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  • This Future Time It Worked
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  • A Naked Pause

    | Henrietta, NY, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I are walking around the mall. We stop at a necklace kiosk. He has never had any intimate experience and has never seen a woman naked in person before.)

    Me: *pointing to a gaudy chain necklace with a giant leopard pendant* “I kind of like that. I could see myself wearing it.”

    Boyfriend: *laughs* “Me too.”

    Me: *as we are walking away* “…wearing only that.”

    Boyfriend: *stops dead in the middle of the hallway and stares forward*

    Me: “Honey?” *waves hand in front of face*

    Boyfriend: *grinning hugely at me* “Sorry. That was the first time I ever imagined you naked.”

    Me: *laughs* “So you had to stop walking?”

    Boyfriend: “Did I stop? My brain just kind of fizzled out… I couldn’t think of anything else.”

    (We are now married and he still gets the same look of awe every time we do anything that involves less clothing!)

    A Very Long Pregnant Pause

    | Orange County, CA, USA | Dating

    (Since a friend is getting married soon, my boyfriend and I have been talking about our own future engagement possibilities.)

    Me: “I don’t want a diamond ring.”

    Boyfriend: “I know. You want a TARDIS ring.”

    Me: “Or a sonic screwdriver ring.”

    Boyfriend: “Well, I don’t have to worry any time soon, anyway. I have a few years.”

    Me: “Oh, really?”

    Boyfriend: “Yes. All I have to do is yell ‘pregnancy’ at you?”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Boyfriend: “You’re so afraid of pregnancy and after we get married, everyone will expect us to have children. PREGNANCY! PREGNANCY! PREGNANCY! There, that should give me about six years.”

    His Mermaid Wants To Go Back To The Ocean

    | Bridgewater, NJ, USA | Dating, Theme Of The Month

    (I am a 20-year-old man. My girlfriend has been asking me to take a picture with Santa Claus at the mall. Keep in mind, she is a 21-year-old actress and is eagerly waiting for her job offer to perform on the Disney Cruise.)

    Santa: “And what would you like for Christmas, young lady?”

    Girlfriend: “A performing job on the Disney Cruise!”

    Santa: “That’s quite original. What role would you play?”

    Girlfriend: “Ariel, the mermaid!”

    Santa: “How about you young man? What would you like for Christmas?”

    Me: “To be honest… an Iphone.”

    Santa: *sensing how excited my girlfriend is about her gift request* “Are you sure you wouldn’t want something else? Say… being her Prince Eric?”

    Me: “Probably an iPhone–” *feeling a kick from my girlfriend* “–Prince Eric would be fantastic. I’d love that.”

    Santa: “That’s better. Good luck to you young lady, and Merry Christmas!”

    Engine Failure

    | USA | Flirting/How We Met, Top

    (I am wandering through the mall, and a guy working at the pet store decides to try hitting on me. After a minute or two of small talk, he switches tactics and tries some bragging.)

    Guy: “So, you know, I can work on any kind of engine that has ever been built!”

    Me: “Really? What do you think of sleeve-valves?”

    (The guy stares at me blankly.)

    Me: “You know, sleeve-valves. Aren’t they neat? I know they had their problems, but it’s such a shame that they never really gained popularity.”

    Guy: “Sleeve-valves?”

    Me: “They were used in engines of some of the cars from the 1920′s, mostly the Sterns and Willys Knights.”

    Guy: “Oh, well I meant I can work on any modern engine that has ever been built.”

    (I think he picked the wrong girl to try out that pick-up line. It’s a shame too; if he had actually been able to back up his statement, he would have had me hook, line, and sinker.)

    Looks Pretty Emo

    | USA | Dating, Top

    (My boyfriend’s style is typically gothic, meaning head-to-toe black with lots of studs, spikes, and chains. My style is eclectic, so sometimes I dress very preppy on purpose just for the fun on it.)

    Me: “I love this.”

    Boyfriend: “Dressing in all pink just to see the looks on people’s faces when we walk around together?”

    Me: “Yes! It’s too funny. It doesn’t bug you, does it?”

    Boyfriend: “H*** no! Do you have any idea how many times guys come up to me asking how someone like me scored someone like you?”

    Me: “What do you tell them?”

    Boyfriend: “It just depends. My favorites are ‘Shh, I’m kidnapping her’ and ‘I sold my soul to the Devil.’”


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