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  • Not In A Rush To Have Another One
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  • Furby Fury

    | Hampstead, MD, USA | Dating, Theme Of The Month

    (Boyfriend and I are laying in bed having pillow talk about childhood toys.)

    Boyfriend: “All the girls in my class had those annoying-a** Tamagotchis when I was in elementary school.”

    Me: “I had one of those! It kept dying. It still wasn’t as annoying as my Furby, though.”

    Boyfriend: “I f****** hated that thing! One time, at the old house, I was trying to go to sleep and all of the sudden I just hear ‘FURBY!’ Scared the s*** out of me!”

    Me: “Yeah. We kept ours in the basement playroom. Every f****** time you’d think they were off they’d start talking. It was so creepy.”

    (Later that night, trying to sleep. My boyfriend thinks he’s going to be funny.)

    Boyfriend: *rolls over* “FUUUURBYYYYY!” *thrashes around in bed*

    (I elbow him in the face and fall off the bed in a panic.)

    Boyfriend: *holding nose* “OW!”

    Me: “THE F***?!”

    Boyfriend: *with blood dripping out from behind his hands* “I think you broke my nose…”

    Me: “Well, the f*** did you expect, jack-a**?”

    Bet You Would Have Done The Same

    | WA, USA | Dating

    (When my boyfriend and I shower together, we do what we call the ‘Shower Shuffle’ which means we switch spots so one person is soaping up while the other is rinsing off. We’re also very big fans of musicals, especially ‘Chicago.’)

    Boyfriend: “Shower shuffle?”

    Me: “Shower shuffle!”

    (While we switch, he hold me a if we’re dancing.)

    Me: “That was more of a ‘Shower Tango.’”

    Boyfriend: “Should be the ‘Cell Block Tango.’”

    Me: “The thing is, if I were singing that, that would mean I killed you.”

    Boyfriend: “Well I would have deserved it.”

    (Pause.)

    Me: *singing* “You had it coming.”

    Boyfriend: *singing* “I had it coming.”

    Together: *singing* “You/I only had yourself/myself to blame!”

    Having Trouble Exorcizing The Ex

    | FL, USA | Advice, Exes/Old Flames

    (I get a hysterical phone call from a girlfriend of mine. I cannot make out what she is saying, just sobs. I rush over to her place and find her sitting on the floor drinking directly out of a nearly empty wine bottle. At this point she is quite drunk.)

    Me: “Oh, my god, are you okay?”

    Friend: “Yep. I’ve decided to become a lesbian. There’s no hope for me to find a man. None. Nada. Zilch.”

    Me: “I don’t think a person just decides to become a lesbian. What brought this on?”

    (She waved the bottle towards her computer screen. I went over and looked at it. It was one of those find your soul-mate/perfect match based-on-science dating sites. Her #1 100% match was her slime ball, cheating ex-husband. I did the only thing a good friend could do at a time like that… I fished out the 1/2 gallon of cookies and cream ice cream, grabbed two spoons, and joined her on the floor.)

    A Special Spot In The Sky

    | Kensington, England, UK | Marriage & Partners

    (It’s my wife’s and my two-year anniversary and I want to make a huge romantic gesture. I hire a skywriter to write ‘I love Agnes.’ We are walking when I point it out.)

    Me: “Hey, look!”

    Wife: “Oh! A skywriter!”

    Me: “For you.”

    Wife: “Aww! So romantic! ‘I… love… A… ACNE?”

    Not Feline The Love

    | Canada | Marriage & Partners, Theme Of The Month

    (My husband walks into my office.)

    Husband: “I love you.”

    Me: “Love you, too.”

    Husband: “I love you.”

    Me: “Uh-huh.”

    Husband: “I loooooove you.”

    Me: “…you’re hungry, aren’t you?”

    Husband: “It works for the cats.”


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