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    Not What Happens When Two Become One

    | FL, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (My husband and I are getting intimate and kissing passionately.)

    Me: *whisper* “Tell me what you want.”

    Husband: “I want… *kissing*… I want… *kissing* …I want…” *pause* “I really, really, really wanna zig-a-zig ahhh!”

    Me: *laughing hysterically* “Did you really just quote Spice Girls during foreplay?”

    Husband: “Yes. I realize I probably killed the mood, but it was too perfect to pass up!”

    Me: “You are so lucky that I love you!”

    Man Of My Bad Dreams

    | BC, Canada | Marriage & Partners

    (My husband and I are lying in bed on a workday morning. We both have a hard time getting up in the morning, especially me:)

    Husband: *nudges me* “Hey, get up. It’s 8:24. We have to leave in six minutes.”

    Me: *groans* “I’m getting up.”

    Husband: “That’s what you said at eight o’clock.

    Me: “Well, it’s still true. I’m getting up.” *buries head in pillow*

    Husband: *starts pulling the covers off me* “Come on, get up.”

    Me: “Ugh, do you have to be so mean about it?” *pulls the covers back*

    Husband: “I want to be out of the house by 8:30.”

    Me: “We never leave by 8:30. You know, I had a dream.”

    Husband: “Yeah?” *pulling the covers off me again*

    Me: “Yeah. I dreamt you were being an a**-hole.”

    Husband: “Huh. A literal one or a figurative one?”

    Me: “Figurative.”

    Husband: “Well, it wasn’t a dream.” *pulls the covers off me all the way* “Get up!”

    Me: “Ugh, fine! Thanks for making my dreams come true!” *gets up*

    Husband: *with a huge grin on his face* “You’re welcome!”

    Ignoring The Elephant In The Windpipe

    | Victoria, BC, Canada | Dating

    (My girlfriend and I have a running joke about a ‘tiny elephant escaped from the zoo’ being responsible for certain noises we make. This time, her throat is whistling when she inhales.)

    Girlfriend: *wheeze* “Hah, tiny elephant.” *wheeze*

    Me: “The poor thing.”

    Girlfriend: *wheeze*

    Me: “He’s trapped in there!”

    Girlfriend: *wheeze*

    Me: “The poor can’t get out!”

    Girlfriend: *wheeze*

    Me: “He can’t breathe!”

    Girlfriend: “He can’t breathe? What about ME?!”

    Me: “Well, maybe you’d have an easier time if you spat out that poor little elephant you swallowed!”

    Girlfriend: *wheeze*

    Me: “Listen to him. He wants his mommy!”

    Girlfriend: *wheeze*


    This Relationship Has Wings

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I are still in the honeymoon stage of our relationship. We are very straightforward and open about everything. My boyfriend just lost his job and doesn’t have a lot of money and is currently renting a room in a house. We’ve just picked up cheap pizza and wings and are eating on his bed.)

    Boyfriend: *with a very serious look on his face* “Will you promise me something?”

    Me: *stop with food halfway to my mouth and a panicked look on my face* “What… kind of promise?”

    Boyfriend: “When I get a job and have money and live in a better place, will you promise me that we’ll still buy pizza and wings and eat it on the bed?”

    Me: *falls in love just a little bit more* “Of course I promise! That’s a great promise! And no, those aren’t tears in my eyes; it’s the wing sauce!”

    Their Love Will Live Long And Prosper

    | Flin Flon, MB, Canada | Marriage & Partners

    (Some friends from out of town are visiting and telling us about how their trip in went.)

    Wife: “We had just enough gas to get here. I could tell that much. We were trying to figure out ways to conserve the gas. [Husband] said ‘Is there anything we don’t need, that we can turn off?’ So I turned down the heat as much as I could without fogging up the windows.”

    Husband: “That’s what they do on the Enterprise when they need to conserve energy. They turn off all unnecessary functions.”

    Wife: “That’s the nerdiest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

    Husband: “It worked, didn’t it?”

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