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  • This Future Time It Worked
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  • I Mentally Scream For Ice Cream

    | Canberra, ACT, Australia | Engaged

    (My fiancée, her housemate, and I have just picked up fast food for dinner and are now watching a movie.)

    Fiancée: *pokes me*

    (I get up and get her the ice-cream tub from the freezer and a spoon. A few spoons later…)

    Fiancée: *pokes me with ice-cream*

    (I get up and put the ice-cream back in the freezer and the spoon in the sink and then pass her a macaroon.)

    Me: “This is going on NotAlwaysRomantic. We know each other too well.”

    Throw In Their Garlic Festival For Good Measure…

    | CA, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I currently reside in the Bay Area. We are planning to move in together at the end of this year and I’ve found an option out in Gilroy.)

    Me: “The only reason why I’m not so gung-ho about moving down there is because of the blazing heat during the summer.”

    Boyfriend: “I don’t it’s that bad out there…”

    Me: “Yes, it is! It’s like the freakin’ right armpit of the Bay Area!”

    Boyfriend: “The right armpit?”

    Me: “Yeah! See, since the Bay Area stretches out from North to South, imagine there’s someone who has their arms stretched out from side to side. And imagine that California doesn’t bathe or shower or whatever. So, Pacifica is like the left armpit, and then Gilroy is—”

    Boyfriend: “Stop it! I’m eating!”

    The Absolute Wrongest Cookie Recipe

    | Kansas City, MO, USA | Engaged

    (My fiancé and I are lying in bed when I have a sudden craving for chocolate chip cookies. Note that my fiancé wants several kids while I only want one or two.)

    Me: “I really want to bake some cookies with you.”

    Fiancé: “I want to bake some cookies with you, too! And by ‘cookies’ I mean children. And by ‘bake’ I mean sex.”

    Me: “So… you want to ‘sex some children’ with me?”

    Fiancé: “Wait, no! I mean… Shush! You know what I mean!”

    A Battery Of Questions

    | UK | Dating, Family/Kids

    (My boyfriend and I are having lunch with my parents and our family friend. I still live at home. My and my boyfriend’s vibrator has run out of batteries and I opened it up to discover they were a really obscure type of battery. My dad is a really tech savvy guy, so I asked him if he has any of this type of battery over dinner.)

    Me: “Dad, do we have any of [battery type].”

    Dad: “No, I’ve never even heard of those batteries before. What is it for?”

    Me: “Oh, nothing really. It’s okay. I’ll find them online. It’s okay.”

    Dad: “No, tell me what it’s for.”

    Me: *blushes* “It’s nothing!”

    Dad: “Tell me!”

    Mum: *jokingly* “I bet it’s for a vibrator or something.”

    (I look down, blush, and don’t reply.)

    Mum: “IT IS, ISN’T IT?!”

    Me: “[Boyfriend] bought it for me.”

    Dad: “I’m going to drill his eyes.”

    (He didn’t drill his eyes, but it’s taught my dad to be less nosy. He doesn’t ask what I need batteries or clean sheets for now.)

    A Dual Cheek Duality

    | Winchester, ON, Canada | Marriage & Partners

    (My husband has a strange habit of praising my butt in weird ways. This is probably the weirdest praise I’ve ever heard for it.)

    Husband: “I like your butt. It’s very nice.”

    Me: *having heard this before* “Okay.”

    Husband: “And soft.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    Husband: “And plush.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    Husband: “And firm!”

    Me: “Wait, how can something be both plush and firm at the same time?”

    Husband: “It depends which way you’re lying down. YOUR BUTT IS AMAZING!”

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