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  • Very Soppy Soup
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  • Gender Roles Stink

    | Sri Lanka | Marriage & Partners

    (I’m enjoying my dinner quietly when I’m interrupted by…)

    Husband: *farts loudly with eyes closed* “Ah… this is life. Eat, fart, sleep…” *takes a deep breath* “Wonderful…”

    Me: “At least excuse yourself. Be a real man.”

    Husband: “At least don’t complain about my natural gas. Be a good wife.”

    (He won, for the first time.)

    Keeping Four Score

    | IL, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (My husband and I are driving home from work when he reaches over and pokes me with one finger in the leg.)

    Me: “What was that, foreplay?”

    Husband: “Nope, this is!” *he then proceeded to poke me with FOUR fingers!*

    Providing Loving Support

    | England, UK | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I are messaging online when the conversation turns to males versus females.)

    Me: “Ah, to be a guy… It must be wonderful.”

    Boyfriend: “It has its perks.”

    Me: “But… you don’t have boobs.”

    Boyfriend: “I admit they are cool.”

    Me: “On the other hand, bras can be stupidly expensive.”

    Boyfriend: “I’ll hold them for you?”

    Me: “…”

    She Drives Me Batty

    | TX, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend is telling me his favorite word to say, and then sends me a text with a picture of a bat being combed using a toothbrush.)

    Boyfriend: “Fledermaus. Hint: the literal translation is fly-mouse. AKA a bat.”

    Me: “Rabies.”

    Boyfriend: “You must admit that bat is cute.”

    Me: “I still think you’re cuter. I’m not comparing you to a bat or anything. Just saying.”

    Boyfriend: “You’re far cuter. Prior disclaimer implied.”

    Me: “Thanks.”

    Boyfriend: “Attention everyone! My girlfriend is cuter than a bat.”

    Me: “I feel so accomplished…”

    The Magic Of Kisses

    | IL, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (I am mopping the kitchen, and have mopped my husband into the corner, so he hops up and sits on the counter while he is doing something on his phone. I start working in the breakfast nook and ask him to take a tote downstairs.)

    Husband: “Can’t. The floor is lava.”

    Me: “Yes, you can, and I’ll give you magic to save yourself.”

    (He gets to me with ‘floor is lava’ rules and stands on a chair so I can give him his magic to keep him safe – a kiss you hold in your hand. He takes the tote, without letting the kiss out, and heads downstairs. I then hear him squeal in the basement. The magic is wearing off. Up he comes, running, for another kiss to hold, and then he flees to his counter to sit. When I need my counter back:)

    Me: “Don’t worry. I took the lava away, but I’ll give you another kiss to hold.”

    Husband: “What is this kiss for if I’m safe from lava and started to let it go?”

    Me: “NO!”

    (He freezes.)

    Me: “If you let that kiss go, your thingy will fall off!”

    Husband: “Quick, turn the floor back to lava!”

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