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    Category: Long Distance

    They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it can also make it go yonder. This category is dedicated to long distance relationships, which are often filled with as much laughter and lunacy as with love.

    Needs To Hear Himself Before He Can Heal Himself

    | Birmingham, England, UK | Dating, Long Distance, Top

    (My 18 month long-distance relationship with my boyfriend, who is much older than me, has been strained and awkward for around six months and I finally decide that we should break up. I am pretty sure he thinks the same, so I hope that the break up will be relatively painless. We meet for lunch at a restaurant near my home.)

    Me: “Thanks for meeting up with me. I think we both know that we need to talk.”

    Boyfriend: “I know what you mean. I’ve got something to say to you. It’s important and it has to be said.”

    Me: “Really? I mean, I know things have been a bit difficult lately but I wasn’t sure what you wanted to do about it.”

    Boyfriend: “You don’t need to tell me. I know stuff has been awkward between us lately and we have to do something about it. It can’t carry on like this.”

    Me: “Wow, I’m so glad you’re on the same page as me with this.”

    Boyfriend: “Well, it was inevitable, wasn’t it?”

    Me: “It was really. We can stay friends though, right?”

    Boyfriend: “Of course. Being friends is important. Husbands and wives should always be the best of friends.”

    Me: “Yes I— Wait, WHAT?!”

    (He kneels down and gets out a box with an engagement ring in it.)

    Boyfriend: “You’re my friend and the love of my life. Will you marry me?”

    Me: “No! I’m trying to break up with you. I thought that was what you meant!”

    (I get my coat and start to leave.)

    Boyfriend: “But marriage solves everything! It will fix all our problems! It can heal our relationship!”

    (He runs after me.)

    Boyfriend: “Come back! Let’s be healed!”

    (After I got away from him, he texted me for a month solid, begging to ‘let marriage heal me!’)

    The Bores Of Household Chores

    | Fort Hood, TX, USA | Long Distance, Marriage & Partners

    (My husband is deployed and we are messaging online. He’s one of the older guys in his unit, so he often makes fun of the younger guys he oversees, for their naïve views on life.)

    Husband: “The guys were discussing what they think is sexy. These kids have no idea what sexy is. Most of them said, coming home to their wives who are wearing nothing but high heels, holding a beer in one hand, and a sandwich in the other.”

    Me: “Aww, I’m sure you gave them one of your patented ‘Wise Old Man’ lessons.”

    Husband: “Of course! I said the sexiest thing ever would be coming home to you naked, wearing your red high heels—”

    Me: “Of course you did.”

    Husband: “—standing in the kitchen you just cleaned, with a vacuum in one hand and a taco casserole in the other, with a basket of folded laundry at your feet, while emptying the dishwasher.”

    The Battery Has An Immortal Charge

    | England, UK | Dating, Long Distance

    (My girlfriend and I are in a long distance relationship: she lives in New York, USA, I live in London, England. We’re talking online and I’m trying to persuade her to save her battery when she’s travelling in the car.)

    Me: “Don’t drain your battery for me.”

    Girlfriend: “I want to though!”

    Me: “Nooo!”

    Me: “What if you get in a car crash and you can’t call an ambulance because you wasted your battery on me?”

    Girlfriend: “Babe, it’s fine.”

    Me: “Then you’d be dead and it would be my fault.”

    Girlfriend: “Worst case scenario, baby.”

    Me: “But it could happen.”

    Girlfriend: “Honestly! My mom has a phone, too. You know?”

    Me: “But, still.”

    Me: “Promise me you won’t die?”

    Girlfriend: “I can’t promise that. But I promise to stay safe.”

    Me: “No! You have to promise to ascend above your mortality and become an immortal being akin to deities!”

    Girlfriend: “…You weren’t supposed to know I could do that.”


    | England, UK | Dating, Long Distance, Top

    (I am texting my long distance boyfriend about his Christmas present. I had it sent by courier as it’s expensive.)

    Me: “So, has it arrived yet?”

    Boyfriend: “No. I’m so excited. Look at my excited face! :D DDDDDDD”

    Me: “That’s a lot of D’s…”

    Boyfriend: “There’s no time for D’s baby! It’s here!”

    Me: “Good I hope you love it!”

    Boyfriend: “OHMYGOD! OHMYGOD! AN XBOX ONE?! There’s something I need to talk to you about… I think we should see other people :/”

    (I ignored his text as I knew he’s only playing, and went to shower. When I got back I had multiple missed calls and texts from him, all saying he was joking and begging me to forgive him! One even said he’d give up his new Xbox if I’d reply to him!)

    Love In The Time Of Zombies: Christmas Special

    | CA, USA | Dating, Long Distance, Theme Of The Month

    (My boyfriend and I have been doing the long-distance thing for the last five of the nine months we’ve been dating. My birthday is a few days before Christmas. We have made plans to have me meet his mom on that day. He plans to give me both a Christmas gift and a birthday gift. Although I’m the sentimental sort, I’ve been wracking my brain trying to think of what to give to him. I’m trying to get him to reveal anything I can use to make a meaningful gift for him that he’ll like.)

    Me: “I’m trying to come up with some ideas for what to do to celebrate Christmas with you in some way. I want to do something special, but my imagination’s lacking.”

    Boyfriend: “I am not ignoring you. Just got home five minutes ago. Eating mac and cheese. And anything is special as long as it’s with you.”

    Me: “HOW!? You are wonderful. I can’t help wondering how you do it? Make me feel like I do?’”

    Boyfriend: “Thank my mom for raising a gentleman. Chivalry isn’t dead; it’s a boss.”

    Me: “A thousand times I thank her. Chivalry is a zombie. People thought they’d killed it, but it keeps coming back. And totally wants women for their brains.”

    Love In The Time Of Zombies, Part 4
    Love In The Time Of Zombies, Part 3
    Love In The Time Of Zombies, Part 2
    Love In The Time Of Zombies

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