Husband: “I’m going to defer to your judgment on this, since you are the more sensible one.”
Me: “Oh, wow, I am! I’m so used to you being better at me than everything. But you’re very abstract and factual in your intelligence, while I’m more down to earth and practical.”
Husband: “Thank you.”
Me: “I’m so used to you being right all the time. It’s one of the qualities I married you for. Haha, it’s because you’re Mr. Right—”
Husband: “—I want a divorce.”
Divorce For Dessert
(My boyfriend proposes after a seven-year relationship. We are not religious, even though his parents are. We are having dinner with his parents.)
Dad: “You two had better become Christians. You need to thank God; he made it happen.”
Fiancé: “We don’t believe in God. I understand you do, and we respect it. But please don’t push it on us. We are getting married because we want it to happen; not God, nor anyone else.”
Mom: “I think you need to reconsider. Two nights ago, we were wondering when you would marry. I prayed to God for you to marry, and it worked!”
Dad: “Yep. So it is God’s work. Who knows how many more years you’d go on without proposing if we hadn’t prayed?”
Fiancé: “Did you say just two nights ago?”
Fiancé: “I started ring shopping three weeks ago, and bought it last week.”
Mom: “Well, you probably would have just kept it, and been afraid to ask if we hadn’t prayed!”
(I have been telling my boyfriend about a good friend’s engagement—in all its cheesiness. They have been dating just as long as my boyfriend and I.)
Boyfriend: “Yeah, I’m never going to do that. In all honesty, I’d only want to get married for the insurance and tax benefits.”
Me: “And the wedding gifts.”
Boyfriend: “I’m not worth marrying anyway. Don’t marry me for me; marry me for something bigger. We’d have to have a house first, so you couldn’t leave me. A house with a jacuzzi.”
Me: “I’d marry you for a jacuzzi.”
(My husband and I met when I was working at a travel store. He had stopped in to look at satellite radios, and I was the one who ended up helping him. We’re talking about how we met a few years later.)
Husband: “Yeah, I just came in to buy a radio, and there you were.”
Me: “Well, it’s not like I was nice to you. I was mean to almost everybody so they’d leave me alone.”
Husband: “I know! But when you went and got the radio out of the case, you stayed kneeling on the ground and your pants slid down a little on the back and I could see your butt a little.”
Husband: “Well, yeah! You didn’t think I was looking at a radio for twenty minutes, did you?”
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