• Time To Step Up
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  • November Theme Of The Month: Crushes!

    Knife-Sharp Humor

    | Westchester, NY, USA | Dating

    (I seem to have really hit it off with a guy on an Internet dating site, so we start texting. After a few days of that, we are both eager to meet up.)

    Him: “Okay, let’s meet up at [Bar] for a couple of drinks on Tuesday. Then once I make sure you’re not an axe murderer, we can probably hang out over the weekend.”

    Me: “That’s rude. I’m not an axe murderer… I only use a machete.”

    Him: “Well, make sure it’s not dull. I’m impatient.”

    The Setting Is Upsetting

    | NY, USA | Dating

    (My cousin’s girlfriend, who I’ve become close with, has been having a hard time lately. Her father is sick, her sister just moved to another country, and a few days ago she totaled her car. We are texting.)

    Her: “Your cousin is a little s***.”

    Me: “What did he do now?”

    Her: “I was upset and talking to him, and he told me, ‘I don’t think you understand how stressful it is for me that you’re upset all the time.'”

    Me: “…”

    Her: “And then I laughed because it was so ridiculous, and he said ‘Do you think this is funny?'”

    Me: “…”

    Her: “So, yeah. He’s a s***.”

    Me: “Yup. Not even gonna try to defend that.”

    The Smell Of Rejection

    | NY, USA | Advice

    (I have been talking to the same guy from an Internet dating site for a few weeks now, and after considerable scheduling effort, we finally meet for a date. I’ve been telling everyone that I’m excited to meet him. My friend texts me the next morning.)

    Friend: “So, how was it last night?”

    Me: “Pretty depressing. It was bad.”

    Friend: “How bad?”

    Me: “Well, he had a smell…”

    Friend: “Oh… that bad.”

    Me: “And then he didn’t even try anything at the end! He said he didn’t feel like we had chemistry… I got rejected by a guy who smells!”

    Friend: “But you didn’t actually like him…”

    Me: “That’s so not the point, [Friend].”

    The Wrong Plaice For That Word

    | Surrey, England, UK | Dating

    (I’m at a hotel due to a business trip, and my dinner took some time to make despite it being fish & chips.)

    Me: “40 minutes for a piece of fish, and it was dead!”

    Boyfriend: “…”

    Me: “The restaurant. I ordered cod and chips and while the menu says it’s battered to order, it does NOT take 40 minutes and two chase-ups to make!”

    Boyfriend: “Oh! The place was dead. Or should I say plaice?”

    And I’m Crazy For Loving You

    | USA | Marriage & Partners

    Me: “Hey. I just want you to know I love you. Like, crazy love you.”

    Husband: “Crazy love me? Like you have an effigy of me made out of my hair hidden in a closet somewhere? If that’s what you mean, I crazy love you too!”

    Me: “Um…”

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