(I have a great relationship with my boss, so she knows I have a lot of issues with my future mother-in-law. I have just had a truly awful Christmas experience with her lying and manipulating my fiancé over her coming into town for the holidays, and a several hour long conversation where she told me everything I was thinking about for my wedding was wrong and against their family traditions.)

Me: “I just don’t want her involved. She already tried to make the engagement all about her, and now she’s doing the same thing for the wedding!”

Boss: “Well, what are you going to do about it? She’s not going away if you keep him in your life.”

Me: “I think I’m going to announce a really horrendous wedding theme. Remember that one girl who’s renting the hall next door who’s theme is ‘Monsters and Rainbows’? Yeah… I’m gonna go with ‘Drag Queens and Superheroes’!”

Boss: “I am not dressing up as a drag queen!”

Me: “No no no! You’re a woman! You have to pick a male superhero to dress up as!”

Boss: “So, what, he’ll be Wonder Woman?”

Me: “Sure, why not? I can be Superman!”

Boss: “And how will he feel about this?”

Me: “I’ll text him right now.”

(I text him the idea, having a lot of fun with the joke as various co-workers are picking superheroes.)

Fiancé: “Noooo! That’s the worst idea ever!”

Me: “It’s just a joke!”

Fiancé: “Not that! I can’t be DC! I hate DC! I’ll be Jean Grey and you can be Cyclops.”

Me: “If I am any X-men ever, I am Wolverine.”

Fiancé: “Our slash-fic shall live forever.”

Me: *to my boss* “Yep, he’s officially perfect. I’ll take him even with a side of crazy mom.”

Related:
The Jean-Grey To My Scott Summers, Part 2
The Jean-Grey To My Scott Summers

(My fiancé and I live apart for school and work. I also happen to be eight months pregnant. We are skyping one night before bed.)

Fiancé: “So, what are you doing?”

Me: “Poking the baby.”

Fiancé: “Why?”

Me: “Well, she kicked me first!”

Fiancé: “So, let her out!”

Me: “I can’t! There’s no button for that.”

Fiancé: “Did you try your belly button?”

Me: “That was the first button I tried. Uh-oh… Hey honey, how long would it take you to get down here?”

Fiancé: “About six hours. Why?”

Me: “My water just broke.”

Fiancé: “I’ll be there in four hours!”

Related:
Enough To Give Pregnant Pause, Part 3
Enough To Give Pregnant Pause, Part 2
Enough To Give Pregnant Pause

(My fiancé and I are having a dinner with all of our relatives, as well as some close friends, so they get to know each other and us before the wedding. We are both math nerds. His aunt is talking to us.)

Aunt: “So, how did you two meet?”

Me: “I was sitting at the bar, and he walked up to me. The first thing he said was, ‘Baby, I want to be your derivative so I can lie tangent to your curves.’”

Fiancé: “And she went, ‘only if you’ll be the asymptotes to my inverse variation’. That’s when I knew she was the one.”

(All our close friends standing around us laugh. His aunt just stares at us blankly, then shakes her head and walks away.)

Aunt: *mumbling* “Math people.”

(My fiancé and I are playing laser tag with two of my sisters. We have just finished the game.)

Me: “That was awesome! Look, I got second!”

Sister #1: “Wait, who’s #2?”

Sister #2: “Oh cool! That’s me! I won!”

Fiancé: *to me* “Oh wow. I shot you twelve times.”

Me: “Wow! You shot me more than anyone else! When did you shoot me?”

Fiancé: “I kept coming around corners and you were there!”

Me: “You just like taking me from behind, don’t you?”

(Everyone bursts out laughing.)

Me: “What’d I say now?!”

(My fiancé eventually explains while my littlest sister continues to spaz about how innocent I am. My sisters cannot wait to hear what our wedding night will be like!)

(My fiancé and I are cuddling when he reaches over and starts twisting my nipples.)

Me: “Hey! What are you doing?!”

Fiancé: “Trying to call your home planet.”

Me: *in a robotic voice* “I’m sorry, this planet has been disconnected. Please hang up and try again.”