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    Thinking Inches Apart

    | Adelaide, SA, Australia | Marriage & Partners

    (It’s late one night and my husband and I are in bed together about to have marital relations.)

    Me: “I’m pretty tired so I’ve only got about 10 minutes in me.”

    Husband: “Well, soon you’ll have about 10 inches in you.”

    Me: “Really? Who else is coming?”

    Own Your Anxiety

    | MI, USA | Engaged

    (My fiancé and I are chatting on Facebook, when I mention that my anxiety issues are making it difficult to apply for grad school. Note that we are both fans of ‘Doctor Who.’)

    Fiancé: “Fear is a super power, you know.”

    Me: “Yeah, against a monster that’s probably completely made up.”

    Fiancé: “…”

    Me: “Oh, crap. That’s basically what my anxiety disorder is.”

    Fiancé: *winks*

    Me: “I just owned myself.”

    A Poster Child For Children

    | Syracuse, NY, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I arrive at the zoo. We can tell just by looking that it’s rather empty because it’s one pm on a Friday and it’s during the school year. At this point, we just got out of the truck.)

    Boyfriend: “But why does there have to be children here?”

    Me: “Um, we’re at a zoo?”

    Boyfriend: “Yes, but why does there have to be children here?”

    (I look around. There’s a lady with a baby and a kid who looks to be about three and that’s about it. And they’re leaving.)

    Me: *laughs* “What are you going to do when we have children?”

    Boyfriend: “Ask why there’s children here.”

    Me: “Poor kids are going to be so confused. I can picture it now. ‘Mooooomm, why is dad being weird. I was just sitting on the couch and he walked in and went, ‘Ugh, but why’s there gotta be children here?””

    Boyfriend: “Exactly. And then I’ll tell them they’re fired and to get out of my house.”

    Me: “How do you fire someone from being your child…?”

    (There was no answer to this question… However, I did notice that whenever there was a kid nearby who was acting sweet/adorable, he was watching them and smiling/chuckling. Especially at the one who was having his dad hold him over his head and laughing hysterically.)

    You’re My Number One Monkey

    | CA, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (My wife and I are lying on the bed, in our underwear.)

    Wife: “You should get naked. You look better naked.”

    Me: “So do you.”

    Wife: “Oh, yeah?”

    Me: “Yeah.”

    Wife: “Come on.” *tries to take off my shirt* “Monkey see, monkey do!”

    Me: “Monkey pee all over you!”

    (My wife started smacking me with pillows.)

    Road Ragey-Wagey

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Engaged

    (I am driving and my fiancé is a passenger in my car. As we are about to merge onto the expressway, another car cuts us off. It should be noted that I generally don’t swear.)

    Me: *to the driver who cut me off* “You butthead fartface poop!”

    Fiancé: “Wow, [My Name], that’s some strong language there!”

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