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    He Is Soda-pressing

    | Jackson, TN, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I are getting fast food. This conversation happened in front of the soda machine.)

    Me: “Sometimes when I’m sad, I’ll pour myself some soda and pretend that the fizzy sound is applause. So even if the world is against me I still have bubbles on my side.”

    Boyfriend: “But even the bubbles eventually fizz out, and you’re left with no one again.”

    Me: “I think that’s the part where you’re supposed to say, ‘I’ll always be by your side, babe.’”

    Boyfriend: “I can’t make that promise. Of the two of us, I’m most likely to die first, so you’ll only have your artificial and imaginary applause to keep you company after that.”

    Me: “But by then I’ll have our kids though, right?”

    Boyfriend: “Who will have all grown up and have lives of their own to deal with. I sure hope the future has lots of soda for you.”

    Me: “Gee, thanks, a**-hole.”

    (We broke up not long after that. He was just too pessimistic for me to handle.)

    Hooked On Class

    | NY, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I are going to Las Vegas on vacation the following week. Because of this we end up discussing prostitutes, and this prompts a theoretical question.)

    Me: “Do you think I would make money as a hooker?”

    Boyfriend: “Maybe in [sketchy neighborhood in the city].”

    Me: *indignant* “Really? So, no one would pay for me in a nice part of town? Are you saying I’m not high class or something?”

    Boyfriend: “Okay, okay. I take it back; you would make money as a hooker anywhere you set your mind to.”

    Me: *pats his hand* “That’s better, thank you.”

    Boyfriend: “We’re the only couple I know who would get into an argument because I doubted your potential as a prostitute.”

    There Is No On Switch

    | San Diego, CA, USA | Flirting/How We Met, Theme Of The Month

    (I’m working at a diner as a waitress. I am waiting on an arrogant douchebag, which is business as usual. After fending off typical lame flirting he asks…)

    Him: “So… what time do you get off?”

    Me: “Sir, when it comes to me and you, neither of us will be getting off.”

    It’s Not That Easy Being Not That Green

    | Rolla, MO, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend of nearly two years is not afraid of speaking his mind to me. This exchange happened right before going out for an afternoon.)

    Me: “What do you think of my outfit?”

    (I am wearing an aqua shirt and pale aqua shorts with dark blue accessories.)

    Boyfriend: “You look like a cucumber!”

    Me: “What?! A cucumber? That isn’t very correct, let alone flattering.”

    Boyfriend: “I’m just teasing; you look like a very pretty lady cucumber.”

    Me: “Why a cucumber? I’m not even wearing green!”

    Boyfriend: “Sure you are! Green shirt, green shorts, cucumber!”

    Me: “This is aqua, possibly turquoise. NOT green. Maybe you need your eyes checked.”

    Boyfriend: “Nah, my eyes are fine, I know you are the most beautiful lady cucumber around and I am a really lucky man to have you!”

    Me: “You are lucky I’m a tolerant lady cucumber, you goof.”

    Brain-Fried

    , | Houston, TX, USA | Dating

    (It’s a super hot day and I’m visiting my long-distance boyfriend. I’m from San Diego but this heat is ridiculous. We both decide to walk a mile to a popular burger joint for ice cream. I am the customer in this situation.)

    Worker: “Hi! Welcome to [Fast Food Restaurant]. Can I take your order?”

    Me: “Yeah, can I get two ice cream cones and—”

    Worker: “Sorry, we’re out of ice cream.”

    Me: “Seriously? Oh okay, can I get a mocha frappe and—”

    Worker: “Sorry, ma’am, those are made with ice cream, too.”

    Me: “Darn, all right. Can I have an Oreo [blended drink]?”

    Boyfriend: “Seriously, babe?”

    Worker: “Sorry, but those are also made with ice cream.”

    Me: “All right! I’ll just take a vanilla shake, then.”

    (The worker looks at me wide eyed, like I’m playing a joke on her.)

    Boyfriend: “She’ll have a large soda.”

    Worker: “Thank you! $1.08, please.”

    (We get our cup and go sit down.)

    Me: “I don’t understand. Why couldn’t I have a shake?”

    Boyfriend: “If you can’t understand why you couldn’t have a shake at a [Fast Food Restaurant] that’s run out of ice cream, I don’t want this relationship to go

    any further in case we reproduce.”


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