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    Passing Some Rolling Stones

    | OH, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (My husband was experiencing a rather noisy episode in the bathroom. After a few minutes, mock indignant, I yelled from the other end of the house:)

    Me: “I don’t have to listen to that s***!”

    Husband: *laughing* “It’s gas.”

    (After a short pause, we both simultaneously started singing:)

    Me & Husband:Jumping Jack Flash, it’s a gas, gas, gas!

    Persuasion To Impregnation

    | PA, USA | Dating, Theme Of The Month

    (My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over two years. Six months ago I was diagnosed with PCOS, which is an endocrine/reproductive disorder where I don’t ovulate regularly and my body doesn’t regulate hormones properly. It also means that I’m almost guaranteed to have difficulty conceiving and carrying a child to term. Because of this and all of the conversations we’ve had to have, he knows more than he ever wanted to about female reproduction. Note: He also gets a little loopy when he’s tired.)

    Boyfriend: *laying with his head on my stomach* “I’m pregnant.”

    Me: “…what?”

    Boyfriend: “Yep! Are you pregnant, too?”

    Me: “I should hope not.”

    Boyfriend: “Why aren’t you pregnant?”

    Me: “Well, one you have to have sex to become pregnant. That’s kind of how it works.”

    Boyfriend: “What about Mary?”

    Me: “I haven’t had any angels visiting me telling me that I’m carrying God’s child, so again, sex is necessary. Two, I’m on birth control. And three, even if I wasn’t you know that’s not very likely.”

    Boyfriend: “Oh. Well, I’ll carry our children!”

    Me: “Who’s the father?”

    Boyfriend: “I am!”

    Me: “Then who is the other parent?”

    Boyfriend: “An alien. An alien impregnated me. But it’s not too fun being pregnant, so I think I’ll transfer the pregnancy to you. You’ve always wanted kids, right? Now you’ll get to experience pregnancy!”

    (He sits up and starts waggling his fingers towards me with a look of concentration on his face.)

    Boyfriend: “There! Now you’re pregnant.”

    (He pats then kisses my stomach.)

    Boyfriend: “I love our little alien baby…”

    Me: “…”

    Your Butt Is Smoking

    | Fort Worth, TX, USA | Engaged

    (My fiancée and I are up late, perusing through our phones and I realize I’m missing my e-cig. I start searching for it.)

    Me: “Hmm.” *rummages through my blankets*

    Fiancée: “What are you looking for?”

    Me: *as my hand crosses the border from my side to her side* “My e-cig.” *my hand wanders under her butt*

    Fiancée: *in a slightly higher tone of voice* “It’s. Not. In. There.”

    Me: “I know.” *gooses her butt playfully and kisses her deeply*

    (At this point she squirms and moans a bit and I retreat to my side of the bed.)

    Fiancée: “YOU F****** TEASE!”

    Me: *cackling* “Found it!”

    Not To Toot His Own Horn

    | Italy | Marriage & Partners

    (My husband found a gift in a packet of chips: a whistle that makes a sound like an air horn. He starts blowing it. It’s VERY loud, it’s late, and I’m tired.)

    Me: *annoyed* “You know where I’m going to shove that thing, do you?”

    Husband: “You know that’s only going to make it louder, don’t you?”

    Supervillains Need Love Too

    | Australia | Dating

    (I’m texting my relatively new boyfriend one day when this comes up.)

    Boyfriend: “Autocorrect changes it’s first choice based on what I’ve previously typed. Can you guess what the first suggestion for the letter ‘B’ is?”

    Me: “Umm… maniacal laughter?”

    Boyfriend: “‘Bwahahahaha‘ is correct! Apparently I’m a supervillain.”

    Me: “Not sure whether to feel proud or worried about this…”

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