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    Needs To Develop A Thicker Shell

    | MI, USA | Dating

    (My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years now. I’m also a male. He has gone down to Florida for a week so we begin to chat online.)

    Boyfriend: “[My Name], we need to talk… This is important.”

    (He sounds super serious and I begin to worry thinking that he wants to break up.)

    Me: “Yes…”

    (He goes silent.)

    Boyfriend: “Do… you… like… dolphins or turtles better because I only have enough money for one.”

    Me: “OHTHANKGODITHOUGHTYOUWANTEDTOBREAKUP!”

    Boyfriend: “Wow! Hurtful! I would never want to break up with you… Unless you said dolphins because turtles are better… Never mind I’m getting you a turtle. Bye, love you.”

    They Love Each Other Just Cos

    | Glendale, AZ, USA | Dating

    (My long-distance boyfriend has texted me to say good morning before I get up for work. This is how the conversation ended. Note: I have a math degree and am a big math geek.)

    Boyfriend: “Well, you must still be in bed or getting up. I’ll catch you later.”

    Me: “Okay. Love you.”

    Boyfriend: “Love you plus sum. That’s supposed to be a math joke, but I failed.”

    Me: “Works for me.”

    Boyfriend: “So it’s functional?”

    Me: “Is this a product of our time together?”

    Boyfriend: “I think it could possibly be the average.”

    Me: “Maybe it’s a sine that my math skills are rubbing off on you. But I won’t go off on a tangent.”

    Looking For Par’Mach In All The Right Places

    | OR, USA | Marriage & Partners

    (I am rather geeky, and known to be very enthusiastic about the things I love, such as Star Trek, tea, and weekly board game night with my friends. My wife is generally much less so. We’re chatting online while I’m at work and she’s at home with the kids.)

    Me: “How’s it going, love? Kids behaving okay?”

    Wife: “Oh, yeah, everything’s fine here. Hey, this may sound strange, but I’m talking with [Board Game Friend] online, and how would you feel about having our game friends over on Sundays for Klingon High Tea?”

    Me: “I… I’ve never loved you more.”

    No Fixing This Marriage

    | GA, USA | Divorce, Exes/Old Flames

    (At the time this happens, my husband and I are amicably separated but not legally divorced. When I brought my son’s dog home after having him neutered and realize the date, I can’t resist sending my husband a text.)

    Me: “Happy anniversary. To commemorate this occasion, I made a sacrificial offering of severed testicles. It seemed appropriate.”

    Looking Forward To A Saucy Thanksgiving

    | Urbana, IL, USA | Friends With Benefits

    (I’ll be staying at the girl I like’s house in New York for Thanksgiving. We are texting about plans for that week, discussing things she wants me to bring.)

    Her: “Anything you want?”

    Me: “Chocolate sauce, whipped cream, and you.”

    Her: “I will forget. Remind me the Thursday before you come.”

    (She understood a few minutes later, and was rather embarrassed… but she didn’t say no!)


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