• Making A Mountain Out Of The Proposal
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    Don’t Write Fake Flipping Checks

    | Marysville, CA, USA | Flirting/How We Met

    (I am about five months pregnant with my first child. I am chatting with a customer who is at least 20 years older than me and find out my baby’s due date is the same day as his birthday. After that he always comes in and speaks to me.)

    Customer: “Look what I got today.”

    (He shows me an envelope that looks like a life insurance offer, complete with fake check for $100,000.)

    Customer: “This is an advance on my record studio contract.”

    Me: *pretending to believe him* “Oh, that’s great! I’m so happy for you!”

    Customer: *hands me a note* “Here, just read this. I’ll see you later.”

    (When I go on my break, I read the note in which the customer has offered to give me half of his check, $50,000, if I would just sleep with him once. He is old and lonely, and I could finally marry my man (I have been married five years), go to college, and quit flipping burgers. I show my manager, and all she has to say is:)

    Manager: “We don’t flip burgers. We char-broil them!”

    Trying To Grab The Concept

    | Brisbane, QLD, Australia | Dating

    (I’m lying in bed with my girlfriend when she suddenly climbs onto my chest.)

    Girlfriend: “Why don’t guys have boobs?”

    Me: “What!?”

    Girlfriend: “It’s unfair. You always grope mine but there’s nothing for me to grab!”

    Me: “…”

    Don’t Cheapen It

    | NJ, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I live together. We met online on a free dating site and have been together almost a year. We are sitting on the couch watching TV when a commercial comes on for another free dating site. The commercial is comparing a free dating site and a paid dating site, saying that you don’t have to put out money to “find love.”)

    Me: “Look, we’re proof you can find love on a free dating site.”

    Boyfriend: “Yeah, we found each other on a dating site for cheap people!”

    Choose A Different Period

    | PA, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend is making dinner while I sort out some emails. I begin to get a little worried.)

    Me: “I just hope this woman isn’t angry with me.”

    Boyfriend: “Maybe she’s on her period, and she’s trying to be happy but sounds unhappy by accident.”

    Me: *half-laughing, half serious* “You have got to stop that.”

    Boyfriend: “Stop what?”

    Me: “You have got to stop making period jokes!”

    Boyfriend: “Okay, Jane Austen.”

    Me: “…”

    Kidding Themselves

    | WA, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend is showing me a picture where a parent is playing with their two-year-old and spelling cuss words in the toy blocks.)

    Boyfriend: “We’re totally going to do that when we have kids.”

    Me: “Yeah, probably. We’re gonna be terrible parents.”

    Boyfriend: “Are you kidding? We’re going to be great parents!”

    Me: “We’ll be good parents.”

    Boyfriend: “We’ll be okay parents.”

    Me: “…At least we won’t kill the kid.”

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