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    Category: Dating

    My philosophy of dating is to just fart right away. – Jenny McCarthy

    Purposefully Lovesick

    | Asheville, NC, USA | Dating

    Me: *being all sentimental* “How are you not sick of me yet?”

    Boyfriend: *makes puking noises* “You always feel better after you throw up!”

    Doesn’t Appreciate The Killer Present

    | Houston, TX, USA | Dating

    (For our first Valentine’s Day together, I went out and get my girlfriend a book that I think she would like. It is a non-fiction book about a subject she likes a great deal. I thought I was winning, because I could show that I had been paying attention to her.)

    Girlfriend: “You got me a book…”

    Me: “Yeah, I thought you’d like it.”

    Girlfriend: “You got me a book for Valentine’s Day.”

    Me: “Yep.”

    Girlfriend: “You got me a book about serial killers for our first Valentine’s Day?”

    Me: “Yeah, what’s wrong with that?”

    Girlfriend: “Serial Killers?! Really?!”

    Big Expectations

    | USA | Dating

    (I am talking to my boyfriend about shaping up together.)

    Boyfriend: “And then your boobs will get even bigger! Biiiigggeeerr!”

    Me: “Mmm, no…You do realize that my boobs will be the first thing to get smaller, right?”

    Boyfriend: *creepy voice* “Biggeeeeeeeeerrrrrr…”

    A Charitable (In)experience

    | Australia | Dating, LGBTQ

    (I’ve just discovered an article about gay men being asked to draw lady parts. Note: we haven’t slept together yet and my boyfriend is very inexperienced.)

    Me: “Hey, check this out.”

    Boyfriend: *laughing* “This is hilarious.”

    Me: “They even have a campaign to fund a picture book!”

    Boyfriend: “Would it be weird if I contributed to this?”

    Me: “You totally could! You haven’t seen enough yet.”

    Boyfriend: “I meant donating money…”

    Me: “I honestly didn’t think of that.”

    Happier In Dystopia

    | Tooele, UT, USA | Dating

    (I’ve been depressed lately and so my boyfriend called me to try to cheer me up. We are discussing a dream I had a few nights prior where there are three times as many boys as girls. I am an 16-year-old girl.)

    Boyfriend: “If we lived in that kind of world I’d snap you up and protect you from the creeps that would try to kidnap you.”

    Me: “I’m not pretty enough to kidnap.”

    Boyfriend: “Nope. I’d bet you’d be one of the first girl to get kidnapped to entertain men.”

    Me: “Let’s just put that aside. If there was only a few girls on earth then how in the world would we try to keep up the population?”

    Boyfriend: “We’d probably enforce a rule that after a girl’s 16th birthday all girls have to carry at least two girls to increase the female population.”

    Me: “That’s just mean. I’d start a protest group to make more test tube babies.”

    Boyfriend: “But those arent natu—”

    Me: “TEST TUBE BABIES!”

    (Pause.)

    Boyfriend: “Are you happier now?”


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