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    Split From Reality

    | Galveston, TX, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (My husband is finishing his PhD, and I am applying to enter grad school. I’m discussing our future plans with my boss.)

    Me: “I’m also applying to a school in [City], because I have family there. That way if [Husband] and I split up it will be easier on me.”

    Boss: *looking horrified* “I didn’t think that something you should be planning for.”

    Me: *completely missing the point* “Well, it’ll suck, but we’ve done it before… Wait! No! Not SPLIT UP split up, just live apart for school. No, we’re not planning for THAT!”

    Till Undeath(s) Do Us Part

    | Dubuque, IA, USA | Dating, LGBTQ

    (I’m in a polyamorous relationship. I ask both my boyfriend and my girlfriend what they would do if I was bitten by a zombie.)

    Boyfriend: *without hesitation* “I would shoot you squarely in the face then double tap just to be sure.”

    Girlfriend: “I have the worst zombie plan ever. I would let you bite me.”

    Me: “I hope you’re prepared to kill both of us, then.”

    Boyfriend: “Yes, I have rehearsed this many times.”

    Related:
    Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 38
    Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 37
    Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 36

    Needs To Develop A Thicker Shell

    | MI, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years now. I’m also a male. He has gone down to Florida for a week so we begin to chat online.)

    Boyfriend: “[My Name], we need to talk… This is important.”

    (He sounds super serious and I begin to worry thinking that he wants to break up.)

    Me: “Yes…”

    (He goes silent.)

    Boyfriend: “Do… you… like… dolphins or turtles better because I only have enough money for one.”

    Me: “OHTHANKGODITHOUGHTYOUWANTEDTOBREAKUP!”

    Boyfriend: “Wow! Hurtful! I would never want to break up with you… Unless you said dolphins because turtles are better… Never mind I’m getting you a turtle. Bye, love you.”

    Sickly Sweet

    | Clemson, SC, USA | Dating

    (I have been feeling sick for the last couple of days, and I am texting my boyfriend about it.)

    Me: “I always get sick. Make it go away.”

    Boyfriend: “I can’t directly talk to your antibodies and immune system as a whole, but I can be a constant supply of soup, cuddles, cheek/forehead kisses, and movie/TV partner.”

    Me: “As long as you don’t try to spoon-feed me soup.”

    Boyfriend: “Okay. Yeah, that’s kinda undermining you as a person there.”

    Beats The Socks Off Other Romantic Gestures

    | Montreal, QC, Canada | Dating

    (My boyfriend of a few weeks and I are cuddling on my couch after watching a movie. He pulls me towards him and since my socks were loose, they come right off.)

    Me: *laughing* “You literally just pulled me out of my socks!”

    Boyfriend: “Yup, I’m just that amazing.”

    Me: “Some girls get swept off their feet… Not me. Nope. I get pulled out of my socks!”


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