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    Man Of My Bad Dreams

    | BC, Canada | Marriage & Partners

    (My husband and I are lying in bed on a workday morning. We both have a hard time getting up in the morning, especially me:)

    Husband: *nudges me* “Hey, get up. It’s 8:24. We have to leave in six minutes.”

    Me: *groans* “I’m getting up.”

    Husband: “That’s what you said at eight o’clock.

    Me: “Well, it’s still true. I’m getting up.” *buries head in pillow*

    Husband: *starts pulling the covers off me* “Come on, get up.”

    Me: “Ugh, do you have to be so mean about it?” *pulls the covers back*

    Husband: “I want to be out of the house by 8:30.”

    Me: “We never leave by 8:30. You know, I had a dream.”

    Husband: “Yeah?” *pulling the covers off me again*

    Me: “Yeah. I dreamt you were being an a**-hole.”

    Husband: “Huh. A literal one or a figurative one?”

    Me: “Figurative.”

    Husband: “Well, it wasn’t a dream.” *pulls the covers off me all the way* “Get up!”

    Me: “Ugh, fine! Thanks for making my dreams come true!” *gets up*

    Husband: *with a huge grin on his face* “You’re welcome!”

    Ignoring The Elephant In The Windpipe

    | Victoria, BC, Canada | Dating

    (My girlfriend and I have a running joke about a ‘tiny elephant escaped from the zoo’ being responsible for certain noises we make. This time, her throat is whistling when she inhales.)

    Girlfriend: *wheeze* “Hah, tiny elephant.” *wheeze*

    Me: “The poor thing.”

    Girlfriend: *wheeze*

    Me: “He’s trapped in there!”

    Girlfriend: *wheeze*

    Me: “The poor can’t get out!”

    Girlfriend: *wheeze*

    Me: “He can’t breathe!”

    Girlfriend: “He can’t breathe? What about ME?!”

    Me: “Well, maybe you’d have an easier time if you spat out that poor little elephant you swallowed!”

    Girlfriend: *wheeze*

    Me: “Listen to him. He wants his mommy!”

    Girlfriend: *wheeze*




    This Relationship Has Wings

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I are still in the honeymoon stage of our relationship. We are very straightforward and open about everything. My boyfriend just lost his job and doesn’t have a lot of money and is currently renting a room in a house. We’ve just picked up cheap pizza and wings and are eating on his bed.)

    Boyfriend: *with a very serious look on his face* “Will you promise me something?”

    Me: *stop with food halfway to my mouth and a panicked look on my face* “What… kind of promise?”

    Boyfriend: “When I get a job and have money and live in a better place, will you promise me that we’ll still buy pizza and wings and eat it on the bed?”

    Me: *falls in love just a little bit more* “Of course I promise! That’s a great promise! And no, those aren’t tears in my eyes; it’s the wing sauce!”

    Nothing As Dangerous As Technology Scorned

    | Australia | Marriage & Partners

    (My husband and I are driving into the city for lunch, and he has his phone on the dash for directions. He loves giving his phone voice commands.)

    Husband: “Okay, [Phone], turn off maps.”

    Phone: *randomly updates destination to somewhere else*

    Husband: “No! Cancel!”

    Phone: “There is nothing to cancel.”

    Husband: “What? No! Cancel!”

    Phone: *continues updating map*

    Husband: “Oh, f*** off!”

    Phone: “Calling, [My Name].”

    Husband: “What?! No!” *starts hitting the screen*

    Me: “What the h***? Why did your phone start calling me when you told it to f*** off?!”

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