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  • It’s Not Always Moonlight And Roses

    | Lakewood, CO, USA | Marriage & Partners, Theme Of The Month

    (My husband was raised in a family that doesn’t celebrate holidays and grew up never receiving or giving gifts. As a result, he often has a hard time selecting appropriate gifts for me. It’s about a week before Valentine’s Day.)

    Husband: *handing me a single rose* “Happy Valentine’s Day, babe. I thought I’d surprise you by giving you your gift early.”

    Me: “That’s so sweet! Thank you.”

    Husband: “I know it’s just a single rose…”

    Me: “Oh, but a single rose is so romantic. This is perfect.”

    Husband: “…but I sure as hell wasn’t going to spend $50 on a whole dozen! Besides, the cat will just end up eating them and puking them up on the carpet, anyway.”

    Me: “…know when to stop talking, honey.”

    Feed The Love

    | TX, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (We are having a quiet day at home. Our daughter is asleep, and I just finished cleaning the kitchen after a fantastic dinner I cooked for him.)

    Husband: “I love you.”

    Me: “Why do you love me?”

    Husband: “Because you feed me.”

    See, Hear, Speak, Wear No Evil

    | Adelaide, SA, Australia | Engaged

    (My fiancé picks me up from work and we do some shopping before returning home. He puts the shopping away while I get changed out of my work clothes. He’s dressed all in black and looks rather sharply dressed, whereas I’m a tomboy who just throws on whatever I find that’s clean. I have no sense of style whatsoever.)

    Fiancé: “So, what do you think of my outfit? Does it look okay?

    Me: “Uhm…” *floundering for words*

    Fiancé: “Does it make me look like a pretentious yuppie?”

    Me: “Uh… I was thinking more ‘theatre major.’”

    Fiancé: “A what?”

    Me: “Theatre major. You know… all black, skin tight clothing, one step short of a mime—”

    Fiancé: “D*** it, woman. I was going for ‘evil,’ but not THAT evil!”

    Furby Fury

    | Hampstead, MD, USA | Dating, Theme Of The Month

    (Boyfriend and I are laying in bed having pillow talk about childhood toys.)

    Boyfriend: “All the girls in my class had those annoying-a** Tamagotchis when I was in elementary school.”

    Me: “I had one of those! It kept dying. It still wasn’t as annoying as my Furby, though.”

    Boyfriend: “I f****** hated that thing! One time, at the old house, I was trying to go to sleep and all of the sudden I just hear ‘FURBY!’ Scared the s*** out of me!”

    Me: “Yeah. We kept ours in the basement playroom. Every f****** time you’d think they were off they’d start talking. It was so creepy.”

    (Later that night, trying to sleep. My boyfriend thinks he’s going to be funny.)

    Boyfriend: *rolls over* “FUUUURBYYYYY!” *thrashes around in bed*

    (I elbow him in the face and fall off the bed in a panic.)

    Boyfriend: *holding nose* “OW!”

    Me: “THE F***?!”

    Boyfriend: *with blood dripping out from behind his hands* “I think you broke my nose…”

    Me: “Well, the f*** did you expect, jack-a**?”

    Bet You Would Have Done The Same

    | WA, USA | Dating

    (When my boyfriend and I shower together, we do what we call the ‘Shower Shuffle’ which means we switch spots so one person is soaping up while the other is rinsing off. We’re also very big fans of musicals, especially ‘Chicago.’)

    Boyfriend: “Shower shuffle?”

    Me: “Shower shuffle!”

    (While we switch, he hold me a if we’re dancing.)

    Me: “That was more of a ‘Shower Tango.’”

    Boyfriend: “Should be the ‘Cell Block Tango.’”

    Me: “The thing is, if I were singing that, that would mean I killed you.”

    Boyfriend: “Well I would have deserved it.”

    (Pause.)

    Me: *singing* “You had it coming.”

    Boyfriend: *singing* “I had it coming.”

    Together: *singing* “You/I only had yourself/myself to blame!”


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