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  • Category: Golden Years

    Romance isn’t only the domain of the young. This category finds love tempered with honesty. Lots, and lots, and lots of honesty.

    War Of The Roses

    | CA, USA | Dating, Family/Kids, Golden Years

    (My boyfriend has promised to see me during my play, but now can’t make it for family reasons. To make it up to me, he buys me a bouquet of white roses. He comes over to my parents’ place, where I live.)

    Boyfriend: *kneeling* “Oh, my darling, if only words could put together the utmost regret I have for failing you at one of your brightest moments. Let these white roses symbolize my sincerest apologies and my earnest adoration for you.”

    Me: “Heh, laying it on thick, I see.”

    Boyfriend: “I try. Only the best for my sweetie-kins.”

    (As my boyfriend hands me the roses, my mother smacks my dad in the arm while sitting beside her.)

    Dad: “Ow! What did I do?”

    Mom: “How come you never do that kind of thing for me?!”

    (Some time later, my mom puts my boyfriend’s roses in a vase to freshen up my room.)

    Mom: “You know, legend has it that cut flowers live longer if the person that gave them to you really loves you.”

    Me: “Aw, that’s sweet! Daddy gave you flowers recently, didn’t he?”

    Mom: “…yeah, those only lasted for two days.”

    (Mine last for more than two weeks.)

    He Isn’t Getting Cirque Du So Laid

    | Colombia | Family/Kids, Fights/Breakups, Golden Years, Marriage & Partners

    (I am witnessing my parents getting ready to go out for dinner on a date-night.)

    Mum: “Honey, how do I look?”

    Dad: “You’re so beautiful! Just as beautiful as when we met!”

    Mum: “Don’t you think I should wear some make-up?”

    Dad: “Oh, no, that makes you look like a clown!”

    Mum: “Excuse me?”

    Dad: “I mean, a beautiful clown… not that I’d fancy a clown; they’re actually quite scary. I don’t mean you’re scary; I’m just defending your natural beauty.”

    Mum: “But what’s wrong with wearing some make-up to look better? All women do it.”

    Dad: “But you’re not a woman.”

    Mum: “What?!”

    Dad: “I mean, you’re not like most women; they’re usually shallow and spoiled and—can we just pretend the last five minutes never happened?”

    Mum: “You know what? We should just skip dinner!” *storms off*

    Me: “What’s the problem with mum?”

    Dad: *jokingly* “She’s in a bad mood because her circus performance got postponed.”

    (Mum storms back, very agitated.)

    Mum: “And now you’re turning them against me? What did I ever do to you?”

    Dad: “Sorry dear, I’ve just realised you are a woman, after all.”

    Mum: “Really? Why?”

    Dad: “You’re insane!”

    One Is Further Up Than The Other

    | Denver, CO, USA | Golden Years, Marriage & Partners

    (I am watching ‘UP’ for the first time, while the husband is quietly on the internet by himself. After watching the intro montage, I get rather teary.)

    Me: “Can we be like that when we’re old?”

    Husband: “I can. You’ll be dead.”

    Make His Life A Living Bell

    | MN, USA | Golden Years, Marriage & Partners, Top

    (I am a cashier at a small town pharmacy. An older customer walks in making a jingling sound, and I see that he has bells tied to his shoelaces. It is August, and he appears anything but jolly, so I am perplexed by the bells.)

    Me: “Sir, if you don’t mind my asking: why the bells?”

    Customer: “My wife is going deaf, and she gets mad when I ‘sneak up on her.’ This was her solution.”

    Short-Hand, Long Marriage

    | Long Island, NY, USA | Golden Years, Marriage & Partners, Top

    (My parents have been married about 25 years. My mother is reading the paper in the living room and my father wanders in.)

    Dad: “Where’s my thingamajig?”

    Mum: *doesn’t even look up* “On top of the hoosiwhatsis.”

    (Dad walks into the next room, straight to the piano, and picks up his shaving kit bag.)


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