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    The ‘L’ Word

    | ON, Canada | Dating

    (My girlfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship, so we talk on the phone a lot.)

    Girlfriend: “I just want to jump on the train and give you a big hug right now.”

    Me: “That sounds like a plan to me. Sadly, stupid things like logic and logistics and other words starting with ‘L’ get in the way.”

    Girlfriend: “Llamas?”

    Me: “Yup, llamas. There’s going to be a llama standing in front of your train so you can’t leave the station. And I’m going to yell at it, and call it a big furry alpaca wannabe… but it won’t do me any good, because llamas don’t speak English.”

    Lovingly Slamming A Door In Your Face

    | NY, USA | Dating, Theme Of The Month

    (My boyfriend and I have just had an argument, and he ends up storming out, slamming the door hard behind him. He comes back a few moments later.)

    Boyfriend: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to slam it that hard. I’m still gonna go for a walk, though. I love you.”

    Don’t Push Me Away

    | NY, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend is the kind of person who says things without thinking. He can sound patronizing or rude but doesn’t realize how he sounds until after he says it, when it’s too late. I’ve spoken to him about thinking of my feelings. Despite this, he is ultimately a good guy. We are lying on his bed cuddling.)

    Me: “You know, you’ve been really nice to me lately. It’s almost weirding me out.”

    Boyfriend: *wordlessly pushes me out of the bed, onto the floor*

    Me: “Hey!”

    Boyfriend: “Do you feel better now?”

    (Luckily for him, I thought it was funny.)

    Feel-Good Language

    | NY, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I are talking on the phone about my plans to work out more and be healthier in general. He is a scientist, while I am a writer.)

    Boyfriend: “You know, exercising is proven to release feel good thingies in your head. It’s a fact.”

    Me: “By ‘feel good thingies in your head’, I assume you mean ‘endorphins in your brain’?”

    Boyfriend: “Well, I didn’t want to get all technical on you.”

    Me: “God forbid.”

    Only Interested In The Football Race

    | USA | Marriage & Partners

    (My best friend’s little sister is getting married, and I’ve been invited to the wedding. Since we live across the country, my partner hasn’t met many of the people I talk about, even though we’re engaged. Note: My hometown’s college football team has a friendly rivalry with another state’s college football team. I’m in the bedroom while my partner is across the hall brushing his teeth.)

    Me: *reading the postmark on the invitation* “Huh. I wonder who mailed out the invites. [Little Sister] & [Her Fiance]‘s invitation is postmarked Ohio.”

    Partner: *very incredulously* “IS SHE MARRYING A BLACK GUY?!”

    (Since my little sister is white, this can occasionally have social complications, despite it being the modern age. I am so angry at this even remotely being an issue with him, since it is so out of character, that I am ready to break off our own wedding, and certainly ready for a fight. I steel myself and reply in a very angry tone.)

    Me: “Not that it matters but as it happens, yeah. You got a problem with it?!

    Partner: “Only because you guys have that rivalry. U of M has the rivalry with Ohio State, right?”

    (Not understanding what the rivalry has to do with him being black, suddenly it dawns on me that I may have misheard him.)

    Me: “Wait, what did you ask if he is?”

    Partner: “A BUCKEYE.”

    Me: *giggling uproariously, and somewhat hysterically relieved* “Oh.”

    Partner: “What did you think I said?”

    Me: “I thought you asked if he was a BLACK GUY. I was about to dump your a**!”

    Partner: “I don’t give a f*** what race he is. I just want to know what college he went to!”

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