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    Willing To Risk It


    Scientifically Objectified

    | London, England, UK | Advice

    (I’m an arts student, and I have an end of year exhibition at uni, during which my brother comes down to visit me. He’s usually a pretty typical, grubby nerd and STEM student, but has made something of an effort to dress up for once, in Doc Martins, rolled up skinny jeans and a nice shirt. He’s also quite an anxious person with low self esteem, which he compensates for by being hilariously egotistical. As we’re walking up the university steps to the exhibition, some girls wolf whistle at him, and he scowls.)

    Me: “What’s annoying you?”

    Brother: “Those girls whistling at me. I don’t approve.”

    Me: *thinking the conversation is turning towards feminism* “Oh, got a taste of what being objectified feels like?”

    Brother: “No, I’m fine being objectified. It’s just they’re artists. They should know they don’t deserve a scientist’s affection.”

    Me: *lovingly* “Oh, [Brother], you’re the most elitist a**-hole I’ve ever met.”

    Brother: “Hey, it’s not my fault I’m better than everyone else.”

    (Luckily (?), he never wonders why he doesn’t have a girlfriend. He already knows.)

    Trimming The Profits

    | NY, USA | Dating

    (The guy I’m seeing and I have just had sex and are laying around talking. Note: We are both South Park fans.)

    Me: *points to his crotch* “Do you trim, or does it just grow like that?”

    Him: *stares at me*

    Me: “That was a really dumb question, wasn’t it?”

    Him: “No, no. It happens by magic. Actually, I hired the Underwear Gnomes to do it while they’re down there.”

    Me: “Oh, my god! We finally figured out what Step Two was! One: Steal underwear, Two: trim pubic hair, Three: profit!”

    How To Cure Love Sickness

    | Wilmington, NC, USA | Marriage & Partners

    Me: “I have an ache deep in my loins for you.”

    Husband: “You should probably take some Tylenol for that.”

    Perfect Boys


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