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  • They Met On The Bleach, Part 2
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    | DE, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (My husband of less than one month has been taken to the hospital for an emergency appendectomy. I’m holding his hand as he lies on a gurney, waiting to be taken upstairs.)

    Husband: “I’m so sorry I’m putting you through all this.”

    Me: “Well, we did just say ‘in sickness and in health,’ right?”

    Husband: “Yeah, I guess we did. By the way, when am I going to be getting some ‘obey’?”

    Me: “As soon as I get some ‘richer’!”

    Raiding Into Uncharted Territory

    | Boston, MA, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (My wife has just had her first ultrasound for our first child, and we are talking about when we will find out the baby’s sex.)

    Wife: “I figured it could be a cute Christmas gift to us. We can open the envelope on Christmas Eve.”

    Me: “Nah, I want to know!”

    Wife: “Well, are you still hoping for a boy?”

    Me: “Meh. I just want to know so I know if I should invest in Tomb Raider games or the Uncharted series. We have to teach our little one to be a bad-a** adventurer the right way.”

    Wife: “I love you!”

    Second Wife Second Thoughts

    | CA, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (My husband and I have been married for eight years. We’ve both been married before. I’m about to have surgery, and the nurse is confirming all my personal information. My husband starts talking to the nurse.)
    Husband: “Wait, why does this say her middle name is Jane?”
    Me: “What?”
    Husband: “She doesn’t have a middle name.”
    Me: “Um. Yes I do. My middle name is Jane. You didn’t know that?”
    Husband: “You said you didn’t have a middle name!”
    Me: “Wait a minute. [First wife] doesn’t have a middle name, does she?”
    Husband: “…oh, s***.”

    Elevate To His Level

    | Evansville, IN, USA | Marriage & Partners, Top

    (My husband and I, who are in our early 20s, are on the top floor of a hospital and get on the elevator. He pushes all the buttons. On the next floor down, other people get in the elevator.)

    Me: “I told you not to push all the buttons because someone else would get on.”

    (I’m not really upset with him since there are only six floors, but I figured the other people might like an explanation.)

    Elevator rider: “That’s okay. My nephew does the same thing.”

    Me: “But he’s probably four, right?”

    Elevator rider: “No, he’s seventeen.”

    Husband: “I told you it’d be okay.”

    Love, And Other Drugs, Part 2

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Long Distance, Marriage & Partners, Themed Giveaway

    (My husband is deployed in Afghanistan. My appendix has ruptured, so I have been given powerful painkillers in the Emergency Room. My husband calls, and an ER tech who is sitting near my bed to monitor my breathing hands me my phone.)

    Me: “Lello?”

    Husband: “Hey sweetheart, did I wake you up?”

    Me: “I don’t think so. Hey [tech], was I asleep?”

    Tech: “Not asleep so much as knocked out.”

    Husband: “Who is that? Where the h*** are you?”

    Me: “That is [tech]. I am… somewhere. Not at home.”

    Husband: “Where is [daughter's name]?”

    Me: “The commies took her. You… you can come home now, Obama has his camels, we don’t need any more. They’re at the zoo. My tummy doesn’t hurt anymore, but I think they’re going to cut it anyway.”

    Husband: *yelling* “What is going on? Are you on drugs? Where is [daughter]?”

    Tech: “Can I talk for a minute? Hi, Mr [name]. This is [tech] at [hospital]. Your wife is okay, her appendix ruptured and she’s on some very powerful painkillers until we can get her into surgery. Your daughter is with your mother-in-law. Here’s your wife back.”

    Me: “Hey there. I’m feeling sleepy now. I think I’m gonna… Love you… Don’t get shot, okay?”

    Husband: “Okay, go to sleep.”

    (I found out later that he had gotten halfway to the commander’s tent to get an emergency flight back to the country because he thought I had been drugged and kidnapped. His commander had flowers sent to my hospital room with a note asking me to please not do that again.)

    Love, And Other Drugs

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