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  • This Future Time It Worked
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  • There Is No On Switch

    | San Diego, CA, USA | Flirting/How We Met, Theme Of The Month

    (I’m working at a diner as a waitress. I am waiting on an arrogant douchebag, which is business as usual. After fending off typical lame flirting he asks…)

    Him: “So… what time do you get off?”

    Me: “Sir, when it comes to me and you, neither of us will be getting off.”

    It’s Not That Easy Being Not That Green

    | Rolla, MO, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend of nearly two years is not afraid of speaking his mind to me. This exchange happened right before going out for an afternoon.)

    Me: “What do you think of my outfit?”

    (I am wearing an aqua shirt and pale aqua shorts with dark blue accessories.)

    Boyfriend: “You look like a cucumber!”

    Me: “What?! A cucumber? That isn’t very correct, let alone flattering.”

    Boyfriend: “I’m just teasing; you look like a very pretty lady cucumber.”

    Me: “Why a cucumber? I’m not even wearing green!”

    Boyfriend: “Sure you are! Green shirt, green shorts, cucumber!”

    Me: “This is aqua, possibly turquoise. NOT green. Maybe you need your eyes checked.”

    Boyfriend: “Nah, my eyes are fine, I know you are the most beautiful lady cucumber around and I am a really lucky man to have you!”

    Me: “You are lucky I’m a tolerant lady cucumber, you goof.”

    Brain-Fried

    , | Houston, TX, USA | Dating

    (It’s a super hot day and I’m visiting my long-distance boyfriend. I’m from San Diego but this heat is ridiculous. We both decide to walk a mile to a popular burger joint for ice cream. I am the customer in this situation.)

    Worker: “Hi! Welcome to [Fast Food Restaurant]. Can I take your order?”

    Me: “Yeah, can I get two ice cream cones and—”

    Worker: “Sorry, we’re out of ice cream.”

    Me: “Seriously? Oh okay, can I get a mocha frappe and—”

    Worker: “Sorry, ma’am, those are made with ice cream, too.”

    Me: “Darn, all right. Can I have an Oreo [blended drink]?”

    Boyfriend: “Seriously, babe?”

    Worker: “Sorry, but those are also made with ice cream.”

    Me: “All right! I’ll just take a vanilla shake, then.”

    (The worker looks at me wide eyed, like I’m playing a joke on her.)

    Boyfriend: “She’ll have a large soda.”

    Worker: “Thank you! $1.08, please.”

    (We get our cup and go sit down.)

    Me: “I don’t understand. Why couldn’t I have a shake?”

    Boyfriend: “If you can’t understand why you couldn’t have a shake at a [Fast Food Restaurant] that’s run out of ice cream, I don’t want this relationship to go

    any further in case we reproduce.”

    A (Past) Tense Situation

    | NY, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend is not enthusiastic about birthdays or gift-giving, while I love both. We’ve been dating for almost a year, but we met on a popular dating website.)

    Me: “Unfortunately for you, I’ll remember when your birthday is. If you didn’t want me to, you shouldn’t have made it part of your username.”

    Boyfriend: “What username?”

    Me: “On [dating site].”

    Boyfriend: “Oh. I don’t even remember what your username was…”

    Me: *sarcastic* “Well, I can understand that, what with the hundreds of girls you were talking to every day.”

    Boyfriend: “What do you mean, ‘were’?”

    Imperfect Harmony

    | PA, USA | Dating, Fights/Breakups

    (My girlfriend and I are getting take away and she sees a pretty girl…)

    Girlfriend: “Hey, did you see that pretty girl?”

    Me: “Yeah, the one wearing the blue skirt?”

    Girlfriend: “Yes, she was really pretty but then she turned around and I saw that she was smoking.”

    Me: “Well, you can’t have everything. She would have been too perfect. We need to have balance in this world.”

    Girlfriend: “Well, she was doing a stink face. So she isn’t perfect.”

    Me: “Well, she could always, smile… How about you? You always do that stink face that you do—”

    Girlfriend: “But I look good in my stink face.”

    Me: “So you’re saying you’re perfect, then?”

    Girlfriend: “No…”

    Me: “So, how do you balance out being perfect?”

    Girlfriend: “I have you!”


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