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Bad Beer-havior

| Chapel Hill, NC, USA | Exes/Old Flames

(I’m staying a couple nights at a house where several of my friends live, and a bunch of our friends hang out to play tabletop and card games. On this night, we’re all drinking and hanging out, and my ex, who I am still good friends with, is hanging out with us. I get up to get myself another drink. Note that we all pick on each other and I am really good at making Ex nervous that I am angry with him.)

Me: “I need another beer.”

Ex: *not looking up from his cards* “Get me one, too.”

(I stop and stare at him until he looks up at me. I pretend to be offended at the order.)

Me: “You wanna try that again?”

Ex: “I mean, can you grab me one, too, please?”

Me: “That is not my job anymore. Anyone who is not [Ex] want a beer?”

(Two of the guys said they would like a beer, so I went to the kitchen and grabbed three beers, distributing them accordingly. My ex/friend got up to get himself another beer and we all had a laugh at him. Later, to make sure he knew I was not actually angry, I grabbed him a beer while getting one for myself. Even nearly two years after breaking up, it is still so easy to scare him like that.)

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Putting The ‘Table’ Into A Stable Relationship

, | Kitchener, ON, Canada | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(I’m working at a coffee shop cleaning tables, when an older gentleman tells me what a good housewife I’ll be due to my table washing abilities. Many men make comments like this towards women at my work, so we thank them politely, even if it actually annoys us. After yet another comment, I call my boyfriend.)

Boyfriend: “Hello?”

Me: “Hey, it’s me. I just wanted to remind you how lucky you are to have me, because I was just told by another gentleman what a good housewife I’ll be, because I can wash a table!”

Boyfriend: “Babe… That’s a problem. Because… I’m pretty good at table-washing, too… So who will wash the tables?! I thought I’d be barefoot in the kitchen cooking for you when we’re married!”

Me: “No, no, babe. You can only do those things now because you’re a bachelor! Once we’re married—”

Boyfriend: “Oh, right! You become my slave. I forgot!”

Me: “Exactly!”

Boyfriend: “You’ll cook all my meals, and speak only when spoken to.”

Me: “Except when you’re not home. Then I’ll sing as I clean the house.”

Boyfriend: “With woodland creatures?”

Me: “You know it!”

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Trying To Occulus Reparo The Relationship

| USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My girlfriend and I have been together for around two years now. We both are EXTREME nerds and love anything to do with ‘Harry Potter,’ ‘Star Wars,’ and the like. This takes place over text at about 2:30 in the morning. I have messy black hair and emerald eyes; this makes me look extremely like Harry Potter.)

Me: “Hey, babe?”

Girlfriend: “What?”

Me: “I’m thinking of getting glasses instead of wearing my contacts. These are just a pain to put in.”

Girlfriend: “I swear to god, if you don’t get glasses that make you look more like Harry Potter, I’m leaving you.”

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