A New Breed Of Coworker

| Fort Wayne, IN, USA | Engaged

(My fiancé and I are talking about my coworkers. One is about to have a baby, while the other three are much older, and are acting like expectant grandmothers. I release this wonderful gem from my lips:)

Me: “So [Coworker] is about to pop. [Boss] got a voicemail this morning and was sad because it wasn’t an announcement that the baby had arrived.”

Fiancé: *unenthusiastic* “Okay, cool?”

Me: “Well, [Boss] and [Other Two Coworkers] are past breeding age, so they are excited to grandmother the heck out of the baby.”

Fiancé: *stares at me like I’m crazy* “Past breeding age?”

Me: “Yeah?”

Fiancé: “You mean like menopause, right? Librarians aren’t like cattle. They don’t ship them off to make dog food when they can’t produce more baby librarians.”

Me: “Whatever. Past breeding age.”

Fiancé: “Coworkers are friends, not food!”


Showered With Love

, | CA, USA | Marriage & Partners

(Our house is generally the place to hang out with our group of friends, especially when sports are playing as we have the sports cable packages. People have been over at our house since 10 am watching football on a Sunday and I have yet to take a shower. I go inside to use the restroom and while there, decide it is time to take a shower. Rather than go back outside to tell him, I text my husband to let him know in case he wonders where I’ve run off to.)

Me: “I takes shower!”

Husband: “Niiiiice. Pics?”

Me: *sends him a picture of our shower head*

Husband: “God-da***, I love you.”


Don’t Want Your Friends To Linger(ie)

, | NY, USA | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(My boyfriend took me out for our three year anniversary. I lost an earring, so he went back to look for it and, while he is away, trying to be sexy, I put on the lingerie I had bought for him. He comes back to his dorm and has his friends with him; luckily, I am under the covers.)

Boyfriend: “Hey, babe, I didn’t find it but the guys offered to help me search the room.”

Me: “It’s not that big of a deal. We don’t need the help.” *giving a look that says get them out*

Boyfriend: *oblivious* “They really don’t mind helping.”

Me: “It’s okay, really. I’m tired and want some rest.”

Boyfriend: “It’s only nine pm.”

Me: “Well, I’m tired, I guess.”

(At this point his friends catch on and one of them says they’ll look for it another day. My boyfriend still doesn’t get it.)

Boyfriend: “Babe, you okay? That was kinda rude; not like you.”

(I moved the blanket and he finally got it and started dying laughing. Needless to say every time I wear that we re-live the memory and laugh.)


Not The Pun You Need… Or Deserve

| NY, USA | Marriage & Partners, Punny

(I am lying in bed with my partner, and we’re being cheesy by rubbing noses and such. I comment on this, and he says:)

Partner: *in a Bane voice* “You love the cheese. You were born in it. Molded by it. I merely adapted it.”

Me: *groans*

Partner:  “What? Too cheesy for you?”

Me: “No… I just am trying to think of a good Batman cheese pun.”

Partner: “…”

Me: “…”

Partner: “You either die a gouda or live long enough to see yourself become a muenster?”

(And then I face-palmed.)


Can’t Outrun Traffic

| Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Boyfriend/Girlfriend

(I’m walking down a footpath on very busy street with my boyfriend and a close mutual friend. I and friend are both female. My boyfriend is always a gentleman, holding doors open, ladies first etc. Friend notices that boyfriend is walking closest to the road the busy road.)

Friend: “[My Name], you’re so lucky. [Boyfriend] is such a gentleman; he even walks closest to the traffic.”

Me: “I only let him so he has nowhere to run.”

(For the record I really do love him and he thought this was hilarious.)

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