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    Category: Long Distance

    They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it can also make it go yonder. This category is dedicated to long distance relationships, which are often filled with as much laughter and lunacy as with love.

    Long Distance Can Put You In A Daze For Days

    | Curacao, Netherlands Antilles | Dating, Long Distance

    (My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship, and counting down to the next visit. At this point it’s 10 more days, so the next day is ‘single digit’ day. It’s also Monday.)

    Me: “Guess what day it is tomorrow?”

    Boyfriend: *while I’m typing the next sentence* “Thursday.”

    Me: “TOMORROW IS SINGLE DIGIT DAY— Wait a minute. That’s not even correct. Tomorrow is Tuesday. Are you even trying?”

    I Love You More If There Is Any Poetic Justice

    | The Netherlands | Dating, Long Distance

    (My boyfriend and I live in different countries. We usually talk through some form of chat programme.)

    Me: “I miss you…”

    Boyfriend: “I miss you, too. We’ll be together again soon, my love. And even if the land is separated by the wildest of seas, I will find my way back to you. No matter the height of the mountain, nor the depth of the ocean, nothing will keep me from you.”

    Me: “That’s beautiful. I love you more!”

    Boyfriend: “Excuse you. I just wrote poetry. I think I love you more.”

    Love Stinks

    | The Netherlands | Dating, Long Distance

    (I’m currently spending a semester abroad in Europe and am texting my boyfriend about my recent trip to the Keukenhof tulip gardens in the Netherlands.)

    Me: “Also, I wish you were here because it was kinda lonely to go by myself and it would’ve been romantic to be with you!”

    Boyfriend: “I wish I was there, too… It would be really romantic, and just nice to be around you.”

    Me: “Though a) to be fair, everything in Europe is romantic and b) anywhere that I’m with you would be romantic.”

    Boyfriend: “Oh, really?”

    Me: “I could probably enjoy touring a sewage plant as long as I was with you!”

    Boyfriend: “I love you!”

    How To Shave Your Relationship, Part 3

    | Paris, France | Dating, Long Distance

    (My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. He’s in Alberta, Canada; I’m in Paris. This takes place during a video chat regarding his facial hair. I’m a girl.)

    Me: “Please promise you’ll get rid of that goatee before I get back. I think it’s hideous.”

    Boyfriend: “Nah, I think it looks great!” *starts rubbing it*

    Me: “If you don’t shave it off, I’ll grow my own goatee. See how you like it!”

    Boyfriend: “Sweet! We can dye it the same color and have matching goatees!”

    Me: “Seriously? … Fine: half pink, half purple. How about that?”

    Boyfriend: *gasp* “CAN WE BRAID THEM?!”

    Me: “I love you, weirdo.”

    How To Shave Your Relationship, Part 2
    How To Shave Your Relationship

    The Late, Late Boyfriend

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Dating, Long Distance

    (My boyfriend is studying in another state, so we’re long distance. I’ve called him on my way home from my first day at a new job. I am very punctual, while he is notoriously late for EVERYTHING.)

    Me: “Well, a few of my new coworkers left half an hour early but I stayed and I got a lecture on being at work on time and staying until 5:30. I mean, yeah, they don’t know me, but as if I’m going to be late! It’s me! Now, YOU on the other hand—”

    Boyfriend: “Yeah, that’s what I was going to say. I might have a bit of trouble with that.”

    Me: “Please, you’d be late to your own funeral.”

    (There is a pause, and then he starts laughing.)

    Boyfriend: “You know what? I probably would. I can picture it now, MANY years in the future. Everyone standing around waiting for it to start, and being like, ‘where’s the body?.’  Someone says ‘the hearse is late,’ and everyone says ‘yeah, typical [Boyfriend].”

    Me: “I can picture that, too.”

    Boyfriend: “If you’re still around, can you say ‘typical [Boyfriend]?'”

    Me: “Absolutely. And then I’ll write ‘is he here yet?’ on your tombstone.”

    (We get each other.)

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