(My partner and I are talking through a messaging program while she’s out on the road getting groceries. I live in Europe, while she resides in the US.)

Partner: “Hey, I’m going to get myself a sub.”

Me: “Get me one!”

Partner: “But I can’t deliver it to you!”

Me: “Just push it through your phone!”

Partner: “But my connection is slow here; it’ll only arrive a few bits per second!”

Me: “That’s okay; I can’t eat it whole anyway.”

(I’m a known klutz; I commonly trip or fall. I have just purchased a new reusable water bottle, and I am proudly carrying it. Then, I drop it.)

Me: “UGH! See, this is why I can’t have nice things.”

Boyfriend: “You can have nice things.”

Me: “Well, I do have you!”

Boyfriend: “I have insurance.”

Related:
More Insurance, Less Assurance

(My husband and I text each other sometimes at work. The night before, we had watched ‘Game of Thrones’, which contained a scene with a bear and a maiden in a pit.)

Me: “Random thought. You wouldn’t sacrifice me to a bear for amusement if you get tired of me, would you?”

Husband: “No, wolverine would be funnier.”

Me: “Ooh, I would so huggle him! I would NEVER let him go. Wait—animal or X-Men?”

Husband: “Angry animal.”

Me: “Awww.”

(My husband and I are both big fans of the collective works of Joss Whedon. On the way to work, I’m watching out the window as my husband is driving. We often see geese on the grassy area to the side of the road, but this morning I see something new.)

Me: “Oh, my God, goslings! They’re so cute; I want to juggle them!”

Husband: *snorts* “I don’t think they’d appreciate that.”

(We ride for a little while in silence, and then I start singing a song I’ve got stuck in my head.)

Me: “…shiny new Australia!”

Husband: “Ha! You went from goslings, to Firefly, and worked your way over to Dr. Horrible didn’t you?”

Me: “Yup.”

Husband: “Two bodies—”

Me: “—one mind.”

(I’ve just been really silly with my husband. Sometimes I speak quietly, and he can’t hear me.)

Me: “Are you sure you are okay with my crazy?”

Husband: “Am what?”

(I thinking he didn’t hear.)

Me: “Are you sure you’re okay putting up with my crazy?”

Husband: “What now?”

Me: “Are you sure—” *catches on* “—dumb-a**.”

Husband: “I’m okay with it, especially since I’m the cause for most of it.”

Related:
Cause And Defect

(My boyfriend and I have just moved in together, and our new apartment has spotty wifi in some rooms. I have been the go-to ‘IT girl’ my whole life, with sort of a magic touch for technology.)

Boyfriend: “Ugh, the wifi’s out again.”

Me: “What? Let me see.”

(I walk over.)

Boyfriend: “Yay! It’s back up! Thank you, wifi fairy!”

Me: “Wifi fairy?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, you’re the wifi fairy from the Router’s castle in the land of the Internet! You bring the wifi with you wherever you go!”

Me: “You’re nuts; I love you.”

Boyfriend: “Oh, s***. It froze. Now I have to summon the IT princess. Wifi fairy, can you contact the land of the Internet, and ask them to send the IT princess, please?”

Me: “Sorry, dude, your princess is in another castle.”

(My husband calls me on his way home from work. He knows that I’m feeling quite sick, and that it is possibly the flu.)

Husband: “Hey, how are you feeling?”

Me: “Ugh. Let’s see… death warmed over would be a step up.”

Husband: “And after that is death freshly cooked?”

Me: “Yes, death freshly prepared with a nice side salad.”

Husband: “We are not ‘death eaters’ in our home, young lady!”

(My husband is a contractor, who is deployed three out of every four months. He is about to return home. We have a four-month-old son. We are talking online about me coming off birth-control pills.)

Me: “The biggest reason for me not going on the birth control is because it is a pill that has to be taken at the same time every day, or you run the risk of failure. I’m crap at that.”

Husband: “Okay, makes sense. By the way, what are we going to be doing about that this time when I get home?”

Me: “Condoms, at least that’s my thought. Or you know, we could just see what happens!”

Husband: “We already know what happens.”

(I am snuggling up to my boyfriend while we go to sleep. I am a terrible sleeper, and can never stay still. My arm’s going from his shoulder, to his hip, to his head, etc…)

Boyfriend: “Find a place to perch.”

Me: “I can’t.”

Boyfriend: “Then get off the d*** roost!”

(My husband cringes at puns, and I occasionally make some really bad ones.)

Me: *tells joke*

(He cringes.)

Husband: “I love you. I reeeaally love you.”

Me: “I know!”

Husband: “I wasn’t telling you that; I was reminding myself.”