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    Happy To Have Not Been Of Service

    | Cedar Rapids, IA, USA | Flirting/How We Met, LGBTQ, Theme Of The Month

    (As a female cashier at a large home improvement store, I’m sad to say that I get a lot of patronizing and crude customers. This particular gentleman is perfectly normal until…)

    Customer: “So you’re in school, aren’t you? What are you majoring in? Besides

    boys?”

    (He winks and leers at me.)

    Me: *deadpan* “Psychology, and I’m gay.”

    Customer: “So… you’re happy, then.”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer: “‘Gay’ means ‘happy.’”

    Me: “I’m attracted to women, sir.”

    Customer: “…oh.”

    (He didn’t look me in the eye for the rest of the transaction.)

    Asking Out Is Out Of Bounds

    | Baton Rouge, LA, USA | Fights/Breakups, Flirting/How We Met, Theme Of The Month

    (The photo processing shop where I work has one regular customer, a 40-ish something man, known for being lewd and harassing female employees, so much so that none of the other females would help him. I am the only one who will deal with him because I’m typically pretty laid back and hard to upset.)

    Me: “Hey, [Regular], how are you today?”

    Regular: “Fine now that I get to see your pretty little face.”

    Me: “Mhm. Here are your prints.”

    Regular: “When are you going to let me take you out for a nice dinner? I can make it worth your while.”

    Me: “You’re married. I’m not interested.”

    (Usually my directness makes him back off. Not this day.)

    Regular: “C’mon, baby. You know I wouldn’t kick you outta bed unless you wanted to f*** on the floor.”

    Me:That’s it! I’m done waiting on you, as is every other woman here!”

    (I promptly went to a male manager, told him what happened, and said I refused to work with that customer ever again. It was just the last straw for me. The owner, an “old-fashioned” man, wasn’t going to kick a regular customer, who brought a lot of business, out of the store for “just asking out some girls” but it was understood after that day, that NO female would ever wait on him again. I should also add that he is married to a very lovely, sweet woman and they have a couple of kids. I always wondered how she could be with such a prick. Or how I could work for a bunch of male chauvinists.)

    A Blondie Moment

    | LA, USA | Fights/Breakups

    (One of my friends comes in the store with a tall, athletic woman.)

    Me: *smiling and waving* “Hi, Blondie! Who’s your friend?”

    Friend: “This is my girlfriend, [Woman].”

    (Before I can introduce myself, the woman stomps up to the counter and leans close, as if to intimidate me. I am only 5’3″ and very petite.)

    Woman: *loudly* Did you just call my man ‘baby’? You better not have called my man ‘baby’!

    (My friend starts to intervene but I hold up one hand to stop him.)

    Me: *calmly* “No, I called him ‘Blondie’. [Friend] has very long, golden BLOND hair so I call him ‘Blondie’ or ‘Goldilocks’ and he’s fine with it.”

    Woman: *sneers* “Yeah, well, you better not ever call my man baby or I’ll have to—”

    Friend: *interrupting* “Please, [Woman], don’t start with [My Name]!”

    Me: “Am I supposed to be afraid of a big, loud blowhard because I’m so little? Wanna try me? I haven’t had a good fight in a while.”

    Woman: *goes pale* “I’ll- I’ll be in the car, [Friend].”

    (The woman ducks her head and walks out of the store. My friend shakes his head.)

    Friend: “I’m so sorry about her. She gets stupidly jealous whenever I talk to any girl.”

    Me: *shrugs* “No harm done but I wasn’t going to let her push me around!”

    (I never saw my friend with that woman ever again.)

    The Perks Of A Long Relationship

    | Hamburg, NY, USA |

    (My fiancée and I are in town to get married. We are both originally from here and both our families are here so we figured it would be easier to have the wedding here as well. We need to make multiple stops, including the Town Clerk to get the marriage license and her bank to close out her account as there’s not a branch within 500 miles of our new home. Then I have to drop her off at a restaurant with her mother so they can finish some last minute prep.)

    Fiancée: “Let’s get the license first, even though we’ll pass the bank first. Those girls usually aren’t perky until they’ve had their first cup of coffee, and since I’m closing out the account I want to make sure they’re as perky as they can be.”

    Me: “It’s always good to have perky girls first thing in the morning.”

    Fiancée: *death glare*

    Me: “Sweetheart, you’ve known me 16 years, and we’ve been together 5… You know that setup was too good to pass up.”

    Fiancée: “Fair enough.” *trying to not crack a smile*

    Verbing On Marriage

    | Boston, MA, USA | Dating

    (I’m sitting with my boyfriend before we both head out to work.)

    Boyfriend: “You’re my favorite thing!”

    Me: “I’m a thing?”

    Boyfriend: “Yes, you are in fact a noun.”

    Me: “I’m a noun!”

    Boyfriend: “My favorite noun!”

    (I give him a cuddle.)

    Boyfriend: “You’re cute.”

    Me: “A cute noun?”

    Boyfriend: “The cutest of nouns!”

    (Definitely plan to marry this one!)


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