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  • Not In A Rush To Have Another One
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  • Category: Long Distance

    They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it can also make it go yonder. This category is dedicated to long distance relationships, which are often filled with as much laughter and lunacy as with love.

    How To Shave Your Relationship, Part 3

    | Paris, France | Dating, Long Distance

    (My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. He’s in Alberta, Canada; I’m in Paris. This takes place during a video chat regarding his facial hair. I’m a girl.)

    Me: “Please promise you’ll get rid of that goatee before I get back. I think it’s hideous.”

    Boyfriend: “Nah, I think it looks great!” *starts rubbing it*

    Me: “If you don’t shave it off, I’ll grow my own goatee. See how you like it!”

    Boyfriend: “Sweet! We can dye it the same color and have matching goatees!”

    Me: “Seriously? … Fine: half pink, half purple. How about that?”

    Boyfriend: *gasp* “CAN WE BRAID THEM?!”

    Me: “I love you, weirdo.”

    How To Shave Your Relationship, Part 2
    How To Shave Your Relationship

    The Late, Late Boyfriend

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Dating, Long Distance

    (My boyfriend is studying in another state, so we’re long distance. I’ve called him on my way home from my first day at a new job. I am very punctual, while he is notoriously late for EVERYTHING.)

    Me: “Well, a few of my new coworkers left half an hour early but I stayed and I got a lecture on being at work on time and staying until 5:30. I mean, yeah, they don’t know me, but as if I’m going to be late! It’s me! Now, YOU on the other hand—”

    Boyfriend: “Yeah, that’s what I was going to say. I might have a bit of trouble with that.”

    Me: “Please, you’d be late to your own funeral.”

    (There is a pause, and then he starts laughing.)

    Boyfriend: “You know what? I probably would. I can picture it now, MANY years in the future. Everyone standing around waiting for it to start, and being like, ‘where’s the body?.’  Someone says ‘the hearse is late,’ and everyone says ‘yeah, typical [Boyfriend].”

    Me: “I can picture that, too.”

    Boyfriend: “If you’re still around, can you say ‘typical [Boyfriend]?’”

    Me: “Absolutely. And then I’ll write ‘is he here yet?’ on your tombstone.”

    (We get each other.)

    Needs To Hear Himself Before He Can Heal Himself

    | Birmingham, England, UK | Dating, Long Distance, Top

    (My 18 month long-distance relationship with my boyfriend, who is much older than me, has been strained and awkward for around six months and I finally decide that we should break up. I am pretty sure he thinks the same, so I hope that the break up will be relatively painless. We meet for lunch at a restaurant near my home.)

    Me: “Thanks for meeting up with me. I think we both know that we need to talk.”

    Boyfriend: “I know what you mean. I’ve got something to say to you. It’s important and it has to be said.”

    Me: “Really? I mean, I know things have been a bit difficult lately but I wasn’t sure what you wanted to do about it.”

    Boyfriend: “You don’t need to tell me. I know stuff has been awkward between us lately and we have to do something about it. It can’t carry on like this.”

    Me: “Wow, I’m so glad you’re on the same page as me with this.”

    Boyfriend: “Well, it was inevitable, wasn’t it?”

    Me: “It was really. We can stay friends though, right?”

    Boyfriend: “Of course. Being friends is important. Husbands and wives should always be the best of friends.”

    Me: “Yes I— Wait, WHAT?!”

    (He kneels down and gets out a box with an engagement ring in it.)

    Boyfriend: “You’re my friend and the love of my life. Will you marry me?”

    Me: “No! I’m trying to break up with you. I thought that was what you meant!”

    (I get my coat and start to leave.)

    Boyfriend: “But marriage solves everything! It will fix all our problems! It can heal our relationship!”

    (He runs after me.)

    Boyfriend: “Come back! Let’s be healed!”

    (After I got away from him, he texted me for a month solid, begging to ‘let marriage heal me!’)

    The Bores Of Household Chores

    | Fort Hood, TX, USA | Long Distance, Marriage & Partners

    (My husband is deployed and we are messaging online. He’s one of the older guys in his unit, so he often makes fun of the younger guys he oversees, for their naïve views on life.)

    Husband: “The guys were discussing what they think is sexy. These kids have no idea what sexy is. Most of them said, coming home to their wives who are wearing nothing but high heels, holding a beer in one hand, and a sandwich in the other.”

    Me: “Aww, I’m sure you gave them one of your patented ‘Wise Old Man’ lessons.”

    Husband: “Of course! I said the sexiest thing ever would be coming home to you naked, wearing your red high heels—”

    Me: “Of course you did.”

    Husband: “—standing in the kitchen you just cleaned, with a vacuum in one hand and a taco casserole in the other, with a basket of folded laundry at your feet, while emptying the dishwasher.”

    The Battery Has An Immortal Charge

    | England, UK | Dating, Long Distance

    (My girlfriend and I are in a long distance relationship: she lives in New York, USA, I live in London, England. We’re talking online and I’m trying to persuade her to save her battery when she’s travelling in the car.)

    Me: “Don’t drain your battery for me.”

    Girlfriend: “I want to though!”

    Me: “Nooo!”

    Me: “What if you get in a car crash and you can’t call an ambulance because you wasted your battery on me?”

    Girlfriend: “Babe, it’s fine.”

    Me: “Then you’d be dead and it would be my fault.”

    Girlfriend: “Worst case scenario, baby.”

    Me: “But it could happen.”

    Girlfriend: “Honestly! My mom has a phone, too. You know?”

    Me: “But, still.”

    Me: “Promise me you won’t die?”

    Girlfriend: “I can’t promise that. But I promise to stay safe.”

    Me: “No! You have to promise to ascend above your mortality and become an immortal being akin to deities!”

    Girlfriend: “…You weren’t supposed to know I could do that.”

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