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  • Not In A Rush To Have Another One
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  • Category: Dating

    My philosophy of dating is to just fart right away. – Jenny McCarthy

    Furby Fury

    | Hampstead, MD, USA | Dating, Theme Of The Month

    (Boyfriend and I are laying in bed having pillow talk about childhood toys.)

    Boyfriend: “All the girls in my class had those annoying-a** Tamagotchis when I was in elementary school.”

    Me: “I had one of those! It kept dying. It still wasn’t as annoying as my Furby, though.”

    Boyfriend: “I f****** hated that thing! One time, at the old house, I was trying to go to sleep and all of the sudden I just hear ‘FURBY!’ Scared the s*** out of me!”

    Me: “Yeah. We kept ours in the basement playroom. Every f****** time you’d think they were off they’d start talking. It was so creepy.”

    (Later that night, trying to sleep. My boyfriend thinks he’s going to be funny.)

    Boyfriend: *rolls over* “FUUUURBYYYYY!” *thrashes around in bed*

    (I elbow him in the face and fall off the bed in a panic.)

    Boyfriend: *holding nose* “OW!”

    Me: “THE F***?!”

    Boyfriend: *with blood dripping out from behind his hands* “I think you broke my nose…”

    Me: “Well, the f*** did you expect, jack-a**?”

    Bet You Would Have Done The Same

    | WA, USA | Dating

    (When my boyfriend and I shower together, we do what we call the ‘Shower Shuffle’ which means we switch spots so one person is soaping up while the other is rinsing off. We’re also very big fans of musicals, especially ‘Chicago.’)

    Boyfriend: “Shower shuffle?”

    Me: “Shower shuffle!”

    (While we switch, he hold me a if we’re dancing.)

    Me: “That was more of a ‘Shower Tango.’”

    Boyfriend: “Should be the ‘Cell Block Tango.’”

    Me: “The thing is, if I were singing that, that would mean I killed you.”

    Boyfriend: “Well I would have deserved it.”

    (Pause.)

    Me: *singing* “You had it coming.”

    Boyfriend: *singing* “I had it coming.”

    Together: *singing* “You/I only had yourself/myself to blame!”

    A Meeting Of Two Greats

    | OR, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend is in a series of meetings that he feels are pointless and he dislikes the people. He’s texting me whenever he can.)

    Boyfriend: “Kill me please.”

    Me: “No. I need you to lift and reach things for me.”

    Boyfriend: “That doesn’t sound like it’s worth hanging around for.”

    Me: “…boobs?”

    Boyfriend: “Hmm…”

    Me: “Boobs and beer?”

    Boyfriend: “Mmmm.”

    Me: “Feeling a little better?”

    Boyfriend: “No, because now I just want boobs and beer.”

    When Pillow Talk Gets Dark

    | Slovakia | Dating, Long Distance

    (I am chatting over webcam with my long distance boyfriend. I’m half-way through describing how much I love him.)

    Me: “…sorry, sweetie, I have to stop. I’m going to ask you a weird request.”

    Boyfriend: “Right…”

    Me: “Can you just pick up the pillow directly to your left, and then fluff it, and put it back.”

    Boyfriend: *does this, looking at me like I’m crazy* “So?”

    Me: “No, put it back. Then I’ll tell you.”

    Boyfriend: *puts back the pillow very carefully and precisely, and then looks at me nervously*

    Me: “It’s just it was folded in such a way that it looked like a demon baby face, and I was trying to ignore it but I couldn’t. It was just THERE and I’d try looking at you but my eyes kept looking at it!”

    Boyfriend: *rolls around in tears laughing at me for at least 30 seconds* “Oh, I think I love you even more!”

    Homo-Non-Erectus

    | Germany | Dating

    (My boyfriend has recently found out that one of his coworkers is gay. One evening, we’re laying in bed, getting hot and heavy.)

    Boyfriend: *with his hands between my legs* “I wonder if gays are attracted to me.”

    Me: *incredulous stare* “Seriously?! NOW?!”

    (Needless to say, the mood was dead for a while after that …)


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