(I am on a Skype call with my long distance boyfriend. We haven’t talked for a bit, and I eventually hear deep breathing on the other end.)

Me: “Are you falling asleep?”

Boyfriend: “Hm? No, I was just listening to music. I went into Zen mode.”

Me: “Oh, sorry for breaking you out of it!”

Boyfriend: “It’s alright! You can break me out of anything. Especially prison… if I ever get caught.”

Me: “What for?”

Boyfriend: “For stealing your heart!”

(My boyfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship from different colleges.)

Boyfriend: “Why can’t our relationship be easy for once?”

Me: “Because it’s a long-distance relationship. They’re never easy.”

Boyfriend: “Hard is true, but this is like level nine in Super Smash Bros hard!”

Me: “…and this is why it keeps working anyway.”

(My boyfriend is catching the train to come see me so we can sign a lease for a house. He calls me.)

Boyfriend: “An issue has occurred.”

(Seeing he’s the one the real estate’s been calling, I assume it’s got something to do with the house.)

Me: *nervously* “Yes?”

Boyfriend: “I can only catch an express train to come see you.”

(I’m confused, as this is a good thing.)

Me: “…so?”

Boyfriend: “Oh, I just felt like opening the phone call with ‘an issue has occurred’. You know, to raise your heart rate to mild panic attack and then bring it back down comfortingly. That way, you will either associate panic or comfort with me.”

(I am silent.)

Boyfriend: “…I’m hoping for the comfort.”

Me: “This wasn’t a well thought out plan, was it?”

(I am at work in New York, while my boyfriend is at a Magic tournament in Pennsylvania. We’re texting back and forth.)

Me: “I want cuddles right… MEOW!”

Boyfriend: “I’m sending you cuddles.”

(I type him a text in a storytelling format that he would be familiar with in his tournament.)

Me: ““Real cuddles,” she demanded. Her hero leaped through his phone, dematerialized into electromagnetic radiation, and suddenly leaped forth from her phone in a blaze of sparkling electronic glory. “As you wish,” he said, taking her into his powerful arms. He squeezed her so hard that she pooped. And they lived happily ever after.”

Boyfriend: “I like that story. Especially the end.”

Me: “With the poop?”

Boyfriend: “Exactly!”

Me: “In the sequel—spoiler alert—he poops too!”

Boyfriend: “Well of course he does.”

Me: “In the third and final installment, the evil Count Poopulon gives everyone constipation! Will our heroes stop him before everyone undergoes poopsplosion?!”

Boyfriend: “Certainly! With Fibe-o-Prune, the only slurry guaranteed to evacuate your entire skeleton, or your money back!”

(My partner lives an hour away, so I only see him on weekends. It’s the day after he left from a weekend visit, and we’re texting.)

Me: “I miss you already. I wish my big and strong man were here.”

Boyfriend: “Aww. I miss you too.”

Me: “Yeah. I have this gigantic zit on my back that really hurts. I can’t reach it, and my roommate is too grossed out by my request for him to pop it for me.”

Related:
Say Zip About The Zit