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  • Don’t Date Her If I ‘Was’ You
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    His Mermaid Wants To Go Back To The Ocean

    | Bridgewater, NJ, USA | Dating, Theme Of The Month

    (I am a 20-year-old man. My girlfriend has been asking me to take a picture with Santa Claus at the mall. Keep in mind, she is a 21-year-old actress and is eagerly waiting for her job offer to perform on the Disney Cruise.)

    Santa: “And what would you like for Christmas, young lady?”

    Girlfriend: “A performing job on the Disney Cruise!”

    Santa: “That’s quite original. What role would you play?”

    Girlfriend: “Ariel, the mermaid!”

    Santa: “How about you young man? What would you like for Christmas?”

    Me: “To be honest… an Iphone.”

    Santa: *sensing how excited my girlfriend is about her gift request* “Are you sure you wouldn’t want something else? Say… being her Prince Eric?”

    Me: “Probably an iPhone–” *feeling a kick from my girlfriend* “–Prince Eric would be fantastic. I’d love that.”

    Santa: “That’s better. Good luck to you young lady, and Merry Christmas!”

    Engine Failure

    | USA | Flirting/How We Met, Top

    (I am wandering through the mall, and a guy working at the pet store decides to try hitting on me. After a minute or two of small talk, he switches tactics and tries some bragging.)

    Guy: “So, you know, I can work on any kind of engine that has ever been built!”

    Me: “Really? What do you think of sleeve-valves?”

    (The guy stares at me blankly.)

    Me: “You know, sleeve-valves. Aren’t they neat? I know they had their problems, but it’s such a shame that they never really gained popularity.”

    Guy: “Sleeve-valves?”

    Me: “They were used in engines of some of the cars from the 1920′s, mostly the Sterns and Willys Knights.”

    Guy: “Oh, well I meant I can work on any modern engine that has ever been built.”

    (I think he picked the wrong girl to try out that pick-up line. It’s a shame too; if he had actually been able to back up his statement, he would have had me hook, line, and sinker.)

    Looks Pretty Emo

    | USA | Dating, Top

    (My boyfriend’s style is typically gothic, meaning head-to-toe black with lots of studs, spikes, and chains. My style is eclectic, so sometimes I dress very preppy on purpose just for the fun on it.)

    Me: “I love this.”

    Boyfriend: “Dressing in all pink just to see the looks on people’s faces when we walk around together?”

    Me: “Yes! It’s too funny. It doesn’t bug you, does it?”

    Boyfriend: “H*** no! Do you have any idea how many times guys come up to me asking how someone like me scored someone like you?”

    Me: “What do you tell them?”

    Boyfriend: “It just depends. My favorites are ‘Shh, I’m kidnapping her’ and ‘I sold my soul to the Devil.’”

    Upon Reflection, He’s A Keeper

    | USA | Dating

    (I am at the mall with a guy who I have just started seeing.)

    Boyfriend: “So we just passed by that store. I looked in and saw this really pretty girl! And then I realized it was you, and I was looking at a reflection on the window!”

    Me: “Ha ha thanks. I can’t believe you just did that!”

    Boyfriend: “Yeah, I can’t believe she was with that guy next to her; I’m way better looking than him.”

    Getting Her Knickers In A Twist

    | CO, USA | Fights/Breakups, Infidelity, Top

    (I am in a long distance relationship with a woman who has a very low sex drive, and is rarely ever openly sexual. She has received a coupon to a large chain that specializes in underwear. She has spent the previous month hinting, and then flat-out saying that I will get to pick out what she uses it on, referring to it as my ‘early Christmas present’. The day we go, I spent the time playing pack mule through the mall before we arrive at the underwear store.)

    Me: “How about these? They look pretty good to me, and they would look even better on you!”

    Girlfriend: *very curtly* “No! Not those, find something else!”

    (This process repeats until she lays out two pairs of ‘granny panties’ that I can pick.)

    Me: “Well, not quite the selection I thought I had, but the blue ones I guess.”

    Girlfriend: “Ugh! I knew you would try to pick something skimpy; you are such a perv!”

    Me: “Well, I’m sorry. But when you said we were lingerie shopping for my ‘early Christmas present’, I thought you were being flirty.”

    Girlfriend: “Men can be such pigs! Ever since we started dating, all you ever wanted to do is have sex!”

    Me: “I’m going to stop you there. We’ve been dating two years now. We have never even come CLOSE to having sex. You said you wanted to wait till you were married, and I’m fine with that. I have NEVER said anything to pressure you. I am not, however, fine with being insulted and called a perv every time I so much as acknowledge that sex is a thing.”

    Girlfriend: “You are just such a pig!”

    (She then storms out of the store with the underwear in hand, and is arrested for shoplifting. Six-months later I hear that she is pregnant, and unsure as to who the father is.)

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