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    You’re My Number One Monkey

    | CA, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (My wife and I are lying on the bed, in our underwear.)

    Wife: “You should get naked. You look better naked.”

    Me: “So do you.”

    Wife: “Oh, yeah?”

    Me: “Yeah.”

    Wife: “Come on.” *tries to take off my shirt* “Monkey see, monkey do!”

    Me: “Monkey pee all over you!”

    (My wife started smacking me with pillows.)

    My Loving Fiancé Is A Complete Oxymoron

    | AB,Canada | Engaged

    (My fiancé and I are eating dinner. I have just found out that he doesn’t like butternut squash and I do.)

    Me: *jokingly-overdramatic* “And here, all along, I thought we were exactly the same.”

    Fiancé: “Oh please, if anything we are exact opposites. You’re even a vegetarian!”

    Me: *pouty face*

    Fiancé: *giving in* “Okay, okay. We are half alike!”

    Me: “Half alike? Is that some sort of metaphor? Hmp, I thought we were a simile!”

    Fiancé: *deadpan* “Honey, we’re a joke.”

    This Back To Front Conversation Came From Left Field

    | CA, USA | Engaged

    (My fiancée has just come home for her lunch break. I am not scheduled for work, so I am doing my laundry. This exchange happens when I am about to pull my stuff out of the dryer.)

    Me: “Okay, I’ll be right back.”

    Fiancée: “All right. I’ll be left front.”

    Me: “…Wait, what?”

    Fiancée: *giggling* “I said, I’ll be left front.”

    Me: “…Left front?”

    Fiancée: “Yep!”

    Me: *laughing* “You know, I don’t take kindly to you left front types.”

    Fiancée: “Oh, c’mon! You said you’d be right back, so I had to be something!”

    Me: “Fine, then. I’ll also be ambidextrous in between.”

    Fiancée: “Okay, then I’m also illegible on top!”

    Maybe It’s Maybe

    | CA, USA | Engaged

    (My fiancée and I are on our respective computers when I suddenly hear her humming. Recognizing the song, I turn to look at her.)

    Me: “Were you just humming Maybe from Annie?”

    Fiancée: “…maybe.”

    (She swore that she had not thought of the joke beforehand.)

    Needs To Take A Chill Pill(ow)

    | GA, USA | Dating

    (My girlfriend and I have just finished being intimate. She’s lying with her head on my shoulder and we’re drowsing, about to fall asleep.)

    Girlfriend: “What do you want to do tomorrow?”

    Me: “Don’t know; don’t care; want to sleep…”

    Girlfriend: “Come on, talk to me.”

    Me: “No, want sleep.”

    Girlfriend: “But you know I like pillow talk. Talk to me!”

    Me: “So talk to the pillow. I’m sleeping…”

    (I don’t remember a word of this conversation. She gave me a hard time about it for days after.)

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