(My fiancé and I are having a dinner with all of our relatives, as well as some close friends, so they get to know each other and us before the wedding. We are both math nerds. His aunt is talking to us.)

Aunt: “So, how did you two meet?”

Me: “I was sitting at the bar, and he walked up to me. The first thing he said was, ‘Baby, I want to be your derivative so I can lie tangent to your curves.’”

Fiancé: “And she went, ‘only if you’ll be the asymptotes to my inverse variation’. That’s when I knew she was the one.”

(All our close friends standing around us laugh. His aunt just stares at us blankly, then shakes her head and walks away.)

Aunt: *mumbling* “Math people.”

(While on the phone with a friend, my boyfriend ends up talking to his friend’s three year old son.)

Boyfriend: *in a fake German super-villain-sequence accent* “Well, hello little one! Soon your father’s evil plans will be complete. And then you will be prepared to rule the world!” *finishes phone call and says bye to his friend*

Me: “Are you going to talk to our kids like that?”

Boyfriend: “Duh! F*** yes!”

Me: “Excellent!”

(My fiancé and I are playing laser tag with two of my sisters. We have just finished the game.)

Me: “That was awesome! Look, I got second!”

Sister #1: “Wait, who’s #2?”

Sister #2: “Oh cool! That’s me! I won!”

Fiancé: *to me* “Oh wow. I shot you twelve times.”

Me: “Wow! You shot me more than anyone else! When did you shoot me?”

Fiancé: “I kept coming around corners and you were there!”

Me: “You just like taking me from behind, don’t you?”

(Everyone bursts out laughing.)

Me: “What’d I say now?!”

(My fiancé eventually explains while my littlest sister continues to spaz about how innocent I am. My sisters cannot wait to hear what our wedding night will be like!)

(It’s Christmas Eve, and my boyfriend and I are visiting my parents before he goes to work for the evening. All of the family’s presents are stacked under the tree, including a plush that I’ve been begging for. It’s in plain sight with a gold star—representing his medal—right on his chest.)

Me: *upon seeing the plush* “Oh, awesome.”

Boyfriend: “Aw crap. Is that the plush you wanted?”

Me: “Yep! I’m betting that’s from my sister since we were kind of coordinating that.”

Boyfriend: “So… you like it a lot, right?”

Me: “Uh, yeah?”

Boyfriend: “Enough that you’d want two?”

(My husband and I have been married for a year now. Whenever our families get together for the holidays, the topic of children comes up—especially when WE are going to have them. During a Christmas party at my in law’s house, his father is telling me all the stories about my husband when he was a child. We are talking about it on the drive home.)

Me: “You were a troublesome child.”

Husband: “What? I was always a good child!”

Me: “That’s not what your dad says. Going down a double black diamond when you’re only seven, calling your dad an f’ing idiot to your mother when you’re just three!”

Husband: “Yeah, he likes those stories.”

Me: “See. That’s why we can’t have kids. If they turn out like you, it’d be bad.”

Husband: “Whoa! Good child! I was the good child!”

Me: “Well, I wasn’t! I was a manipulative instigator.” *pause* “So, that’s it, then. We can’t have kids because if we do, they’ll end up being a combination between the two of us: troublesome, manipulative, evil demon children. I don’t know if I feel right about bringing that evil into this world.”

Husband: “That’s going to be my excuse from now on. I can’t place that evil upon others.”

Me: “We would be the ones having to deal with that evil! I can’t deal with the evil!” *pauses, nods sagely* “It’s decided, then. We can’t have kids. They will be demons.”