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A Match Made In Hell

| ON, Canada | Dating

(It’s the 90s and my college is holding an event which includes free blind dates. I get seated at a table with a man I’ve never seen before. I’m a little skeptical of this so I try to be honest.)

Me: “Hello, sir. I’m 23, I pee in the shower, I snore, drool, and fart in my sleep, it will take an hour for me to finish a story that should only be 10 minutes long, and nobody is ever allowed to use my stuff.”

Man: “I’m also 23 years old. I never answer my phone on time, I wake up in the middle of the night several times every night, when I’m sick I will treat you like my slave, I won’t clean up after I shave, and I still don’t know how to peel a banana.”

(We have been married for 20 years now.)

A Different Kind Of Recreational Use

| USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My boyfriend and I are long distance while we’re both attending college. This happens one night over text.)

Boyfriend: “I may be slightly aroused. Do you want to encourage it for me? :P”

Me: “How should I go about doing that?”

Boyfriend: “Surprise me.”

Me: “Honey, I love you, but I just spent most of my afternoon and evening reading and writing about prescription opiates and the behavior of pharmaceutical companies, doctors, patients, addicts, and recreational users. I need a little bit of prompt to get into the right frame of mind.”

Boyfriend: “Okay…”

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Your Own Fault For Thinking You Could Compete With Glittery Dinosaurs

| Sweden | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(It’s morning. We are eating breakfast in the same room, but on our respective phones and as such only half paying attention to each other.)

Boyfriend: “I love you!”

Me: *reading something* “Oh, that’s cool.”

Boyfriend:*glances at me, starts snickering*

Me: “I mean, it is cool that you love me! But also, they discovered a dinosaur with glittery feathers!”

Merry As A Cricket

| OH, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My boyfriend and I had settled down to sleep for the night. I realize I can’t fall asleep because his movements are waking me up. I look and he’s rubbing his feet together under the covers.)

Me: “Hey… [Boyfriend], why are you rubbing your feet together?”

Boyfriend: *without missing a beat* “I’m a cricket.”

(I tried to ask him to clarify but he didn’t respond. I asked him about it the next morning and he didn’t remember any of it, but found it very amusing.)

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Crossing That Fine, Fine Line

| USA | Advice

(My friend is going through a breakup.)

Friend: “I told him I was willing to do whatever it took for this relationship, and he still decided to end it.”

Me: *sigh* “That’s love for you.”

Friend: “No, that’s a waste of time.”

Me: “Avenue Q?”

Friend: *smiles* “No, I’m a little bit racist.”

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