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There Can Be Only One… Unless It’s Twins

| BC, Canada | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My boyfriend and I are expecting a baby. I am telling him something that a friend who recently had a baby told me.)

Me: “When you start to feel the baby move around it’s called ‘the quickening.’”

Boyfriend: “That makes it sound like there’s a horror movie happening in your uterus.”

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Their Relationship Is In The (Arm)Pits

| San Jose, CA, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(I’m taking my allergy pill when I notice the digital thermometer has moved from its usual spot. It’s a cheap model I got from a convenience store and I’ve been meaning to take my baseline temperature when I know I’m well for comparison purposes, but never remember until I think I might be sick. Use of said thermometer has caused some confusion between my boyfriend and me – I take my temperature in my armpit the way my mom always checked when I was growing up, which is all fine and dandy except for one day when he saw me do it and, with a slightly disturbed look on his face, told me ‘I put that in my mouth.’ For additional background, I am both short and lazy.)

Me: “Did you take your temperature?”

Boyfriend: “I did! I’m not dying! Oh, did you ever do your baseline check?”

Me: “No! I’ll do it now!” *starts checking* “Did you remember about the whole armpit/mouth thing?”

Boyfriend: “Yep!”

Me: “Really? Yay!”

Boyfriend: “Well, no. But I remembered I wanted to clean it off first, even though I didn’t remember why. So I cleaned it before I put it in my mouth.”

Me: *checks temperature* “Apparently I run one degree cold. Can you help me remember that when I feel like crap?”

Boyfriend: “You can write it on the box to remind us.”

Me: “Good idea. Do you have a pen?”

Boyfriend: “There’s one over there.” *points at dresser*

Me: “Ugh. That’s, like, seven feet away. That’s, like, one-and-a-half [My Name]s.”

Boyfriend: “Tell you what: I’ll get a pen for you to write it on the box if you also write ‘THERMOMETER GOES IN ARMPIT’ on there.”

Me: “Deal!”

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Time To Defeat The Hun

| Hamilton, ON, Canada | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My boyfriend and I are cuddling on the couch and talking about our pet names for each other.)

Me: “So we typically use dear, darling, babe, love…”

Boyfriend: “Doofus and dorkface.”

Me: *laughs* “Absolutely.”

Boyfriend: “Hmm… we don’t really use sweetie or hun, do we?”

Me: “No, but I’m fine avoiding that one. My ex used to call me that, but even after we broke up he’d keep calling me that. I told him it made me uncomfortable, but he’d just say, ‘Oh, I call all girls that’ which obviously made it soooo much better.”

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