(I work in a bakery. I’m serving a man in his thirties, who orders for him and his girlfriend. She’s off into the nearby supermarket to get some stuff. When she returns, she carries a bag of flower soil.)

Girlfriend: *holding the bag in front of her belly* “Darling, I’m pregnant. It’s going to be a tree.”

Boyfriend: *without missing a beat* “That’s not mine, then. I’m not a member of the photosynthesis crew.”

Girlfriend: “I’m sorry! It was cross-pollination! I couldn’t do anything about it!”

(By that time, I’m trying not to laugh too loud, but I can’t help grinning. I hand over their order.)

Girlfriend: “Hey, what’s that? Coffee?”

Boyfriend: “Yep. You want one, too? It’s on me.”

Girlfriend: “Thanks.” *addressing me* “Can I have a hot chocolate, please? I have to drink for two now, you know.”

Me: “Sure thing.”

Girlfriend: *to boyfriend* “Maybe it’s going to be a chocolate tree if I drink enough.”

Boyfriend: *to me* “Could you make that a coffee, then? I prefer coffee.”

Girlfriend: *to me* “But I don’t. Chocolate, please.”

Boyfriend: “Hey, you cheated on me with some bumblebee! Making it become my
favourite beverage tree is the least you can do!”

(I’ve just served this man at my work and we are chatting as I add up his order.)

Me: “So, what are you up to today?”

Him: “I have to trim the hedges again. My wife keeps driving the car into them.”

Me: “Oh…well, it’s a nice day to be out in the garden.”

Him: “Well, I figure its cheaper to fix the hedge than get a divorce.”

Customer: “I’d like to order a cake.”

Me: “Alright, what size cake did you want?”

(We go through the details of the cake.)

Me: “And what did you want the cake to say?”

Customer: “Welcome home from jail. Will you marry me?”

Me: “Okay…”

(The next week, the same customer comes back in with the cake.)

Customer: “I’d like a refund.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. What is wrong with it?”

Customer: “He said no!”

Also seen on: Not Always Right

(Four elderly men enter the store. They are all at least 70, balding, and at least one has a cane.)

Manager: “Hi, what can I get for you?”

Elderly Man #1: “Are those bagels hot, young lady?”

Manager: “They’re pretty hot. They’ve been out about ten minutes.”

Elderly Man #2: “But are they as hot as us?”

Also seen on: Not Always Right.