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    Sweating Over A Cake

    | Norwalk, CT, USA | Dating

    (I have just come home from the gym after a very intense spinning class. It’s late and I want to get started on baking a cake I need for the next day, so I postpone my shower – but make sure my hands/forearms are squeaky clean, of course!)

    Me: *humming/singing to myself as I prepare the batter from scratch* “La-la-la-la”

    (I call out to my boyfriend in the other room.)

    Me: “Hey, look at me! I’m Betty Crocker!”

    Boyfriend: “Oh, really?! Do you have an apron on and everything?”

    Me: “Does big, sweaty underwear count?”

    Boyfriend: “Sure!”

    Love Some Body

    | Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Dating

    (I’m texting my girlfriend while I’m having a bad and very busy day at work.)

    Me: “I’ve got a lot less pressure on me now. It turns out the customer whose order I’m working on died last night.”

    Girlfriend: “Hmmm, coincidence?”

    Me: “I’ve said too much.”

    Girlfriend: “I won’t tell.”

    Me: “That’s good to know.”

    Girlfriend: “I’d totally help you bury a dead body.”

    Me: “That’s even better to know!”

    The Only Thing That Changed Was Her Mind

    | USA | Flirting/How We Met, Young Love

    (Two years prior to this, I met a boy at the park near my house. I was a book-loving goody-two-shoes, while he was a bit of a bad boy who spoke about wanting to smoke and do drugs. He’d flirted with me, and being a naive 14-year-old, I hadn’t seen I might be getting into a bad situation. Though he’d asked me go out with him we lost track of each other. Now, I meet him again in the same park by chance. Before he sees me, I notice he’s holding a cigarette, and making several crude, racist, and homophobic jokes with his friends. Then, he turns around and recognizes me.)

    Him: “Hey, I know you! How you doin’?”

    Me: “Fine. I’m in a bit of a hurry, so I should probably get going.”

    Him: “Well, how about giving me your number first?”

    Me: “Erm, I’ll pass on that, thanks.”

    His Friend: “Come on, give him your number!”

    Him: “Yeah, I wanna get to know you better.”

    Me: “Dude, I said no. Two years ago, I didn’t see that letting you hit on me was a bad idea, and after the few sentences I’ve heard you say today, I feel even more so. I’m not interested, so if you could kindly f*** off, I would really appreciate it.”

    Him: “…You’ve changed!”

    (After realizing I was tougher than he thought, he backed off pretty fast.)

    Stripped Of All Seriousness

    | LA, USA | Dating

    (I’m expecting my boyfriend to be home at around 8. At 7:30, he calls me.)

    Me: “Hi, sweetie!”

    Boyfriend: “I’m at the strip club, looking at kitty.”

    Me: “Wha–!?”

    Boyfriend: “I’ll be home when I want!”

    (We both started laughing, and it took me so long to calm down that he actually started laughing again while he was waiting.)

    How To Train Your Imaginary Dragon

    | Laconia, NH, USA | Dating

    (I am sitting on the couch reading while my boyfriend does homework on the floor. He turns to me and begins telling me about mind theories.)

    Boyfriend: “So, basically, believing is being. If you believe in something enough, it will happen.”

    Me: *closing my eyes hard* “I BELIEVE… IN DRAGONS!”

    (I open my eyes and look around. I sigh: no dragons in sight.)

    Boyfriend: “You don’t believe enough.” *goes back to his homework like nothing happened*

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