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    A Fine Set Of (Double) Standards

    | NY, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend has often expressed his theory that when a woman says “It’s fine,” you know that it most definitely is NOT fine.)

    Me: “So, I want to have a joint birthday party with [Friend] but I have to wait until he gets home from his job in [Other Country]. Which means the first Saturday we can do it is your birthday.”

    Boyfriend: “You’re going to have a party, on my birthday, for other people’s birthdays?”

    Me: “Well, I was gonna say that it could be for you, too…”

    Boyfriend: “It would be all your friends, though.”

    Me: “So invite your friends, too.”

    Boyfriend: “But…”

    Me: “Look, do you want me to do it a different day? I can just do it a different day.”

    Boyfriend: *looking away* “No, it’s fine…”

    Me: “Did you just give me the girl ‘It’s fine’?”

    Boyfriend: “Oh, s***… I did, didn’t I?”

    He Is Soda-pressing

    | Jackson, TN, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I are getting fast food. This conversation happened in front of the soda machine.)

    Me: “Sometimes when I’m sad, I’ll pour myself some soda and pretend that the fizzy sound is applause. So even if the world is against me I still have bubbles on my side.”

    Boyfriend: “But even the bubbles eventually fizz out, and you’re left with no one again.”

    Me: “I think that’s the part where you’re supposed to say, ‘I’ll always be by your side, babe.’”

    Boyfriend: “I can’t make that promise. Of the two of us, I’m most likely to die first, so you’ll only have your artificial and imaginary applause to keep you company after that.”

    Me: “But by then I’ll have our kids though, right?”

    Boyfriend: “Who will have all grown up and have lives of their own to deal with. I sure hope the future has lots of soda for you.”

    Me: “Gee, thanks, a**-hole.”

    (We broke up not long after that. He was just too pessimistic for me to handle.)

    Hooked On Class

    | NY, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I are going to Las Vegas on vacation the following week. Because of this we end up discussing prostitutes, and this prompts a theoretical question.)

    Me: “Do you think I would make money as a hooker?”

    Boyfriend: “Maybe in [sketchy neighborhood in the city].”

    Me: *indignant* “Really? So, no one would pay for me in a nice part of town? Are you saying I’m not high class or something?”

    Boyfriend: “Okay, okay. I take it back; you would make money as a hooker anywhere you set your mind to.”

    Me: *pats his hand* “That’s better, thank you.”

    Boyfriend: “We’re the only couple I know who would get into an argument because I doubted your potential as a prostitute.”

    There Is No On Switch

    | San Diego, CA, USA | Flirting/How We Met, Theme Of The Month

    (I’m working at a diner as a waitress. I am waiting on an arrogant douchebag, which is business as usual. After fending off typical lame flirting he asks…)

    Him: “So… what time do you get off?”

    Me: “Sir, when it comes to me and you, neither of us will be getting off.”

    It’s Not That Easy Being Not That Green

    | Rolla, MO, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend of nearly two years is not afraid of speaking his mind to me. This exchange happened right before going out for an afternoon.)

    Me: “What do you think of my outfit?”

    (I am wearing an aqua shirt and pale aqua shorts with dark blue accessories.)

    Boyfriend: “You look like a cucumber!”

    Me: “What?! A cucumber? That isn’t very correct, let alone flattering.”

    Boyfriend: “I’m just teasing; you look like a very pretty lady cucumber.”

    Me: “Why a cucumber? I’m not even wearing green!”

    Boyfriend: “Sure you are! Green shirt, green shorts, cucumber!”

    Me: “This is aqua, possibly turquoise. NOT green. Maybe you need your eyes checked.”

    Boyfriend: “Nah, my eyes are fine, I know you are the most beautiful lady cucumber around and I am a really lucky man to have you!”

    Me: “You are lucky I’m a tolerant lady cucumber, you goof.”


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