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    Category: Dating

    My philosophy of dating is to just fart right away. – Jenny McCarthy

    Not Im-Pressed

    | Chilliwack, BC, Canada | Dating

    (I am lying in bed with my boyfriend the night after I find out I’m losing my job.)

    Me: “Ugh, I wish this wasn’t so difficult. It’s making me depressed.”

    Boyfriend: *pushes my head down into the pillow*

    Me: “Why are you pushing my head down?”

    Boyfriend: “I’m not; it’s reversed. I’m making you un-pressed.” *’un-pushes’ my head again*

    (I think I’ll keep him.)

    Making A Boob Of Oneself

    | ON, Canada | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I occasionally discuss terms of endearment – the most I ever get out of him is ‘dear,’ while I use everything from ‘my love’ to ‘pookie,’ depending on my mood. I’ve been encouraging him to vary it up a bit. We’re lying in bed, having just woken up.)

    Boyfriend: “Good morning, boobs!”

    Me: “Er. Try again, please?”

    Boyfriend: “Good morning, holder-of-the-boobs!”

    In Need Of A Healthy Hug

    | NC, USA | Dating

    (Talking about how I am sick and in need of some cuddles.)

    Me: “I miss you, too.”

    Boyfriend: “I’m sorry! You need good snuggles.”

    Me: “All the snuggles!”

    Boyfriend: “Maybe I can wear a hazmat suit.”

    Can’t Defy The Octopi

    | USA | Dating, Exes/Old Flames

    (My ex-girlfriend and I are still really good friends. My current girlfriend and I are going on a double date with her and the guy she’s seeing. My ex loves cephalopods, specifically the octopus, and has a plush one on her keys. My current girlfriend sees it when she’s putting her ID away after we order our drinks.)

    Girlfriend: “What’s that purple thing?”

    Ex: “An octopus.”

    Girlfriend: “Oh.” *pauses* “Why is there an octopus on your keys?”

    Ex: “I think a better question is why ISN’T there an octopus on YOUR keys?”

    (Everybody except my current girlfriend laughs, who just gives my ex a dirty look. As we’re leaving, she sees there is also a small, bright blue glass octopus hanging from the rear view mirror of her car.)

    Girlfriend: *nasty tone* “Geez, what is it with you and those stupid things?”

    Ex: *looking at the key ring, and the one in her car* “I happen to like them. Besides, there’s only a few of them.” *glances at my girlfriend’s car – the dashboard of which is covered in stuffed animals*

    Girlfriend: *shrill tone* “It’s normal for girls to like stuffed animals! Those things are slimy!”

    Ex: “First of all, I’m a woman. Not a girl. As in adult human female. Second, there’s nothing wrong with having several stuffed animals in your car either. I just find it odd that you have a problem with two small cephalopods when the interior of your car looks like one of those claw machines.”

    (She and I ended up getting back together a few months later, and I can’t for the life of me figure out why I ever let her go.)

    For The Love Of Mexican Food

    | CA, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I are sitting on the couch watching videos on his laptop. We were going to heat up some burritos for dinner but have been putting it off. I’m starting to feel very hungry.)

    Me: *softly* “Burritos.”

    Boyfriend: “I love you, too.”

    Me: *stares at him for a few seconds before I burst out in laughter*

    Boyfriend: *very confused* “What did I say?”


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