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Looking For His Bag Lady

| VA, USA | Flirting/How We Met, Marriage & Partners, Themed Giveaway

(I pick up some fresh kale and don’t bother to get a produce bag for it. I then go over to another section to compare prices on a couple things. There is a guy nearby, stocking items.)

Guy: “Need a bag for that?”

Me: *polite smile* “No, I’m good. Thanks.”

Guy: “You sure?”

Me: “Yeah, I’m sure.”

Guy: “Why don’t you want a bag?”

Me: *slightly confused as to why this is such an issue* “Because I don’t need one?”

Guy: *with an attitude* “Well I guess that’s what I get. I’m just trying to be nice. But nice guys finish last, right?”

(My eyes go wide and I turn and stare at the shelves in front of me for a few seconds, utterly confused. I finally got to check the prices and then I go over to my husband who is not far away. I tell him what happened.)

Husband: “All that over a bag? I thought he was just hitting on you. The look on your face was priceless.”

Me: “Yeah, that’s what I thought originally, but obviously harassing me about not taking a bag seemed like a better choice.”

Husband: “He just wanted to bag you! Why wouldn’t you let him bag you!”

(Sometimes my husband is funny. This was not one of those times.)

Failed Him For The Last Time, Part 2

| The Netherlands | Dating, Themed Giveaway

(My boyfriend and I have just eaten a very large meal, and we’re lying on the couch, feeling very stuffed.)

Me: “Go get up and get the remote so we can watch TV and not have to move.”

Boyfriend: “Eh… Why can’t you get it!?”

Me: “You’re allowed to use the force if it works.”

(He stretches out his hand towards the remote. Nothing happens.)

Me: “I don’t think it’s working. I guess you’ll have to do it yourself.”

(He puts his hand around my throat.)

Me: “Are you trying to choke me?”

Boyfriend: “But it didn’t work! You said I had to do it myself!”

Me: “Were you trying to force-choke me?! I thought you were getting the remote!”

Boyfriend: “I thought that if I choked you, you’d get all happy and start bouncing around the room and get the remote.”

Me: “I don’t get excited from being choked!”

Boyfriend: “Actually, you do.”

Me: “…”

Boyfriend: “You didn’t think this through, did you?”

Me: *sigh* “You win. I’ll get the remote.”

Related:
Failed Him For The Last Time

Un-Ex-pected

| Montreal, QC, Canada | Exes/Old Flames

(My ex and I live across the country from each other, and even though we are broken up, we still both obviously have feelings for each other.)

Me: “We’re kind of weird I guess. It makes me kinda happy.”

Ex: “We talk like and do things like couples would do if they are far away but we just aren’t… really… a couple…”

Me: “Pretty much.”

Ex: “So what are we then?”

Me: “Exes? Who never got over each other? And screwed up? We’re why “it’s complicated” exists as a status on Facebook!”

It’s Starting To Not Be Okay

| USA | Marriage & Partners

(My husband and I both like ‘Psych,’ a show whose main characters, Shawn and Gus, tend to have very oddball banter. Note that my husband tends towards mild depression, while I’m almost always very upbeat. We’re going to bed and I notice he looks down.)

Me: “Are you okay?”

Husband: “No, I’m not really okay…”

Me: “You don’t look okay.”

Husband: “Yeah. I’m not okay right now.”

Me: “I’m sorry you’re not okay.”

Husband: “Well, at least you’re okay.”

Me: “But I feel guilty feeling okay when you’re not feeling okay!”

Husband:.”It’s okay.”

Me: “This is starting to sound like an episode of Psych…”

 

Pantyhose And How’s

| Statesboro, GA, USA | Marriage & Partners

(My husband has ADHD and is prone to saying random, completely nonsensical things. I have taken a shower and he steps into the bathroom, where my dirty clothes were still sitting on the floor. I hear him call out.)

Husband: “Babe?”

Me: “Yeah?”

Husband: “Women’s underwear is weird…”

Me: “How so?”

Husband: “Where do you put your balls?”

Me: “That’s…  That’s not how it works…”


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