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  • Be Quiet Or There Will Be The Devil To Pay
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  • Category: Dating

    My philosophy of dating is to just fart right away. – Jenny McCarthy

    Will Need A Lot Of Mana To Fix That Damage

    | Tallahassee, FL, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend is a fan of Magic: The Gathering, especially the draft format. You pick a card from a booster pack, then pass the pack, and so on. On this particular night, he pulls a card I really want.)

    Me: *nuzzling him* “Who’s your favorite girlfriend?”

    Boyfriend: “Well, I have another one, so…”

    Me: “What?!”

    Boyfriend: *realizing how it sounds* “The card! I have another one if you want it!”

    Lower Your Ex-pectations

    | Boston, MA, USA | Dating, Exes/Old Flames

    (I’m playing designated-driver for the night during a night out with and ex and his new girlfriend. My ex and I are still friendly but we don’t hang out or talk regularly. I’m hesitant to go as my ex turns into an a** when drunk but I end up going with them after he’s sworn up and down he’s changed and just wants to catch up. Not surprisingly, he gets thoroughly tanked.)

    Ex: *leaning over to me whispering horridly* “Hey, you see that girl there? She’s my ex and she still totally wants it.”

    Ex’s Girlfriend: *nervously* “Wrong shoulder, sweetheart.”

    Ex: “It’s totally pathetic that she hasn’t gotten over me. She wasn’t even good in bed.

    (His girlfriend gives me a sympathetic look and starts to make the excuse that ‘he’s drunk’ but I stop her.)

    Me: “No, stop. You know what’s really pathetic? The fact that he hasn’t changed a bit. I left him because he was a f****** drunk. I agreed to this outing because he swore up and down he’s changed and that it wouldn’t be awkward. We broke up five years ago and I haven’t regretted it a single second of my life.”

    Ex: *to his girlfriend* “She’s such a b****. That’s why I left her. That and because—” *yelling now* “—she sucks in the sack!”

    Ex’s Girlfriend: “This is so dumb. If she’s so pathetic then why are you the one talking about it? I’ve had enough. I’m done with you!”

    Ex: *shouting* “Yeah, well, f*** you, too! You’re the worst lay ever!”

    (The bartender came over and had our ex kicked out of the bar. Then he paid for our taxi home after deciding that we deserved a good stiff drink for having had to deal with an a** for however long we dated him.)

    Throw In Their Garlic Festival For Good Measure…

    | CA, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I currently reside in the Bay Area. We are planning to move in together at the end of this year and I’ve found an option out in Gilroy.)

    Me: “The only reason why I’m not so gung-ho about moving down there is because of the blazing heat during the summer.”

    Boyfriend: “I don’t it’s that bad out there…”

    Me: “Yes, it is! It’s like the freakin’ right armpit of the Bay Area!”

    Boyfriend: “The right armpit?”

    Me: “Yeah! See, since the Bay Area stretches out from North to South, imagine there’s someone who has their arms stretched out from side to side. And imagine that California doesn’t bathe or shower or whatever. So, Pacifica is like the left armpit, and then Gilroy is—”

    Boyfriend: “Stop it! I’m eating!”

    A Battery Of Questions

    | UK | Dating, Family/Kids

    (My boyfriend and I are having lunch with my parents and our family friend. I still live at home. My and my boyfriend’s vibrator has run out of batteries and I opened it up to discover they were a really obscure type of battery. My dad is a really tech savvy guy, so I asked him if he has any of this type of battery over dinner.)

    Me: “Dad, do we have any of [battery type].”

    Dad: “No, I’ve never even heard of those batteries before. What is it for?”

    Me: “Oh, nothing really. It’s okay. I’ll find them online. It’s okay.”

    Dad: “No, tell me what it’s for.”

    Me: *blushes* “It’s nothing!”

    Dad: “Tell me!”

    Mum: *jokingly* “I bet it’s for a vibrator or something.”

    (I look down, blush, and don’t reply.)

    Mum: “IT IS, ISN’T IT?!”

    Me: “[Boyfriend] bought it for me.”

    Dad: “I’m going to drill his eyes.”

    (He didn’t drill his eyes, but it’s taught my dad to be less nosy. He doesn’t ask what I need batteries or clean sheets for now.)

    In The Calzone Zone

    | Southampton, England, UK | Dating

    (I am at my boyfriend’s house working while he naps in bed. As I walk over he wakes up slightly and looks confused at me.)

    Me: “What?”

    Boyfriend: “You changed colour…”

    Me: “Um.” *checks arms* “Nope, still white.”

    Boyfriend: “But you were yellowy-brown.”

    (He smiles as if suddenly realising something.)

    Boyfriend: “Oh, I was imagining you as a calzone.”

    (He then closed his eyes and went back to sleep, remembering nothing of the conversation the next morning.)

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