets Hope She Has Great Heeling Power

    | Newark, DE, USA | Dating

    (I’m very clumsy, and earlier in the day I’d tripped on a shoe while barefoot in my apartment. One of my toes is swollen and discolored, and since I’d never broken anything before I wasn’t sure if it was broken or I’d just tore something in it somehow. I text my boyfriend, who has gone through emergency first aid programs at his work.)

    Me: “Your clumsy girlfriend did a thing.”

    (Not even five minutes later he calls me. When I answer, he doesn’t even say hi.)

    Boyfriend: “What did you do?”

    Me: “I tripped on a shoe and I don’t know if I broke my toe or not.”

    (My boyfriend runs me through a little check list over the phone and assures me that the toe is just sprained. Before he hangs up, he sighs.)

    Boyfriend: “We can’t even trust you barefoot. How are you going to wear heels for our anniversary without killing yourself somehow?”

    Me: “Magic and a prayer.”

    The Winning Half Of The Argument

    | London, England, UK | Marriage & Partners

    (My husband and I have a habit of addressing each other in rather unconventional ways. I’m in my study when he walks in.)

    Me: *deadpan* “Hello spouse, partner, or significant other.”

    Husband: “I think you’ll find the term is ‘better half.’”

    Me: “Only when it’s you talking.”

    Cocky-Blocked

    | Redlands, CA, USA | Flirting/How We Met

    (I live in a wealthy beach community where the guys can be pretty full of themselves. I’m at a bar about 60 miles inland with my sister and a friend when a group of guys they know comes in. My sister introduces me to one guy.)

    Me: *shaking hands* “Hi, I’m [My Name].”

    Him: “Hi, I’m the cockiest ‘s.o.b.’ you’ll ever meet.”

    (He delivers this line with a broad wink, and I can tell he thinks it’s very charming. All the women and his friends at the table laugh.)

    Me: “Well, I live in Newport Beach, and you’re not even the cockiest ‘s.o.b.’ I’ve met so far THIS WEEK.”

    (His face completely fell and his friends start teasing him about being burned. Needless to say, he didn’t speak to me again after that.)

    Best Sweep This Stupidity Under The Carpet

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Marriage & Partners

    (There’s some stains on our carpet. I decide it needs washing so borrow a carpet cleaner from my mother. All she could find was the small hand held shampooing attachment. I am crawling around the carpet on my hands and knees to use it.)

    Husband: “What are you doing?”

    Me: “Washing the carpet.”

    (He stands at the door watching me do it. I finally finish and leave the carpet to dry.)

    Husband: *who hates getting any part of his clothes wet* “Oh, oh, my socks are wet. My socks are wet.”

    Me: “What did you do?”

    Husband: “I took my shoes off and walked into the bedroom; how did my socks get wet?”.

    Me: “I washed the carpet.”

    Husband: “How was I to know the carpet was wet?”

    Me: “You WATCHED me.”

    Husband: “You didn’t tell me it would be wet.”

    Me: “You saw what I was doing.”

    Husband: “How was I to know?”


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