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    Very Down Under The Rainbow

    , | NE, USA | Flirting/How We Met

    (My roommate is sitting on his bed, staring at the wall and looking glum.)

    Me: “Everything okay?”

    Roommate: “Well, I’m emotionally conflicted. I went to dinner with my study group, and [the girl he has a secret crush on] said she thinks my hair’s cute. So I’m full of rainbows and stuff now.”

    Me: “Then why don’t you look like it?”

    Roommate: “I just realized I only tipped my waiter 15% instead of 20% since our group was so big, and now I feel like s***.”

    Me: “S***ty rainbows, huh?”

    Roommate: “It’s a very odd feeling, believe me.”

    Starting Small

    | TN, USA | Dating

    (I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a while but he hasn’t communicated his feelings at all so far. We just finished watching a movie and we’re making out before going back to school.)

    Boyfriend: “I feel like my car is too small.”

    Me: “But I’m small, too!”

    Boyfriend: “You’re right! Maybe that’s why I love you.”

    (It takes a second but then we both realize what he just said.)

    Boyfriend: “I mean… not love… that’d be weird…”

    Me: “Well, at least you finally said something.”

    With Great Sleep Deprivation…

    | Detroit, MI, USA | Engaged

    (I work the midnight shift so I’m up all night and sleep when I get home in the morning. My fiancé is normally asleep when I get in bed and I usually try not to wake him. This conversation occurs after getting in bed and hearing something on the roof of our house.)

    Me: “Babe, did you hear that?”

    Fiancé: “Hear what?”

    Me: “It sounded like something on the roof.”

    Fiancé: “… probably a squirrel.”

    Me: “Yeah, you’re probably right”

    (There’s silence for a few seconds and I think he has fallen back to sleep.)

    Fiancé: “… or Spiderman.”

    Me: “I would like to think it’s Spiderman going to save the citizens of our city.”

    Nip This One In The Bud, Part 2

    | AB, Canada | Dating

    (My boyfriend goes to pet the cat’s tummy.)

    Boyfriend: “Hey, she has nipples!”

    Me: “Um, of course she does. She’s a mammal.”

    Boyfriend: “I thought she was fixed, so she wouldn’t?”

    Me: “All mammals have nipples: male, female, fixed, or fertile. Or did you forget you have nipples too?”

    Nip This One In The Bud

    A Jerk Reaction

    | USA | Flirting/How We Met

    (I’m out with a friend who has zero patience with men who won’t listen when you say you aren’t interested, and even less patience with pick-up artists. We’re at the bar having a conversation, and the guy to her right starts trying to chat her up. She keeps looking at me and completely ignoring him until this happens.)

    Guy: “HEY!” *grabbing her wrist* “I’m TALKING to you!”

    Friend: “And a person with half a brain figures out that somebody who ignores them doesn’t want to talk to them. And don’t touch me.” *pulls her wrist away*

    Guy: *suddenly sly, with a very smooth tone* “Well, all I wanted was your attention, baby girl.” *tries to put his arm around her shoulders*

    Friend: “If you put your hands on me after I just told you not to touch me, we’re going to have a problem, kid.”

    Guy: *indignant* “All I want is your number! Is that too much to ask?!”

    Friend: “Yes.”

    Guy: “I’m not going to stop until you give it to me.”

    (She rolls her eyes, and grabs a napkin and a pen, pulling out her phone. She looks up a number that she has listed under “Mine”, and hands it to him.)

    Guy: “Why’d you have to loo—”

    Friend: “It’s a new number, so I saved it in the phone. Now, go away.”

    Guy: “Not until you promise to answer the phone when I call you.”

    Friend: “Oops, sorry that wasn’t part of the deal. You only asked for the number.”

    (He gets thrown out a few minutes later for picking a fight with another guy when he tried to hit on the guy’s sister. Then this happens.)

    Me: “That wasn’t your number that you wrote on that napkin.”

    Friend: *setting down her drink* “I know.”

    Me: “So, what was it?”

    Friend: *grinning* “The rejection hotline.”

    (She explained that she kept it stored under “mine” in her phone for just these circumstances – guys who won’t take no for an answer. We ran into that same guy a few weeks later who was furious that she’d given him the rejection hotline number. She pointed out that he had been harassing her when she’d pretty clearly been uninterested.)

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