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    No Kink(y) In Her Christian Armor

    | Jacksonville, FL, USA | Dating, Fights/Breakups

    (I have gone on two dates with a man that worked in the restaurant next to the one I worked in. I am Christian, which he is aware of, but he is not. I don’t mind as much, as someone can still have the same morals as me without religion. This all happens over text.)

    Boyfriend: “So I’ve been thinking… I really like you. And I’ve been thinking.”

    Me: “Yes?”

    Boyfriend: “You’re really cute and I want to sleep with you.”

    Me: “No.”

    Boyfriend: “Why? Don’t you like me?”

    Me: “You know I’m Christian.”

    Boyfriend: “But you can still have sex with me.”

    Me: “No. Stop asking.”

    Boyfriend: “Well, how about you just masturbate in front of me?”

    Me: “Lose my number. Now.”

    (He texted me the next day, again asking if I would come over to his house and masturbate in front of him. I gave my phone to my dad, who had been in the Marine Corp. for 22 years. I haven’t heard from him since.)

    Must Be On Magic Mushrooms

    | WA, USA | Dating

    (After reading a story about a guy proposing during ‘The Hobbit’.)

    Boyfriend: “Babe, I’m never doing that.”

    Me: “Good. If you ever wanted me to venture into the scary world of Mr. and Mrs. your proposal would have to be super ridiculously, disgustingly, nauseatingly, amazingly romantic.”

    (There is a pause for thought.)

    Me: “Or involve Super Mario Brothers. Super Mario Brothers is the s***.”

    A Very Long Pregnant Pause

    | Orange County, CA, USA | Dating

    (Since a friend is getting married soon, my boyfriend and I have been talking about our own future engagement possibilities.)

    Me: “I don’t want a diamond ring.”

    Boyfriend: “I know. You want a TARDIS ring.”

    Me: “Or a sonic screwdriver ring.”

    Boyfriend: “Well, I don’t have to worry any time soon, anyway. I have a few years.”

    Me: “Oh, really?”

    Boyfriend: “Yes. All I have to do is yell ‘pregnancy’ at you?”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Boyfriend: “You’re so afraid of pregnancy and after we get married, everyone will expect us to have children. PREGNANCY! PREGNANCY! PREGNANCY! There, that should give me about six years.”

    Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 33

    | UK | Dating

    (I ask my boyfriend the question of what he would do if I was bitten by a zombie.)

    Boyfriend: “Smack the zombie. And then be very cross with you.”

    Me: “Why would you be cross with ME?”

    Boyfriend: “Well, it’s just so inconsiderate of you!”

    Me: “To get bitten by a zombie?”

    Boyfriend: “Yes! You see? You don’t think about me at all!”

    Me: “Because you’d have to make a tough decision about whether to kill me?”

    Boyfriend: “No. If you turn into a zombie, who’d make me tea?”

    Me: “….”

    Related:
    Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 32
    Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 31
    Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 30

    Crumbling Language Skills

    | IA, USA | Dating

    (We’re sitting around enjoying a box of cookies.)

    Boyfriend: “I’m going to grab a drink from the fridge. Do you need anything?”

    Me: *with my mouth full of cookies* “I’d like some more water, please.”

    (This, of course, comes out as a garbled mess. My boyfriend, also with a mouth of cookie, mumbles something. After finishing our cookies I reply.)

    Me: “Well, who doesn’t speak cookie-ese?”

    (This is actually what he’d said with a mouth full of cookie. My boyfriend turns to me with a look of shock.)

    Boyfriend: “I didn’t even understand what I said. How did you?”


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